This has me genuinely holding my tablet in a death grip. I could not stop reading. Been a shit day anyway, so not much is lost.
I have learned more about economics by reading this book than throughout the entirety of my educational career. And I want more?! I am genuinely interested in topics that bored me to sleep just yesterday.
The characters are fun, with a hefty dose of personality. They act and talk like real people. Watching as their relationships bloom is a joy. I was at first skeptically of changing the MC´s after the first arc was over. But they are just too lovable.
The way the Frogs just vanished was a bit disappointing. For a species that went to space on a bartering system, they just folded way to fast. I would expect them to be a bit more stubborn.
The premise still has me reeling, but there has to be some kind of suspension of disbelieve, or otherwise there would be no story. But still! A Bartering system?! How the heck did they survive, much less go to space?
I hope there will be much more from the author. I want to know more about the best (and only) MCD Fanfiction I have ever found. :D
The characters are beautifully crafted. The dialogue is believable. The motivations are clear. Even the grammar is very good.
Read this. You won´t regret it.
This story is about a robot that is fed up with being treated as a second-class citizen. Its owner doesn’t believe it intelligent but demands an explanation for its recent most passive aggressive behavior.
Well, I really don’t want to tear you down, but I think you should try getting an editor. If this is the rewrite, then you should long since have eliminated things like capitalized words in the middle of the sentence. There are also some really wired punctuations in there, like !!!, or ?.... which don’t help your point come across.
Your ideas run into nowhere. What is the purpose of your scenes? Why are they important? You start with the MC in the game, trying to tell us that you play the game by diving into a different world, I assume. But instead of making this clear, you rush things way too much.
It is the classic “show don’t tell” routine. Instead of telling us that the scenery is beautiful, filled with “flowers and orchids”, you should describe it to us. What does the landscape look like? Are there people? What is the Protagonist looking at?
You switch from first person to third and back again, which is quite disorienting.
The dialogue is so broken, that I couldn’t tell what is going on. Try weaving in little descriptions of what the people are doing and why they are talking. The interview at the restaurant was jarringly out of whack.
The scene where he thinks about his sister was creepy as ****! And why does he feel the need to break into her room? Are they not at their parent’s house? Why do they live separately and haven’t seen each other forever? The things in this world don’t seem to make any sense internally.
I can’t believe that all of this happened in just the prologue, I don’t want to read further than this. Despite this, please don’t be discouraged. You can only get better by keeping at it.
Maybe try writing in your own language first? English is a strange language, and the grammar can give people nightmares.
If you need help structuring your scenes, I recommend Tale Foundry:
Worldbuilding: How to Start — Worldbuilding Series
I don’t want to dive too deeply into it, but a setting should have the 4 dimensions of period, location, level of conflict as well as duration. Your story doesnt even try to fulfill these criteria, there is no setup. Things just happen in sequence. You also switch too fast, giving the reader no time to get familiar with anything.
Please don’t give up on this. Please. You have gold here.
The characters are what makes this so engaging. They have believable dialogue, hopes and dreams, fears and simply put: Personality. It doesn’t stop at humans either, as some of the best scenes are with the Pokémon interacting with others.
I love his team and the way he handles them. Not just the Pokémon part, but also his human companions. Brendan’s mudkip is a wonderful little masochist, goomy is best and Zinnia is best girl, her reaction to Brook too good not to wake my neighbors with laughter. May´s reaction to Lee is also funny.
The fights are Ok, if not great, but I was much more drawn in by the idea of training the Pokémon.
Using the meta knowledge from the games to develop new moves and using real life work out routines to help in physical training was really engaging. The more esoteric parts were well thought out and give the story a depth that many simply lack. (Though I do question at times how no one else has thought of some of it.)
The Author also isn’t shy to work in traumatic scenes, using them not just to further the story, but to make your heart bleed as you read along. It is handled carefully and with respect. Well done!
What was a little disappointing were the Log chapters. It is mostly just giving out the same information we read in other chapters. I think a little more commentary from Prof. Birch would have elevated it beyond a simple collection into something much more meaningful, giving us insight on just how alien the MC´s thinking is compared to the natives.
Well, this dude didn’t need truck kun.
The way he got slapped into to new world was abrupt and unique. Read it and you will be drawn into the story just as much as I was.
We know very little about the earth he comes from, as he understandably tries to not think about it too much. The trauma is used to great effect and his dependance on vulpix is as cute as it is sad.
I just have two gripes with it:
The dude took a nuke to the face out of nowhere. Why was the USA attacked?
Also: The dude was engulfed in NUCLEAR FIRE. I don’t know about you, but I would avoid touching anything. Lingering radiation is not fun.
He needs to have a long decontaminating shower and a change of clothes. That would be the least I would do bevor crashing on someone’s couch. Fuck the medical bills. Go to a hospital.
And get psychologic help. Really loved it when the Prof gave him the number of a help hotline. That is so realistic, I can´t even…
I was at first hesitant to try this, as the synopsis leaves a lot of questions, but it is surprisingly good. The Grammar is good, and the story is intriguing. The Characters are lively and absolutely believable.
This is basically a read through of the HP series with frequent commentary from James, Lily, Sirius and Remus. I guess Peter will show up the same time we hear of him in the books. I shudder to think what will happen then. Was he a member of the dark lord at that time? I don’t know.
The few available chapters were too little. I needed MOAR. With a quick search I found the completed series on the Authors other accounts. In this version here are short blurbs from the original books, making following the commentary way easier.
Now, should you read this? I think you can give this a try.
What an absolute clusterfuck… I love it.
It has been years since I read this and I still remember it from time to time. The Characters have the mental capacity of a flattened Tablespoon, but are still funny to read about.
Grammar and Style are at times painful to read through. I remember that much. And a quick check through the chapters makes me shudder again.
Still worth the read. I recommend giving it a try.
Ok, that was something. I am not sure what but it was something.
Read it. Seriously. It is hilarious.
What else can I say? Guess if I have to pad my wordcount to post something I can talk about style. There could be better separation between what is happening to the chocolate’s inner thoughts.
Mad respect to the Author. It is really hard to write a story based in one world, but so far, we have gotten 4. I would have lost myself in Worldbuildersyndrome with the third at least.
The MC´s birth world is good old earth. She dies and gets a chance at visiting other worlds. (The speculation in the comments are glorious.) At the moment she can only go to worlds with Stats and Skills, as they are easier to progress in.
The second world is a classic medieval based one. She doesn’t do much here, but that is by design. She still grieves over the loss of her first world and hasn’t accepted her new situation. Quite realistic, I think. She doesn’t use her knowledge of technology and is contend with going with the flow. She learns to fight and has her hands full, keeping her friend, the baron’s daughter, save in a civil war.
In the third world she realizes how passive she has been and strives to change herself. As the princess she is expected to challenge her siblings for the throne, but is stunning everyone by instead learning how to read and write, as well as leveling classes other than [Imperial Princess]. She pushes for peace, changing the entire course of the world.
I really enjoyed the third world, as old Egypt and Mesopotamia are not that often seen in these types of stories. I would have loved to see more, but Cadence seems to be cursed to live very short lives. I enjoyed the Extra´s, showing how the world sees her achievements thousands of years after her time.
The fourth world throws a wrench in her plans. She has finally gained a goal, that now seems entirely out of reach. We haven’t seen that much yet, but I think that is about to change.
The Grammar is good, no problems here.
The Characters are a bit shallow, but that is to be expected when we see so little of them. Despite having very few interactions, they still feel like distinct people. Tropes and clichés are used to further their character, giving the reader a better idea of them, bevor changing things up.
I think the idea you have is neat. I always enjoy a good God story.
The characters could use some work though. The grammar makes them hard to understand and a few moments were wasted potential. When Ada asks Leanne to talk about her home, I hoped for some interactions to further connect with the two characters. It would have benefited the story immensely.
I also don’t think the time limit is realistic. There is not much that can be accomplished in 3 Years. I fully expected her to stay and watch over the world inching towards a better standard of living. Having her come back after all that time would just be cruel to both Ada and the World.
I see that you are not a native English speaker, but you might want to look up some tips on Grammar. Your descriptions are too long and get confusing quickly. You might also chop the Paragraphs into smaller pieces for readability.
I really respect you going back, again and again to edit your chapters though.
One grief I have with the story is this:
In a previous Chapter she was against having a random farmer as her followers, now in Chapter 21 she accepts the idea with open arms. I would have at least thought that she would further discuss the pro´s and con´s or at least mention her previous decision.
Another thing I think silly, is her giving away parts of her divine cloud so readily. It is literally her only power and protection in this world. I would be constantly worried about loosing parts as gold coins or when it reacts as sodium with the water.
That wouldn’t be as bad, if she could get replacements, but I don’t think she can…
I don´t know why, but I love Otome game Story´s and while this one was really compressed down to the most important points, I can´t say the story suffered for it. The quality is through the roof and I would have loved to see more of this world.
The characters motivations are very clear and understandable. The conversation flowed nice and naturally. I especially love how the characters flaws are used to enhance and drive the story.
The MC isn´t dumb, she uses the format of the Game to get her desired result, roping others in as her mostly unwilling participants. It tears at the heart so good was the relationship between the MC and the prince. And the fight between her and her father really stung.
I love her acting when her engagement gets annulled and the reactions from the prince and his girlfriend. The way the others played their role was also refreshingly turned on the head, even though they came out of practically nowhere.
Grammar wise I can´t say I noticed a mistake.
I nearly gave a much lower score for the Style, as the large time skips left a lot unanswered, but the Extra´s fill in the backstory quite nicely.
The Ending brought a smile to my face. Very well done.