JayQue

JayQue

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carl@fire

Story concept ruined by author

I'll start with this: The story is enjoyable, is pretty simple and for the most part has great grammar. Trigger warning: rape

But 

Easiest way to put this is the author is what we in Australia affectionately call a"bit of a cunt". For example, when readers critique parts they dislike about the story, the author reacts by sharing on discord and laughing at people. Maybe they have self moderated since then.

As for the things in the story that I dislike? The biggest frustration would be the way his writings flow. The most current and obvious issue would be the constant POV swap between the mc and isemine that does not give any new, useful or interesting information whatsoever. Sure there is some differences between them, but it's the same as finishing a story with "and then I woke up". It's badly done, breaks the flow of the story and feels like a time waster because it's pointless. We get the mc hasn't got a clue yet. We get everything isemine is saying because the point has been made on the first swap. 7 swaps later and you open the chapter, see who's pov it is, and close because you know ever tiny detail. He's just waxing poetic bullshit to piss people off intentionally, or thinks he is better than everyone else and they need every little detail explained.

If I thought the author wasn't a massive wanker, I'd actually write constructive criticism to try help them improve, and not just write a rant on the off chance a single person might save wasting an hour of their life


Road to Legend by Verelios

I should begin with this: Only made it 5 chapters I was not a fan of the writing and conversation style at all. If you have read machine translations, this is better but has the same issues with flow. Lot of niche references, MC is your basic great at everything but socially inept.

Grammar, to my surprise with how frustrating and tropey it read at times,was actually pretty damn good.

For some this could be fun, but definitely not 5 star level compared to any of the current top fictions.  Sorry mate


Superior Era

Don't stop believing, hold on to the feeling

Classic superhero story with a vaguely medieval/fantasy setting. No tech, but some form of magitech from "artificers".

Enjoyable read, reads well for someone wanting a power trip. Yes the MC is a bit of a Mary Sue rogue, but it fits the whole super hero vibe (superman is 100% a Mary Sue)

 

To the author: So your main character is a Mary Sue. Roll with it. It will be hard to write emotional challenges believable for him, but you will fulfill the audience's desire for the triumphant hero overcoming the bad guy. Write this story as is till you are done with the story and have fun. Next story you can do differently and play around with character development more if you want to. Either way, nice work, was a fun read


The Perks of Immortality

Slow to update but an enjoyable read

The grammar on the whole is decent, and the story is enjoyable. Its got the right kind of vibe, and enough of a premise to go far


Opening an orphanage in another world

Read till chapter 5. The English is bad. Struggle to make sense of a lot of sentences. It might improve in more recent chapters but I couldn't.

@author, I'd recommend following the normal conversation layout - "I want to go home" said Ash. It makes multiple people talking easier to read. And try read your story once over after you write so it makes sense to you


Beach Bum

Month old isekai title, fun and light hearted. Currently at 20 chapters and a fun read


Monster Calamity

Beginner work, not the worst

For a complete beginner it's not the worst. Plenty of others have made the same criticism I would so I'll skip.

Things to improve:

Read a published book, specifically the conversations. Remember the following format: "I am speaking" said John Doe.

Now apply it to your story. It prevents confusion on who is speaking.

Another method used to prevent confusion is to make it clear when you have perception shift/timeskips/ new location. Currently you jump to other sections without any way to tell. At the very least say it's being changed.


The immortal and the personification of mana

Review as of chapter 5:

Story: MC is an immortal who somehow was able to time travel back to when he was born with memories intact. Uses knowledge of future to learn magic and item crafting (not explained), and regain immortality. Then saved future gf when she is v young, which if continues how I'm reading is going to be a little creepy (pretends to be someone else until old enough then reintroduce? Guardian over her till she is older then get into relationship? Ick)

Pacing is very fast, skips over a lot of time and content with no real explanation, no world building outside of combat.

Saying that, for someone that seems to be a new author, there is relatively few spelling/grammatical errors, compared to other new stories so it has potential to be a fully fleshed out and readable story in the future. There is a couple errors, but nothing that breaks the story to a large degree.

Recommendations: Try slow the pacing a little now you have introduced the main character and general plot concept, introduce some more world building about things not directly related to the pro/antagonists. Work on your conversations, as they currently read like a martial arts film, where it's only there because you need to find a reason for the MC to fight someone else.

Try avoid becoming yet another trope filled power trip, but if you want to do that best of luck! 

I'll try update this when more content is released, at maybe 25/30 chapters?


Eye of Adventure

Sort of interesting.....but a let down

Edit: after coming back a couple years later, when I originally read the story up to chapter 9 I wasn't super impressed, mostly with characters and grammar.

I reread it up to chapter 9.something (which is irritating when you split chapters without just saying it's the next chapter) I gave up again. Would not recommend, skim through on future chapters does not make me want to keep going.


Blood and Honor

Errors in writing, story is not bad

First up: Cons

- Needs an editor, or someone to read and correct spelling or incorrect words. Nearly every single chapter will have a couple larger confusions. For example, please stop using do when you should be using due. Lot of the mistakes are the wrong word being used because it sounds the same.

-Story is a little cliche and tropey. Harem and smut becomes large part of story.

 

Pros:

Interesting content

Beginning of story is super engaging

Spoiler tags used to hide gratuitous numbers leaving story east to read for those not interested in cold logic numbers.