Vault 42

I hate MC stupidity as a plot point.

I'll give it a 2.5 for being a for having an interesting plot idea, but the author has decided to make the MC retarded sometimes in order to move the plot in a certain direction, rather than put any effort into moving it in the direction he wants.

Otherwise, it's cool.

Also, it's written in second person, so if you don't like that, this book definitely isn't your cup of tea.

Parasitic Sword Monarch.

Auther felt the need for some reason.

Auther was going a long normally enough, but then out of no where decided to cram some SJW BS in your face for some reason.

Good otherwise though, if a bit of a slow start.

Star Wars: The Untold Stories

I'd say this is the best starwars fan fic I've read. (although I've admittedly only read like five or so)

It has a good balance of following already established lore, and changing it with his MC.

The combat, although not super prevalent so far, has been enjoyable to read.

The style and characters are good as well.

The grammer/spelling sometimes need some work, but isn't too terrible.

Overall, pretty good.

Blood Sapphire

Over all, I'd say it's pretty good.

The pacing was pretty even and fast paced throughout. The plot was cool and the characters seemed well thought out. Grammer was consistently good throughout the whole story.

The end was a little inconsistent with the beginning though. In the first chap he says this is how he became the richest dwarf to ever live, but in the end it sounds like, while being pretty rich, he is certanly nowhere near being the richest dwarf.

Overall though it's a pretty sound story.

Also, if you do write another fic, could you please post an update here telling us readers that you've started it? That way we won't accidentally end up missing a new fic you've written.

The Anomalies

This is a pretty cool fic. It's very similar to the SCP Foundation, but it has a more structured logic to it instead of the randomness you often find in SCPs.

The story is a grimdark one with a pretty interesting concept behind it. I dont really want to say to much though, as it might spoil some aspects of the fic.

The authers grammer isn't great, but considering english isn't his first language, its not too bad.

The characters are pretty good, although I've found I'm not the best judge of that aspect.

So over all, pretty good.

Monster Made

I like this story. Is has an interesting story and characters, and only a few grammar errors, but OH. MY. GOODNESS. Does Priofire have style problems. 

For instance, when he tries to doscribe the mc, he says he has a tail, and a third arm on his back, but he describes them in such a way that you can't tell if he has a tail and third arm, or if they are one and the same. (Similar things occur at other times)

Priofire also likes to touch at improtant things, then completely skip over them, just leaving you confused about the whole thing. A good exaple of this is when the mc is being offered the kill the mimic quest, he is told the person who was killed is back now and only missing a few days of memories.  This leaves you wondering if people can respawn or if it was just some special ability.

And finally the auther loves to change perspective without a tell what so ever.  Now if a new chap is started in a new perspective, its not so bad.  But the auther often (percentage wise of how many perspectives are given, not literally often as in happens all the time) just changes perspective in the middle of a chap with no notice at all. Just a spontaneous perspective change to someone else.

And this is just by the 14th chapter.

He is also later on, off and on of developing a habit of having text walls and not saying who is taking.

Otherwise however, pretty good.


Supreme Truth of Chaos

Over all a good story but it has two fairly major flaws.

1.  the power sytem changes half way and at several points seems to confuse it self.  For instance, they say the mc must be the descendant of a demi-god practitioner because of his high affinity, but then that turns out to weak overall.

2. The demons are originally are protraid as evil killing/inslaving machines, then turn out to just be normal people that look different than normal/may have special abilities.

So overall good story, but the auther suffers from a large amount of plot instability.

The who that I really am

This is a pretty good story.  It's got a good story and has interesting characters.  It gets kinda dark at a few points but is still cool.

The grammar starts out a little rough, but gets better as the story goes along (along with the plot)

The Abandoned Sorcerer

Could use some work, but definately has potential

EDIT: Nefarious (very helpfully) added all the stuff that I felt needed to be described in chapter 23's auther note (you can go there and read the descriptions theirs no spoilers) he also said that he is writing in more descriptions into the story

Also he rewrote the summery and edited the first chap to add some hooks after I posted this.


So right off the bat I'm going to say Nefarious asked me to do this, to provide some constructive criticism.

So the first thing I've got to say is that the summery honestly just comes off kinda meh.  It reminds me of the summeries of the old classic style of fantasy that by now are kinda overwritten into boringness.

It provides a good summery of what the story contains/will be (although only about a half of it has happened yet) but it just isn't very eye catching.

After having read the fic so far, I'm glad I did and I like it (despite its shortcomings) but I can safely (and sadly) say I would never had read this had the auther not asked me to.

Now onto the first few chapters. Right off the bat I have to agree with lone on these, they don't make a very good hook.

I would say this is largely because other than the house falling, nothing truely interesting happens (I'm not counting him just magically ending up in the new city)

And secondarily due to him referncing several things with out explaing them much/or at all.

This is perhaps the largest problem over all in the fiction is that Nefarious seems to have written up (either in his head or a piece of paper) varius important facts that he operates the story out of, but completely forgotten to write them up into the fiction.

Now I may have somehow glanced over one explanation and not noticed it some how, but the number of things like this leaves me thinking it's just not in the story. Also if the explanations are in the story, you genrally want to subtly re-explain stuff every now and again for people who have forgotten.

So far the list of things that have been not at all (or not adequately enough) been explained (or were explained way later than they should have been) are: 

The orange nut things (these were revieled to be drugs later then they should have been)

The symbiotic thing his house had.

The servants mark thing that was referanced to be able to save him (if my memory serves it was called a Szu)

Why he was recognizable to anouther house member just by her seeing his magic after he had cast it (the only thing I can come up with for this is it is because he didn't burn any fat)

Why his eyes turn black when he uses magic

The monsters that can aperently disguise them selves as humans are poorly explained up until the end of that little arc

And last but not least is what was special about his house and its magic (I don't know if its that sympiot thing or if they do dark magic or if they don't burn fat or what, but I can't really tell)

The characters sometimes seem allitle off to me, and the conversations can sometimes be hit or miss, but this to me is more of a personal preferance thing in my opinion. (Obviously excluding cases where it is just plain and truely terrible, but there aren't really any of those in this fic)

I like where the story seems to be going, but it is still alittle early to tell for that.

So over all for my suggestions you (Nefarious) would be to rewrite the summery to something along the lines of:

Orion lived a fairly peaceful life in his family, one of the controlling houses of the empire. However one day they are betrayed and wiped out, leaving him on the run and on a quest for revenge using his family's powerful magic.

(Obviously you could do better than what I put above this, but I can't really do more due to not knowing how the overall story will go)

And to rewrite the first 3 chapters to add a hook and the following 7 or so chapters to explain more/at all.

If I think of any more things I will put them in the comments of following chaps.

So what I would say to readers is, this is a fic may be abit rough in some areas, but it is worth reading.

The Wielder of Chains-Chronicles of a Patchwork World

So to give a preface my review,  I found/read/cought up in this fiction right before he added the (Old Version) to the old chaps, so I read them.

The auther decided to completely rewrite the fiction about two months ago, and I do agree with some off the reasons listed, the better grammer/spelling and writing skills displayed in the new one have been nice.  But I believe the auther made a mistake completely rewriting the story anew.

(I'm sure there are people who will disagree with me and my reasons for this but I'm writing this and if you disagree you should review it too)

The original story was in my opinion better.  It had a cool background ground being built and the way skills and progression worked were fairly unique.  I liked the instinctual way the skills worked and how classes functioned.

I also liked the way magic was hinted at working better. (Althought there was not enough of it shown to tell for sure)

The newer one is better written, but so far the characters and overall story have been more "meh" then the original.

The way classes work hasn't been explained enough to tell the differnce yet, so I wont critique that. (Or if it has been I missed it)

The way skills work where you unlock sub-skills for them as you progress is still interesting, but I think the original was better in the way you unlocked skills and had to be smart about which ones you purchased after unlocking them.

(The auther said he thought it was limiting the mc, but I disagree)

I also think the aetherial human thing should have been left out, as while he does use magic, the most usefull things for him world be the phisical stats. Although I do have to admit, the racial skill he unlocked for that is pretty cool

Now I do have to say that some of the problems/complaints I listed could be remedied as the rewrite gets farther along, I still don't think the new one would be as good. Now don't get me wrong, the old one could have used some work, but instead of rewriting it, I think it would have been better to work on ironing out the problems and maybe adding a few chapters within it then completely rewriting it.

I DO think that their both good stories, I just think the older one was better.