Nestor1079

Nestor1079

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Dragoon Isekai

It's got a lot of potential.

Overall, not bad at all. 

 

The things that drag it down are mostly grammar problems, and lack of descriptives. 

One thing that sticks out is that there's no sense of tension, risk, or sense of urgency. 

 

Characters: It's hard to connect or relate to them. You could describe them more. I’d probably like the MC better if there were more information about him. He’s just some cheeky bloke (Which is fine, I don’t mind that, but we need something more than just a thumbnail sketch of what this guy is like). 

Talk about him some more. 

The scene with the elders was pretty weak in that you didn’t describe them practically at all. They could have been talking tree stumps.

 

Grammar:

Your sentence structure is kinda problematic, and makes it difficult to read sometimes. 

You're missing a lot of spots where a comma could make the difference between readable and unreadable. There are also parts in the first couple of chapters that are filled with short, abrupt sentences. If you joined them together, they’d flow together into a perfectly respectable narrative.

 

Style: Your narrative is good, your descriptions need work. 

I didn't feel like there was any sort of risk or tension with the gobbos in the forest or the boat assault. 

There’s also no sense of “I need to quickly find Nikolette and get the fuck out of this place!” 

The world-building is kinda all over the place. Strong in some areas, weak in others. 

 

Keep up the good work.