Andur

Andur

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Fictions
Reviews
Restart Again

The grammar is good, the premise of the story interesting enough, and the writing is decent. This could be a really good story.

But!

All of that goodness is overshadowed by the decision processes of many characters. To the point that it totally breaks the flow of the story, causing the reader to sit up and question what the author was thinking.

To mention a few things:

-We have an MC, supposedly a war-hero and combat veteran, blacksmith, and magical prodigy, who proves his capability in one scene. In the next, all that goes out of the window when he walks into an ambush like some toddler which he saw coming from miles away.

-We have a pair of parents who decide out of nowhere to send their daughter on a journey with some complete stranger who they essentially know nothing about.

-We have a supposedly adult woman who knows what she wants in one moment and acts and behaves like a teenager in the next.

-We have a bunch of villains who present themselves numerous times to the inconsistent MC for slaughter. For some ethereal reason, they are not killed... Leading me to believe that the MC's hidden power must be something like the Lion King's Pride, unbeatable during the day and powerless at night...?

-... there are so many more things I questioned, but it honestly would be tiring to list them all.

What do I want to say with that? Well, this could be a good story, but it isn't. Many characters are inconsistent in their behavior, many decisions not comprehensible to the reader.

This is a case of: When the storyteller wants the story to go down a certain path, but couldn't be bothered to come up with a sensible scenario to make that happen. So he simply makes it happen.

The MC knows jumping down the cliff is stupid. There are rocks down there and mud, and it's deep. But that shiny stone down there looks like gold, so the MC jumps anyway and... (surprisingly!) breaks his leg...

Dear author, please work on going through a scene when you write it. Try to see what is happening from your character's point of view. And, try to admit your characters a modicum of common sense. Apply that to their actions and reactions.

All of your important story-points could have stayed the same if you had been bothered to think up a believable/sensible reasoning for the characters to act as they did.

This story could have been so much better.


Three Lifetimes [completed]

Deserves more attention than it has.

Style:

Could be better, could be worse. Parts feel like snippets of a diary, others like a full blown novel. But that's to be expected of a story with such a long timeline. Maybe making it read like an actual diary would give it more atmosphere.

 

Story:

Full points, minus one. That minus one is just because the few action scenes could have gotten a little more love.

But you get a light and funny romcom with a scatterbrain MC and all the major characters have their own feel to it.

I hope the gods get a good story arc at the end. Would love to hear more about Heaven and the Jade Emperor.

 

Grammar:

No major mistakes. As far as I can tell.

 

Character:

It's original, maybe a little too much inspired by Xianxa, but where Xianxa made me stop reading, this one kept me going. Mainly because it has a light feeling to it and isn't just a chest of wishes which have to be fulfilled.


The Whisper of the Nightingale

I am really on the fence with this story. So I'll try to weigh points which I liked against points which I disliked.

 

Style:

+Has a nice read to it and the reading flow is never broken too badly.

~author could have put a little more heart in editing the chapters.

 

Story:

+Love the start.

+Love the characters.

+Love the interactions.

+author seems to have thought about where he wants to go.

-execution fails when the family dies. Don't misunderstand. It's not wrong to kill the family. What sucks is the way the MC goes on a solo-tour... at the age of four... I still don't get that image out of my head.

It would have been so easy to let the bodyguard survive and take her to the school, and kill her afterwards. Or let her life. Or take her to palace and make emperor not believe her, so she still goes to school to hide from assasins.

Same outcome, but no brainpain.

-Story spins downwards from there. Nobody questions the MC and well developed characters are replaced with plot-dolls.

 

Grammar:

+ Full points because it's a good read. (rare on RR)

-Minus one because I still found some small mistakes.

 

Character:

+Love the atmosphere of the story

+Unique storyline

~World is inspired by Xianxa

 

Good start, but bad plot devices spoil it somewhat in the end. A little more thought and slight changes could make the story really good.


Against the Sky
I like it, because the setting is not seen often. Hope the story will evolve further. The english doesn't hurt my brain like some other fictions and it is a good read. I like the characters very much so far. Hope you will add more of them in the furture. As for style, some fictions are better, but i am with you. Its a pain in the ass to edit a chapter into something readable over minutes after you strg c+v out of your preffered writing tool.