The story is okay. I think the plot probably needs to pick up the pace a bit unless this is intended to be a slice of life, which by the title doesn't seem like it should be the case. There were a few issues with grammar and typo, missing punctuation, but nothing that renders it unreadable. The big discussion point, I suppose, would be the illustrations. I'm a bit ambivalent towards them. I think they're well done, but I found that a lot of times it didn't quite match what I envisioned the scene to be in my head. Maybe I'm just not used to illustrations in stories on RR, but it's definitely a bit jarring and probably will need to take getting used to. Regarding characters, they're okay, but I hope going forward they'll be less annoying (three kids) or less depressive (mc). That would make for good character development, I suppose.
Amazing story so far. Especially chpater 1. Love the spell usage, the description of the fight. Very immersive, felt like I was watching an RPG in action. I was a bit worried that you weren't going to provide background info on the dungeon, but you do that too, after the fight, which is really important/good. And I LOVE the mention of how dungeons appearing affects the real work a la corporations. That seems almost too realistic xD That would definitely happen if dungeons suddenly appeared on earth
Writing wise, grammar is great. I can't believe english is not your first language. Just some minor issues with style, where I'd separate the paragraphs some more, and some other minor things for clarity of reading.
In terms of story and characters, perfect. A lot of the details seem flushed out, which is usually an indication of good planning. The pacing is great. There's action, drama, comedy. Enough to keep the reader engaged. The party has great chemistry, which makes them likable
and sets them up for sympathy during their eventual demise.
I would definitely recommend for anyone interested in fantasy, litRPG, dungeon crawlers. A fun read and overall 5/5. Looking forward to more.
"one step ahead of her, but luckily a goddess steps in with the key to her success. A human boy named Seth."
Weird sentence in summary, noun is goddess, but next clause alludes to a human boy. I think it should say "another goddess"? Or something along those lines.
Well written, not many grammar issues. VERY nice descriptive writing. It makes the story feel very immersive. Likeable characters, though Seth's stance of killing is a bit wishywashy it feels. Like, he vomits after first kill. Then he complains about Algea killing, but in next paragraph, he's smiling, so kind of downplays his whole don't kill principle (chapter 5). Plotwise, intriguing, though I hope there's more clear smaller objectives, beyond just that the overarching goal is just to run. One suggestion is to add who's perspective it is at the start of chapters, or at least, when the perspective changes. Really confused when it changed to Seth's the first time. Also, not sure if I missed it, but what time period is this story? The first boy says his name like "X of Parent" makes it sound like pre-modern. Yet there's guns and instant ramen?
Overall, well written story. Enjoyable read. Especially nice that you use Egyptian mythos instead of standard greek/norse in pop culture.
This is just a stream of consciousness review. Will post things as I read, with a summary at the end.
Summary is a bit long. Kind of reminds me of that, "they came for... I didn't speak up" poem. Welp, into the story.
Really good first chapter. Lots of tidbits and hints as to what happened without it being an info dump. Love the writing style. Not sure if biased, because it's kind of similar to mine. Basically, what I think is good writing style is variability in sentence structure. This has that.
Chapter 2 was a really fun read. Love the humor. The bold is kind of... weird? I don't understand the purpose. Is it suppose to represent a "booming" godly voice or something?
Chapter 3 Wait, so it's a different earth now?
Chapter 4-9 I'm a bit confused? Disappointed? I thought this was an apocalypse type deal on earth, so I was interested to see how humanity would react. Presumably, with nukes? Machine guns (chapter 7 is just a revolver)? What about news broadcasts? Scientists? Panic in the streets? People buying out all the toilet paper? But it seems more like a dungeon crawler? Which I guess is fine...
Overall, I don't have any issues with story. Well written. Interesting plot if you're into litrpg.
I think the writing is really good. The problem is the setup. The first chapter, while... psychologically interesting, is narratively boring. This might be a good intro for an actual completed novel. But for a webnovel, it feels like it's lacking a hook. There's no cliffhanger, no real suspense. The chapter kind of just ends. If part of the second chapter, where Ramiel appears, is in the first chapter, I think people would be much more inclined to continue reading. If I'm being honest, I would have dropped after chapter 1. Having read the other chapters though, it's a really good story. Interesting characters, interesting plot. So, like I said, my main takeaway would be to add a hook to chapter 1.
So, just for the record, this isn't the kind of story I'd normally read on RR (ie. fantasy). That being said, I'd rate this as an above average in terms of how well it's written. I don't see any issues with grammar. And the sentence structure is actually varied, which is a nice change. A lot of stories are just, "I did this. I did that. Then I did this." etc. This story uses fragments, interjections, clauses, etc. in interesting ways. So all said and done, it's well written.
I don't know if this counts as a "sports" story, but if it is, I'd have to say it's kind of... anti-climatic? Except for the first fight, which was interesting btw as a hook, there hasn't been a whole lot happening plotwise it feels. You're basically 50 pages in, and he still hasn't joined the Yakuza yet, which was the whole premise of the summary. Now, don't get me wrong. This would be perfect as a slice-of-life or something. The characters are funny, Emile especially, even the brief glance at Nik's sister is funny with the email. But I guess I'd be expecting more... fighting? Strategizing about the sport? Random Yakuza stuff? If I was just a random reader, I'd say I'd lost interest somewhere around the bar scene with the three girls.
My overarching impression is that, characters are interesting, writing is above average, narrative is deep/psychological, but plot is meh. Obviously your story, but maybe something like, Nik goes to Japan, randomly meets someone, gets into fight, finds out he's actually a Yakuza member, conflict ensues when he later tries to join said Yakuza. Or something like that might be more interesting plotwise. Anyways, just my two-cents. Best of luck writing!
This is a fun/funny LitRPG. The MC is humorous with her deadpan/dry humor, which is the kind I enjoy.
The overall pacing of the story is a bit uneven. I think it jumps into things pretty fast, which is good if the audience is someone used to isekai. She literally takes a step and ends up in the fantasy world, no explanation. Again, this is fine for an isekai audience, kind of like the truck scenario. I do find the next few chapters past the 2nd to be a bit slow because it's MC fighting the same monster over and over. Then it picks up again in the latest chapter when an outsider arrives. I think the mystery of the tower was more interesting to me than the monster fighting, but that's just my preference.
Regarding the writing itself/prose, I think it was a bit stale at times. Eloise did this. Eloise did that. Then Eloise did this. etc. Nothing major though. Some of the phrasing was also a bit awkward? Hard to pin down exactly why, maybe missing some prepositions? But again, nothing major. Definitely readable.
Overall, good story. I enjoyed it, and would recommend for anyone who likes stats, spells and RPGs.