Style: This is the thing that stands out the most about this story. The style is very unique and is something I'm personally not used to. It gradually became more and more normal/balanced, but the beginning felt like I was reading a diary. There wasn't any external character description or environmental descrition, it was all abstract introspection. Which isn't nessecarily a bad thing, I imagine plenty people would like it. But I have to admit, I'd personally prefer more of a balance. I've read a few novels that fill entire chapters with introspection, but they're still able to remain grounded by occasionally showing that character doing something amid the introspection, which is something I'd prefer. I'm not sure if that'd be the case for most readers.
However, one of the issues with tons of introspection is that the introspection is dry and info-dumpy, which I wouldn't say is the case for this story at all. You've done a good job of filling the introspection with personality and occasionally humour.
I wasn't fond of the lack of dialogue tags in this one. Usually I'm fine with it because due to context and the way the characters are speaking I'm able to figure out who's saying what, for example in the Wandering Inn I never have any difficulty when it comes to figuring out whose saying what. But in this I had to re-read sentences a few times to figure who was saying what. I'm not sure if that's to do with the grammar, which I'll go into later, or because of the similar way in which the characters speak and lack of context building, but I'd reccomend writing in the occasional X said to make things clearer.
There was also an issue when it came to seperating dialogue into paragraphs. According to my understanding it works like the following:
That implies that who said "AAAAA" is different from who said "BBBBBB".
This implies that who said "AAAAA" is the same as the person who said "BBBBB".
You generally did the former during a back and forth conversation, which is good, but you'd occasionally also use the former instead of the latter when seperating one person's dialogue into seperate paragraphs, which added to the confusion when reading dialogue.
But overall, I'd say that the prose was really well written and is a big selling point of this story!
Grammar: The style of prose this story has is amazing, which makes it shame that the grammar was so weak. I think I read on one of the chapter note's or maybe in one of the reviews or comments that english isn't your first language? In that case, it's fair enough that the grammar is the way that it is. But I'm not gonna lie, it was very difficult to read through this story, especially as someone who isn't used to the poor grammar that webnovels are infamous for.
However, there is an easy way of cleaning it up a bit. I copy and pasted a few paragraphs into Prowritingaid and it made suggestions to automatically fix quite a few of the mistakes that bothered my comprehension of the story. It probably wouldn't erase all of the mistakes, but I think it would be a good step in the right direction to copy and paste your story into pro writing aid and carefully use the suggestions to clean up your writing.
Hopefully in the long term you could find an english speaking friend or beta reader to fix up the mistakes and over time you'll learn and get better. Considering how good the style of prose is, I'm sure you'll figure out grammar eventually.
Story: It's well-paced. There's some form of signficant progression every chapter which is quite difficult to pull off in stories with heavy introspection so well done on that front. The little bits of worldbuilding seem intriguing as well. Not much tension or conflict, but that's pretty usual for a more slice of life narrative and whilst that sort of calm and relaxing storytelling isn't aligned with my preferences, I think most on RR would appreciate it.
Character: The protagonists voice and their introspection was colourful and full of life. The way you've presented his internal world is great. But I feel like he's externally quite bland. He's not very active. He doesn't make many significant decisions. When he's faced with an issue, other characters tend to solve it for him. But again, this is a more slice of life story so maybe that's normal for this type of story, but personally I'd prefer to see more external decision making.
However, you did a great job of externally presenting the personality's of the family the protagonist was introduced to early on. You set up their personality's and their social dynamics very clearly and succinctly.
Overall: This is a well written story mainly held back by it's unfortuneately wonky grammar. As a result, it has plenty of potential and I'm curious to see where it goes from here.
Style: Once again, your descriptions of characters is very good, much better than the last one even. However, there isn't much environmental description which occasionally left me confused as to where the characters were and failed to trigger a vivid picture in my mind. But to be honest, I say this on pretty much every review I write because it seems to be the status quo of webnovels to be sparse with environment description. Otherwise, the prose is very good and descriptive on the things that it's focused on.
Grammar: I couldn't see any issues. Perfect in this one.
Story: I'm not entirely sure where the story is going at this point which left the narrative feeling kinda aimless. As a result the progression felt slow and meandering. However, it's only the early stages of the story so there's no point in judding that too much. Outside of the plot, you've once again have been able to craft a wholesome and relaxing slice of life narrative both due to the intriguing but whimsical worldbuilding and because of the peaceful plot. On a site such as RoyalRoad that is filled to the brim with violent power fantasies (which my own fictions add to lmaoo) this story feels like a pleasant breath of fresh air.
Character: The protagonist, Freya, has felt somewhat inactive. So far she's not really made any big decisions. But again, it's too early to really judge, that's just my current impression. She shows a lot of potential on tha front because she's shown to clearly to push past external resistance to achieve her goal. You've done a good job of showing a person's character just through their dialogue. Without even needing to write dialogue descriptions, I can already tell how different characters would speak just through the word choices you used in the actual dialogue, which is something really hard to pull off and I wish I could do it. So good job on that front.
Overall, this is a very fun and wholesome story that has a lot of potential. It's a story that I'd reccomend to any RoyalRoad readers who have felt that the constant hyper-violent power fantasies have started to become stale.
The prose is quite sparse, especially when it came to environments. But you did a good job of getting me to envision what the characters looked like, so there was no issues on that front. There were quite a few spelling mistakes and grammar issues, but there was nothing that couldn't be fixed with a quick copy and paste into Grammarly and Prowritingaid.
But to be honest, the only reason why I'm mentioning that stuff is so my review is more than 50 words, because at the end of the day this is a fast food novel in the best way possible. It's fundamentally fun, funny, and just a relaxing and wholesome story. The characters are nice, the story consistently progresses and expands yet is still just kinda chill and slice of life.
This is a great fast food story for anyone that wants to have a chill time reading a cool novel. Great stuff!!
Style: Very good prose, much better than the average you find on this site. It's descriptive enough that I'm able to see what's going on in my head, but not so descriptive that it feels slow paced. The only thing that I might say is I don't get a good sense of the character's appearances, especially the adventuring party he saves. But I think my preference on the matter is different from the average webnovel reader so take that with a grain of salt.
Grammar: Once again, nothing much to say. I didn't see any grammar issues. Much better than what you usually see in webnovels as a whole.
Story: I really like the mysterious quest system and how that relates to the world's Gods. The dynamic between the Orc, the kobolds and the priest was intriguing. Overall, the worldbuilding is brilliant. Also, the way the protagonist uses his trickster abilities to achieve his goals without even fighting was entertaining to see and quite unique in the genre.
Character: The protagonist feels quite inactive. The character's voice, the way they describe things and their own commentary was well done and makes them quite likeable, but he also feels somewhat empty of personality and I feel like that's the result of him being inactive. It feels like the quest system is the one making decisions for him and is the sole source of all of his motivation. Even after the protagonist saves the adventuring party, he kinda just follows their lead continuing to not make any decisions of his own .
An easy solution to that issue would be for the protagonist to make his decisions, either through narration or external action, before he's notified with the quest. You could have the protagonist decide to save the adventuring party before the quest pops up. You could have the protagonist make it a goal of his own to make the adventuring party like him before the quest pops up. etc.
Other than the protagonist, the adventuring party he encounters have shown quite colourful personalities that play off eachother quite well.
Overall this is a great story with a lot of potential. The only real issue I was able to come up with was the protagonist's inactivity, but even that's probably only a minor issue that'll probably be rectified later on. It is only the earlier stages after all. Great job!
This story has a lot of potential and I would love to keep reading once it's cleaned up a bit!
Style: Despite it not being very detailed, I was still able to create a clear image in my head as to what was going on. The way dialogue is written was readable, but would be less confusing if you used a more traditional style, imo. A lot of webnovels, even popular ones, tend to write dialogue really weirdly so maybe it's just me, but It felt quite weird to me. The following are just some pointers in that regard:
If you want to seperate a piece of dialogue into two paragraps you do the following.
Whereas you did:
What you did would indicate that the person who said "AAAAA" is different from who said "BBBBBB".
There are also times when paragraphs are way too long. Try to stick to approximately 3 to 5 lines per paragraph (none-dialogue paragraphs). You can drop to 1 line or 1 sentence if you want to punctuate or emphasize a specific thing.
Grammar: Quite a few clunky sentences, typos, etc. Most of the mistakes can be fixed by chucking it into grammarly or prowritingaid so I'd reccomend checking that out.
Story: The story has potential, because like I'll say later, the characters are pretty good. The problem mainly comes down to your approach to info-dumps.
In my opinion, there are two ways you can approach info-dumping. One is to do it quickly. The other is to do it in an interesting or evocative way. I don't think you did either.
I'd reccomend to check out The Matrix Movie, Inception movie, Death Note anime, and the Mistborn books. I think they do a great job of sometimes getting the exposition out of the way in a really quick manners, and some times spending a lot of time delivering exposition but doing so in an interesing way.
I think one thing I've noticed they all do is utilize mystery. They make you confused and make the audience desire information before they give it to you. Neo and the audience has absolutely no idea what's going on throughout the entire first act of the Matrix. So when Morpheus finally gives Neo and us the ages long info-dump, it's not boring because we're basically begging for information at that point. In fact, the info-dumping in the Matrix is cathartic and intriguing. Whereas, in your story information surrounding certain things is dumped on us before we even know that those things exists, let before we start wanting more information.
Characters: Despite that, I think the characters are pretty good. The MC is eager, passionate and curious, his mother is compassionate but also active and competent - the latter a rare thing in the xianxia genre which i appreciate. I aslo find Gustav rather sympathetic. Not much to say here, except I'm not particularly fond of how much everyone is obsessing over the MC in Chapter 5. I get that it's a xianxia and it's supposed to be a power fantasy, but it feels a bit too on the nose. But it might just be me, I'm not personally fond of the admired celebrity protagonist trope, but I think that is quite common in xianxia stories so take my opinion with a jar of salt.
But overall, this is a very promising story that I'll love to continue reading when the exposition is either toned down a bit or presented in a more intriguing manner. Good luck!
If you like anime and isekai stories, then this webnovel is for you. There's a lot of references to various animes and light novels and tropes in those genres. The more you know about otaku culture and anime, the more you'll enjoy this webnovel.
Style: I think the average webnovel reader would enjoy the writing style more than me. But I have to admit, I didn't like it. I could barely tell what was going on or who was saying what sometimes due to the formatting and the barebones descriptions. But webnovels in general tend to write dialogue in weird ways and tend to not care much for description, so I imagine most won't care. It's probably just me.
Grammar: Lots of spelling errors, clunky sentences, etc. It gets better later on, but still not that great. Normal for webnovels, but at least copy and paste your work into grammarly or prowriting aid and just use those suggestions. Quite a lot of the errors will be fixed with something as simple as that.
Story: This is where the webnovel really shines. In a genre so saturated and overdone as Isekai, this story is a really fresh take on the genre to the point that it feels like a de-construction. I have a sense as to where the story is going, and if it goes in that direction this could be a genuinely incredible story, so I'll make sure to keep following this. Despite it being a supposedly directionless slice of life, It also feels fast paced and it feels like the narrative is constantly progressing so I still wanted to keep reading. The story started off quite bizarre, but after the first few chapters, and especially in the recent ones, the narrative really hooks you in. But I also feel that if you're not familiar with anime or isekai light novels then I imagine you'll just be comepletely lost as to what's going on.
Character: The characters started off very flat and one-dimensional. The dialogue felt quite wooden and stilted as well. But don't let the beginning fool you. THe characters get pretty interesting and funny later on, and the dialogue grows in the same way. I'd just maybe reccomend the author brush up on those first few chapters a bit.
Otherwise, this a great webnovel that I eventually enjoyed reading. Great job!
Overall, brilliant characters, and a suspenseful story. Some work can be done on the style and grammar, but the faults in those areas are only minor and barely hindered my enjoyment of the story.
Style: This prose is sparse, fast paced, and utilizes a lot of telling. This leads to a story that progresses quickly and is thus perfect for webnovels. However, as someone who isn't super experienced with webnovels and is more accustomed to more traditional style of novel the prose isn't perfect for me.
Despite the story being truly captivating, I fail to get immersed or picture what's going on in the story due to the lack of description and the use of weak verbs.
Due to the lack of sentence variety there's also a lack of rhythm and flow in the prose.
However, it is, again, a matter of personal preference. From what I've seen this is pretty normal in the webnovel sphere. So if you're familiar with that style, then you'll like this, if not, then that might be an issue.
Story: This is a brilliantly fast paced character-driven narrative that at one hand feels like a wholesome slice of life, but on the other hand feels like a suspenseful thriller. The premise of an innocent girl getting trapped inside the body of a demon, who then has to try and survive in a society that hates and fears demons has been executed perfectly thus-far, and there are lots of ominous and intriguing hints as to how that idea will later on develop.
Grammar: This is an early draft so I wasn't suprised to see there were quite a few grammar mistakes. Once they're fixed I'll make sure to increase the score. But for now, I think it makes sense to leave it like this.
Character score: The character writing in this story is far above the average that we recieve on this website. They're not just friendless and min-maxing monster farming AI; they're human beings who have human motivations, friendships, families, opposing worldviews, and dynamic beliefs/personalities. The characters we follow in this story, Lunella and Amara, are both incredibly sympathetic and have a great friendship that I was immediately emotionally invested in.
Overall, I think this is a very good slow-burn character driven narrative that shows a lot of potential in the early stages of the story. However, I do think there are some minor issues in the micro-level storytelling that I'll get into.
Style: There's a lot of introspection which is good in the sense that we get a solid sense of the character's personalities, their beliefs, and their motivations. But I think you could consider toning it down.
The large majority of this story is told through introspection. As a result, a lot of the time it doeesn't feel like I'm reading a story, but instead a person's diary as they monologue about themselves and their feelings. Exposition and worldbuilding is also communicated this way; through the characters thinking about it.
Despite what I've written, I'm actually not against this, what I am against is how much of a majority the introspection is. Most great novels have tons of introspection, but I've seen that the introspection in those novels tends to triggered by external factors as the POV character does things in the external world and progresses the plot in some way. As a result, despite there being a lot of navel-gazing, there's still a constant forward momentum.
You actually kinda did this in Chapter 1.02. Matthew delivers exposition and introspects about himself and his motivations whilst training, talking with Maximillian, and arguing with Todd. I really liked that chapter. But in Chapter 1.01, Themosticles wasn't really doing anything. It was Maximillian who went up to him and talked to him. And whilst they were talking, that's all they did, whereas in Chapter 1.02 at least Matthew was training during his introspection and dialogue.
And I think as a result of this, there is a lack of scenic description and I fail to get immersed in the story because it doesn't feel like a collection of scenes but just one long delve into a person's mind.
Another minor thing is the sentence variety. You seem to be fond of long sentences, which is fine, but I personally think your story would be easier to digest if there were more shorter sentences. That's not to say that you need to get rid of all long sentences, just that there should be a bit more variety.
Grammar: I couldn't see anything wrong on this front which is quite shocking considering it's a webnovel.
Story: Very interesting story. The odds seem to be very much against the protagonists which I like, and everything about the world and even the characters is very myserious and intriguing. The pacing is quite slow, but I think that's mainly due to the style of the story and the way information is communicated to the audience.
Characters: All of the characters feel very multi-layered and realistic. Despite being unpredictable, every action they take and every line they utter is internally consistent and feel quite similar to some people I see normally in the real world, albeit I'd say they're a bit of an exaggeration on those archetypes. However, I wouldn't say I'm particularly emotionally invested in any of them except maybe Matthew. I guess I'm emotionally invested in Maximillian but I'd say that's more to do with him providing an unpredictable and ominous feeling.
But that's more to do with me than the story, because one thing I like about the characters is that you've constructed them in an honest and non-manipultive way. There doesn't seem to be any intention to manipulation the audience into feeling a specific way about the characters, you just present their traits honestly and withous bias. As a result, they feel very real, and I wouldn't be suprised if most readers view the characters in a much more varied and unpredictable manner in comparison to most other stories which could create interesting discussions amongst the readers down the line.
Overall: This is a very good story with a lot of potential and great characters. Just might need to brush up on the way information is presented.
Overall: This story knows what it wants to do, focuses on that, and does it incredibly well. The worldbuilding is fantastic, the slow-burn suspense pushed me to continue reading, and the mysterious dystopian atmosphere was subtle yet powerful. If I was to compare it to anything, I'd compare it to George Orwell's 1984, it gave me the same vibe anyway.
Style: The writing style is great. It's quick and sparse when it needs to be and slow and detailed when it needs to be. This is something that can especially be seen in the prologue. However, I would say that chapter 1 was a bit too sparse and made it a bit hard to follow due to a large amount of information and different characters being thrown at you all at once. I think the confusion could've been remedied by putting more time into establishing each individual character by adding some sensory description to them, because the more you describe a thing, the more it sticks in your mind.
Story: The main draw of this story for me was the mystery and worldbuilding. I wanted to know what was going on with this world and these characters but also dreaded to know because I knew whatever it was that this world or these characters were up to wasn't good. That's great. However, after what I've read in the story, there is a lack of progression which is why I gave it 4.5 instead of 5. But this is more to do with how the protagonist is designed so I'll leave that until then.
Grammar: Occasional misspellings and wonky sentences, but that's to be expected in web novels so I'll let it slide. Otherwise, the prose did exactly what it needed to.
Character: The world building and overall story are pretty great. As I said before, the slow-burn suspense, the mysterious atmosphere, and spooky yet detailed worldbuilding all works fabulously. But I think the characters could use some improvement.
I'm not entirely sure what Rana's role will be in the story, but thus far she's been presented in an incredibly effective way; she's mysterious, she's intimidating, she has agency, and seems to have her own motivations that she feels strongly about and shows hints at being reasonable and compelling (I don't actually know what her motivation is so I can't say for sure, but considering what she's said I speculate that it could/will be). And Ossagar seems to be written in a similar way. Nothing much is known about De'al yet, but, especially with a prologue, the author has done a good job of making me intrigued by what his deal is.
However, I'd say that one thing holding this story back, in my opinion, is the protagonist. He struggles a lot and is put in a lot of bad situations which makes me somewhat emotionally invested in him, which I think the author has done very well, but he isn't active.
I hesitate to mention this because I do feel that is the point and that his character arc is supposed to be him gaining agency, especially since it's a dystopian narrative. I thought I'd mention it anyway as a warning that it could put a lot of people off from the story and you might want to take a close look at other dystopian novels. Most dystopian novels have inactive protagonists, but a lot of them, like Winston from 1984, still feel active despite not really doing much. I think this is a result of him making very small decisions that hint at his personality like writing in his notebook or his many glances at Brian. But I'd recommend to just read through some dystopian novels yourself because there's probably something they're doing that I just can't see.
However, overall, I think it's clear you have a goal you want to achieve with your story, you know how to achieve it, and I think you're doing a pretty good job so far. The criticisms I gave were quite minor and should be taken with a jar of salt. This is a great story in the making. Good luck :D