CamChow

CamChow

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Seaborn

Good but falls into the same mistakes as many others

This is a good web fiction, it has good grammar and good flow and is one of the better fictions on the site.  However, there are some glaring issues. 

The character is made out to be idealistic.  He isn't OP which is the main purpose of the story, which the author admits to.  But there is very little personality to him.  He is the carbon copy, intelligent, resourceful, courageous etc. found in every other story.  

Storywise, it's an interesting take.  Sailor? Cool.  HOWEVER.  Another glaring mistake is that there is no story.  No end game.  All good stories have a opening, middle, end, where the ending is outlined in the opening. e.g. the name of the wind, Eragon, mistborn, etc.  If you're intending this to be a web series, spend more time building the world. 

Another story error is that you jump around from place to place without building any characters or setting.  There needs to be a purpose to each of these interactions.  Mom, Hali, Vigram.  Home, the windrunner, lawless jack's ship.  All these fleeting interactions last for a chapter or two before disappearing. Yes we're interested in what happens to Domenic but that includes what's happening around him.  

Style.  I can't really comment on this other than what I've already said.  You also smash paragraphs together when they could be split into a few.  

Grammar. No complaints.  


The Perks of Immortality

The work is pretty average as far as rrl goes. definitely not deserving of being on the top works. made it to chapter 3 and couldnt go any further

story seems poorly thought out with no direction beyond surviving trials that come MC's way. also very nonsense.. in the first chapter he meets goblins, okay cool.  Then the goblins start eating everything including the dead, no description of what they're like, just that they enter a clearing and start eating.  Then they start pooping, no wait, they're giving birth.  Then they eat the babies too. ?? initially going to give this a three, now i'm taking it down to a 2.5 because as I write this out I think how poorly written this is  

style. Author's writing style doesn't give us a good look at what's going on.  very superficial and even the superficial look is pretty poor.  chapter 1 and we're thrown into action already which is fine, but it doesn't really make any sense.  

Grammar.  is fine so far.  

Character.  What character? I don't know any characters in the story.


Failedaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Grammar and Style, disregard story and char

Grammar is meh.  About average for translated LN.  Author can speak english but it is clearly as a second language.  There are often grammatical errors in verb tense but that isn't the worst thing about the work.  I gave up after the first two chapters so sue me, but the style of writing needs work as well. Like i said, author is ESL.  The flow between sentences doesn't exist at all, word usage is questionable. The story reads as individual sentences- He did this, he looks like this, he is this, he smelled this. 

Characters, cant really comment on.  Sister is classic anime waifu- blushing, puffing out cheeks.  if you're into that kinda thing then read on, if you're into actual writing, you'll probably get annoyed at it.  

Story, don't know enough about it yet.  

All in all, I'd say it's okay for a brainstorm where you plot out what you want to happen/say, poor for a rough draft, terrible for a final draft.  

Things to work on: verb tense and story flow. read books and learn how they go from sentence to sentence without disjointing the thoughts.  @author, message me if you ever clean it up and i'll try again to read it


The Wandering Inn

because it's better than everything else here

if you get stories like orc lord with 5 star ratings, this is a solid 8/5 read.  Slow progression for straight litRPG fans who just want action on action on harem on leveling and skills and OP main characters, but this is a better read in that there is thought behind the story (like way in advance, e.g. you see the foreshadowing in previous chapters).  I would say this is a fantasy story first, litRPG second, but definitely combines the two very well. If you want some higher level reading but still want that litRPG dose, mixed with slice of life, look no further. The one story I still look forward to every week.

Fastforward to 5.62.  Jesus christ Aba you make me feel so many emotions during one sitting. I don't know how you do it.  Read this, I can't say much else.  It's a huge commitment to read, but hey, at least you have something to do for the next month.  


Summoning Shenanigans

I mean it's got good grammar and levels

TL;DR: Grammar is fine, story is untouched, style makes conversations hard to believe/decisions hard to understand, and charaacters are illogical and inconsistent.  you'll enjoy it if you like litRPG- there's rapid growth and OP mc

You've seen it in other reviews already.  

The story has yet to be flushed out as of chapter 14.  It's the classic summoned to another world to be a champion/hero to save the world.  from what? dunno. when? dunno. How? dunno.   

Characters are inconsistent and illogical.  MC, elandria, bribin (w.e.) don't make any sense.  their decision making and actions don't fit their characters or atleast what we're first meant to believe of them.  Also, MC at level 7 or something can make a miniature sun? What happened to not making him op.  In the same moment he makes 4 miniature suns.  How does a novice mage have enough MP to sustain that anyways.

Style. Conversations are scripted, it feels like one person is halving a conversation with himself.  There's no personality to each response.  There are also just illogicalities within the plot. e.g. if something is urgent, are you really gog to wait until the next day before bringing it up? if you wait till the next day, are you going to wake the person up just before noon- i mean you've already waied like 10 hours, whats another two.  

 


Orc Lord

writing is one dimensional.  you write as if you're translating another book, line for line, and thinking of the sentence in the moment, not the larger picture.  "MC did this. now he did this.  now he did this.  then he evolved.  then he got stronger. then he built this"  lacks emotion and in depth thought.  ALTHOUGH - huge disclaimer - people wlil like this because this is the quality that people on here enjoy.  they want to read something that essentially just plods on, not real writing, but the IDEA of a video game/fantasy world.  not to be immersed in it, just to have the idea in front of them and pretend they're playing a game, not in the world.
Story isn't terrible, nothing we haven't seen before.  the progression of the story is thought out, but isn't quality.  there are no undertones, just a stead progression of story.  it's not terrible, but not good.  except for the evolution tree. that shit's fucked up, an orc getting angel wings? okay... I think there should be limits on creative freedom
Grammar is decent.  he doesn't make use of higher writing punctuation, but neither does he misuse it.  a few homonym mix ups, but otherwise not bad. 
character is decent.  not two dimensional.  She shows some depth, but the writing takes away from her and she seems robotic in nature.  "oh, now i will be sad.  okay, now I will be angry.  okay now and only now will I show my yearning to be with my sister" as oppoesd to having these integrated within her actions.  not sure if that made sense but tl;dr- characters are robotic with some depth.  roboticness is due to style of writing.

All in all, if you like litRPG, you will like this work.  If you like good writing, you will not like this work


Fantasy Royale

Good addition to settlement litRPGs

Story.  The story is pretty classic.  A pro gamer plays new game and dominates, however the way in which the game progresses and the macrogameplay adds to the novelty of the story.  The Character progresses at a normal, not OP, pace and suffers setbacks like any new gamer would.  

Style.  The story suffers from the author's style of writing.  The segmenting of paragraphs is decent. there are however too many inner monologues spread over multiple paragraphs/one liners.  Author should try and figure out how to let the story flow without using elipses or one liners

Grammar.  decent, good if proofread.  will not have trouble reading in terms of grammar

Characters.  Author has personalities for each character but fails to bring them out fluidly.  Shoudl try to smooth it out because I see "hiccups of personality".  Characters falter because of style of writing.  

Overall.  I enjoy it.  I'd still rate it 4.5 even with these partial scores because I like it when it comes together.  4.5/5 compared to other stories on the site, and partial scores for the author to improve on. a must read for settlement litRPG fans


Nerds in Dungeonia!

 I'm two chapters in so sue me, but I very rarely read works that I enjoy here.  This is one of them.  Very well written, with just teh right balance of comedy and seriousness.  Characters all ahve their own personalities and Story is different in that it uses D&D as a basis.  I'm really surprised this isn't more popular though

 


The Genesis System

poor read, but litRPG so you'll like it

Read is simplistic.  MC thrown into another world, gets mana, gets op, lots of time skips to get more op, beats bosses, like they're nothing because they are nothing compared to op MC.  

We learn nothing of the MC and im 25 chapters in.  Suddenly he has to get back home and for that he'll kill everyone.  okay..

Story.  Nothing new.  Edgy mentor, Ragey OP MC, grindgrind levels.

Grammar.  I can say is good.  

 


Oblivion Online (complete)

Good/decent grammmar though paragraph spacing requires work.  Sometimes you have these huge chunks of 400 words without a break

Good Storyline.  imo an unoriginal backstory, but interesting premise to the "tutorial".  

Style is weak.  The dialogue is robotic and almost completely unnecessary.  should have conversations with people IRL and see how unrealistic this sounds. Character can only do right.  He can't fuck up.  everyone in the world is dumb af, and exists to make the MC appear smarter.  

Character.  what MC? I don't remember anything about the guy because we're never told anything about him.  he's not thought out at all.  When you write a story you need to make your characters as well, not just think of the storyline .  Give your characters motivations and backstories.  This story lacks it