took over powered and then said meh turn it up to 11
This is a superior story for this site
While you may not know it at first Ubik is the real deal. He is like a mixture of Loki from Norse mythology and Sherlock Holms then a large dose of tec wizard thrown in.
Even with all that the author has built this character to be believable.
The other two main characters are good as well but at this point in the story, this guy is truly stealing the show.
so Far on the rewrite
I like the story and the character development are fairly good.
It feels a bit like the early overseer where the god character has no one to talk to. Or early dungeon instinct where the entity struggles with being alone while it grows.
Good in-depth work.
For those who read this pre rewrite
the story feels much more solid the main character feels more relatable the world is much more alive.
in other word the author took the feed back we gave him and built something beautiful.
looking forward to how this story progresses.
now a completely solid 9.8 rating
I know it’s not there right now but this story as it builds has the potential to be one of if not the best on the site.
We start with a family in our world going to a new vr game. Nothing new in that but things start to get weird… No spoilers for those who didn’t read it before the new iteration.
The main point of this review is to give readers a heads up. From chapter 5 that is currently out is where the story takes off. Conflict starts with a vengeance and your taken to the edge of your computer screens waiting for the next chapter.
This is a good story get past the first 5-6 chapters and suddenly the world that you thought was there is no more. Everything you thought you knew about vr changes when….
read/follow the story and find out and enjoy the ride.
The characters are awesome quirky and inventive. Following the main character is a walk down the crazy lane with lots of laughs and head shakes. you will be wondering "did I just read that" and the response will be "yes, yes you really did"
The style and story are a bit childish not bad just childish it almost feels like the main character is writing a self biography. This makes for interesting reading and a freshly odd tone to the book.
In other words if you like Vr stories with funish odd heroine characters that really don't care what the world thinks about their odd habits then this story is for you.
to author I hope you win the bet with your friend wing. Oh and you should dredge up one of Feys old flames and have the "normal boy" be his best friend. I know it would just crush Fey but it would be randomly interesting.
This is a Dungeon story but unlike some others it starts with a dungeon who is smart but does not know much with the mentality of a teen aged man who lost his memories and winds up as a dungeon. He gets some help along the way and then the story has a fun/cutesy relational bit that creates a kind of unique charm that keeps you coming back.
style, character and story are marked down a point because the story feels unpolished, unplanned and unprepared. I realize you are going for the challenge and that is a large part of this and pushing writing out is good and all but keep in mind that it shows. This does not feel like a story with a well layed out plot and character structures it seem like it is trying to find out how it will grow as you write it. This can work but you should in my mind take a few days and lay some more ground work for the story to help with that problem.
you could ask the readership for ideas. setting up a idea post is what quite a few writers have done with mixed results yes but they were able to get more ideas to work with.
back to readership and penguins of royal road
This for the first 14 chapters feels rushed because it is a November challenge novel. This is just the way this one currently is and from many who take up the challenge this is what you should expect. But the entertainment value is there. The working imagination is there.
This story & author deserve the communities support because if the author can do this on a time crunch what could they craft with more concentration and time.
God Bless Storyhunter
I like this story and will avidly continue to read it but that said it has a few flaws
( as of chapter 15)
The main characters while they have grown some they still feel static. Like they don't have the ability to change based on there original stereotype. This works for a while during the introduction and initial building up phase but now the story is beginning to develop more and the characters are not developing along with it.
The author does not give a great deal of detail about the why the characters do what they do.
( small suggestion) give the main character video footage of the female antagonist and only after he has watched it let him know who it was. I think that his reactions would be interesting as well as drive the story and help evolve his character. Second sister..... surprise us have her do something we won't expect (give her a brain that works and have her question her brother where it hurts)
Great original concept and well crafted world and passable origin story.
the first arc is well lined out and flows very well incorporating reader impute near flawlessly.
the imaginative way the world grows (almost organic really) is the star point for the story.
update as of (old hangouts)
First while I did bring down the ratings a little bit this is one story I look forward to every week and miss every time it is not updated.
For me the only missing in the story is a surprise about any of the characters. They all feel static and while the mc did go through a lot of stuff in the assessment we have yet to see it effect the way he thinks feels and behaves. At least it would be good to soon go back to earth and realize just how much he has changed.
the new character that I do like is his immediate boss that knight screams contradictions and makes for a very round character that feels like it has some real depth. Good job
the story ie environment/new concepts/development of our knowledge base about the game as a whole continues to be a main pillar for the stories ability to engage us readers.
the Second pillar is our heroes attitude about earth and keeping us guessing about what he will have to do to keep the planet .... well you know.
the third and decidedly most interesting for me is the exploration of the blending of machine and man and what is coming out of that both for combat and for everyday situations.
This story is one of the most inventive on this whole site. It has a developing character and the style is also getting much better as it goes along.
problems that you do run across are bad wording and a few grammar problems.
one issue I have with the story is that the development of the character has been sidelined to introduce more powers and the insanely interesting environment he has landed in.
While this is not a problem now it will become a problem later as the personality gets a little stale
the world is a mix of aliens come to earth and SOE online with a world conquer theme that makes other virtual stories look like children in front of the ideas presented here.
I am reserving judgment on this story at this point. the mc has real personally and potential. I will point out spend more time on relationships and personal development and you will be rewarded greatly.
lets see I like the whole apocalyptic feel to the main quest and how it is coming home to roost. I like the differences in races and the development of the main character unique power pack. I like his attitude to growing up and to the whole practice with a twig.
do not like too easy to get the magic cave thing. ( would love to see the owner come back and jump him from a corner and kidnap him;) it feels like he needs a animal companion something that aids him in his quests and could act as his symbol. bond that I just want lots more story.
I still feel like we are in the beginning stages to the story so like I said reserving judgment and waiting for more
Why you ask? if you are going for the haram ending you have to build the collection bigger and bigger to catch all the pieces of the set. if the harem wasn't forced I would not mind but it feels that way. and really why has he not had a assassination attempt on him yet? this really makes no sense. beyond that the author keep on leaving loose ends that are going to be a bit hard to clean up later well at least to clean them up with out a lot of blood sweat and lost brain cells. He might like this but it feels chaotic and the character does not feel like he has a solid grounding in reality.
but let us touch on the good points in the story
family importance, wide variety of training, personality.
this story places great importance on family but also points out the weakness of family bonds envy and power and greed break them and force them apart but they still form our basitc set. the problem I have is that it feels like he has not made any deep bonds in the entire story. None the only one that comes close is the bond he had with his father and possibly with the future head maid but that is highly debatable.
training and personaliy
he is given knowelge of many different styles of fighting but lacks a focus which fits his fairly lax and uninterested apathetic personality. He was a neet he is a dragon blood berserker with almost no drive. which is interesting to read about. I mean he had to be paid to train? No respect for anyone in reality. He does what he wants and for the most part can't be stopped.
what I would love to see from this story is him being framed in the kingdom and sent out into the wild penniless and forced to seek the blood of a dragon and to train in the wilds with a few companions until he does so forming strong bonds with them. this would create much needed conflict and drive the story forward ruthlessly.
granted I can just about guarantee that that castel is going to go down soon due to the guard replacements being implemented and the castel mage being in on it all but who knows things could keep on being rosy or every one could die again. who knows I just really want that kid knocked off his high horse and sent to build some character.
we get it he needs to learn what responsibility means now ruthlessly teach him.