The story just doesn't flow right at all.
The MC pops up in a lab where he reflects briefly about having just been inside a game with his gf in a 'vr?' pod next to him.
He quickly goes over some things he notices are similar to his gaming experience.
He notices the state of the room hes in and makes some quick conclusions about his intimidate situation and prepares accordingly.
> At this point its still fine, he's portrayed as someone quick to understand he's in danger and doesn't linger on useless thoughts till he find himself a time for such things.
His situation gives him no time for a break to sit and think, he is soon subjected to likely extreme pain.
Thankfully the mc gets teleported to the tutorial zone for a much needed break to figure things out.
> or not...
In a situation like this, people panic or become traumatized or at least have some (especially in this case) life altering thinking to do. No one would treat this like a game without questioning the very real feeling pain he went through during either the chimera-monster or the surgery. At the very least These assumed levels of pain would make someone think twice about experiencing it again, even if they think its highly advanced simulation. Yet theres nothing, no thoughts at all, no assumptions about it being reality or a game.
It felt odd reading him being transformed with crazy pain and then popping in the tutorial all fine and dandy, no lingering pain, no reflection on what happened or anything.
The tutorial zone is a town he's barred from entering right away, he sees other people, gets a few quests, checks his status changes.
Time to get some answers. about this weird happenstance.
> or not...
He runs off to attack monsters in a zone he knows nothing about, against monsters he knows nothing about, with no weapon and no sense of the geography and finds some rock trolls which he doesn't know their level, their specialty, nothing.
In the very first 1-2 chapters, we establish that hes quick to react and is able to prioritize. But now he just assumes things right off the bat without any facts/clues/knowledge, so that flies out the window.
He assumes hes strong enough to face whatever, assumes other races are also taking tutorial, just joins a monster horde side on no bases of knowledge.
He just goes straight into a elaborate comedy act with the first people he comes across. He still didn't outright say he thought it was a game. But he potentially sends another person to their death.
> so is he a smart, quick to act kinda guy?
> or is he a comedian dumb-ass with no thoughts?
it needs a major overhaul, to at least try to tie in to his current behavior and explain his current mindset of (i do what i want happy go lucky).
Scores are subject to change.
Currently the major flaw is his bahavior, i hope his behavior gets a decent explanation in further chapters, but right now its not good enough.
grammar a 5, style a 3.5, story gets downed by the character score i so critically gave a 0.5.
I read ahead on your own site but to give my honest opinion, its getting a bit 'he is a little too special' center of the universe.
Overall its about leon, he's the MC, but he has done hardly any work/effort of his own to get somewhere in life.
resources are bought, power found or given, a background of training off-script. which is why i scored it so low, your side characters have shown more growth then the MC.
To much happens around Leon that is either given easy, show cases him as the best or displays him as special.
1- prison and demon contract
2- star of the school
3- super rich inheritance and in-laws
4- the only useful soldier in an army of trained soldiers (the barbarian invasion arc)
5- very first mission just happens to be at a place where he is just given easy power again.
6- the prince granting him a position, of likely great honor, to be in his personal retinue.
its a bit much in the way of 'luck' or 'fate', its not a good read to write it off as 'he is part of x and y clan/blood' with no knowledge about said places at all and then just coming across them first thing isn't great to read.
-1: Handed extra power in the form of a demon contract, because he happen to come across a conveniently placed prison en-route to the bull kingdom. if he had heard rumors from his father or a warning that 'if in need of a hiding place go to' about the prison location it might have gone a bit less like 'he wants revenge, but he needs more power, well... here's free power', being that it was early on i can forget about it in favor of something like 'well this sets him off on his dual element path' as a story driven mechanic, but more freebies pile.
-2: star of the school, i can totally be fine with this, those nobles were high and mighty and have a 'you are just a backwater barbarian' kind of view, and he shows them wrong. besides it was indeed explained by his fathers training, which is something realistic, i'd train my son as well during our self imposed hiding from enemies of my clan.
-3: I always felt such things are gimmicky, the 'now he wont have problems with money or getting things'. basically he wont have to work for everyday life and can solely work on getting power... which he then gets for free as well...
the in-laws i can write off as the towermasters informing eachother and knowing the raime family, but it is power. for free. again. just in the form of connections.
-4: We already had that 'nobles look down upon barbarians' mechanic, commoners can be bigots as well, but everyone of those trained soldiers being useless and all of them putting their bigotry above safety, duty and honor, then him being the sole star that saves the day. fresh out of school less believable. would have been better if that commander (the one not a bigot) more actively guided him toward eventually saving the day instaid of a fresh soldier doing it all by himself.
-5: This one gets me the most, the way its written now he just gets free power, again convenient, if you had him interact with giants mayb the giants want to test the bullking's soldier worthyness of trade, by having a few duels, then having leon display a uncontrolled amateur burst of lightning mid duel and the chief seeing it, then inviting leon for private talk and then direct him to the cradle, it would have been easier to accept.
5.5- oh and dont forget a rare pet. also free.
-6: This one i can accept more then 1/3/4/5, the prince personally knew his grandfather and could see the resemblance, it is a position of honor/power given to him for free eyt again, but at least it makes sense.
-7: true like you said he has inherited blood, i must admit it slipped my mind. just don't give him some free or easy power/connection/contact again from the vampire or those listening in.
If you ever rewrite, try something like the suggestion of the giants scene in *-5*, it would turn 'for free' into 'circumstances let to'.
It would make for a smoother powergain.
I somewhat like her as she is portrait, her pov's helped with that, it gave her a mind of her own.
Leon's squire: (forgot name)
She feels more like shes there to bounce the illusion of 'leon has social conversations', sure its her duty to follow leon around, but she can have hobbies right? a personality?
Charles and co:
We do get some background and them being recurring characters shows promise.
He's the only one that feels alive atm, with his self reflection, thoughts about his choices and views.
Haven't had much time of their own, the 2 knight girls had their pov with leon in the spring and the get together with elise and leon watching tournament, but not enough to get a full picture of their being, if you know what i mean. a few of the school tier 3's got some decent time but they are minor characters.
The noble that has his bank account locked:
The guy who got cut off from the bank is still clueless about the why, that would be the first thing I'd want to know if the bank cut me off, I'd at least investigate, except hes ok with not knowing and trying to make money other ways.
i might keep reading to see if it gets better, mainly because i dont like to leave things unfinished and its by far not the worst RR has to offer.
While the setting is pretty interesting and has potential, you'l need to have a stong stomach to swallow all the nausiating 'bla bla bla' that plagues typical xiaxia.
Theres to much random information being given instaid of story and plot, while the scenery disciptions can be waved off as world building, the excessive background story of every random person cannot. tell a story don't list a ledger.
Theres quite a few grammar/spelling mistakes aswell, they need editting.
othe then the points above its actually quite decent so far, hence my generous score.
At first this story was very interesting, the reincarnation, the journey with the adventurers, magic acadamy, quite a normal enjoyable story with decently fleshed out plot points.Then came the overly abundant sexual content that gets dragged on and on and on like "we a porno now mkay fuck story, fuck indeed" at this point theres more wordcount in sexual content than actual story.
i'm fine with sexual content at times, its part of life so obviously part of a well streamlined story, except in this case its more like sexual content with a little story added. it gets boring as hell after the first 3-4 times. its not story just lazy writing waving it off as wordcount filler.
The story itself is actually really interesting and the fights get exciting, author is also not afraid to kill off characters, big plus for me. which almost makes it seem like the story itself is writen by an author with a well planned plotline and good imagination in mind, while all the sexual content is writen by a different author with a giant dryspell.
the 2nd arc/story (hawaii land) is boring as hell, i dropped it after a few chapters of that.you can do better, comon.
i'm leaving the story now that i read through all available (31ch), the story doesn't manage to get me hooked, alot of it is a games combatlog and the mc is a little to much center of the universe(s).
the story side of this story is lacking, the captain and pat don't question finn about his time among pacekeepers getting a valuable human pov about would-be-allies, we see nor hear of interactions from the population toward the strange blue alien, no stoll through the compound to see how the population's daily lives are like, etc.
its a interaction log, e.g its feels like this: 13 apr 2018 11:45, asked pat about friends and family | 13 apr 2018 15:20, pat returns with a titbit of info | 13 apr 2018 19:30, man send by pat tells titbit of info. etc.
we basicly jump from scene to scene in order to continue the skill-log, e.g.
minor-interaction (20 words or less) > scenery change (20 words or less) > skill-log info dump (remaining chapter) > minor-interaction (20 words or less) > scenery change (20 words or less) > skill-log info dump (remaining chapter) AKA (meeting captain > move inside tiny room > skills and stuff > tiller comes > move to tiller office > skill and stuff)
the story elements that we do get seem to rate humanity way to high in the grand scheme.
its quite easy to imagine this system as a huge and complex structure, countless levels, paths, combination, deviations etc. yet its writen a little shortsighted, if you can imagine that then you should be able to imagine that any aspect of humanity is nowhere near top of the totempole. so howcome anything that is far above humanity has any interest in a microbe called finn.
his 'skipped tutorial' gimmick is flawed as said before, the system is huge and has power beyond imaginable for humans, yet the system overlooked a lifeform that started inside a dungeon, yes but you missed the part where the dungeon is a quarintine zone bla bla, yet the system functions inside of it, can give skills and info(analyze) to finn while hes inside? but couldn't give the tutorial somehow?
also a spider-monster of level 24, the product of millions of year of evolution, who lives and dies by its skill in venom-spray, is unable to kill a lvl 1 human with countless of venom sprays, yet said human learns the skill and facemelt monsters before lvl 6 relatively easy with single use.
the mc is pretty bland, his previous life sounded pretty interesting with his background story, but once he dies he just becomes a bland guy that gets everything handed to him with minor effort. side characters are frozen in time till the mc is in the spotlight or requires them to talk to advance the story (an example below), the dialog between mother and father in the beginning was realistic lighthearted but later only are there for the mc to make choices or be given tasks.
quite a few mistakes and typo's but can mostly read on.
some mistakes and odd logic.
which made me want to stop reading since i figure it will go on like this, pure wish fulfilment, easy get everything mc, the "i will just write some random mumbo jumbo logic that gives MC x and y without thinking it through" kinda thing.
you could see the obvious setups from a mile away, like when the mc is discovered having a 'talent' for mana/magic which is appearantly rare mayb even super rare as explained below, yet the side characters dont even blink an eye at it, just so it can be used later as some kind of powerboost/mechanic/excuse to explain something awesome the mc will do/have/get later.
(CH7-12): yup the outside world revolves and scales around the mc. he can kill over a hundred goblins without being noticed as a lvl 3-19, a more powerful enemy gets easily killed by the mc, the goblin boss lets him live, mc kills boss when he "recoveres a bit" from his sword through his chest, he gets shot after a 2nd powerful enemy appears but still easily kills him
>lets sum it up... sword through chest... shot through thigh... broken thigh bone... (remember he is 12 and basicly noob level)
still carries a girl on his back, is able to move around for hours, all these wounds are never mentioned again when they reach the village. no need to know anything about mysterious girl don't ask any questions bcus 'she might not want to talk about it', 24/7 sexy time thoughts instaid.
Ranting+Examples of the weird logic/mumbo jumbo/mistakes i talked about:
very first chapter, the mc's name is spelled wrong... shows how much thought was really put into it.
the mc is spirit/soul after a gruesome death, but all he can do is flirt/hit-on an angel that is there to guide him to the afterlife/nextlife, sure makes sense to do that in these situations... right harem tag i forgot.. nevermind move on.
angel says "second I can also give you an ability that will help you make your own skills but the requirements are to have brain with high functioning which you already have and experience."
> why does he need to know a requirement he already has and therefor had no need knowing it. its only mentioned so the readers will know the mc is high functioning, so it can be an excuse for some BS later ofc...
>> haha called it, author commented to a reader CH7 "He is obviously and intelligent guy and remembers almost everything. Lets go a few chapters back when we were told how he has an awesome brain."
author note says: "Btw i researched and found out that babies can't see shit and only recognize their mother because of her voice. So keeping that in mind I defined the surroundings as vague. Keeping it real I guess."
> newborn baby dialog: "She has long silver hair, black shiny eyes and an oval face. It seems like my mom is a beauty." in the same chapter as that author note...
MC: “Can you tell me about the other races?”
Angel: "Other than humans there are elves, vampires, beast man, fairies, trolls, goblins and other demonic beasts. You will also find other species or variants but they are not in enough quantity to be stated as a race.”
> its the other way around, species>race
"The ability you have described is only found in the families of those with royal blood who keep their bloodline pure and perfect."
> if thats true why aren't they more shocked about their son showing this talent/ability if its so seemingly rare its bred among royals
"It is unusual or you might say it’s rare to have a skill at this age but this means you are a genius."
> being born with a "talent" doesn't make somone a genius by default, you said it had to do with bloodlines so its a born talent, nothing genius about that.
> also they hired a random maid 6 years ago and never bothered to learna bout her? and the father a GUARD CAPTAIN doesn't do background check? okay then.
> while the maid goes to grab a potion from somewhere, the parents dont talk at all during that time? like they're just cartboard sidechars only there to serve the MC.
and just freeze in time till the mc needs them to talk.
> his mana seeing ability/talent is so rare that royals covet it, lets make the kid a swordsman instaid... brilliant logic by the father
> 'preparing for harsh future' yet no foreshadowing at all and even the angel said it isn't that dangerous of a world.
> 'must keep everything secret, cant tell anything to my family' 'will they kick me out?' because no reason at all, seemingly normal caring family.
> sarcasm: the village has guards because the monsters near the vollage can be beaten by level 0 kids, the guards are clearly not there for the protection against monsters, but tantrum kid bandits that are vicous and know to stalk the area, either that or the monsters are only there for the mc.
> mc first time hunting, sees goblins first time, discovers goblins showing human like behaviour which is obviously a strange thing for goblins to do and must be reported to the guard captain, since he has soooo much knowledge on normal goblin behaviour.
> fresh level 0-3~ people can easily slaughter armored goblins by the dozen, wonder how weak non armored goblins are (negative level?), nah monsters scale to fit mc.
Lowered score (read Edit(spoiler))
The story has a nice pace. thats a big plus for me as i dislike anything dragged on too long.
The MC advances smoothly and the system is well explained, for me best of all is that its mostly explained through character/family interaction, the MC doesn't magically find out stuff offscreen.
The mother and father are very likeable and their interactions are funny, their seperate POV's are great and do not take away the flow.
The MC is pretty much down to earth in terms of OP-ness (if that makes sense?) so far he is not OP in the true meaning of the word but has certain advantages because of his previous knowledge.
(possible spoiler warning:)
The thing i don't really get about the OP is his view of his parents, sure he had a messed up life previously, but he only really starts showing mistrust in his later years (5-8) for no reason at all, his parents have been nothing but good to him in his lifespan from (0-5) for him to start doubting them now this late is just odd.
Its a little rough in some places and exceptionally good in others, its a bit odd haha but clearly the author keeps improving.
As of chapter 30-33 the author 180's the mc' background story making him a villain in his past rather then the before mentioned victim persona just too make him 'dark' and justify his ruthless actions.
~half of a full score for half of a decent story~
Its a pretty decent story until somewhere midway when its start trying too hard to be funny, but instaid becomes childish and chaotic.
The story starts making less sense and becomes more of a comedy sketch with no plot, and the humor isn't even that great and just starts to be an annoying mess.
Somewhere midway he proclaims the need to start seriously teaching his disciples but instaid it turns childish instaid and his 'teaching' becomes a library-jade with all the answers of life the disciples need.
The MC was great in the beginning, with a semi serious mindset trying to find something to do in his new life, takes on disciples and starts teaching them about his power and energy use.
The disciples, a well varied bunch of youngsters with a mutlitude of personalities and backgrounds, some of which get a little bit of story time explaining their background but is mostly glossed over.
The love interest, she was interesting at the start but then turned into a clone of the MC with a slightly different personality.
Like most stories, theres a few mistakes no big deal you can auto-read over it mostly.
The story starts off really good, multiple interesting personalities and interaction, but then the MC turns into a bland super genius inventor while being an ignorant dumbass with a politics sidedish.
Story starts good, interactions, events and overall flow really tell of a interesting transported mc story, but once the MC leaves the first village and fort it all turns bland and chaotic.
The mc turns into a genius inventor that can appearantly do anything he puts his mind into while failing to realise obvious things, to many 'game changing' inventions at once with too far reaching idea's, the monopoly system thats currently in place will obviously lash out, change comes slowly you cant force it and the way he tried to much at once is just stupid.
it turns bland really quick after the first village and fort, turning into a lets invent something of the day and political mumbo jumbo. inventions don't even really get any immidiate real world use, its more like he hops from each half finished project to the next.
also the magic... theres no way a world of magic thats at constant conflict with either races or monsters wouldn't have an arms race, yet their magic is stagnant and underdeveloped, but ofc our the mc will propel the applications of magic and research just by thinking for 2minutes.
magic is just there to fill in the knowledge gap, anything he doesn't know gets solved with magic the mc comes up with.
People are too easily convinced about (what would be from their pov) wild syfy imagination fairytales of unimaginable new things.
The fuka are tossed aside to be relegated to boring side stories that make no sense, the lead fuka sidechar(a naive little girl turned magical batman) is basicly running a rebellion without anyone (the mc) telling her its a bad idea and needs to be done gradually.
its really good, typo's and whatnot but who doesn't make those.
poc changes to the 2ndary mc 'the hero' are annoying, overall the style is decent.
~Don't judge a book by its cover~ or in my case "don't judge a book by its name"
The name 'Paladin' turned me off for such a long time, we all know what the stereotype righteous paladin is about and such 'good is good, evil is evil' people make my skin crawl, so i thought this story would be about such a person. i was wrong, very wrong.
Paladin is not a person in this story but a combat suit designed to shield humanity.
One boring afternoon i figured, 'meh why not give it a go', and im so glad i did, so very very glad.
Good formatting and pov's are clear, the flow makes sense and the inner monologue isn't a tedious repeat of actual conversation.
Can't say i noticed any at all. parhaps some typo's here and there but not distracting.
The setting is great, i especially love the realism of factions/clans/communities and the chaos of the relationships between those communities, the world as we knew it is gone, the cause is still there, yet new threats emerge from within our own kind.
Do we work together to defend our species against the primary threat, or do we only try to survive within our own communities, or do we... what can we do really.
Seems there are multiple plot lines/stories going on that has me wondering, longing even, about whats going to happen next.
The mc is likable and doesn't get things just handed to him, he works, he suffers, he's human.
The ai is interesting and not just there as a conversation partner for the mc.
Great background story telling, it fits and doesn't come out of nowhere, doesn't have to much 'bla bla' info we don't need.
I'm looking forward to each new chapter release, i would definitely recommend this.