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Caladbolg

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Zjjan Master

RoyalRoad#101 (^.^) - Misplaced Poetic Compilation

Brief explanation from me

I have a feeling that there are multiple reasons as to why no one reviewed this work yet. First, it's obviosuly poetry-oriented, what makes whatever review people make by this site's standards... feel wrong. Theoritically, all the problems I'm about to describe in this review can be written off as 'poetic freedom' of the author, given the style of this work. However, since this is a site that's mainly for novels/books, I will review it as such while still trying to be as neutral as possible. So, keep in mind that my scoring wouldn't be the same had I conceded and simply judged your work as a work of poetry.

Either way, let's get into it, shall we?

Personal Enjoyment Score - 0/10

As far as my tastes and what I expect from a book/novel/text which I read, this work couldn't be further away. By no means is this novel (?), this piece of prose, bad in the sense of the word 'bad', but it's not for me. Similarly I believe that the very majoirty of people on RoyalRoad will find this work to be not for them.

Now for the more objective part of the review~

Story Description

What can I say, it's confusing and all over the place. The author tries to tell the potential reader too many things at once and explains too much at once. This, in my humble opinion, will lead most people to click away since the prospect of reading something that fully seems to be confusing in its execution will be mentally draining.

I'd suggest deleting all of this and writing a simple explanation of what this story is about within at most 2 short parahraphs. As for the grammar gimmicks, if readers can't figure them out on their own while reading, then there's something fundamentally wrong with your usage of tenses, to begin with.

Style

Please swap what's in spoiler tags. Every time I go to next chapter my eyes are assaulted by the white-pinkish background of those pages. You've even indicated that the text part is the 'RRl version', so why isn't this one the first thing we're seeing? Come on...

Well, moving on.

I don't like descriptions separate from the main text of the novel/book/whatever this is.

I also don't like the short and jumpy lines that by the necessity of the style you, as the author, have decided to use, don't really connect with each other gramatically. This is partially a style and partially a grammar issue tho.

Overall it wouldn't be that annoying had it not been for the peculiar choice of 'poetic-feel' for the story on your, the author's part, so it's not that bad all in all.

Grammar

Okay, I get that the first few pages are a poetic introduction and I'm not well-wersed in those matters, so I won't take them into consideration when scoring grammar. I will say, however, that they were painful for me to read through.

Beggining with the first real 'chapter', grammar suffers from the style chosen for this work. Perhaps if someone is looking to read a compilation of poems, then he would be satisfied. For me, however, it's nothing but annoyting when nothing connects gramatically from paragraph to paragraph and instead jumps from one thing to the other. Sure there is flow of events, but grammar...!

Let's leave the weird gramatical usage of words and sentences for later. First, let me point out the utterly distracting mish-mash of tenses and passive structures in the chapters which are an utter pain to read. Allow me to give examples:

Here's a sentence taken out from your chapter 3.

"Furthermore and again, those cries are successively yelled by a boy and a girl— whose bodies are shaken; eyes are gushing tears; hearts are beating fast —while sniffling and sometimes coughing."

Now, here's how I would fix this sentence up away from the poetic style.

These cries were of two children, a boy and a girl, whose bodies were shaken and whose eyes were gushing tears. The two little ones were sniffling and coughing, in their chests their hearts beating fast.

So, does it feel better to read now? It does for me. I get trying to write in a poetic fashion, but in my opinion it doesn't excuse being all over the place with your wording. I can close an eye for the first two pages since they were poem-like, but the following chapters won't be getting the same benefit of the doubt.

Let's take another example. Chapter 5 - tho for some reason I clicked more than 2 times to get to it from chapter 3.

Jaino has been staring at her face. Afterwards, he wipes the tears between her cheek and eye with his finger. "You and your brother survived until I came. This experience has made both of you become mature enough to face this world. So, stop crying anymore; be strong. With the event that has happened in your life; treasure your life and stay alive; until then, you’re invincible." His words approve by his smile.

And now for my version... (fixed the tenses in context of the paragraphs in the chapter too, feel free to go and take a look)

Jaino looked at her, his eyes drawn to the tear flowing down her cheek. He raised his hand slowly, as if he didn't want to startle her, and wiped the tear with his finger. He then smiled gently and said. "You and your brother survived until I came. You've already survived the worst, so cry no more. Be strong and smile, as to treasure the life you've been gifted with for the second time.'

Well, yeah. Maybe I'm blind to the wonders of poetry, but the majoirty of your text comes off as hard and unpleasant to read, at least to me.

Finally, there is the simple issue of normal gramatical mistakes. Using past tense verbs when present should be used, using past tense form when the senence structure calls for past perfect form etc. You could once again write it all off as 'poetic freedom', but it's not a poetry site. To me, those are mistakes.

Story & Characters

Characters... suffer from the level of grammar and the choice to leave pretty much everything apart from the few key sentences to reader's imagination. I'm annoyed that I have to figure out whether the chapter is speaking about a living tree with a soul or a person, then I just follow events about which I do not care. Tropes, tropes, tropes. It seriously reads like an ancient comedy of sub-par quality. I tried to read more of it, I did. But the level of grammar and the lack of any plot for me to follow killed whatever interest I had.

I feel like saying only this much would suffice to express my feelings on this part of your work, but for the sake of making myself as clear as possible, I will spell it out point by point.

- To get readers interested in the future chapters, you have to have either a foreshadowed plot towards which the story will develop as we get to know the characters, or actual relatable characters who are likeable, hate-able, intriguing, anything for the reader to want to interact with them more through the following chaptters. This story has none of that.

- For characters to be interesting, you have to actually give them some personality and background. I don't know if it changes later on since I wasn't patient enough to go beyond arc 2, but up until then everything was full of stereotypes and annoying attempts at 'humor' which were killed by the lack of world in which those jokes could actually play a role and be amusing/fun.

- For me to get immersed into a story, a bottom line for the flow of the paragraphs and readability of the text in terms of grammar must be met. No matter how good the story and characters, if the novel is unreadable, I won't be able to get into it and enjoy what I'm reading.

That's pretty much all I have to say. I feel a bit bad for leaving such a harsh review, but I refuse to sugarcoat the score part of the review because of that. I'd rather be honest and hope that author takes this review as an opportunity to rethink parts of his/her approach and possibly changes his/her story up a bit.

If he/she wants, that is. If it all falls under 'poetic freedom', then I don't get asking anyone for a review.


The Lost Redeemer

RoyalRoad#101 (^.^) - Above-Average Fantasy Book.

Personal Enjoyment Score - 6/10

~Or in other words, my own biased opinion as a xuanhuan writer and fantasy fan~ Do take this part of my reviews with a grain of salt since it’s completely subjective. If in the long run you find yourself to have a similar taste to mine, it will be a good guide for you. If not, simply omit it.~

While this novel is indeed good, it doesn’t really capture the ‘action’ part of its genre well enough for my liking. Sure a lot is happening almost all the time, but I never truly bonded with any of MC’s relationships - either by design or by MC’s own choices to push those relationships away. Throughout the whole story, there were certain interactions which I enjoyed, but they were short-lived.

Also, while I realize it’s fully intentional by the author, the hypocrisy on part of some characters and the annoying world-power setup which borders on the theme of ancient tragic comedy simply annoys me. Doomed if you do doomed if you don’t, the ‘fate’ has already chosen for you.

Finally, I couldn’t care less about any of the characters’ lives and deaths because of two reasons.

For once, we never bonded with those characters. Had this story taken 1000 pages to describe those same events more thoroughly, it would have achieved much better effect. Alas, something written as a book - or so I assume - can’t have all the advantages that online novels boast.

As for the second reason, some of the events felt forced just for the sake of following a theme which was set from the beginning. Hey look you did X which the ‘fate’ deems as a baddy-baddy act, so fate punishes you for it - this one would be the one which annoyed me the most. Won’t go into details, but for those who had read the story it should be obvious which event I’m referring to.

Story Description

It’s enough to pique my interest, so that’s good. On the plus side it also gives hints as to what kind of a fantasy setting your story is using. However, it could be a little more clear about the ‘hunted race’. Does both MC and the Prince-ally belong to the same race or two separate races? I’m sure it will become clear very quickly in the story itself, but I’d suggest you to tweak the description a little. Moreover, compared to the level of language the story itself displays, the description seems sad and forgotten. I would have never expected what I ended up finding in the chapters just by reading the description, be it at the overall introduction-feel or the description’s language level.

Overall Impression & Story

I enjoyed the beginning of the first chapter greatly. I was also positively impressed with the variety of words used for all the descriptions. MC’s first impression was very likable and interesting. However, the events MC was thrust into felt rushed. It might be because I’m used to stories spanning thousands of pages at the very least, but I would have liked to see some more long-term character interactions instead of jumping from one place to the other every dozen chapters. That being said, what casual scenes this novel/book had time for were very enjoyable to read through.

The next thing I paid attention to while reading was the appeal MC’s personality had to me. I sometimes really liked her choices and was very much looking forward to seeing how she would improve in this direction, only to be disappointed when she would change her mind. I was also waiting for some plot-twist to happen, but since I spotted no hints while reading, I wasn’t in high-hopes and everything ended pretty much as one can expect after reading the story description. Really, do change this story description! It takes away much from the book’s enjoyment.

Now for the concept of powers and factions in the created world. The factions are plentiful and the scheming and secrets between the major players presented throughout the novel keep you invested. Yet, the ‘concept of fate’ present in the story makes what could have been great and surprising… well, once again predictable. Character development is my favorite thing in the world, but I’d rather it be influenced by character’s own actions and those action’s consequences rather than the inevitable force of biased fate under which the world seems to operate merely in order to make a point. I wouldn’t have complained if the consequences were more logical and set-up in a more thorough way, but with one main glaring event I have in mind, it just feels forced.

In the same way, the main concept of Ethermancy is both interesting and infuriating at the same time. Without spoiling anything - sure, it’s an easy plot-tool to use later on, but it plays into the predictability which I mentioned before. I could randomly pick up a fantast book from my local store and I’d find something at a comparable level. Is it good for a lazy afternoon read when you’ve got nothing better to do? Yes. Is it a story I’ll remember in two weeks? Unlikely.

In other words, there are two ways to make a great story. Go with the tropes and pull them off perfectly - or innovate and self-create a main point of appeal to your story. In case of The Lost Redeemer, there was neither of those. As I said, is it an above-average fantasy book? I’d say that yes, it is. However, does it have something that pulls me straight into the story and makes me want to keep turning pages over and over just to see what happens? Not really.

Characters

The cast is well-made. The character are unique and don’t play into one-dimensional plot-tools too much. Had they been less constricted by the invisible bounds put onto them by the world’s setting, this cast had potential to uplift this story into greatness. Alas, good cast can only do so much if writing doesn’t allow them to shine (hello GOT S8).

Grammar & Style

Very enjoyable read in terms of spacing, word usage, richness of the language and of course, grammar. There were a few mistakes here and there, but nothing noticeable.

The only issue was… this. Can you see the problem if you keep using this to empathize which word the reader should pay attention to? Let us imagine those scenes on our own, including tones of characters. Using this once per 10 chapters is fine and all, but not in the number it’s present in this novel. It drove me so mad that I was about to drop reading at a few points just because of it.


The Cooking Master

I don't understand those positive reviews at all.

@Scroll down for second review. I’d rather make second one, instead of deleting this that angered fans of this novel, heh. Well, they were right in some aspects, and in others i still remain firm. Duh, well, that’s for it :) Geez, my longest review, hah.

 

 

 

@Edit comment after a day from me: Funny how this review was upvoted to 10-11/1, and then as if by some bot accounts 13 negative points were added, hahaha. Man, just trashing reviews will not make your story look better. You’d be better off if you actually fixed story, instead of doing random sh*t like that ~~ If it was done by those few people that came to read new chapter, or if your story actually becomes decent later on, then sorry, but just delete first 8 chapters and start from that :)

 

Okay. You write a lot of things, and maybe you just wanted to have some fun with this series, but regardless i will just tell you what i think about it. And i think it’s horrible.

 

Review, 1’st part – ‘Does it make one want to read it?’

 

As an author, you fail to make me want to read this story even before first chapter, by making strange description. Who the heck is going to read this if he is told that he needs to read up to ‘9’th chapter’ until he can ‘decide to drop or continue’? It’s like telling me that first 8 chapters are crap anyway and i should just ignore them. If so, why are they there anyway?

 

I indeed only skimmed through few chapters, not even wasting my time to read them properly. And even if i did read them, it would take me only 20 minutes for all of them, as they are horribly short. Just merge them into less, instead of trying to ‘enlarge’ this story in this way. Unless you are planning to release 1 chapter per day on regular basis, what you aren’t doing anyway.

 

What’s more, original story can be influenced by other novels, books, anything. But it’s original when it creates it’s own rules, it’s own world. What i see here is copy of BTTH and ST of I Eat Tomatoes, with elements of cooking that are there for whatever reason… Quite low quality copy, with that being said.

 

In prologue, even before story starts properly, as an author you already tell us that MC is going to become strongest… Sure as readers we can expect that MC is unlikely to die etc, but along with fact that you also proclaimed that this will be story about ‘OP MC’, it just gets boring straight out…

 

Puuah, okay, first part is more or less that, let’s go further with this spalsh of cold water…

 

Review, 2’nd part – ‘Is it interesting to read?’

 

Obviously, NO, it’s not. You told us EVERYTHING that is going to happen before we even started, how can it be interesting at all when all you focus on is just ‘creating whatever reason for my MC to do X and Y’? Events are neither deep nor interesting (yes i forced myself to read more of this novel just so i can write proper review), each and every thing that is happening is either simple, unreasonable, or 100% copied flat out from other stories.

 

For the sake of god, even training ways are ******* copied from things like LMS training centers. i have no words for that… Something from you as an author? Some story plot? Anything? No? Okay…

 

Review, 3’rd part – ‘Everything else

 

Style: To be honest, you are just going fast forward. If you don’t want to pay attention at all to early life and training of your MC, just don’t write about it instead of showing us this nightmare. Skip to the part when he is already strong.

 

Story: Half star? I would give you minus points for it if i could. This story is not even yours, it does not have anything to do with being yours. What’s even worse, it’s really bad… It’s disgrace to every great work to be used as a reference in this ‘story’.

 

Grammar: Nothing too bad, nothing too great.

 

Character: Why do you insisit on creating your character in a way ‘because he is supposed to be like that’? He is not good character, he is shallow, he is boring.

 

Overall: Just drop this story right now, so it will not influence people to not want to read your other works. I also seen similar post to mine review in comments of chapter 6. Well, either re-write-re-create it from very begginng, or stop. I honestly got no idea what are with those good reviews. Can some admin check if author did not actually create mirror accounts and write them himself? Because i can’t believe that anyone who reads this crap could see it as anything good at all.

 

… Sigh.

 

 

 

 

 

@To people who responded to my drastic review one way or another, i will say few words of how i see it and why i wrote what i wrote. I’d rather explain it properly, instead of, for example, deleting this review.

 

Why  am i so angry at author? Well, first part is because of few reviews that compared this story to few really good novels, and after trying to read it myself, it only made me furious. If one wants to sugar coat his words every time when exprssing his opinion, sure, he can go ahead. I tend to say what is on my mind if i am angry at specific person.

 

Next part, about ‘bot accounts’ – yup, here you guys are right, i probably did read too deep into this. There is no point in arguing about something that can not truly by proven anyway. As you said, i could as well make more accounts and upvote my review if i wanted, heh.

 

@mjunh – If you feel that it was too much to tell author to drop story OR re-write it, because, be honest with me here, those chapters are not up to his abilities at all – was too harsh, then you are just too picky about wording. Yes i think it was crap to release a lot of chapters of poor quality. Yes i think it’s crap that Those chapters got 4-5 star reviews out of blue. Compare this novel to other top-novels from RR and tell me if this one truly deserves them.

 

The point about actually telling author what i have against story and giving pointers to fix it was 100% right, though. It was my mistake to focus on expressing my anger instead of trying to help author. So, i will try to fix that problem, and here, below, i am adding full review after reading all chapters available up to today (up to Ch.11)

 

I will actually split this into two parts. First of them is going to be reviews about chapters one-by-one, and second will be overall review.

 

Prologue:

 

You might want to get a proofreader for this chapter. There are numerous mistakes that are not hard to see at all. I believe you can correct them yourself though, if you actually give it some effort.

 

I know it’s tempting to just dish out information about your world in first chapters, but it’s an amateur way of doing it. I expect more from you, as it’s not your first story. You can either introduce world as story goes, for example through questions of your MC, as we follow him since birth. Other way is to create proper introduction of some place in this world that is of some importance. For example, some great academy, institute, or even some kind of tournament. Describe event of the past, anything. Just don’t go easy-mode like you did, it’s really underwhelming.

 

Also, you should stick to one time when writing chapter, or connect them together with some sense. Jumping from present continous to past perfect lowers quality preceived by readers.

 

Great option would be to add hot-links to index, and next-previous chapters, so reader will be able to focus on story when he is reading, not on going through tabs.

 

Chapter 1.

 

We still have quality problems with text, so, this needs proofreading.

 

I’d say that you should introduce some reason as to why father of MC can have ‘restaurant’ in village with only around hundred people. In such places, people would usually cook for themselves, by no means buying cooked food. They are poor, right? You said it’s poor village. Are there a lot of travelers? Or maybe cooking requies some special skills and others are willing to pay for that? You should explain more.

 

Chapter 2.

 

Grammar gets a bit better. But you could add how old your MC actually is a bit faster in this chapter. You tell us that he is too young, but only mention that he is four towards second half, leaving reader wondering if he missed it or what, heh.

 

Also, it might be just stylistic thing, but if village is protected in cilcular radius, and as you wrote, radius of five, then one lap is not 5 km, but around 25-30 ~~ Well, unless village is much smaller and all. Just a bit too less description to know properly.

 

Ch.4

 

Grammar mistakes are omnipresent. Story plot is simple, way too simple. Training way is nothing too innovative. It’s not bad, but far from being truly interesting, too. What discerns best authors from average ones is that they can actually make training be interesting. First step to do it is to improve your english skills, as you want to express a lot of things, as it seems, but you lack ability to do so. Use online translators to find words that you don’t remember and use them.

 

Ch. 5

 

You again and again use power-ranks, but you explained them only once. It gets confusing if you only mention them in prologue and then go with ‘okay, everybody knows how it works, no need to remind them’ Wrong! Describe it more, tell us how much time it normally takes for people to advance from one rank to another. Tell us what are the differences between ranks. Describe it more! In your mind it might sound great and epic, but as readers does not know what you have in mind, it can only be described as awfully lacking.

 

Also, why not give us some reason as to why his uncle is actually allowing young child to go out in the wild alone? And does not go with him? I can only see it as a plot hole.

 

During fights, especially first ones of young character, you could make use of describing his inner emotions. It gives proper ‘flavour’ (haha) to fight. MC was not nervous at all, he was not amazed after winning his first real fight either. It feels like it’s reincarnation story, as MC does not behave like kid at all. It’s important to be consistent on those, as it’s how you develop your character along with story, and make readers undertstand character.

 

I noticed that you often repeat yourself with simple wording. Use google to search for synonyms and use them. ?

 

Ch.6

 

It made me sad to see that you skipped parts that could actually be interesting for early stroy. Life and death situations, improving in battle, learning. You summed in up in one paragraph. Really?… With this length of chapters, you could easily make at least 3 of them about this alone. I guarantee that it would not be wasted time.

 

At lot of things in this chapter are unreasonable to boot. Why would expert allow himself to be blindfolded? Why would he not know how to cook if cooking could enhance effects of food, if MC learned it easily with no special attention given to it at all? Try to ask yourself if something makes sense when you are writing, and if it does not, create a proper reason so it can make it, hueh.

 

Yet again, your wording in battles and overall drags things down. For example, instead of ‘loud voice’ of tiger, you would be better off using ‘howl’ or ‘roar’. Those aren’t hard words, and you can learn them just by reading other novels. You might want to spend some time reading battle scenes from works that you youself mentioned in description, and make use of them.

 

Ch.7

 

You change power-ranks from this point, yet you don’t bother re-writing previous chapters. Why is that? Are you that lazy? Like come on, it’s not much work at all.

 

It seems that just ‘repelling stone’ can protect place from very top-tier beasts. It just does not do good for the story if place has sound-proof protection like that. I’d suggest creating other reason… Maybe you have something in mind for future with that, but from quality of world settings so far, i honestly doubt it.

 

Also, you are fixated on training ‘stamina’. Just change it for anything else, just power would be fine. Also, word endurance can be used in exchange with ‘stamina’ when you keep repeating it over and over close together. Or, if just ‘stamina’ is so crucial to MC, then give it some proper attention and explain to your readers why is it so, and what benefits does it give him apart from most obvious ‘not being tired too fast’ – – –

 

Ch 8.

 

Please, proofreader. ?

 

Idea of becoming monster is nice, kinda reminds me of Arifureta development. I’d enjoy it a lot more though if all of that was more wide. You just go fast-forward with everything. MC did not seem to have any relation with people from his village in your story, and yet he is being kicked out.

 

One problem, because you are contradicting yourself. MC got ill because he ate ‘infected’ food, just like magical beast, right? So, it implies he was magical beast to begin with, not that he was turned into one by food – which other villagers also ate. If this is actualy story plot that you want to exploit later on, great! If no, make it one, because it will be quite good, hah.

 

Ok, Ch.9

 

You decided to make it Re: story with a reason as to why those effects of being stronger appeared. I am kinda dissapointed, because monster-lineage could have been better, at least in my opinion. Sure this development, is not bad. But for me it’s honestly lacking. Creating better cooking plot would not be hard if you used some time to think about it…

 

You give us some feelings of MC, yet again they are without background. To make them have better impact, you should have added few chapters about MC’s interactions with village. About his friends his age, about his first crush (?) Anything. Now it’s like ‘meh, he leaves village, not that i care, we don’t know much about it anyway’ -.- It becomes dull story plot instead of being something more. I will keep saying it, it’s not your first story! Try harder!

 

Ch. 10

 

You yet again use power-levels without much explanation. Don’t expect that people will remember power levels after reading them once, when they are just said, with no story around them at all. Not even situation that would make some character talk about power levels or explain them. You tell me ‘ohh, its monster of X level!’ And i answer “So, what? I don’t know how strong it really is, i don’t know how long would he need to live to be that strong. How can i be excited when reading about it?’ Duh, well, you should be able to guess how to fix this part.

 

I will not tell much about princess development.

 

I can advise you to not put ‘stickers’ with explanations in your story. Just the fact that you need to do that proves that you, as an author, fail to include proper parts in chapters so that we, readers, can actually know this ourselves. Author notes in middle of chapter make readers stop imagining situation, and start wondering about explanation you give them. It lowers pleasure from reading by quite a lot. Either put them as part of story, or if you can’t, stick to having them at the very end of your chapter.

 

Ch11.

 

To be honest, you totally lost me in this chapter. You kept jumping from one thing to another without creating any proper connection or giving explanation. I did not know how events are connected to each other at all. POV style… Geez, it’s not well done at all.

 

 

 

Okay, so now overall:

 

Overall advices, i will keep them short and simple in TLDR version.

– Get proofreader, this is a must. Your grammar is really bad.

– I’d advise dropping POV style. You don’t stick with it anyway, you have toubles using correct times and phrases.

– Describe power levels in depth, describe them more.

– You understanding of cooking, even with net-standards, is not much. Read some cooking mangas so you will know how to create fun things.

– Don’t fast forward with your stroy. I know you are trying to do it with POV style, but it obviously does not suit you. Surprisingly it’s one of hardest types to correctly use, so… Yeah.

– Stop being lazy and re-write first 6 chapters. If you change parts of story later on, such as power ranks, go edit them in previous chapters, too.

– Instead of rushing fast-forward, you really should focus on certaing more events. If you want readers to be interested in your novel, so that they will F5 every few dozen of minutes just to find new chapter, events can’t be as shallow and all over the place as they are now.

 

So, after reading everything slowly, my final rating will be:

 

Style: 2 stars. You don’t know how to write in this style and you don’t have proofreader. Well, what else can it be?

 

Story: Honestly, idea is not original. As you said it’s mix of various novels and mangas. So i will just rate it on how much i enjoyed it when reading (what was heavily influenced by low quality of chapters). 2 stars, again.

 

Grammar: One star. Mistake on mistake, errors everywhere. Using same words over and over. Honestly, it’s really bad in this aspect. Especially first 9 chapters.

 

Character: If this was first stroy that i seen, i might even have rated him well. But it’s not. And you did not pay much attention to character development of your MC at all. So, 2 stars.

 

Overall: 2 stars. It’s rushed story that seems like you are doing for pure fun and lolz. But, you keep asking for feedback at end of every chapter, so it leads me that it’s not supposed to be pure troll stroy. If you gave it as much attention as you honestly could, it would be possible to reach 4, or even 4.5 stars. It just requies work. I suggest you to slow down release speed and focus on quality rather than quantity.


Forgotten Conqueror

Too much 'epicness' can actually make readers choke.

I will keep it short, as i don’t feel like doing advanced review right now. Main problem i have is that… In 90% of chapters people are in awe of MC, every, damn, time… I used to check for new releases with anticipation, but now it’s just ‘meh, new chapter, he will show off, pawn somebody and others around will be in awe’…

At the beggining you actually created proper build-up to situations. After 15+ chapters, you stopped. Maybe you feel too obliged by donations and are too scared to write normal, build-up chapters so donors won’t feel that they ‘wasted money’? Fix that as fast as possible, or you will really start losing support.. It’s great story, and could be even greater if you created proper stage for MC to act on.

Also, when MC was few years old and used strong magic for the first time, it actually showed side effects. I really wonder why you decided to not continue using this in meaningful way, so his current ‘learning’ and ‘getting stronger’ would actually be more than ‘growing up’. Y’know, something like, his current body not being capable of holding (using) his true amount of power ;)

 

Why 3.5 stars? I cut 1 for shallow character creation of side-characters in second part of the stroy. Well, it improved a bit after ‘The Group’ Review, but after that you forgot about it again and returned to old habits… And half of it goes down because you are going downhill, instead of keeping up great quality from first chapters as far as storytelling and storymaking goes. If you feel to pressured to release fast by donations, then really, do somethnig about it, because sure, having more new chapters is nice, but if they become worse because of that… People will stop suppoting after some time, as they will just grow bored.

 

Haha, it could actually count as advanced review by word count, huh? Daah, i will create proper one later and try to give you some more hints :)


World Gate Online

Great potential, but it's simplicity is a bit boring.

Hey there. Unlike others here i will actually do a review that is based on rather wide standards, where, to be honest, your story falls quite flat. Why do i think so? Well, i am about to explain. Please instead of getting discouraged, or thinking 'he is just writing BS, he is wrong, there is nothing bad in my story', make some use of this review. ;)

 

Style: Sure pictures are great, but i Really, Really would want to see you actually desribe more. I did read dozen of chapters, but either descriptions were really short, or just weren't there... I am not asking you to overdo it and go to the level of describing for whole pages like some old authors did, but still!

 

Grammar: I am not native speaker, and i still noticed some mistakes. It's not like they were hard to find, i wasn't even proofreading at the moment, only reading normally. It just feels like you did not bother with proofreading more than once before releasing your chapters. Other than that, it was fine.

 

Story: Now, the greatest thing that became major dissapointment for me. It's too simple! It's too linear! MC sees, MC decides, MC never is wrong in his assumptions! He blindly believes everything he is told and never seems to be wrong so far (i read up to X'teen'th chapter, then stopped because i was bored)... Sure you created 'plot' from the past, but present events are as simple as construction of a ****, you know? What's more every other character in game seems to be plain stupid, what holds back a lot of nice possibilities, too.

 

Character: Geez, so much potential here, again. I really enjoyed characters you created, but... You just created them, and then forgot about them. Sure they are part of the story, but only that. We never seem to get to know them well enough to 'be connected' to them as readers. Even though idea of vampire princess is a bit cliche, i still loved it. Only thing... You never paid any proper attention to it...

 

Overall: 3 stars. Improve! You have potential, as long as you use it.


Shiv-The Child Of Oberon

Okay, maybe let's start with things i really liked in this story so far. Number one, in-real background story and overall In-Real character you created. Yes, only in-real! I got a nice 'feeling' from seeing MC and how he behaves there given his status and position. It was also quite refreshing to not see him be driven by some boring revenge-plot... But what he is in game, you seem to want to continue describing him in the wame great way, but the total lack of build-up destroys it. I will get into this a bit more later on...

 

Second major thing i loved was time-skip to the past during his training in-game. Given character that he was "playing" there, his own quelities shined well, you also created great battle story won through tactic, not one-man-army power like in most VR's i did read so far. Main plot contained nice small side-stories and we could also see things from perspective of other characters, and how their opinion changed thanks to MC etc. Really good piece of work!

 

But, everything else feels lacking. Very, very lacking. You created a specific character, but i just can't enjoy the way he behaves in game, nor is there any interesting plot with how his skills evolve. This Novel was not called "Child of Oberon", to begin with, and i think that it would be so much better if you did stick with your original idea. I know you wanted to write about amazing and glorious MC in VR game and what he did there, but it all requies actual build-up!!! You can't just shove only "greatness" in the face of reader, without anything else, because he will just choke up with it sooner or later... Especially if you lack proper ideas...

 

The part of being enemies with this whatever-he-was-called creator of the game... I can call it your worst idea and worst production without any doubts. Their meeting in-person in England was ridiculously bad and rushed. You did not explain any background reasons or whatsoever as to why Whatever-he-was-called got so scared, you just wrote about "another amazing moment of our great MC" without ANY proper story around it. Like, i mean, this story has a lot of unused potential, but your bias towards "awesome moments" is killing it, as you dont know how to build-up story properly. Read more books or novels! You will learn it and improve!

 

Duh, following last paragrapg, the whole idea of enemity with Creator of the game being main point of your plot is BORING as heck. It's way too straightforward and forced. You could create so much more complex and awesome scenario for his adventures in-game which are thickly connected with real-life events. So much unused potential! That is the reason why my overall rating is so low. You created golden goose but instead of collecting eggs, you made below-average bulion out of it...

 

To sum it up. I highly suggest re-writing your story from the beggining. As harsh as it may sound, at some point i stopped reading new chapters because i was not interested anymore. You should focus on creating more interesting plot, similarly to in-the-past event in training. Make a lot of connections between events, make every event be a lot more than straightforward walk! Even now i could give you so many easy to find ideas that could improve this story by leaps and bounds!

 

Well, that is my suggestion, what you do is up to you :) Also sorry for my medicore english, as i am not native speaker.