WC's Mutual Reviews: Read uptil Chapter 5.
Overall: The premise itself is a somewhat typical 'life becomes a murder game' on the lines of Mirai Nikki, but the interesting part - at least for me - was the phone setting. Being able to see other players, know who's on top, getting points just for surviving etc. All of this was very interesting! However, the similarities to Mirai Nikki are slightly troubling, especially considering the absence of something to rival Yuno Gasai's character, thereby robbing the story of a hook. Essentially, the detective side character, the phone based death game, the finding people involved, it did seem like future dairy, a bit. However, I feel this is probably because the author didn't go far enough in fleshing out the story after the premise. Having found an interesting premise, you should continue to think of ways to make it stand out as a unique story, rather than relying completely on the premise to pull you through!
Style: There were signs of advanced storytelling techniques and interesting sentence structures, but on the whole, this may have been the weakest part of the story, but that's fine, it's the author's first time! The Japanese influence seemed somewhat tokenized, a situation that may have been averted had the author described the setting in more detail. If you just said it was Japan and then didn't emphasize the 'Japan'ness, you would have probably gotten a better effect, mostly because Japan isn't actually that weird. I commend the author for experimenting with bold and italicized paragraphs/chapters, but I think this particular experiment wasn't very well executed. Using them less often tends to preserve their impact.
Story: The premise is golden and it is still yet to be built up on. After all, we're only 6-7 chapters in. The characterization so far has been rushed so I don't feel a particular attachment to the main character yet. The cliches - although cleverly lampshaded at times- are still cliches. You don't need to touch people inappropriately after crashing into them, most people wouldn't do it and writing it outside of extreme comedy stories is usually weird.
Grammar: A lot better than a lot of people here. Longer sentences with varying structures were common, and the dialogue tags were, for the most part, accurately done! Still a lot of typos, tense irregularities, a few run ons, and some awkward sentence construction, but still readable enough.
Character: They seem interesting but haven't been developed much yet, and usually, I would wait until there are more chapters up before rating this too strictly, but the fast pace and method of characterization so far suggests you might want to take a serious look at how you're creating your characters. Most of them seem a bit like cliches at the moment. However, I'm confident you'll figure out a way to make them seem unique and round!
Conclusion: The author is improving with every chapter and although this particular piece may not be well polished, I feel like the author can definitely prove me wrong! I'd recommend reading some published books for fun while you continue to hone your writing skills! I also recommend staying away from webnovels, manga, and anime for a little while, or at least being conscious of the cliches and tropes, and how to avoid them. All in all, looking forward to seeing where you go! ^_^
Part of WC's Mutual Reviews. All opinions are impartial. Read uptill Chapter 6.01
Overall: A very well thought out and intricately crafted high fantasy story with lots of memorable characters, good grammar and vocab, and an interesting storyline. I really enjoyed the immersive nature of the story, although I don't particularly enjoy high fantasy, and felt like the details were introduced slowly, with very little direct exposition. The descriptions were fairly vivid, although unnecessary at certain points, and the author might need to tweak the way their story flows because it does become hard to follow, attachments to characters do get nulled by constant deaths and dream sequences, and action seems lose their momentum because of flashbacks, unrelated descriptions, and other stylistic choices. The narrative is dense, as expected of high fantasy, but could use some trimming to clean that up a little.
Style 4/5 This, I felt, was the strangest part of the story. The descriptions and vocab the author made use of was great, it crafted images that were immersive, and really made the story shine. Yet, the PoV shifts, flashbacks, and other breaks in narration were, I felt, somewhat poorly executed. These things are very powerful tools that can make a story even better and add layers of narration that propel the story to greater heights, but not when they are inserted into places where they suck the impact out of the scene and don't have the time to be effective themselves. Some of these were done very well, such as after characters died etc because they carried weight, and served as mini denouements of sorts. However, putting them inside fight scenes is a bit much.
Story: 4/5 The plot itself is very detailed, rich, and full of tons and tons of different players, situations, influences, gods etc. The whole world is so rich and well defined, its just great overall. However, the story feels a little aimless at times. The author pushes this problem away through short character driven arcs, but the overall objective of the story isn't particularly clear. As such, although I found myself wondering what the MC will be doing next or how he will get out of whatever predicament he was in, I rarely wondered about what would happen afterwards, or how the story would unfold in the long run.
Grammar: Not perfect, with some typos. But way better than anything else on RRL. Plus, great vocab and use of varying sentence structures. 5/5
Character: The part that really shone for me. The characters were well defined, easy to relate to, and I actually cared about what happened to them, despite the fact that no one seems to die for real in the story (which could be a complaint I guess? But it did make a few scenes particularly memorable.) Asbjorne (sorry i can't make the accents on my keyboard) was my favorite character, and that scene in the dust was very impactful, imo.
Overall: 4.75/5 High fantasy is incredibly difficult to master, and requires a lot of investment on the author AND reader's part. However, baron has done a very good job at making the world immersive, the characters round and likeable, and the author's vocabulary and experimentation with different storytelling techniques - although confusing and not perfectly implemented in parts - is something worth appreciating in a landscape littered with stories that reiterate the same, tired old formula.
If you read this, I recommend enjoying it slowly and sticking through the first few chapters until you begin to feel like you're a part of the world. Trust me, it's worth it.
Part of WC's Mutual Reviews. The opinions presented here are completely impartial. Read up to chapter 3.
Overall: I liked the clear plot and storyline, it knew where it was going and even when it detoured, it would come back. The characters so far have been well developed and distinct, and the prologue is just confusing enough to leave me asking questions and wanting to read more to find out what's happening. The Death characters that have been suggested so far, are very intriguing, and Selv's own actions and past are also full of mystery and leave room for suspense.
Style: The style of the story improved incredibly in the latter chapters, so I can only assume the author will get even better as time goes on. The shifting perspectives might need to be demarcated more clearly, but other than that, I liked the use of dialogue to progress the plot and skip exposition. Some people might claim there's a lack of description, but there isn't. Description of important things is present, unrelated things do not need to be described. However, the tense errors that I had to put in the grammar section did break the flow of the story for me and it'd be nice if the author fixed that up. Also, you really don't need to use stuff like 'fufun,' if you're going for a serious story.
Story: Intriguing. It has elements of dystopian fantasy, some classic humanity's last stand kinda setting like attack on titan etc. The main character has a hidden past, which is great, gives us something to think about while reading. The other characters have a past and motivation too, which is also awesome. So yeah, story's great!
Grammar: This department needs a little work. There were typos, mistakes with dialogue tags, and a lot of incorrect tenses. Tense disagreements seemed to be the author's biggest mistake, but i feel a little PR work with another person or through an online service should fix most of it up. However, it's still readable for anyone who is used to RRl so if you can read most of the stories on this site, you'll be fine with this one too!
Character: These were well crafted, although it's only been a few chapters (but they're long so it's fine) The main character has a personality, a secret motivation, a public motivation, and a ton of other stuff. The girl who seems to be preparing to be his sidekick is also being developed well, with good characterization and a setup of motivation and goals that may or may not conflict with the main character's motives, depending on how the story develops.
Conclusion: A fine story with a gripping plot and good characters, that could use a little PR. Read this if you want a nice dose of somewhat OP mc with a good story, likeable characters, and an actual plot where you can sense an end goal of sorts.
Nice cover, good premise. Could use some character development, but nice twist so far. Also its been like, 3 chapters so imma let lack of character dev slide this time.
Only a tentative review, i'll update when there's a lot more chappies up. Also, wow, love works in mysterious ways, huh.
Fun story about a guy, a lady, a weird stalker person, and a chair. Very important, please focus on chair. Also, -55 points for no cats.
Seriously though, very introspective, feels more like the author is trying to do something new and exciting, and I appreciate that immenseley. I'll update in the future once there are more chapters and the conflict is clearer.
<WC's Mutual Reviews: Read uptill Chapter 13. All opinions are independent of the swap.>
Overall: A beautifully narrated, well thought out, well written work that could definitely be published eventually. Grammar is near perfect by RRl standards, barring the occasional hiccup, and the style is fresh, immersive, and deep. The end goal is clear and concrete, and the story never lacks direction. I found myself eagerly anticipating the next development in the story, and hope the author will continue writing!
Style: 4/5 It was very deep and immersive, with lots of complex and compound sentences thrown around to enrich the narration. My only gripe is that the author didn't seem as confident about their abilities as they should have been. A lot of exposition could have been weaved into the story at later points (and indeed, it was weaved into the story at points, even to the point of being repeated) and the author would sometimes explain things explicitly after already implying them. However, this is LEAGUES above most people on RRl and is easily remedied with a little effort on their part.
Story: 5/5 Well constructed, with a clear end point and motivation for both major characters. The twists so far were wonderfully handled, and the plot is moving at a good - gradually increasing - pace, which is perfect for a story like this.
Grammar: 4.75/5 The only major recurring errors I found was the use of 'women' instead of 'woman' and over extending complex/compound sentences (though this was fixed in the final few chapters or so) Honestly, this is probably nitpicking for RRl, and most readers will not notice any irregularities at all (well, they might notice, but no one will care)
Character: 5/5 Really shines through. The main character is internally consistant, her conflict is rightly the conflict of the story (a basic component of storytelling that a lot of people get wrong) and her relationship with the secondary character is well developed, well thought out, and multi faceted. They both felt real to me, and although the main character is overpowered to the extreme, it doesn't feel like a cliche because of her personality and the narration of the story. I would recommend staying away from anime/manga/LN style cliches like random question marks, strings of upper case letters, and rhetorical questions asked of themselves for no discernable purpose. Not that it's wrong to go for that, but this doesn't seem to be the kind of story where that blends well. The tone's a bit too heavy for that.
Conclusion: A very very well written story. The author has an extensive vocabulary, a solid understanding of both language and storytelling, and does not hesitate to show them off. Aside from the few minor complaints and suggestions I dropped here and in the comments, it's a nearly perfect story that has gripped me enough for me to read it intently, and immersed me immediately into the world the author has constructed with a lot of painstaking thought, heart, and effort. Read it if you like well written fantasy stories with a good, solid story that'll keep you hooked!
Rated, reviewed, favorited, and WC approved! ^_^
One of the greatest quotes about art, that art makes a stone, stoney, is brought to life in this marvellous masterpiece. Art majors everywhere take note, this could very well be your next assignment.
Since I've lost the battle to get RRl to incentivize better reviews, might as well drop a simple one to show my defeat. Scribble is doing a great service to the site by keeping writers and readers actively engaged and I hope they stay strong and do their best!
Also, didn't you change your name to Pendragon? .-.
Not perfect (could use a PR/editor) but close enough. Worldbuilding is done well, story is promising. Gave you five stars for now but will be back with a longer review after you have more chappies up. Good luck! #risingstar #WCapproved ^_^
Pros: Super long chaps. Great worldbuilding and - get this - legit perfect grammar. I mean, not the "oh it's great by this site's standards" kinda grammar but legit, professional quality grammar. The style flows well, if a little purple-y. The story is interesting, though it relies more on the amazing world building than on character development.
Cons: Kinda slow but worth it for the immersion. Author needs to add more tags. Characters could use some more depth and distinguising features.
Will change this to a longer advanced review once more chapters are out (even though it's already 200 pages long lol. It's slow k?) Good luck to the author! WC Approved ^-^