First off, the overall story is enjoyable. It's reasonably fun to read, and the plot seems interesting, if a bit unoriginal as well. All my later comments are critical, but it isn't a bad story.
My main two complaints are on the author's style and character development. Jade, the main character, seems to have everything handed to her on a silver platter with no struggle. Not only that, but the way she accomplishes things is often in a quite rude manner that should set people against her. Unfortunately, they all seem to love her for some reason. There is very little explanation as to why this is, and most of her interactions follow this structure:
1. Person does something slightly rude, 2. Jade flips out at them because she doesn't want to be a pushover, 3. Person is shocked, 4. Person loves Jade, 5. Jade is proud of herself.
To be honest, it's kind of boring and also very unrealistic. Try to make the characters and their interactions more believable.
First off, let's sort out the positives. It's a good story and an enjoyable read, mainly for the following reasons:
1. There's great action throughout the story. Very well written, and an impressive amount of detail goes into each fight.
2. The characters all have potential to be really interesting and compelling. They have a backstory just waiting to be discovered that can influence their future.
3. It seems like there's going to be an interesting world. A few kingdoms, several cities, a not very nice government. The works.
However, while the story is entertaining, there are a few things that bug me and don't really let me enjoy it to the fullest extent.
1. The author says that the characters are going to take time to develop and get powerful, but within the span of about two hours one of the main characters was able to go from a street urchin deserter to a deadly warrior, taking ghouls out left and right. With silverware.
2. The author says this is a slow novel, but things are moving pretty fast for all the main characters. They are all getting some sort of powers and abilities from the system, and leveling up doesn't seem to be too difficult. The only reason this story may be seen as slow is because of the constant switches in perspective, which leads me into number 3.
3. Too many POVs for the first few chapters. There are four characters, and before you can really get invested into one of their stories, it switches to another. It makes it so that the story seems to lag a bit longer than needed, and it also makes it confusing about how much time has passed. For example, the army is still fighting ghouls, while it seems like the others are long past that and doing their own thing.
4. No one seems to care that the apycolypse has happened. Everyone takes this new system in stride and continues to do whatever they were before, even though literal ghouls came to life and slaugherted people while they gained access to a mysterious system.
5. There is very little explaination in several areas:
a. Why the system decided to come.
b. Who all the characters are.
c. Who those evil beings are and what their motivation is.
d. Why there is a war in the first place.
I'm aware that part of the fun is waiting to find out, but it isn't fun when there isn't any explaination at all. Even a teaser to tide us over and give us some context would suffice, but there really isn't anything. I'm left spending way too much time on trying to piece together a puzzle with half the pieces missing.
In the end, it's an entertaining read, but maybe work on the description you gave it on the title page, and maybe think about streamlining the story for the future.
I haven't read a lot of the story. Just the first chapter, actually. I gave every section roughly the average it had, I just wanted to make this review for grammar.
Oh my god, there are so many errors. Capitalization, punctuation, quotes, paragraph sectioning. It's all wrong. Seriously, take a couple minutes to proofread your stuff before posting it.
Honestly, this is a really good story. I'll come back and edit this later, but there really aren't any flaws I can find. Enjoyable and original premise, fun charcters, and cool plot. I'm really looking forward to where this goes.
Edit: The worldbuilding does take up a bit more time than it needs to. It's still a very good story, but there doesn't need to be an entire chapter for each new group or character we meet. It makes the plot lag in spots.
Edit: Moreover, the characters are sometimes annoying. They're just pushing all their troubles onto Edward while simotaniously limiting him left and right.
What you have here is a classic example of a wonderful idea being dragged down by cliched characters, stale interactions, and no struggle to get stronger. The original idea is fascinating. I love the idea of some people having access to a system in today's world, and I was fascinated to see where this goes. Unfortunately, the main character is forced to go along with the wishes of a shadowy organization, a childhood friend, his parents, and pretty much anyone who tells him to do anything. Any chance of personal growth is ruined because the main character really doesn't have the free will to do anything for himself.
The final product is a rather stale story about a main character training and discovering powerful hacks left and right only to be prevented from doing anything fun with those powers by annoying side characters and groups.
This story started out a bit shakey in my opinion. The characters seemed slightly one dimensional, and there was a sense of repetition that bugged me. However, I am very glad I stuck with this. Not only is it extremely funny, making me audibly laugh a few times, but it also gravitates towards a really compelling plot as time goes on. I can visibly see the author developing as a writer, and the story reflects their impressive skill. Thank you for this.
I'm very impressed with the quality of this story, especially considering that it only just started. LitRPG stories are easy to make fun for the first few chapters, but what is really impressive about this story is the planning for the future. From the teaser intros at the beginning of each chapter, to the chapters that take place from the view of a different character, I can tell the author has the world far more planned out than a usual beginning author. The one thing that I've noticed is that the main character's reaction to things is rather lukewarm or predictable. This is fine because it is the beginning of the story, and I can already see some more character development going on. I'm excited to see where this goes. Thanks for writing!
I'm on chapter 34, and while it is an enjoyable story, the game has only progressed about a week or so, and half of those days were covered in a paragraph time skip. Most of what is fun about LitRPG's are about their rapid growth and an interesting end goal. This is still entertaining to read, but there isn't really a plot, and the characters progress excrutiatingly slowly.
Edit: I'm all caught up. Still a fun story, but you would think more would've happened over 800 pages.
I read Desire, the other story by this author, and I can say that this one has improved by a substantial margin. I absolutely love the concept. It's a truly unique twist on the LitRPG genre, and although there are a few holes that exist (such as how could people grow if they are born on a later island and have to deal with extremely powerful enemies?), it holds up and promises to be entertaining as the characters progress.
Of course there are a few flaws, such as the characters being relatively simple in personality, Sophia being annoying at times(but that comes with having an OP main character being held back by a companion), and the character interactions sometimes seeming slightly stale, but overall I'm enjoying the story. It's always quite enjoyable to watch an author grow. Thanks for writing!
Short Version: One of the best concepts I've heard of, and an author that is constantly improving. A few flaws, but overall a very fun and enjoyable read.
This story gives me some serious reminders of YA novels I used to read. A kid, who has always wanted something more, discovers a hidden power and becomes the student of a wise and mysterious master of their craft. With barely enough time to learn a couple tricks, he gets sent off to a prestigous school to fend for himself and prove that he has what it takes to be a hero. That being said, I still enjoy these types of stories, and this one seems to be very well executed. Looking forward to seeing how this plays out, even though I can make some general guesses about the plot. Thanks for writing!