Never thought I would like a Bible fan fic, but here I am, reading the entire thing and thinking.
"This is pretty lit."
The poems at the begining of the chapters are pretty cool as well and help set the tone. It's a nice short story and a wonderful change from the sludge of litrpgs that are weighing down this site...
Overal Score 5/5
Note: I read up to chapter 4.
I have been on this site for about a month.
This is one out of three stories I have actually slowed down to read.
Most of them I skim through like a textbook until it catches my eye in prose, however for this one it isn't the case. For the first time in a long time I read a story with magic children, that wasn't Harry Potter and the Secret of Neville Long-Bottom's Trouser Zipper.
I suggest this to anyone who wants a good read to unwind with with a nice cup of tea.
Style Score 5/5
Most stories I read I have to go to about maybe the 5th chapter to see a developing style, but from this one it wasn't the case. It hit the ground running and I was able to clearly visualize the setting.
Not much to say here, other than relief I don't have to read errors that intterupt the reading expereince.
Story Score 5/5
This story does a good job at exposition without explaining things. Brava. I struggle with this and am quite jealous. By the end of the first chapter I already know the basics of the story. That there's a curse, a boy is being followed by the police, and that someone got hurt. It makes me want to know more, and its a good place to end a chapter to get people to keep reading.
Character Score 5/5
This part has a spoiler, so let me forewarn before you read this section.
Before I realized Kayden was transgender, I did not even realize it. It was hinted at in the story. Kayden was treated like the others. It wasn't said obviously. Why should it be? The other characters already know!
The registration chapter is great exposition, and shows the small and big parts of the hard parts of a transgender person's life.
It is also a great literary vehicle. Kayden can truly be Kayden in this new school. Good Job.
Please read this story. You won't regret it :)
I gave it a 4/5 overall because it left me wanting more. All the chapters are always left on a high note so the reader comes back for more... so sly lol. I also want to know more in general about the setting. I think I might be too impatient or maybe I need to read more chapters first. I think you should give it a try if you want an isekai without the same overused tropes.
There's nothing really distinct about the style but nothing thats good or bad either. The descriptions of the settings and the monsters are what the author is really good at though.
Immaculate. Other than a few minor spelling errors that we all make from time to time, this story is a breeze to read.
Adam's sister died, returning to their home in a wierd costume in chapter one. After that its not really addressed because the MC is trying to stay alive in another isekai death portal match. I honestly don't care for isekais in general but I like this because it doesn't use the standard old lit-rpg, big titty goth girlfriend format.
I'm about half-way through the story and a common theme seems to be blood, which is way more interesting than dragons, elf-archers, and a yandere magician that the MC ends up sleeping with. Thanks for this breath of fresh air.
I like Adam. I don't think he's an anti-hero. I can't hate him, I mean yeah, he's a delinquent, but he became one to protect himself. He doesn't seem that bad considering most real delinquents so... maybe the author should make him meaner or take away the anti-hero tag? I feel like his dialouge needs to be fixed a little, but other than that, he's a solid main character so far.
Grammar: Every now and then there is a mis spelling but there is nothing major.
Style: There is no discernable style, but the writing is still good. It's descriptive, especially with the snowy landscape. It's no seven pages of describing a mountain, but it's pretty!
Story: Magical dogs? Rabbits? I have imagined them as half dog/rabbits. I have not read a story with a non-human lead before, and this is very interesting, how there is a magical system, a history, tribes. Its different but not too different to get too confused and it doesn't hand hold one too much while learning about the world
Character: I like how the character has a look, the half white and black fur. I like how all of them can be distinguished. I never thought that you could distinguish animal like(anthromorphic? I don't want to use the word furries, lol) creatures without it sounding wierd in writing, but it works great here!
Overall, the style needs something to make it stand out a bit more, but the quality of writing is a lot better than most on this site because the writer takes their time to think it over. Quality sometimes is better than quanity of daily updates...I say this as someone who updates daily... lol..
I love the concept, that things in a DnD world affect the real world, or that maybe, just maybe, the main character is crazy and it's all in his head. I also like the idea that the DnD characters they make become sort of real...it's a great concept and there's so much to do with it! I've only read the begining, but I stopped around the part when the MC tries to find answers to what's going on. The forsehadowing is helpful, but its not so obvious that its hand holding, or so murky that you can never catch on.
The writer doesn't have a discernable style, but the main character is easy to empathize with: millenial with an average dead end job that plays DnD on the weekends to make friends. Who doesn't want friends? It also seems that everyone might not be who they appear to be. It makes me wonder who is really the good guy, who is really bad.
The grammar is well done, and I found little to no spelling errors.
If you like Isekai's i highly suggest it. If you like sci-fi, its wonderful as well. Give it a chance, its better than most Isekai's I've read on here... and I don't even like that genre...
Overall Scor 4/5
The idea is great, but the characters seem a bit off. However, I think that might be the point. Its always great to poke fun at media, and this does a good job at doing that at some points, but sometimes the writing feels a little jagged. The writer seems to start from somewhat formal narration to informal and I suggest he pick one to make the flow of reading much easier.
Reccomended for super fans of anime and LitRPG :)
The authoer does a good job of describing scenes, costumes, etc. Some descriptons fall flat, but adding details helps one imagine whats going on, and its very impressive! Most writers on here don't do that.
Few mistakes, very easy to read overall.
Other than one part that seemed confusing, the overall story has a great premise. As more goes on, the exposition seems natural, and not forced. I've seen so much forced exposition in LitRPG's, so this is a great change of pace!
The characters are believable. Lots of nerds going into an RPG world to live out their fantasies. The way they speak is believable too, as well as their reactions to the world around them. The only qualm I have is about how some of the chracters are described.
I don't want to be told that a character is Caucasian. Tell me that he has brown hair and green eyes! Yeah you can tell me he's Caucasian, but I want more. The girl in chapter one was described wonderfully, but past that I can only fill in the blanks @[email protected]
The story is really good. The premise is great. The writing however needs work. That’s okay though! I see so many stories with great plots, characters, etc, but the writing falls flat. Some more work on grammar and POV would be the first great step.
I truly want to recommend this story but so far I cannot because of the major issues in grammar. If you however change the major issues, this story could shine and I would be more than happy to change my review!
Another aspect holding back your story is style. I will be reading your story, enjoying it, but suddenly something jarring in parentheses will explain something that doesn’t need to be explained.
Or a giant use of capitalization LIKE THISSSSS is put in there. Please don’t do this. Please.
Grammar 3 /5
Your grammar is truly holding back the story. I am quite sorry. The issue is that your word choice feels a bit limited. I myself struggle from the same and always keep a dictionary and thesaurus on hand to help with this issue.
Your story however is easy to read. I see a lot of writers on here don’t space their dialogue out, but you don’t seem to have that problem. That’s good!
Your story has a lot of potential, but I see a huge thing lacking.
There are no descriptions of settings so far.
In chapter one a great improvement would be describing the heaps of trash. You could describe how Monillas hurts himself while sifting through it all, or the techniques he uses to find valuable items. You don’t describe Monillas ‘house’ he hates so much. It’s a huge chance to create more sympathy for the main character but… It doesn’t happen. It needs more in depth. Like is the door rusting? What color are the drapes? What time of day is it? Etc.
You can get very descriptive with it.
You can understand the characters personalities and their plight. Unless you’re lacking a soul there’s no way you couldn’t be invested in someone trying to work their way out of extreme poverty. The only thing I would suggest is more working on the dialogue to make it seem much different from characters that re-appear frequently.
I think you should give it a try. At first from the premise thought it would be a LitRPG but its not! Its a Fantasy, and I think it's a good one. I am a bit confused by some terms about historical weapons, but that doesn't necessarily ruin the story for me. In fact, I don't know much about Roman history but you can stilll understand most of the the things Publius is talking about, and I think that's a bang up job.
I struggled to find anything bad about this story, and I hope to see more good things from this author.
I love the way its written. I can easily imagine scenes and what they're wearing. I don't struggle to remember or pronounce names either! The way some parts are written makes the reader wonder , Is Publius just confused, or is this really a threat? which I love.
No problems to be found. My only qualm is that it needs to have the paragrpahs broken up more for an online reading format.
The High fantasy trope is tried and true but this one doesn't seem boring. The premise of a Roman in a High Fantasy world is unheard of. I think its also interesting because maybe he'd fit in quite well. A belief in multiple gods and mythological creatures to living in a world where they are real would be a shock to anyone, but he might have a better chance at adapting.
I really love the premise.
Character Score 5/5
I feel like the characters have their own personalities.
I especially love how Publius has a reason of being a humble noble. So tired of seeing people raised in the lap of luxury somehow be humble and understand to everyone... which I doubt ....
Publius on the other hand is humble because of his lineage, and it makes him a great hero!
I feel sorry for Jim. Why are people so speciest?!?! Leave Jim Alone!
Overall Score 5/5
I'm going to admit I didn't expect much coming into this story. Most of the stories on here I've read are either A) horrible, B) Great premise, bad execution ,C) absolutely wonderful, and D) should be published.
I feel like this story is a C, maybe one day it could be a D.
I highly reccomend this story to someone who wants fantasy, but not the run of the mill kind you can get anywhere. This story's chapters are long enough to keep me entertained, but not so long that I get bored. When reading this I felt like the author did their research.
Keep up the good work!
Style score 5/5
I didn't get bored while reading it. The author seems to have a voice while writing, and is very descriptive to help set the scene. I myself have dificulty describing scenes, or just fail to describe them at all. Good job.
Grammar score 5/5
I've seen no grammatical nor spelling errors, and the paragraphs were spaced out so I could read easily, but not so far out it was confusing.
Story Score 5/5
I am in love with this story and I know very little about Indian culture. That in of itself is this story's strongest point. A Western audience that knows little of Indian culture will hear mythological Indian names and see them as fantasy. The names sounds different, but not too different that one wouldn't be able to pronounce them.
The Indian background as well helps give the story a setting, it sets the tone, it was an overall great idea to base the story off of a culture that not many in the west know about.
Character Score 5/5
I have learned about the Prince, and I want to know more. It's wierd to say it this way, but thats a good thing. I feel like sometimes I know everything about a character too early, and I can easily predict what they will do, but not with Prince Surya.
I want to know more about Indra, and the evil scorcerer. The characters all seem to have their own thing going on, and their own personalities, instead of being slightly different versions of the main character. I cannot wait until I have some time to finish the rest of this book!
Very entertaining. I haven't read a story for the perspective of a spider before!
Reccomend if you want something quick and nice to read before you head off for the day!
My favorite part was how the spider called days "legs". I wish there were more, but I guess that's the point of a short story.