Hello everyone, I'm needing to get some in-depth feedback on current ongoing story. I'm willing and able to review your own work in return if you have any available. I would really benefit from any serious feedback before I start the next draft for the chapters already published. If you're interested in assisting me please list the story you'd like for me to leave a review on below and I'll take a look at it.

I'll edit and add in any stories here that reviews have been exchanged on, so others can check out your stories as well:

Immersion
Handyman
Armageddon Online - Escape

I'm game. Do you want a review here or on your fiction page? I prefer fiction page, with any particularly technical critiques here. My fiction:

http://www.royalroadl.com/fiction/7895/handyman

11/10/2017 6:49:34 PMVolos Wrote: [ -> ]I'm game. Do you want a review here or on your fiction page? I prefer fiction page, with any particularly technical critiques here. My fiction:

http://www.royalroadl.com/fiction/7895/handyman

I'd prefer it on my fiction page so that my readers can also see them easier.

I'll check out yours now.

11/10/2017 5:50:49 PMYung Wrote: [ -> ]

Immersion:

Hello everyone, I'm needing to get some in-depth feedback on current ongoing story. I'm willing and able to review your own work in return if you have any available. I would really benefit from any serious feedback before I start the next draft for the chapters already published. If you're interested in assisting me please list the story you'd like for me to leave a review on below and I'll take a look at it.

I'll edit and add in any stories here that reviews have been exchanged on, so others can check out your stories as well:

Immersion
Handyman

I've provided the in-depth review here and an advanced review on your page:

Overall: 4 stars. Plus for clearly written LitRPG, good stats, and good grammar. 1 star off for Chapter 1 exposition.

The good: The language is direct and easy to read. Tyr starts advancing right away and quickly gets right into the action. I like the character development that you started in Chapter 7 where we start to learn a bit more about the characters. 

Could use some work: The first chapter. Does not hook me. The main issue here is the data dump - show me don't tell me.  The entire chapter one is TLDR. We don't even learn about Tyr until Chapter 2. This is also a problem with your blurb. We get an explanation of the game but Tyr isn't even mentioned.

If you'd like to review mine please see the following link: Armageddon Online - Escape

@Yung,

The only other specific thought I have is in regards to the stats. They may present and read better if you put them into a single column table.

You might try that in a preview and see what you think. Personally, I've always found dropping in stats distracting from the story, but I understand that's a standard element of the genre.

I'm game.

http://royalroadl.com/fiction/14999/all-of-the-angels