Dante Luca Morningstar
Ok so as the title says, the fighting scenes are awesome.
The story too is quite interesting, the history and easy magic system are unique and interesting.
Writing style makes the fighting scenes fluent and enticing, but there are some moments in which it can get a bit too descriptive. Nonetheless it still shows and doesn't tell, and it makes the world and the charters shine a bit more.
Edit: at the later chapters, it becomes way too descriptive, just more and more, reminds me of Re: trailer trash. Simply didn't connect to the writing style, I can't keep reading this.
Characters feel real for the most part. I didn't really find anything wrong with them, I guess I just don't really like the marine kid, but besides that, they feel real, their grief, ambitions and fears are shown and we slowly get more and more connected to them.
It's worth a read, but mostly for its action.
Ok before you read this, just give me a moment to clarify somethings
this guy had clearly read more books than I did. Now, I did read stuf like the king killer chronicles (fav book) and mistborn till the third book, though I didn't really like mystborn, f all ya'll who don't like my own taste.
Now, for the real review.
People can be totally brain dead sometimes and say things like 'wow this is really good!' even though there are tons of info dumps, unrealistic characters, broken plotlines and cetera and cetera.
I'm not saying that this is what happens here ok? The characters are real, for certain. From the parents to the kids, we get a chance to connect with them and see their own thoughts, the grammar is fluent and the world...
Well it's earth in 1998.
The writing style is just dreadful, I couldn't help but skip dozens of paragraphs over paragraphs, I would even dare call them info dumps, simply because there is often utterly irrelevant information that isn't used during the next chapters, or during the entire story. Just needless filler.
Though, as I said, look at the books that the guy reads (you can see them at the end of chapter 44), and at all the chapters this guy had written, he has good reviews and, well, that's gotta mean something.
Just, wait, I'mma give you an example from the story
Alicia’s room had been a mess these past few weeks, because the drafting table that usually went up against the far wall was taking up more space than usual. She’d gotten the thing last Christmas and was incredibly proud of it, because with its slanted surface and adjustable lamp on an arm it made her feel like a serious, professional artist. More recently, when she’d unscrewed the back legs and let it drop down so that the tabletop surface was flat for once, the whole thing needed to be pulled an extra half foot out from where it usually rested. She’d gouged her hip on those treacherous corners in passing more than once before getting used to how much further it stuck out. The table was solid and stable thankfully, and though she’d accidentally bumped into it those several times, the Spirit of Tabitha sitting on top in all its badass glory had never had any unfortunate mishaps.
There are countless paragraphs like this. We are never going to remember this, nor will this info ever show up again.
And while the dialogue is fluent and realistic, there is too much of it? Yeah real people talk like that, but I didn't come for, boring, long, talks about what to wear, what the girls do in school, what the bully did, and yada yada yada
Plus, internal monologues.
Oh god the internal monologues.
They are as long as the very descriptive paragraph, just boring, I skipped soo f'in much.
Yes, fine, realistic, people sometimes drown in their own thoughts, I do it all the time, but there is nothing enticing there, at all, nothing, soulless husk of words upon words of absolute nothing but chore reading. Chunks upon chunks of it.
beside that, I saw a review in here talking about the Taekwondo and parkour. Why was it really needed? Like yeah the MC feels better about herself, only to get the cast on her wrist, and then nothing, absolute nothing more about it. Maybe in the future, but for now, up untill then, there will probably be nothing for it.
The story really peaked at the halloween party and couple chapters after it. Only to kind of go down.
Overhall: I would have given It a lower score, a - 3. But, I believe our community here should understand that writing a lowscored review, isn't helping anyone, for at the end, its just ruins the author's rep, and makes others shy away from his story, and as a result, the author can't progress in his own writing.
Thats why I gave it a 4.
But the writing style really is dreadful.
In all honesty it's a very nice and simple power fantasy.
The MC is literally god, with the power of creation
There are also nice scenes, if ya know what I mean brothers.
Furthermore, the author is clearly invested in the story, to a certain degree, he made a personal website, did a youtube channel, and this is also the edited version of the older story.
read if you are looking for something nice, casual, and a bit erotic.
I pushed trough the first couple of chapters, and it was simply too much to bear.
Each chapter has at least a dozen colossal paragraphs which are a drag to read.
I will admit that there is some kind of pool and attraction in the story at least in the first couple of chapters. After all it isn't exactly your normal reincarnation story it is a bit different.
but it isn't enough because there's too much information too many details.
I couldn't help but get bored after reading all of those information paragraphs
Edit: on second thought, I have been a bit too harsh on some of my reviews, so i put one more star up, anyway its not an advanced review anyway, still, I myself didn't like it.
It is a nice story, a solid looking world building, kind of basic characters, very basic if not dull MC. With a writing style that left me disconnected from the characters with a loot of time skips.
Writing style: the author really does put a lot of time skips with the ~ symbol, it really didn't fit to my eyes but that’s not the main problem.
The main problem is that it didn't connect between me and the characters. it feels like the author tells us how the characters act and not showing us how they act.
Characters: they are all very cliche, from a spoiled noble son like Draco to a racist teacher bulling the MC like Snape from harry potter. The MC himself is very dull, instead of a 16 year old among 12 year old’s, he feels like a 12 year old himself, he came to the school to help his family, but he has no will or determination to do it.
furthermore, in the later chapters
he just helps street orphans and random strangers he finds even though he may die.
his possible girlfriend also feels very dull, yes, he saved her from thugs, but what more? besides that what more connects them, almost nothing but him being nice and showing magic tricks, like lifting water droplets.
Story: not bad, the world building looks solid, the author did change the names of the days making it a bit annoying.
he created an easy magic system without a lot of explanation, besides controlling magic with emotions and focus. It's not bad, it simply how it is, that why I called it am easy magic system and not a hard one.
All and all pretty basic
Edit: Changed the score from 3 to 4, all and all I read up to chapter 42, even though there were moments in which the characters didn't act realisticly, it wasn't all that bad.
Before you read this, I must say that this story is really well written, highly recommend.
The MC's past is slowly revealed to us, and we get to connect with him, but I most admit in the first chapters I could not understand how a horse could blush, the author mmight have fixed it by now.
World building looks solid.
the grammar fine.
but I must admit that I'm noticing a pattern, every time they get into trouble, the MC finds a brilliant idea to handle the situation, all ideas are well explained, and they are not plot armours.
It makes it feel like there is no real threat.
furthermore, they are on the run from an enemy territory meaning an almost constant tension in the story which isn't that good, it can get boring if its always intense.
all and all I really liked it so not bad.
Edit: changed it to 4 stars, it really was a nice story.
Before I write my opinion, I think that everybody should know that the author actually already written the story before, only that he deleted it because it had very bad grammar, even though he said that it had good reviews.
Why would you delete the story, if you just needed to do some editing? You said you had good review didn’t you? So why on earth would you delete them if you just needed to do some editing.
Kinda sus not gonna lie but whatever.
Lets get into the point, the story doesn’t begin with some sort of intense moment that keep the readers interested, yes there is a bit of mystery about the little thirteen child who can somehow threaten older people into submission with only looking, but that’s that, not so interesting.
Furthermore, the author constantly adds more side characters, by chapter three there were already about eight of them. He doesn’t need to say the name of each and everyone of them, but whatever.
He also changes POV to people that we don’t really know of in order to explain what is going on, you can look at it as some sort of an info dump, even though it does not feel like it.
I guess that more will be explained about Lucy, the probable MC of the story, and why she can make a 19-year-old village boy she just met go all the way to a manor of a rich man, only to talk smack to the servant with no fear and then order the rich man to sign a contract that Lucy gave, yet again with no fear. Why did he do all of this? With no fear? Because a thirteen-year-old child told him to do so for some money and threatened him with death. A thirteen-year-old broke whatever sense there was in a village boy and turned him into a loyal servant unafraid of god.
All and all, it looks like the world building is solid, the writing style suffers from the POV changes, and sometimes the author tends to write line on lines of dialogue line, just telling not showing, but he often does show the readers how the characters react and act according to the situations, so he did a nice job on that.
The grammar is of course good.
Basically, a drama about a terrifying 13-year-old douches that is trying to do something against the queen. Even though it feels like a plot armor when the 13-year-old can just make people pop their pants.
here are some further notes I made on the story, I have to admit, I was incredibly stupid a couple of times, please beware of spoilers
Small and tender fingers gripped onto the slim length of a quill as it
attempted to make steady and clear words from shaky letters on a piece of parchment. The fingers and the coach quarrelled long; both stubborn to fulfil their tasks. Light streamed unto the parchment, on the small suitcase, on small laps, from the slightly cracked window blind, letting in a small contrast to the rather dark coach.
- Why is there space between the two paragraphs?
annoyed her and the sun was yet to set on his sins.
- Poetic third person writing style with a lot of semicolons
"What so serious about, darling?" a deep voice asked from the other side of the coach.
The dark figure who had just spoken flinched; as he could feel and almost definitely see, the made-out grey of the little eyes in the dark; as it threw him a glare. The dark figure knew his little lady remained angry; as he had numerously in one day, annoyed her and the sun was yet to set on his sins.
- Did I just lose a part of my IQ? Who’s talking to who?
- It’s a female coach, now I understand, my bad. He said she had small and tender fingers, I didn’t connect the dots in the first seconds of the story.
- I thought he meant a coach like, a trainer, just kill me.
Bro, I don’t know why exactly, but this novel is giving me a headache
"Please, there has been a misunderstanding. We do not have a Lady Wickshire in our accounts; if you would please come with me to meet the headmistress," Mrs Muburg said.
"Have that sorted soon," Lucy said as she continued strolling, her eyes frozen in a deep gaze as it took in the room. Mrs Muburg's person flustered as she immediately turned and rushed back to her superior.
- Who is Mrs muburg’s person? There was no mention of another person being there with them.
“Hello, I’m Jo Jodanham,” a chubby man introduced. Lucy maintained a blank expression as she replied.
- Pfft, jo mama
First chapter has a bit of a mystery, but no intense moments to an extent of grabbing the attention of the reader.
Hi guys, thank you for reading Lucy Wickshire. I seemed to get good reviews on this work before, but many complained about my grammar, so I deleted the book and am reposting it with editing. I hope it is better this time. I hope you enjoy it.
- Wait, you can delete the book? Why would you delete it if you had good reviews? You lost all of the good reviews, you could have just edited all the bad stuff, instead of deleting and then posting an edited version. Like grammar could always be fixed so its not much a problem, unlike writing style and the story.
- Maybe there were just low rated reviews, and you didn’t want to show them, so whatever.
"To that address; give the smaller letter first to no one but the name on that address. Only after he signs it, are you to give him the second. Do only as I have instructed. Retrieve the signed letter from him before you leave. Return this to me this time tomorrow and I will pay."
"Okay," Walter hastily answered from the other side of the window.
"That is all."
"I'll take my leave then."
He wasted no time, mounted his horse and rode out from the school. He had taken a good look at the address and it was far into town, in the opposite direction of his village.
- Pov changes don’t feel unnatural, its most likely because of the third person but still well done.
"My instructions were clear. Only Mr Jodanham may collect this and no one else. It is best you inform him of this. This is not a matter he can overlook," Walter said.
"I am not allowing you dirty thing in here," the man snorted.
"Then I suggest you start searching for another employer. I guarantee you will lose this one if you don't inform him," Walter warned. To this, the lanky man frowned but retreated inside for a while before returning.
- Even though Walter is a village boy, he talks with such smack to a person with a lot more money that live in a big house and has a servant that helps him, kinda hard to believe, but maybe he is dumb? He doesn’t know who Lucy is, only that she is a thirteen-year-old child, so he shouldn’t think that he is above that person, even though she promised him pay in gold and set him on this mission.
- Actually, why would he, a nineteen year old, believe that Lucy, the thirteen-year-old, would pay him in gold?! Because she had some sort of a dominating presence about her? Alright, if that the plot armor so that’s the plot armor, maybe there will be an explanation about some kind of domination magic or magical bloodline, but a thirteen-year-old is still a thirteen-year-old. Like even if she was at the banquet, which automatically gives her somewhat of a nobility status, she is still a child.
"Sign it," Walter said before he could stop himself.
"What makes you think you can forget your place and start giving me advice?" Mr Jodanham said in anger.
- No, I was right, is the boy stupid?
"The letter, it's an order. When she gives you something to sign, it means you must. Why are you still thinking? It's dark and I have to be done with this," Walter said.
- Village boy Walter is going to smack nobles on left and right in the future lol. Wait is he a simp for a child?
He knew he had no place to tell the man what to do but, looking at him hesitate made Walter frown. He had met the lady, and he was sure of one thing; she was not giving the man before him an option, but an order. Mr Jodanham signed below and looked up to find Walter's stretched hand. He returned it to Walter and Walter handed him the second letter.
- “He met the lady”, he met the child probably an hour ago, and now he, a village boy, is willing to piss off a low tier nobleman. Nope, not buying it.
“Lord Stellden, you have always been one incapable of knowing when to fear,” Lord Rhog said in frustration. He feared for his old-time friend. The queen schemes, yes. But this time, she is dead set on making this happen. She has every intention of seizing the kingdom by force if necessary. You hold high regards for death, yet less for fear?”
- Punctuation mark? Where is the beginning?
- Lord Rhog said in frustration. He feared for his old-time friend. The queen schemes, yes. But this time, she is dead set on making this happen. She has every intention of seizing the kingdom by force if necessary. You hold high regards for death, yet less for fear?”
There are a lot of natural feeling POV changes, taking us from place to place, still it looks as if the author is trying to show us what is happening in other parts of the story, however he does it with characters we don’t even know about, kinda bad writing style in my opinion
The king of Juhntt laid on his bed, light in thought, unlike his physician whose bald head and brows were greased with sweat.
- Another POV change, this is just the second chapter, but its already the second time you take us far away to place we don’t know of yet, the flow didn’t really break because there wasn’t something so intense so far to keep the readers interested, so you can say that the POV change is sufferable at best, but it just doesn’t work.
- Also, why hasn’t there been almost any tension from the beginning of the novel? yeah the child has a stern gaze, and there is some mystery from how Lucy acts and from the far away POV changes, but that is not good enough.
“Oh, I’m well aware of what I can or cannot do to my wife. But I’m sure there shall be protests from her supporters. People supposed to support me,”
“Then why pretend that the potion lives within you doing as intended?”
“My dear wife thinking I’m dying will not try to kill me and this is time more than ever to retract myself from her company,”
“She has with her own hands, started a fight she cannot win. It is but her greed alone that drew her to the cleaver's edge,”
“She intends to have total control of the council. Trying to flush the power of Lady Wickshire is her error. But what has this got to do with lying about your health?”
“And right she is. Lady Wickshire has in her command too many in my service and everyone's service. But trying to fight her head-on is her error. This is where I step aside as she falls, pretending to be dying as she intends me to,”
“And Lady Wickshire; will she actually stand against the queen? She seems in every way, aloof of the queen's plans”
- This type of writing style is terrifying, its just dialogue lines, with no description of tone \ facial expressions, the author does show the expressions and tones of the characters often, but this also happens sometimes.
“And Lady Wickshire; will she actually stand against the queen? She seems in every way, aloof of the queen's plans”
“I don’t fancy myself wise in the matters of the lady, my friend. But one ought not to be scared when she does something, but when she does nothing. Given that she rarely does a thing, one ought to wonder what might happen if she does,” the king said, his voice a shade of grave never heard by his friend before.
- Uh-huh? He is talking about the thirteenth-year-old.
“Rumour has it the Mclears are openly trying to drown you,”
“Rumour or they truly are open about their intentions?”
“They think your father is the one they fight, my lady. What do you want to do about them?”
“Oh, let them be for now. Be ready to take from them, though,”
- Dialogue lines.
“I have had a thought. If I owned this institution and I wanted to know what the ladies of heightened positions were up to; what they talked about, what they knew of their families and their businesses,
I'd have a system where I’d receive reports; know when their letters are in, so I can see their contents first. But, you see this plan of mine would be terribly flawed. I would need a key; the maids; those that walked behind the ladies hearing their whispers, knowing exactly when they receive a letter, write one, get anything from home and whisper as secrets,” Lucy paused letting the room soak her words.
- No, why are you putting a space between the two paragraphs, she is still talking.
Shilla felt the back of her dress soak with sweat she could swear before the king, could not possibly be hers. She looked before the young lady. Those grey eyes pierced her deeply as if they saw all, and she knew that if the head maid or headmistress found out that the lady suspected something, she would go missing like others before her. She could not move or breathe, for fear that the lady would see.
- Wonder what kind of eyes a child would need to make someone shit their pants, I just can’t imagine it happening.
as though everything had frozen in place. A knock on the door brought air into the room Shilla did not know was absent. Taylor walked in and curtsied to Lucy.
- A lot of characters in three chapters. Who’s taylor?
“My lady?” she finally said the words she had heard Shilla repeat too many times, a slight frown stealing her face.
Something about the way Shilla said those words when referring to Lady Wickshire bothered her.
- Wouldn’t muttered be a better way to say it? After all she thinks she is alone, and she is just thinking about it with herself. Never mind it is too small to matter.
“Anne, do you know why she is referred to as Lady Wickshire?” Wensworth asked, “Her family title was that of an Earldom till only a few years ago; His Majesty gifts her father Lord Torgenn, the Wickshire fortress; a territory that is accompanied by a dukedom. Her father remains as to this day, Lord Torgenn; maintaining his position as an Earl while his daughter stands, the duchess of Wickshire,”
“She’s daddy’s little pet. Everyone with a brain is well aware of how dotting her father is on matters of her,” the headmistress snorted.
- First of all, the handsome man is called Anne? Okay not judging, though it’s kind of lame.
- Yet again another character, there are at least eight side characters by chapter three.
- Be careful with what you say woman man, that little pet will make you shit your pants when she starts shooting lasers in the next chapter.
- Ah, wait I’m a total idiot, I lost track, the man’s name is Wensworth, and the headmistress is Anne, this is too boring for me to keep track of.
Edit: thinking back, some of my reviews were a bit too harsh. This isn't one of the wrose ones on RR I guess.
First of all, the story made me laugh and I'm still waiting for the next chapters.
I agree with some of the bad reviews, the characters aren't acting realistically, and they don't have that much of a past or substance to them.
Now I might be wrong about the next things, because I don't really remember the earlier chapters word by word. But I don't believe that we got in the beggining any kind of a goal set for the characters, or any real struggles beside Kai F-ing with Gottlieb.
That is not to say that Gottlieb being dumb is a bad thing. Its a part of the comedy, and he does have redeaming qualities, he saved people with the orbital cannon, he could have just went full chunny genocide mode.
Furthermore the people on the planet, we are seeing this from so many perspectives that we don't really get to feel super connected. But I will admit that in the small moments that we are shown their parts, the writing style does help us understand what's going on, and it does help us feel more connected to them.
I guess that the many POV makes the overall progression slow.
But at the end of the day it is a Comedy, and it did it's purpose of making me laugh, so it gets a 5/5 from me, you can dislike it if you want. It has fantasy and action, it is no adventure that people have to progress by leaps and bounds, even though that is kind of a necessity to all stories, if we were to stay like this all the time it would get boring. (Not to mention that there is kind of a progress in here, from Gottlieb kind of developing a goal of making the station fuller with other beings.)
Even though this may not be another masterpieace, it acomplished its purpose.
I swear to god that I saw someone mention BLAME! in one of the reviews, they know what they are talking about.
If you had ever played any type of post-apocalyptic game like Fallout, or Kenshi, or if you had read BLAME! you would understand that bleak feeling that the world gives, combined with the calm moments given by the protected sanctuaries.
So let me start my review from the start.
The world is dead, snow covers the earth while ancient machines craving for blood crawl in the underground. But with all the death that lurks in the light and darkness.
There is hope.
12 Miles Below is a post-apocalyptic beauty.
Let me just cheese through a couple of things.
Grammar is fluent and understandable.
The writing style is written from a first perspective in past tense.
It shows us and doesn't tell us, the fighting scenes were understandable and I felt as if I was watching them. In the end of the day, it made the characters and the story shine more, especially in its bleak times.
The characters were deep and full of substance, but I guess that at the beginning and throughout the story we didn’t really get to see the brother and sister grief that much. At least that’s how I feel when I’m looking back.
Furthermore, I believe that the MC, Keith, didn’t really tend to show his fear when he is in trouble.
Yes I know,
emotional dampening drugs, and plus seeing his clan get slaughtered did make him more angry than afraid. Also making the feather flee, did make him stupidly bold.
But I just feel as if he could have been written a bit more human? And not just a sarcastic boy prodigy?
The same with his sister, though we don’t really get to read her POV all so often. But at the same time she is the older sister and she had to carry the burden a lot longer than Keith, then I can relate to her, hiding her human side behind a political cold mask.
BTW my homeboy
To’Aacar was written masterfully, yes he was just murder robot, programmed to kill, but he had his own fears, and even though we don’t get to see them fully to their end, he still terrorised everyone.
Even though he was kind of created to be a stepping stone, he was one heck of a beautiful and terrible stepping stone.
As for the story.
Stories can be written at a slow pace, as long as they are written well, just like in this case. It wasn’t just character and world explanation and deepening, it also held some wicked and enticing scenarios and scenes. So all ya’ll better stop complaining.
In the end of the day, the story is a beautiful represention of a post-apocalyptic premise, it was well done and written, filled with action mystery and enticing moments.
Anyway, just read this already.
Characters: With the story revolving mostly about Callum, we get to see how people around him act, meaning that for the character department, there isn't a lot going on. Mostly because of the fact that Callum is a paranoid mage, and he doesn't really meet other people.
It isn't bad, the characters still feel real, and the writing style really helps us connect to the other characters, even in the seldom interludes we can connect.
But at the end of the day, we are only truly connected to Callum, it is a prat of the story.
Story: It revolves around the hidden magic society that walks among humans on earth, each magical part of that society has its own substance and mannerisms, which is great.
The same with the magic itself, In Callum's case the magic really turns into a hard magic system (it's a writing term), while with everyone else, we don't really get the detailed explanations so it is kept at the easy magic system zone (it's a writing term).
That is not to say that we need to understand how other's magic works, they are not the MC so we are not focused entirely on them.
I saw people complain about how everyone who is against Callum is dumb, and I don't agree. You have to remember that Callum is so paranoid that he had to get as far away from everyone, and to keep on researching various stuff that people don't really meddle with in the norm.
There are also a few times in which Callum f's up and almost dies, showing that he isn't invincible, he is simply so paranoid, so untouched to the magic society and connected to architecture (he worked at that filed) that he has a fresh point of view over everything, including his own space magic, giving him a bit of an advantage.
He isn't just any magical rogue, he can be categorized as an archmage with his amount of mana.
The GAR is a bureaucratic mess filled with power struggles and corruption, A mage with space abilities who can go to the middle of nowhere in a blink is harder to catch, even for a couple of super old wizards, who by the way, are too arrogant from their long lives, to give a shit.
And people treat him the way they do, which is either friendly, or super unfriendly, is because for as far as they know, he is either a super assassins escapee, some sort of a legendary ghost, or a disguised archmage,
jesus people open your heads a bit.
Writing style: I admit, there is a slight problem with Callums hard magic system, it is too descriptive for me.
I normally tend to just skip whenever he starts to explain what experiment he is doing. It is my own opinion, but I still chose to take half a point. Some people like it when they have information shoved into their head so whatabs.
Besides the explanations, the fighting scenes are fluid, we are shown and not told, it is told from a third perspective of Callum, not omniscient.
Overall, I really enjoy this story, I suggest you read it too.
I guess that people either got tired of the constant paranoid tension or the often description of how Callums magic works, but they really went down on the story. I didn't see any problem with it, nor with the side characters, although they did get a very small screen time.