Chiisutofupuru

Chiisutofupuru

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Reviews
The Forsaken Kingdom

The Yandere Darkling's review of The Forsaken Kingdom

The Forsaken Kingdom is about a war between one kingdom with weath, peace and technology hidden behind a wall, and three other kingdoms with greed and numbers. Told in a story-telling fasion, we first observe kindoms, then a  general, then a princess and finally one last brutal scene of slaughter (kind of reminds me of the battle for Troy, minus the stealing of a princess).

Style: The observation style was well done, aside from occationally mentioning the feelings of an individual or a group (I would have rather kept observing, not getting too close to any individual and learned their emotions from their actions, reactions and expressions).

Characters: The characters were there, they had their roles, but we never learn too much about any specific individual to really care for them~writing feelings from their perspective suggested the author wanted us to (the Naked Commander part REALLY threw me off, tossing something silly into an otherwise serious story).

Story: The story is brutal and to the point. I liked it.

Grammar: I found one mistake, aside from that, it is well written and easy to understand.
(Reviewed March 27th 2017)


Why Do Bad Girls Love Dan?

The Yandere Darkling's Review of: Why Do Bad Girls Love Dan?

Another complete story by: JayDirex entails another journey involving his infamous Rifle Girl characters, and they're always just sooo bad! (-but the end of this story mad me love em more than ever!)

Style/Grammar:
So good! So minimalist! (Just the way I like it, haha). I can tell Jay is having fun with entering POV's instead of staying an omniscient video camera most of the time (like he used to).

Story/Characters:
Everyone has a goal, everyone has a schedule, no one important feels 2D.
Rica is adorable.
Reyna is a villain (whom I now deem my favorite character, because of that last chapter).
Dan is a cute boss-man? (...not sure how that happened.)
Blood is spilled, mercy doesn't exist.
Twas a crazy ride.
There is one thing I would have tweaked, but, I won't mention it :P

Loved the story! I'll be honoured to "proofread" the next one too!


How Do You QA Test a Tsundere Android!?

The Yandere Darkling's Review of: How Do You QA Test a Tsundere Android!?

Up to Test: 42 as of February 15th.

This story is about a kid getting a job in the QA department of an android factory. Sweet, and simple. No catch. Except for maybe a cute laggy lolibot breaking his fragile heart.

 

Characters and Story:
What’s not to love about this MC? His flaws are lovable! His situation realistic! (Even has a normal family!)
Tsun android is simply cute. (Trust me, you’ll want one!)
Side characters: there was one I’d have liked to see again. Definitely expect her to show up if there’s a volume two (book two perhaps?). The rest were mostly just there, but believable and definitely have their own agendas.

 

Grammar and Style (Clumping these together because it was well done):
Grammar was great. I don’t believe I spotted anything wrong.
Telling is at a minimal, passive voice is balanced throughout.
Filter Words are mostly used for our MC’s feelings and actions, which is about the only thing I’d suggest to improve upon.

 

Thank you for the story! -and please notify me if there is any more coming!


Swords of Eres

The Yandere Darkling's Review of Amber Rift...wait, no it's: Swords of Eres

Read up to chapter nineteen as of January 14/2016
Ya ya, I’m the proofreader for this awesome story and I’ll admit I rolled my eyes at all the cliche anime silliness. (Mainly the transfer student-thing).
But wow, JayDirex wove an amazing story so far.

My favorite part? Every character has their own agenda and you get to know them as you keep reading! There is more than two parties with plans and they are scheming in the background! (Oops.. gave away a plot twist.)

I have to say though, Chloe is cute! She’s my favorite character! You have no idea how hard it is (well, at least for me) to create a young character like that and have her act the way a small person would. (((Thanks for taking out the weeaboo speak)))

Anya is a VERY close second favorite for me. She’s the mystery character you can’t stop wanting to learn about. She and her family has issues, which is where this story starts (and hopefully ends).

Those Barons became the hook that dragged me from liking this story, to loving it! Keep up the good work!

One more thing, there's a little boy/boy love in there (it doesn't go past kissing, but if you can't handle it, consider this your warning).


The Crux of Human Suffering

The Yandere Darkling's Review of My Revival: Building the New World

(I’m eleven chapters in as of January 13th, 2016)

~Story and Characters~

The first five chapter are so far my favorite, why? -because that’s where I believe one specific character brings life to our MC. I really liked the pair of them together (but then, I’m a sucker for romance…)

Chapters 1-7: This kid has super bad luck, tragedy befalls him one after the other and he’s forced to save himself in his weak state. What I really thought was missing though, were the details of these tragedies. (How did that building catch fire? I’m curious!)

January 8th review: Chapter 8-11: After the reincarnation, so far it just feels like another OP MC story, but I’m betting on that changing very soon since he’s only four at this point and slowly making friends… now though, I’m ready for more drama! So bring it on! (and maybe some romance again too while you’re at it! Please!) :3

 January 13th review: Chapter 8-11: (After the reincarnation was changed) now this MC feels a LOT less OP, which is great! Improvising with saving the village, and making a grave mistake to succeed! (I think maybe he’s a bit to overconfident… which I’m hoping is one of his character flaws.) There’s a nice heart-felt talk with his dad too <3

~Grammar~

Readable, understandable, well done. I may have spotted one error (a your instead of you’re) but that’s hardly anything to mention.

 

~Style~

Small list of things I would suggest the author to look into. Otherwise, not bad:

-Filter Words and Show, Don’t Tell (especially with characters’ feelings and reactions)
-To be verbs and Passive voice (I think the whole story suffers from the passive voice XD
-Wordiness (many words can be eliminated without changing the meaning of the sentence)
-Repetition (stating the same thing twice within a single paragraph)


I Hate You Master

The Yandere Darkling's review of: I Hate You Master

8.6chapters in, I can say this is a harem story done really well. Grammar is superb, one thing I would like to point out is the use of filter words that can be easily eliminated (he saw/felt). Another is the lack of focus on POV. Sometimes it jumps around without warning, but despite this, still flows rather smoothly. (Chapter 4: Soldier on, is a good place to find the POV switches)

Characterization, in a sense of knowing who these characters are, is by far of the best quality I’ve seen so far on RRL; the MC and his harem all have unique personalities that I just want to fall in love with!

The plot lacks a tiny bit from how vague it is, but the fact that ’getting alone’ with his harem is actually part of it makes things rather fun and interesting. Looking forward to how this develops.

I totally didn’t notice until a comment was made, but there are a TON of Pokemon references in this story. Can you spot them all?


Challenging Destiny

Good start, good pace, please keep it that way!

At chapter seven, so far this story has me hooked!

Style and grammar aren't perfect but so far the story and the characters are awesome!

I was a little worried at first because you could almost compare some things to royal road, but Kaz has done a good job on making these characters his own.

The OP characters in this story is everyone BUT our MC, being a noob, learning one thing at a time, I am eager to witness just how far he can go!


Transcendence?

Not at all a dissapointment

Story is awesome, grammar is always being fixed and characters all have their flaws... despite the sometimes confusing present tense style it is written in, this author has done an amazing job of creating yet another world that has blown my mind.


Until death? (Old Version)

Great novel! I like the whole romance thing going on despite who they are :3

(If I lived that long... well, I have no idea what I'd be like).


Fantasia

Fun, hilarious and cutley written

I’m easily addicted to this main character and narrator, you just can’t take them seriously!