LethalDogFart

LethalDogFart

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Game On

Seems interesting, but the style is jarring for me

It seems a decent story line, but I can't get over the excessive use of adjectives and excessive use of words to tell not so much. I simply can't get past the 4th chapter after I got extremely annoyed. I tried it two more times, but I just feel it could be a lot more. 

 

Style: Get rid of all the flavor words, unnecessary adjectives and it would be a lot easier.


In example:

"His voice was a low, almost menacing growl, and he seemed to be slightly out of breath."

Please trust the reader a bit more. He seemed to be? He's right in front of Becca right? 
Slightly out of breath? Almost menacing? So then what was it?


They style is creating more questions for me than actually showing me what it's like.


Grammar: The first chapters had some errors, but nothing that I couldn't get past.


Story: Hard to say as I could not get past chapter 4. 

 

Character: Matt seems well done so far. Becca is a little whiner that you made too scared of Matt.. also you seem to have written her as the prime example of a desired female. 

 

 


Legendary Cultivating Dragon Assassin VMMORPG in Another Life and Another World (with Time Travel!)

Ah parody that carries itself on grammar and spelling issues is just bad writing thats funny for people who are below the age of 16.


I feel it's a reference to Alamo the Durid that was legendary in the WOW-scene. 
however, it worked in that article. Here its just a mediocre attempt written by someone who really thought he was funny. I assume it was funnier to write than to read.