For the love of God, your novel deserved more. I did not understand nor will I understand why your novel has no more followers, reviews nor faves from other readers in RRL.
Seems that xianxia themes are quite hot in RRL, you should be among the top ranked in sort of genres.
Though littered with purple-prose and unneeded description, your take in xianxia is expertly done and crafted. You know your stuffs very well. I had reviwed many other xianxias but none came as close as you in knowing what cultivating actually means.
For that, you got 4.5. Why not 5? Easy, cut of the non-needed descriptions that doesnt served the story; like the Emperor's robe and a few more.
Fast-paced, some fight scenes were good and what I like best was the usage of the context of xianxia within the story. Job well done.
If I never read any xianxia novels before, I would give you a 4.5/5. However, my mind had been poisoned with typical tropes within this genre. A vengeful MC, bullies who bullied others for the sake of bully, wise men who were strong enough but decided he prefer to sit doing nothing while the world burns, women falling in love with MC for no apparent reasons etc.
The beginning of your story was one of the best I had read in RRL for a long time. It fettered off a little later on, but nonetheless since that amazing start, I had high standards for you.
Very good grammar. A little typo here and there and tenses mistakes but overall, it was a very well done.
There were not many characters aside the MC that was made known. I hope more could be done as your supporting cast was a important as the MC. Do them justice alright.
I found out that the Elder Rong was quite a good man and I liked his character. But I wanted to see more. I have high standards for you.
Overall: A solid 4.5/5
One of the best written and told xianxia story in RRL. Easily an engaging read and the drama grips the readers. The motivations was clear and the MC was not an ass to begin with like other novels tend to go to tropes. All in all, you deserved more views and followers. You deserved it.
Highly recommended to all xianxia lovers.
Insta fave +
I will give you a proper review once I am done with reading all the chapters.
However, I could sum up a few things reading yours.
Your technical writing is very good.
You explained well.
You POV was alright. I could see you are trying to play multiple roles at one time but don't get confused later on.
But I don't understand your storyline. 50 pages in and was still at prologue. That what I felt anyway. Perhaps your story could be a slow burner and all.
Honestly, the first few chapters are the hook that keep the reader enticed to your story. Too many viewpoints at the start put us off a little. Skipping through your latest chapter, it seemed that you had progressed but again with different POV. Perhaps that is your style. Who am I to say otherwise, right?
If you want some multiple POV who then managed to form a party, I recommend TSR novels. But instead of short chapters, each characters had their own books prior of their meetings.
The review is a little overdue since I had a bunch to complete first. I had reach until Chapter 5 of your story. I wanted to help you since I could see lots of your emotions invested in creating this story and I wanted you to actually grow this story and finish it.
I had read that you wanted to do is a LN style and whatsmore being influenced by the Japanese culture (I assumed that is so since you had been using lots of Japanese name; Hira/Kira/Hamari etc.).
However, to most readers, your style reads like an Eddic poem which actually did not help you much. In LN (using Nohingo), paragraphing is not an issue since that's how their language is written. But once you do it in English, it had become somewhat messy to read. It was more poem-like rather than story-like. Most of your paragraphs (99.5%) are just, well 1 sentences long.
My suggestion is to varied it out for the readers sake. Just a little here and there would do us justice. I used to write my story like yours but after a few readers told me about their problems in reading my story, I changed a little.
If you ever had the chance to read a movie/drama scripts, your style just reminded me of them. Just dialogs and dialogs line and minimal of other things. But a movie/drama scripts would be acted upon. A story meanwhile would play in the theater of our mind. We would need to imagine what you are writing, instead of seeing actors playing that role.
You said somewher than if your story was an anime, this was how you wanted it to pan. And therein lies the problems. You rely too much on how we would potray your style inside our mind rather than you showing how it was acted upon, on your story.
Fact-paced yeah but don't mistake fast-pace for messy pace. When you do that battle scene in Chapter 2, I was hoping for more oompphhh. As in to say I could cheer for one of them. Though I might not know who the fighters was, I would usually cheer for the one I think had the most 'guile' for me. And of course, the crowds must get going.
You battle description lacked these. I could not feel excited, nor get my adrenaline pumped. It was just looking at two people slugging each other but before that, comes the usual trash-talking of opponents.
Next was the lack of decriptions. You mentioned there would be minimal descriptions. I think maybe you need to revised on that a little. You are actually doing lower than minimal description; the other point of the purple prose, info -dump extreme.
When I read your story, I could not engage myself further. Immerse myself. The battle was plain. The naughty scene was plain. The interaction between character was plain. Why? Because my mind wandered off. It has to do with your style too.
5 Chapters in and I had yet to understand why all those people can summon the pact-spirit. I think it's about time you actually tell the readers how your fictional world works a littl. To have school catered for summoners meant that the summoners in your world are a big contributor to the nation. But I had yet to see this. A little backstory of how summoners could play such an important role would be helpful. Just a paragraph will help us to tie all the pieces of information you scattered around within your story.
Good with mistakes here and there. Who doesn't right? I too had the same problem as you. The only thing is to keep improving and once we are better at our craft, come and change the older chapters.
This is a generous score. Your characters are interesting, multi-faceted, and 3D. Not 4D mind you since everyone lacked that certain depth. This is where the descriptions come into play. You put minimal descriptions, your characters and world lacked the depth. Especially your MC and supporting casts. The others are alright if you do not want to do anything with them.
But hey, the way you developed your characters are at the top 10% in the site. I had read a lot, reviewed alot and I'm quite pleasantly surprised to see your characters come alive. that 3D to 4D is to elevate your characters into the pinnacle so that when people read your story, they could really feel it.
One word of advice if I may. Never fall in love with any of your characters. Big mistake. If you do not understand it now, perhaps when you write more chapters in the future, you will come to understand it.
A good attempt of creating a fast-paced, action style LN. However, careful consideratioms must be given since it's written in English and not Japanese. You don't want to make it sound like 'haiku'.
That aside, the story itself is pretty solid with good characters playing their roles well.
The review is until Chapter 5.
Two things I need to get off my chest first and foremost. 1) The font size. OMG, it's doing my head in. Do make it easier for us and increase the font size. Would really appreciate it. 2) Usage of name. Everyone uses everyone's full name much to the point that its saturating the story. It made the flow a little jarring and I have to stop reading after a certain point to digest everything and the continue. (I have the same problem too, so I understand how sometimes the author tend to use the names a little over the top.)
Other than that, this is a very good story. Worthy to be in the top list, but alas readers here would prefer weird shiz for giggles or escapism.
However, a few things are needed to improve. Minimize the constant change of POV. Change the font to a bigger size, avoid using full names all the time, info dumps and expositions (a bane to all the authors, myself included) need not to fall in the first few chapters. Sprinkled it out if you need to.
All in all, the style is good but could always be better.
A typical reincarnation, xianxia and mos likely wuxia type story. I grew up with these. However, what impressed me was the atypical take, reincarnate into the same world and most likely will meet the same people but with a totally different identity now. And I like this refreshing and new take on a genre that has been populating the RRL. It's like a fresh baked bread amidst a rack full of mouldy ones.
By the way, is the marriage between troll and dark elf rare; no recorded history etc. that made purple chi special? Someone as knowledgable as MC could do better if she have the prior knowledge, right?
Other than that, keep up the good work. And please, if you want to put it as world conquering, god-slaying, universe destroying MC, please don't. And no, please avoid those cliche tropes that make us hate the xianxia/chinese cultivation genre; arrogant know-it-all MC who still barely out of her diapers. If someone was ruthless and logical enough (surprisingly lacking in all xianxia novels no matter how clever/smart they are), she would be dead before she could say 'Mama'.
A well written story with minor mistakes here and there that just show that everyone make mistakes, even the an extremely talented writer such as yoursel. Next to the perfect score of 4.5/5 (because I never give 5/5, cause there are no perfect grammar). Keep it up.
I'm one of the rare defender of side characters. Flesh out your side character more; make them believable, the struggles echoes and their pain real. NOt easy to do but do it anyway. They could come in cliche type, but then again, everyone is unique in their own way. A gold hearted calm old man used to be a serial killer who would massacre those who oppose him could make into a good story. All in all, don't make your side characters just there to be a fodder.
A well done story, but need a little more polishing and careful planning from the author. It has everything it need to be successful and more.
There are some people say it's not their cup of tea. So, what's their cup of tea then? Generic, lame, shiz for giggles, slapstick comedy, dark-gory, trendy etc. stories? Trust me that in RRL, readers are so entitled that they think we, authors owed them a living. Ignore those little voices and keep giving us your best works. The world need more writers who write from the heart rather than writing shit stories just for the trends and then abandon them when something else comes up.
And one more thing. Don't fall into the trap of another Chinese cultivation stories, alright.
Now, where do I need to begin? Review up till Chapter 7
Style Score: 3.5/5
The first person style enables us to get a good review of the world based on the MC's feelings, actions, behaviours etc. And that's also the problem that I had come across your story.
Your MC is confused most of the times. She let everything goes by her without actually doing anything. 5 Chapters in and she just haven't ask the big question typical of Isekai (summoned hero) - "Why the heck am I here?"
And through her that we readers will enjoy the world and story. But so far, it is hardly enjoyable, not because the world and the supporting cast is poorly done, but because the first person narrative of the MC does not show anything other than 'Oh... is that so' moment.
Part of what makes the isekai world being a nice story can be divided into 3 sections:
1. The MC's knowledge of his previous world and the current world he is in and trying to adjust and readjust.
2. MC's acceptance to the current world. Love? Hate? Strong feelings or weak feelings?
3. What the MC will do next? Live in that world? Return home?
Your MC showed nothing of the above. And because of her style that is currently making me hard to connect and to read.
I don't know how to put it in proper words but I feel that the story lack that certain oomph. It was like when I'm drinking a tea and got something else totally different. And I can't pin-point what it is. Honestly, I don't know how far you had plan ahead for your story, or if you plan at all, but somehow, everything is messy and confusing. And the MC does not help either.
You describe everything except for one thing and which is the major flaw in your story; your MC's stand on things. Reading other reviews and checking it on my own, it seems that your choice of first person story telling with confused MC would make it less enjoyable.
You have interesting take and world and I can see that you are trying to make it happen. But so far, your MC's POV has been limited and confusing at best and it's making it hard for readers to immerse in the story and world.
Little mistakes here and there than sometimes make the story's flow a little jarring and out of place. It's readable though. Perhaps if I could suggest, instead of using present tense, use past tense in your story.
The highest I can give. I had read many stories in RRL but I haven't met an MC who is plain boring and confusing. I had been using the word 'confused' alot because that's what I felt reading yours. If it's grammar, then it would be forgivable. But if it's because of your characters, then you need to do something about it.
Everyone is incongruent. Summoned MC not acting like summoned MC, supporting characters interested in sexual advances rather than matter at hands, and others just have more personalities than the actual MC. One paragraph about a supporting character gave away more about personalities than 6 chapters of First-Person POV of MC.
"Nina… Oh, Nina. Gentle, compassionate Nina. The woman who took not one, but two blows for me. For a stranger. All because she didn't want senseless violence. And this senseless violence will be the death of her."
Like other reviewers said, you have an interesting world and concept. But your MC lack that oompph to be an MC and since you are using First Person POV, it made it even more confusing, plain and just boring. It's not about whether the MC is growing or not. The premise that she will grow into her character is a flawed one because a person's character changed for either better or worse based on the events and her surrounding. It's not based on time scale. Summoned to another world is a big event.
The fiery martial arts practitioner who was supposed to be the dojo's saviour now ended up as a confused being stricken with inability to act, decide and eventually make for a narrator rather than a MC.
You got a 4/5 for me because of your effort and I can see that talent in you. If you have a better MC or the same MC with a better personality, then perhaps you will on something great. Polish your MC more.
Read continuously until chapter 16 and then skipped some.
It is not often that one could find humorous chapters at first go. While other opted for grimdark and depressing introduction, you use comedy instead. I applaud you for that. The comedy was good with quirky characters. I wanted to give you full marks for your effort but alas there was a little letdown at the latest chapters. As your style improve and you put more details into your works, the comedy that endeared me was somehow lost.
And this is a major problem with comedy. Once it dried up, its hard for us to maintain the high level we set earlier. A suggestion for you to keep it up is to watch more comedy or read something funny to get the juice flowing. Mine would be watching Mr. Bean or Peter Russel and Who's Line is it anyway?
An isekai type of story with a non standard take. Impressive but need a little more polish in term context of your world. If I'm not mistaken, you might not have plan in advance how you want it to be. You create as it flows along. So the further we read, the story gets a little more confusing.
You are doing a good job. Just needed that extra planning on your part and tie up any loose end that you might create unknowningly.
There are alot of grammar mistakes of various types that made the flow a little jarring in the beginning but nonetheless you improved as you go on.
Quirky characters that one could relate to. But need more from supporting characters in your story. Other than the few you started with, the rest of the characters were quite not as interesting or fleshed out as they should be. Seems like those people are just there for everyone sake of being there.
For me, what make a story interesting is not just the characters but also the support elements that make and define the character and the world. I hope you could work on it a little more.
The author's improvement could clearly be seen from chapter to chapter. He is among the few that manage to learn to improve himself and thus it is evident from what I have read. Continue on improving yourself and your work. This story could be a real gem if polished properly. Once you had reached a high level in writing, do come back to your earlier chapters and improve on it. An advice that I too am currently doing.
I have read till chapter 6 and this is my review till that point. If its TL;DR, go to the bottom.
First, it need some getting use to your exaggeration of certain descriptions. From the height, age, description of places etc. From the way you descibe your world, I think it is set in the real world some time in future. But then again, evolution sure has done it job well, albeit in a thousand years or so.
The pacing was done well.
Division of chapters. Perhaps you could divide it into more chapters rather than one long read. I read chapter 6 and it could be made into parts, Part 1 for the meeting and Part 2 for Gin and his equips. Just a suggestion. You are good with cliffhanger and such, so keep it up.
When I first read your story, it was all over the place. It was hard for me to understand your world at first. How it works, the history and the current events. You pushed too many things for us and the randomness between one plot vs the other plot was kind of confusing at first. It was still confusing even though you tried to tie it up, later.
(Gin's notes was a little too late to be of any use by that time.)
Perhaps you could do with explaining how the world ended like that. Or perhaps you could introduce it slower and spread out throughout the chapter. Or perhaps you could create 'a class for the newbie recurits' about the world or such.
Don't worry about the info-dump. Or exposition. What you need to do is to actually time where you want to let the details run free and when not to. You had done well at the later chapters, which showed that you had improved alot.
The story by itself is interesting. A breath of fresh air compared to all the drug eating, god slaying, haremic disaster waiting to happen, OP-ed MC who had nothing to do but destroy mumbo-jumbos. Not that I don't like those, but your story is on another level of goodness.
Magic + Science. A good premise if you can pull it off. You are doing just fine. Perhaps a suggestion, if you might. The Chapter 6, some of it can be hinted at earlier chapters to ease the reader's understanding. I'll leave it to you which part you think is necessary.
I skipped about and read some of the Gin's notes. Honestly, I was hoping for more. As Gin who I think was a smart, clever and resourceful person, surely he could make note better than that, right. It was written in a way that just... let say it like how a boring history teacher would often teaches it's student.
I don't go for the usual prose hunting, grammar scrutinizing review. Yours are readable though there were some mispelled word that could be taken care of easily. If you use Grammarly, then it would help you more. All in all, the grammar is good. Don't let small mistakes here and there ruin your content creations.
Is it me or I would prefer Wo Pim. In just 1-2 chapters, he had more personalities than the MC, Gin. Gin for me strike as bipolar character with weird personalities ranging from a throwing tantrum brat to a genius in warfare kind of guy.
Honestly, your supporting characters have better personalities than Gin. I don't know why, perhaps that's just Gin. And you know what, supporting characters are often neglected by most of the author. You had done very well in making your supporting characters likeable and memorable. For that, you have my respect. Kudos.
Better than most of the stories here that uses cliche storyline, cliche MC, cliche world, cliche everything else. You have done a great job and please continue to do so. I'm happy that there are authors like you who decided to write what he wanted to write without resorting to cheap tricks and misleading title. The reason why I don't give a 5/5 was because of the confusing start and Gin's notes read like a text book. That's all.
This is my review up until chapter 5.
To be honest, in my lfe, I have seen and experienced myself leukaemia patients handling their lifes and their struggles with their loved one. So, I'll based on that bias when giving you the review. Some of these people were my friends and people whom I known for quite some time.
TLDR: go to the bottom, alright :)
I like your style. Proper pacing with good details in between. It's juicy with enough spices sprinkled around.
Reading your synopsis, I might take this as one person POV, which is the MC herself. Honestly, I think the MC was just being too drama queen. The silent-type mind you. If as if she wanted people to read her mind all the time and she was not willing to do the same to others. There was no benchmark of her actions. Spend a day or two with leukaemia patients and you will see what I mean. If she wanted to lash out, let her lash out. If she wanted to seclude herself, she will seclude herself from everyone. Not going to school would be a good indicator.
I don't mind if you elaborate more on certain things; for example about her memories of other people. Alyssa is 18 years old and had a previous life before she was diagnosed with leukaemia, right? So, it would be good for us to actually correlate what was happening to her now versus her previous version. So we can compare. And that comparion would make Alyssa's story more compelling.
I knew people change 180 degrees when their life when given a turn for the worse, but Alyssa needed to do more than just being the depressed and taciturn self. Was she bubbly? Cheerful? Helpful to the point service above self? Or loving daughter? A dependable friend? Nothing was told except that she did not act like before. Like how before?
By the way, no doctor will allow test to be taken on children below a certain age without their guardian's consent. Taking a bone marrow test involved high-risk and extremly delicate surgery. It's not like a needle being inserted into your veins for your blood to be taken. This procedure can be extremly painful even with sedative.
I don't know how the law at your place govern this, but a doctor will always hold their Hippocratic Oath and not 'death-sentencing' a teenager. Not directly to her, but to her parent's first and foremost. And of course there will be supporters group to counsel her and such.
You have excellent grammar. Don't mind the usual tenses mistakes as everyone who writes had them. As long as it doesn't break the flow or give another meaning altogether, you are good to go. Keep it up!
Honestly, I can't correlate that much with the MC. I cannot feel her suffering, her despair, her trauma and her fear. What was she most afraid of losing? All I'd read was "I'm this and I'm that because of that."
Not that I don't have a heart, but she screamed to me as if to say "Look, I'm going to die. So, what do YOU want to do about it?" Unless love is what she severely lack from others. But from what I had read, she had lots of love, especially from her friends. Her mum... nothing much was said about her.
For example, in chapter 5, all I can related that the MC was interested in to see how her mum acts to her having leukaemia. She's more interested in how people react when they know she is dying instead of sharing her grief and helping each other out. Same too as her friends.
Perhaps this line could help you understand: "The pain of suffering is not just for those who suffers, but for those who watch you suffers too."
All in all, I want to feel all the characters and their emotions. No just random angst. Leukaemia is real and death is real. The pain is real and the fear of loss is real. Make it the center of your work because that's how your title imply, right. Not just Alyssa, but also of her people around her.
And the other supporting characters lack voice of their own. I mean they sound, acted, behave, thought and see from the same point of view. They had no distinct characters of their own.
Overall score: 4/5
Something new to read compared to the usual stories I've read in here. You are brave to tackle an issue that most people would not find familliar and treated it as some tears-jerker. It is not just tear-jerkers. It's thought provoking, heart-warming, soul-searching kind of piece that if you can pulled it off, I can reassure you, that you will have a fan favourite.
Now, where do I start?
Let's do it by breaking down the review. It's a long read. Hopefully you don't mind. If it's TLDR; just go to the bottom.
As I read through from chapter 1 to chapter 5, your style has inproved dramatically. It has a casual style to which I like. Nothing heavy and it's a simple read. However, you can improve on a few things further to make this novel more engaging.
- You tend to overly describe something but neglected to describe something else that was important. For example, you tend to overly described Kaia's dress and Alex's look but did not describe anything else in between. For example, the gala and auction is supposed to be a peak of one's achievement, but nothing was done to describe it. How was the layout, the view, the people, who are they and why are they there. The marriage was rushed and that was the most important scene since that scene made the two MCs come together. When Alex saved Kaia, I felt that it was out of nowhere. It's too simple with 3-4 sentences and then next I knew, the MC popped out the big question. It's supposed to be romantic right?
- Purple prose are alright if you can balance it out throught out story. Don't choose to explain in detail in one area and neglect the other. Spend some time to describe the scene like what you did with the villa's view. High society people are OCDs and they tend to be perfectionist in everything they do. That include what they wear, the way they eat, talk etc.
A typical romance story so I should not look into logics of how a romance started. I read lots of romance novel courtesy of my wife's collection and some even started with much more unrealistic introduction. However, there are a few things that you could polish up for the your story to become more gripping. These are some of the ideas that you can use:-
- Arranged marriage? When was the arranged marriage done? When Kaia was in her teens? When she was a toddler? Or younger than that or before she was even born? The setting of the arranged marriage could explained a little further because Kaia's parents seemed to be unaware of Caine's behaviour. Why did the parents want their own daughter to marry an abusive and playboy jerk? And they have Annie too. Why must be Kaia instead of Annie married to Caine? Though arranged marriage culture is not prevalent in most countries, but it still existed and most of the arranged marriage happened before a girl reached 17-18. Kaia is 23 and at her peak of her adulthood.
- How did Kaia and Alex became a rival? A paragraph or two explaining this would help the readers to find out how much of a rival they are. Rivals are made interesting because one will always try to up each other. Entertainment businesses are brutal and ruthless and if one is another rival to another, what made them happened that way. The No.1 vs. the No. 2. A rival falling in love would always be a great love story. So far, I have yet to read anything more than just people in the same business treating each other with distrust.
- Are you familiar with high society and their conducts? Perhaps you could watch a few movies or read a few book that has high society conducting themselves. For example, how Bruce Wayne conduct himself versus how he become a Batman. Two extremely different personalities. Another one would be Pride and Prejudice. Though the setting was in 1800s, but you can see the class and how people in high society act. So, what are Kaia's and Alex's personalities? I have yet to found one other than Kaia acted like a distressed teenage girl far from her icy cold and ruthless bossy CEO and Alex's acted like he was always at the right place at the right time kind of guy, laidback and friendly.
Ohh... the bane of every writer including myself. I would not judge one's author work based on the grammar. So, I'll give it a neutral rating. I was confused many times as I don't know who's talking to who, jarring sentences that seemed to pop out of nowhere or did not have a proper conjunctions to make the sentences flow smooth and easy. Your choice of words are very simple and that's very good. Keep it simple but keep it flowing seamlessly.
I wish I can give higher. Don't create a character just for them to fill in the story. Make the character that you create appealing and make us feel him/her especially Kaia and Alex. MCs are what made a story. I don't agree with people saying people don't care with the settings, characters, history etc. when starting out your story. To me, it's better than creating a series of dialogs between few people without substance.
Incongruent characters. Kaia was supposed to be icy cool, bossy and ruthless woman. But 5 chapters in, I have yet to read how cold, bossy and ruthless she was. All she acted was kind of a growing up teenage girl trying to find her first love by throwing tantrums and demanding favours. Caine was supposed to be abusive and a playboy jerk but other than trying to force himself on Kaia, to me he is just a bully. A normal bully and a rich man's bully will always act differently. Make us hate Caine and sided with Kaia's decision.
Take a while and sit in your character's shoes. This will always be the writer's hardest work. A so-so storyline, cliche dialogs with powerful characters are always better than a one-in-a-kind story line, powerful dialogs but with bland characters.
If you want to make a guy a jerk and abusive, show it.
If you want to make an icy cold, ruthless and bossy woman who have emotional wall around her, show her angst.
If you want to make a calculative and mysterious Romeo who wanted to up his rival, show it.
All in all, make us feel it. Playing multiple roles as a writer is not easy but I know you have the heart and the skills to do it.
Overall score: 4/5
Because of the potential and I can see how much effort you put in writing, I'll give this score. But like I said, I want to feel more. It's alright if you over elaborate certain things or purple prosing your story, but a well balanced one will make us feel what you and your character feels. Immerse us into your world.
Continue on writing and improving. Put your soul, heart and energy into your characters and you will see them grow without you realising.