kronosxviii

kronosxviii

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Dante's Immortality

Progress: chapter 54

 

Style(Just two tid-bits):

A good fit for the story.  Only two things to point out are 'Sh!t' and PoV's.

When you're in a intense moment and there's a 'Sh!t' every other few lines to push the idea forward that this is a(n) intense moment and it's due or die. Is immersion breaking as HELL.  I get the purpose of it but, unless the MC swore a lot HIMSELF it doesn't make sense.  It just outwrite feels wrong for his character.

I don't mind changes in PoV, but I highly recommend something similar to what Ander does in his stories when he changes PoV.  He has a kind of header that let's you know who's perspective your viewing the story from.  And I simply find it nice.... :3

 

Story(Not much to say):

It's in its early phases still and is growing well.  I like the twists and turns we've had so far because it allows the story feel real and fluid.

 

Grammar(Amen): 

Thank and praise the all mighty spaghetti monster! 

Joking asside I have yet to run into a sentence or word use that has broken immersion.  I'm sure as I get to the most recent chapter there will be something here and there but the author does a good job of cleaning up errors with feedback from the comment section.

 

Character(Edgy and not retardedly OP):

I don't love the MC nor do I hate him, I've just come to like him.  He is essentially an adolescent naive edgelord that fits fairly well in the world you, the author, have given us. 

I see the potential for him to be very powerful, as pointed out by many characters and yet in the grand scheme he's still wonderfuly weak.  Reletively speaking.

Also, you have managed to do something that 95% of stories on royalroad struggle with: character Mother Fucking Development.  We've seen some improvement in his naiveness and what looks to be a minor growth in paranoia/wariness in beings/people who are stronger than him.  Which is very good for the world that he is in, in my opinion.

 

Spoiler: Spoiler

 


SEEING BEYOND

I'm up to chapter 20 so far and it's pretty good.  But the only thing that reallllllyyyy needs some work are those walls.  Good god man, are you planning on keeping someone out of your country or something?  I know that China has their Wall but I'm sure you don't need one for your story, do you? #ParagraphLivesMatter