Shades of grey

So this story makes me scratch my head a bit because it has many great elements in it, yet there are several places where it could be much better. The author is clearly really familiar with the source material and shows that off in several ways. Maybe a tad too much in places, but that's not really an issue. The story is a fun thought experiment and kept me reading for a long time.


A large portion of the story is written in almost what I'd call a diary or report fashion. This is both a good thing and a bad thing. Good thing is that it suits the setting of a war that spans over years, and it also shows that not everything needs to be laid out in detail. The downside is that it would really be nice to get closer to the action on occasion. At a certain point the thing just turns into an endless porridge of 'conquered planet X, Y and Z, conquered these ladies and came up with a hundred new inventions.'


The problem is that we almost never get to see or feel those planets conquered, or get to see those new technologies used. I'm a sci-fi buff, so I actually know what almost all of these inventions are and mean. But I'd like to see them used and not just mentioned. The only ones that get any time are the ships, and even those could see more focus honestly. I'm also familiar with most of the planet names and general geography, but an endless stream of planet names gets boring after a time. Great, Coruscant/Corellia/whatever got mentioned. Now could we actually go there and see the place other than from orbit?


I think the biggest wasted chance in the story are the characters though. So a slight spoiler, our MC goes romancing his way through the majority of the female population of the galaxy. That's fine. I can enjoy the ride. The problem is, we don't actually get familiar with the people involved. We don't really get to spend time with more than maybe one or two characters in the entire story. Not even the Voices get a lot of time. I've read most of what's written, but I still don't know much about the personalities of anyone besides maybe Vette, as they all get reduced to one obvious quality that they have. This one's cranky, this one sings, this one...just is. We get such a surface level picture of all of them that they might as well not be there. Ironically, in a galaxy full of interesting characters, the most interesting characters in this story end up being the Gand that we meet once in a while. That says something.


On that note, I don't really care if the MC romances every female Jedi in the galaxy, but could we get some proper focus on even one of them? Once again, all numbers and no detail. He can have his harem and fun times too, just give us detail on a handful of them. Now it's clinical and boring. Oh, you boinked a hundred Jedi? Good for you, don't care. Because you made me not care. Oh, and if you do have 'sexy fun-times across the galaxy' as a major theme of the story, then at least go into some detail on the action. We always go 'off-camera' when things actually get interesting, and just maybe get a spiffy one-liner after. You're basically writing a smutty story without any smut in it.


The thing is, even with all of that, this isn't a bad story by any means. It just got boring and too samey after a certain point.

Magical Adventure

I rather enjoyed this one

This one has been an enjoyable story so far. There's room for improvement, certainly, but I think a lot of the fundamentals are sound. The writer either knows the original material very well or at least can fake it enough that a non-Potterphile like me gets fooled. I would rather see some further focus on characters, though admittedly that is somewhat hindered by the fact that the protagonist had to grow up first and most of the characters from the original story are still kids. Still, I'd like to see a bit more on the character front.


Speaking of, I like that the author straight up stayed out of the Quidditch thing, giving the protagonist a slight weakness, but the protagonist is still a bit too much on the perfect side. I certainly don't mind OP character as anyone reading my stories can attest, just that they should be a bit less on the perfect side. There's a fine line between an OP character and a too perfect one, but it is an important line. So far the protagonist has been a bit too much on the perfect side. I don't mean he needs to be nerfed, just that there should be a bit more focus on things he's not basically the greatest ever at.


All in all, though, those weaknesses don't mean that the story is not worth a try. If you're into this sort of thing, then I'd say it's worth a shot at least.


The story has been rather enjoyable so far.

Forgotten Conqueror

I have quite enjoyed the story so far. Haven’t noticed any major grammar mistakes either, so easy to read. Shaving off a star for effectively getting dropped, and slow releases even before that.


Quite an enjoyable read. There really isn't enough female protagonists, and it's a refreshing change.