RE: I'm willing to edit anyone's story description.

#61
HI!

I need some help. After not getting a lot of reads, I took a look at the basics- are the title and description interesting enough? I am worried the answer is NO. So, I am looking for some feedback on my description.

The story is a scifi LITRPG-lite (VRMMORPG). The short version of the story: There is a competition- the Space Opera VR Systems Challenge. The makes of the Space Opera VRMMORPG game invite graduate engineering students to create new VR hardware (for players).

To prove the equipment works, each team has to field a squad of players to use the gear. You can't win the competition if the gear doesn't work. You can't win the competition if the squad doesn't live long enough to prove the equipment
works.

For one team disaster strikes, the squad of players quits and joins a different team. Angie, team president has to put together a team and play the game. Most of the story takes place in game with a healthy dose of what is going on with the Engineers IRL.

In game there is action, adventure, intrigue, love, betrayal, death. IRL, Engineers face technical challenges, behind-the-scenes looks at the game & the people, and yes, some corporate espionage.


The original description (at the bottom of the post) is probably too long and not interesting enough. I've drafted two possible new descriptions (below)

I'm looking for any help you can give on improving the descriptions.

Many Thanks!


New Description Choice 1:
Angie’s heart started beating again. After the betrayal, she almost wished it wouldn’t. Angie had spent 6 years of her life getting ready for this moment, the moment the competition would start, the moment her team would prove they were the best. Now, instead of supervising the engineering team, she needed to lead a squad of in-game players. It would be hellish, but she would go through gaming hell to lead her team to victory in the Space Opera VR systems challenge.



New Description Option 2:
Game On!

The Galaxy is a dangerous place. An interstellar scout tempts death with each step on a feral planet. A human merchant haggles with a conniving four armed Skipth. A captain tries to find a new hyper-jump loop through the unstable galactic core. Intelligent beasts with big teeth and nasty tempers fight a squad of Marines.
In a far corner of the Space Opera galaxy, a planet is ready and waiting for 21 squads of players. These squads are playing in a special competition with brand new developmental VR hardware. The engineers have it easy, they have to keep the VR systems running in real life. The players have it hard- they have to win the scenario to prove the amazing new VR hardware really is great.

The game starts in t-minus 4 hours….


Old Description:
How do you get fame, fortune, mountains of money, and validation of your life?

Easy, win the Space Opera VR Systems Challenge.

How do you win the Space Opera VR Systems Challenge? Follow these 5 easy steps:

Step 1. You and your team spend years and years developing and refining a virtual reality system that interfaces perfectly with the most popular Sci-Fi VR MMORPG in the world Some would even say it is the most popular game in the world.

Step 2. Enter the Space Opera VR Systems Challenge and prepare to beat 20 other teams who all want to win the fame, fortune, mountains of money, and life validation. Throw that in the face of all of those geek haters.

Step 3. Find a squad of players who will play Space Opera using your amazing VR equipment. The game developers have even set aside a special quadrant of space for this challenge.

Step 4. Have your squad survive the game long enough to show off your fantastic VR equipment and seamless interface into Space Opera game. The judges and game developers are looking for the best of the best and your squad is the beta test. If your squad dies, you probably lose the competition. If your real world VR hardware breaks, you definitely lose the competition.

Step 5. Win the Space Opera VR Systems Challenge. All you have to do is impress the judges and game developers with spectacular equipment that is tested in the Space Opera game (see Step 4).
Remember if you lose, years and years of work and time ad sacrifice will go up in the smoke of failure. If you win, there are patent sales, lucrative job offers, the admiration of jealous peers, and the satisfaction of showing friends and parents that you have not wasted all of your college and grad school years in an engineering lab instead of having a thriving social life.

Note: In the event of catastrophic betrayal by your squad of players when they abandon you hours before the competition, please scramble to assemble a squad out of anybody you know and hopefully trust. Then return to Step 3.

Team Bloop never considered the possibility of betrayal until it happened. Years of work and effort all hinged on the squad that Team President Angie could assemble. Then all they would have to do is win.

RE: I'm willing to edit anyone's story description.

#65
For the story, 'Handyman': http://www.royalroadl.com/fiction/7895/handyman
Sorry for the long delay, you probably thought I forgot about your request, but I did not! There wasn't too much to go off of, but I hope you like it. Like always, you can use my version or some parts or you can take some inspiration. I do hope you consider my version at least.
---------------------------------------------
//Old Description

Real science is done on the edge of knowledge. If done correctly, you really are not certain of the outcomes. If done incorrectly, people can get hurt. This is the story of a researcher tossed across reality.
---------------------------------------------
//New Description

For some Scientists, the only true research is found at the edge of knowledge, but there’s no telling whose head may end up on the cutting-edge.

When greed and betrayal leave him without a path, a God comes down to greet him and gives him a second chance at life.

These setbacks are just one of his life's many lessons, but a good bit of luck may turn them into an opportunity to discover far greater things.

RE: I'm willing to edit anyone's story description.

#68
11/18/2017 6:53:26 AMthevillain67 Wrote: [ -> ]Hello, I would like an editor for the synopsis of my novel.

The link: The Untold Regalia

If you can, please PM me for the results. Thanks in advance!

The novel is on Hiatus.

I'll edit it when you come back.


11/25/2017 9:27:07 AMCassidy_Lilly Wrote: [ -> ]Hi, I think my description is pretty okay.  But I'd love to hear your thoughts!

http://royalroadl.com/fiction/14999/all-of-the-angels

Thanks

The novel is on Hiatus.

I'll edit it when you come back.


For the story, 'The Costa Brava Scenario ( formerly: Space Opera )': https://royalroadl.com/fiction/14852/space-opera
Sorry for the long delay, you probably thought I forgot about your request, but I did not! Since the time you requested for my assistance, I see you've improved your own description. I tried to improve your description, but my attempt came out worse than yours. So, I'm apologising because I'm not able to help you, you don't need it.

RE: I'm willing to edit anyone's story description.

#70
For the story, 'Apocalypse Era: The Lord of Dark World': https://royalroadl.com/fiction/16051/apocalypse-era-the-lord-of-dark-world
I quickly edited the description, I don't know if everything I've changed is correct. Like always, you can use my version or some parts or you can take some inspiration. I do hope you consider my version at least.
---------------------------------------------
//Old Description

Chen Qiang is a rich young man who was supposed to inherit his father legacy but that day destroying everything for him, his father legacy, his happiness, his sisters and all he has even his life. But now he got the chance to start over, Is he can prevent that day from seized all of which is precious to him?.
---------------------------------------------
//New Description

Chen Qiang life is perfect. He’s rich, young and set to inherit his father’s fortune and legacy. Truly, a perfect, fairy-tale life. A life so perfect, nothing could ruin it; well, almost nothing…

In the blink of an eye, it all disappears in fire and smoke. His father’s legacy, his sisters and even himself. The end of the world had come, but was it truly the only possible end?

Fate has granted him a second chance. He’s sent back in time and has only three years left to change fate and stop the oncoming apocalypse.

RE: I'm willing to edit anyone's story description.

#72
1/8/2018 8:46:41 AMDanetello Wrote: [ -> ]

For the story, 'The Costa Brava Scenario ( formerly: Space Opera )': https://royalroadl.com/fiction/14852/space-opera
Sorry for the long delay, you probably thought I forgot about your request, but I did not! Since the time you requested for my assistance, I see you've improved your own description. I tried to improve your description, but my attempt came out worse than yours. So, I'm apologising because I'm not able to help you, you don't need it.

Thank you!  Seeing a lot of your work on descriptions, I am flattered that you like it.  I appreciate you taking a look.

Thanks!

RE: I'm willing to edit anyone's story description.

#75
Hi my name is duurka in RRL and in real life as well. I really appresiating your help.

I writen few fics but almost all of them died because of my bad grammar but this time I writing this fiction carefully so please look into it description. I releasing one chapter per day for now.

https://royalroadl.com/fiction/16768/general-wife-of-dark-emperor-slow-witted-miss

RE: I'm willing to edit anyone's story description.

#77
K
3/1/2018 2:37:10 PMTanaka Tomoyuki Wrote: [ -> ]
2/25/2018 2:10:21 PMduurka Wrote: [ -> ]Hi my name is duurka in RRL and in real life as well. I really appresiating your help. 

I writen few fics but almost all of them died because of my bad grammar but this time I writing this fiction carefully so please look into it description. I releasing one chapter per day for now.

https://royalroadl.com/fiction/16768/general-wife-of-dark-emperor-slow-witted-miss

First, it's spelled as "appeciate" and not "appesiate." Replace the s with a c.

Your original synopsis:

Number 05, a super soldier created by unknown energy source, died after completing her mission and her soul attached to Qing Dao mainland’s Luo family’s useless eldest miss in another world.
This waste of the eldest miss not only can’t read or practice martial arts, has no brain, is arrogant, fat as a pig and big as mountains.
Because of she was hungry she emptied entire room of spirit medicine and died from an overdose.
Once she opens her eyes again everyone thought she still idiot doesn't know anything except eat.
But they don't know how she will change the history.

In the certain room.

Miss wearing armour. :“'The Emperor, How heavy is his taste, he’s still able to choose such a woman that only know to fight and eat ?' said one man is it true? Boss, what kind of woman you about to marry?”
Emperor: "Well she is an idiot but cute one and she is right front of me"
Miss wearing armour: "Can I met her, will she agree to marry a boss?"
Emperor gives a contract to miss: "I dunno but she will appear if you press your finger on this part of paper and read this vow aloud"
Miss wearing armour: "What is writing on paper ?"
Emperor: "Good general don't need to worry about small things like this just do what I say also I give you this sweet as reward"
*evil grin*
Miss wearing armour:"Okay~"

First all of all, remove that certain room scene. It does not belong to your synopsis. Even if you find it funny (and I honestly found it silly and was not amused at all), make that work in your story itself, and not show it off in your synopsis. People want to know what the story is about, and they can read it by clicking on your story. No point putting it in your synopsis - if anything, it'll turn people off.

Edited synopsis:

In the capital of the ancient Qing Dao Empire, the Luo Family has established their reputation as one of the most powerful clans in the mainland. However, their eldest daughter turns out to be the most useless miss in the empire. This waste of a human who occupies the status of the eldest miss not only is unable to read or practice martial arts, she also has not much of a brain, is arrogant, as fat as a pig and as big as a mountain.

Because she was hungry, she emptied an entire room of spirit medicine and died from an overdose.

Yet, even after she somehow managed to return to life, everyone continued to believe that she was the same old idiotic eldest miss who did not know how to do anything except eat.

However, the old eldest miss was no more. Having taken her place was Number 05, a supersoldier created by an unknown energy source, whose last memory was her death after failing her final mission. Having resigned herself to death, she opens her eyes, only to find herself reborn as the eldest miss of the Luo family in this new world of martial arts.

Number 05's reincarnation into the ancient empire of Qing Dao will change its history forever.

3/1/2018 1:51:35 PMsamspd71 Wrote: [ -> ]Please help me edit my novel’s description: https://royalroadl.com/fiction/16918/princess-knight

No.

Okay, just kidding.

Original synopsis:

After an unfortunate accident which caused Maria to lose her parents and end up with a bastard as an uncle, she takes her own life. However, god found pity in her actions and chooses to reincarnate her. Parts of her memories were locked away without her knowledge and all in order to protect her frail mind.

She awakens to the mantle of a princess of a small kingdom, vowing to protect both her kingdom and family, she decides to take on the mantle of a knight with her own hands.

This is the tale of a young girl finding herself within this new and strange world while also meeting new people along the way.

Edited synopsis:

Having lost her parents to an unfortunate accident, which led her to living with a bastard of an uncle, Maria takes her own life out of despair. However God pitied her (why her in particular and not millions of other suicide victims?) and chose to reincarnate her. Parts of her memories were locked away without her knowledge in order to protect her frail mind.

She awakens as a young princess of a small kingdom, that is under threat of invasion from its bigger neighbors. Vowing to protect both her kingdom and her newfound family, Maria decides to take on the mantle of a knight with her own hands. In doing so, she is determined to cope with the dangers and musterious of this new and strange world, while meeting new people who will forever change the course of her destiny.

--

Speaking of which, 12thGod asked for help, then never came back or responded after I edited his/her synopsis. He/she didn't change his/her synopsis at all even after more than two weeks. Sometimes I feel like I'm wasting my time.

Thank you very much for your help.