This story just wasn't for me, let me just preface with that. I didn't enjoy the humor this parody had to offer me. I found the character obnoxious and his inner voice annoying. My biggest problem with this fiction though, is that when you strip out the fiction, there is very little left.
The grammar is definitely great overall, found a few mistakes, but nothing critical. I agree with other reviewers that this would make a good short story, but without a lot more added in, I feel it would begin falling into blandness.
Story was fine, definitely wouldnt label it an adventure or an action story yet though. That might happen in the future. Again, seemed fairly light, lot of it was based off of the parody.
The chracter and the style go hand in hand here, as my dislike for the character hurts the style. Not only did I find him annoying, I do think that more importantly, Milton's description of the world is lacking and leaves the readers wanting for details. That or he obfuscates with unimportant references that are often too long and then doesnt bring the point back.
To sum up, because the story is in first person, Milton, as the main point of parody, fills the story with inane chatter without really adding much else.
While I certainly enjoyed reading the 2 volumes that are out I am writing this review to mention several pieces of (hopefully) constructive critisism for the author. First, though it certainly got better in volume 2, the story feels a bit disjointed with the chapters. It wasnt really until MC goes to the snow planet that every chapter had a steady flow. Especially for some of the earlier chapters, there was many gaps between chapters or chapters that seemed to start out of nowhere.
The grammar could use some improvement, I saw many mistakes especially with name capitalization or using the wrong word when several sound the same (homonyms? e.g. there, their). I noticed in some of the 18+ scenes, there was some almost copy paste text from other scenes as well as the /actual/ copy paste when someone was thinking about an earlier scene. That is lazy writing and not fulfilling to the reader to reread something again, especially when its almost a full chapter (I'm looking at you catgirl's mother).
You do seem to have tried to differentiate all of the girls and for the most part that has worked, but the two human girls do feel like they were forgotten for a while and then just kinda showed up again. Along with that, he still doesnt have a job (unless being the duke's aid(?) is now his job) and that isnt mentioned again since his reconcilliation with his fiance (is she his wife now? they had the bonding party but it wasnt made clear if thats all it takes to marry). It does feel like we are missing some information about some of his girls and even the MC himself (e.g. does he have a degree? why was he working at a supermarket? does he have any friends other than the two sisters? What does his dad do now that he's retired from being a pro fighter?)
Also, since MC is so annoyed with the Trefli knives that everyone seems to have, why doesnt he start using one too? its not like he doesnt have a few taken from those people he got them off of.
Bottom line, this is an interesting story that I think can do better. I do hope more chapters will come out and I will try and read some of the author's other stories as well once they have more chapters.
I read this story on your website and I have to say - hilarious. Not only is Abigail amazingly funny, but all of the characters have fully fleshed out personalities and react believably to the craziness that happens to them.