Maybe I was too hopefull when I saw the word "elemental" in the title but...
What I wanted was a story about a living pile of metal travelling the world and getting into all sorts of interesting situations.
Instead, what I got was just another DUNGEON story in the making. Pfft.
Anyways, here's the review as of right now~ (2chapters in so DO TAKE THIS WITH A GRAIN OF SALT) --> I may modify the review depending on how this goes as the story has managed to catch my interest somewhat, at least.
Now then: S P O I L E R S A H E A D
Style --> nonexistent.
Grammar --> I can't say I've found any glaring grammatical mistakes but I simply must deduct a star for that prologue.
Story --> just another Dungeon story with a semi-interesting twist to it. That is to say, the MC (or one of them) is a being of metal instead of the usual slime/skeleton. It might become worth a read, it might not.
Characters --> One thing that struck me with this fiction even as it only has 2 chapters so far is how... alive?, the characters are. So good on you author! This is the reason why I'm going to continue to read this despite being overfed on dungeon stories.
Why change the title? Because the "THE" in it makes it seems less than it actually is and the overuse of "THE" within the story itself makes it harder to read. (Or rather, more annoying to read would be the better way to put it here).
I don't really know what to say here but I guess you expected something like this might happen?
Oh whatever, the story isn't bad and theres only three chapters out so far!
(UPDATING THE STORY ONCE PER DAY IS BAD FOR BOTH YOU AND THE STORY. You will drain your inspiration too quickly!
I recommend having a pause of at least three days inbetween chapters).
OVERALL: I'll give it a 3.5. Harsh? Yes. Here's why: grammar and style. Or rather, the lack thereoff!
It all gets better by chapter 3 though, so that means we are on the right track. My complains are as goes-
1. USE CAPITAL LETTERS PLEASE (my inner grammar Nazi screamed for every sentence I've read and thats saying something).
2. WHEN YOU HAVE A SENTENCE DURING WHICH THE CHARACTER PAUSES FOR DRAMA WITH THE ALMIGHTY TRIPLE-DOT (and there are a lot of these which is the trademarked sign of a newbie writer) PLEASE FOLLOW THESE INSTRUCTIONS!
"Blah blah blah... (space to separate the dots with the following word) blah... BLAH!"
STYLE: I don't really like this. Mostly because there is NO style. Not even RR's typical style.
This does change though. In fact, it almost seems like chapter 3 was written by an entirely different person? Thats the level of difference between it and the rest of the story.
If this is really just you and your own personal improvement then wow, I applaud you.
Chapters 1 and 2 are utterly disorganized though and the only reason I even read them is because I was interested in what was going on storywise... if I was someone who randomly skips through chapters to see what they look like and then decides if I'm going to read it or not... well, I would probably skip this story if that were the case.
GRAMMAR: Erm. Well...
I think that I covered this rather nicely in the overall part, yeah.
STORY: 4.5 stars.
Because so far, I love the premise and the promise of the story. I dislike one thing and one thing only: THERE ARE TOO MANY GODS.
Why too many, Joyde?
Why is this a problem, Joyde?
Well, perhaps I have no right to be telling you this, but Gods are basically Deus Ex Machina's (aka. very cheap Plot Devices that readers usually dislike, myself included even though I use them on a regular basis).
I would strongly recommend that you quit using Gods to explain things as "IT HAPPENED BECAUSE GOD!" isn't really what a reader wants to see happen all too often. Its perfectly fine to use this in a dramatic sense but remember that while you know the full extent of your story and just how dramatic something is, your public does not.
CHARACTER: The MC seems... sudden, though I suppose all MC's kind of are. Yours is just... noticably more so.
Oh well, nothing to do about this now, just make sure that you flesh them out some more before we get into the main meat of the story, so to say (maybe use one of those Deus Ex Machina's to give them some more supernatural dreams of their past as events in reality remind them of those very past events).
And thats it for this review! I hope you got what you wanted... sorry if I seem a bit harsh but its for your own good! :D (thats what my parents used to say to me so I'm wondering if it actually works! All it did to me was make me infuriated and if it works the same here then meh, RAGE IS GOOD FOR THE SOUL and all that jazz).
Anyways, your story has potential. Potential enough to reach for the top, should you play this out well enough.
So please, do give it your best shot!
Lord Joyde OUT!
P.S I was really surprised that you took the initiative and asked me to review your story so I sincerely hope that I didn't dissapoint. :)
Can't and won't give an actual review since its only one chapter as of now.
But I do love meself some good ol' fashioned humor. So here's a 5 star "review" for moral support.
I very much enjoyed the first chapter. I am somewhat concerned about the "busty lolis" mentioned in the summary but I am willing to give this a go anyways.
---> I'll warn you here and now: all I got from chapter one is that the MC is heavily inspired by Grandpa Rick from RnM.
1. Its a cultivation fic and I think that 90% of us here are pretty sick of these.
--> HOWEVER: the fic is not the typical academy setting where the MC is either the top student or the taunted backside of the entire plotline who suddenly or over time becomes insanely powerful.
I like this.
2. The fic has a whole bunch of Blue Screens. The author seems insanely adamant on using them. I don't like this.
--> HOWEVER: As an author who has outright given up on making more complicated screens, I can certainly appreciate the sheer attention to detail and complexity of the major screens as well as the utter simplicity of the regular screens.
3. The story prologue seems incredibly unnecessary. The story summary perfectly explains pretty much everything before the actual chapter one. It is absolutely fine to skip the prologue and just get straight to the story. You won't miss a thing.
No howevers for this one.
4. The story has no HAREM, which is an immediate plus in any cultivation story.
--> HOWEVER: I honestly cant really define which of the girls is supposed to be the "main love interest" as there are two potential female characters in the story that can fit that category. Well... there are actually three but I don't think that a sentient campfire w-ok thats spoiler territory.
There is one big-sister-but-not-really character (kinda) and one ... "devoted to and a lost cause without" character (I don't appreciate these types very much).
5. This one is personal and I recommend that you do not take it very seriously: I foresee no sex scenes. There is not a great chance that this story will contain any sort of explicit lemony goodness. D;
Anyways, that was i -oh and the story is alright grammar-wise, but that may be just because its written in a VERY SIMPLIFIED style-t for this review.
Lord Joyde OUT.
"A VIRUS life for me"
Virus is wrong.
"A VIRAL life for me."
This is the correct version. Unless the title is meant to be a pun in a bun, then I'm just a jackass. :D
Eitherway, good story.
And here I thought I had an ego...
Style- nothing new, nothing bad, nothing worth more than 3 stars.
Story- uhh... its actually a decent read, but the Author's ego, even if most of the AU's are meant as an obvious joke, is just horribly disgusting.. maybe disgusting isn't the proper word to use here but I think you get the point.
Grammar- Didn't really find any big mistakes which made me want to stop reading or awakened my inner grammar nazi. That said, there are a few minor mistakes here and there.
Character- Heavily inspired by Garrosh Hellscream.
I fucking hate Garrosh Hellscream. 1 star it is.
Otherwise, non-WoW players might find him... okay.
Well now, I suppose I should start by compiling what I told you in the comments.
1. In the prologue, you gave us a massive Info Dump. You did not continue to do this, so good on you! You also decidedly began telling the story mainly through character interactions, though some information is still given in other ways, which is also good since it offers a kind of balance between the two. I have to remember that the point of this story is not the same kind of Chaos that I usually prefer, so this works rather well in your case.
2. Belay the Deus Ex Machinas... I myself am very much guilty of abusing this so I don't know if I can even tell the author this, but please try not to make too many sudden appearances/changes within the story. Take it slow, make things at least seem reasonable.
3. You've found your own word count to be 2000 words per chapter, which is pretty good. Nothing much to say here.
4. Unless you plan on making this story last very very long, like I am doing with EUPHORIA, there is no real need to extend the amount of chapters to depict a certain... event.
5. I like video games. You like video games? I like you! :)
6. Rambling is healthy for your mind as a writer of any kind. It helps one explore the limits of their own imagination. Even if you type stuff down only to decide that the readers don't need to see it and delete it before posting a chapter, it can still help you flesh out whatever you do decide to post. Never forget this.
7. FOR SCIENCE! xD
8. Up to twelve days between chapters is my own design. You should find your own, but I hope my advice helps you in this endeavour.
Now then, for the review...
Overall Score = 4.5 because the mistakes/problems with this story are very, very minor.
Style = Not too sure what happened between one half of the story and the next, but the styles changed and it caused some disorientation for me personally. Though, I must say that the second style seems much nicer. I would advise you to rewrite the first few chapters using the same style as the second half of the story currently available.
Grammar = I didn't find any mistakes, no problems with the tenses, no strange povs (like there are in my stories). So 5/5 it is!
Story = 4.5 mainly because of the needless elongation for the story prologue. Otherwise, I have no complaints.
Characters = 3... this may seem a little harsh, but the characters in the story seem... sudden, though decently fleshed out. I suppose this is because the story has only just begun. Later on, things are bound to get a lot better!
All in all; you just need more chapters and a more directed plotline. (We have a goal -Is he the prophesied Herald? Will he put the world to the torch or will safeguard the future of life after the fated fall?-, but no revealed path to follow as of yet. This isn't a problem, as it will be adressed naturally as the story progresses, just figured I should mention this.)
The story can be summed up in literally one word, something that has been used by the author before. "Casual"
Its nothing new, nothing great either.
But I must say that I sincerely respect the author for that front page. We authors should not be slaves to the readers, period.
I was sent here by one of my own readers who told me this story fits a criteria alike to my own when it comes to Sheer Insanity.
I was skeptical at first, but I've been proven wrong! :D
And now, ahem, let's give it a stellar review!
Style - Dances around the first and third person, making me think of it being narrated by Morgan Freeman for whatever reason. Which is a good thing, yeah!
Grammar - I didn't find a single mistake. No improper word usage, no spelling errors, nothing. All stars!
Story - While I would've loved it more if the author decided not to place that last "Blue Screen" of the very first chapter in order to further confuse the reader and eventually result in joyous realizations, the story has surpassed my expectations in every other way possible!
Character - I iz riturd box wit teeth. Ah, I klld sumtingz, I can speak now.
(I think the character is awesome :D)
Style - Its normal. Nothing new or old or bad or good, just typical RR style. I suppose that too has its benefits as some prefer this type of writing. I personally do not but meh... although, I don't know why the author does not use the Blue Screens.. maybe he/she does not know about them?
Story - The story is almost perfectly written, lots of detail and believable interactions between the MC and others considering the situation he's been placed in. One thing that caught my attention is how abruptly he's been forced to move to the secondary location within this story, but I suppose the Author got bored of his starting location and just wanted to get rid of it no questions asked, which is fine.
Grammar - Just about perfect. There don't seem to be any real mistakes spelling-wise and wherever there is an incorrect Tense it seems to be because the wording fits the situation more than its normal version would.
Character - ... I don't really know how to describe the MC as a person. I guess he's some form of Gamer/Playboy/Secretly an Asshole/Trying to be Good kind of person. I really don't understand him much. That said, he is rather well written, so I'll give the author that. If there's one thing I didn't like about the Character only came around in the last chapter when he decided to be a Gentleman instead of giving in to his desires and getting intimate with a companion that REALLY NEEDED it. Its like the author has been pushing themselves into writing a sex-scene for the last couple chapters but decided against it at the last second.
What also struck me was how he, as a person, was able to kill without any form of remorse or pity. I guess that's a part of the story the author will build on later? Because the "I'll kill it if its hostile" type of approach just seems rather half-assed to me, sorry.
Overall - The novel is pretty damn good for a quick read! It does however, seem to copy-paste quite a bit of plot and direction from other novels so its nothing exactly new. But! It is written in such a way that it easily holds together and keeps the reader interested for the duration, so that's a plus. I rate this story 4/5!
P.S - Sorry if this review isn't completely comprehend-able, my title is there for a reason, after all. :D