LupineKing

LupineKing

1
Follows
4
Favorites
2
Reviews
2
Fictions
Reviews
Devious Dungeon

I really like the story this far. It's a great dungeon fic. One that is able to focus on the building without getting bogged down by it. The dialogue is great and the characters likeable. The grammar is not bad as well. 

Additionally, your habit of going back to edit the chapters and the clear amount of work you seem to be putting in tells me that you're determined and persevering something I admire. I can't say much about the plot as the story hasn't gotten far enough for me to make judgements on that but I suspect it's shaping up nicely.

The main problem I have is that motivations for the characters are very obscure. The god of darkness is basically along for the ride because he wants to... uhm okay. The contracted spirit has little choice but suddenly, despite his jaded past, he lets his guard down and even softens. The MC is more consistent but why was he involved in his study in the first place? We do not know and so far, it doesn't seem like we ever will. Is it his dungeon instincts that are making him cuckoo or is that what he was like all along?

Things I want to see;

  • Greater focus on magic especially runic magic. You can't bait us with the beginning you gave and then hold back.
  • Improvements in dungeon creature variety. I'm not saying get a long list of creatures it's just that nearly all the ones you have now share the same features. Big claws, large sharp teeth as well as strong bodies and those are their main offensive abilities. I'd like some innovation similar to the dagger birds.

To Get the Whole Sky

I'm not sure why this story has no rating or reviews. It's been here for years and has a high number of views and yet no one has rated or reviewed it. It may not have been updated in a long time but not even the stigma of being a dead fic should have caused this.

Intrigued I've given it read and I've got to say that it is quite enjoyable. It is a decent fanfic of Moonlight Sculptor and though it does not connect as much with the original story as much as I'd prefer a fanfic to it does enough to ensure that the facts are accurate so kudos on that. You also did well by introducing some interesting concepts such as the classes and the skills you gave the main characters and the oddly strategic way that the monsters wish to war. Though I'm currently wondering why they are choosing their current method (Forgive me. I have yet to see the gain in it)

Being an old story, I'm not sure how to rank its originality and some of the themes have become quite common. On the plus side, it does not copy paste Weed under a different name nor does it use the over used "I need money badly so  I'll play video games for a living" motive. It does however however disappoint in that as far as I've gotten (Vol 2: Chp 11) the MC's original motive for playing has only come up at the start and even then received mediocre elaboration.

There are also some things that I'm not sure I understand plot wise. Some decisions don't make sense (like the decision to join the rebellion or that of the monsters to even let them in. They advance plot but make you wonder why as well as call into question your characters. 

Besides the above, the characters, both NPC and Player are bland. You tried with the trainers but they just came off as irrational. The MC's party is terrible in that they seem to be close friends and partners after completing a single quest together (a very short and simple one) and the team dynamic is off. Please don't take this as a complaint. (Well it is but I trying to drive at something) I was just expecting more given what you started with. However, despite the cool classes and skills they all seem to be doing the same thing (defeating the purpose of division of labour) and worse when together they blend into one another. I can't tell who is who and not even knowing who's speaking helps. Flesh them out a bit more. You don't necessarily have to add conflict to bring them together but do reveal their social roles and work on their group dynamic.

 

Overall, this story is not bad, While I know that any hopes of it being continued are slim I'll still continue to read it. There's a lot of material here and I want to see how it goes. Does it get better? Does it get worse? I'll update this review when I know however thus far I see no reason to quit and many to stay.