RE: I'm willing to edit anyone's story description.

#21
09/30/2017 18:22:06Gaiadarkstar Wrote: [ -> ]I actually paid someone for a book blurb, $5 and while it was better than my original it still didn't feel quite right.  Too many big words and it just didn't grab me as much as I'd hope.  They also used the word devil when I was keeping it as demon so if you could look at it that would really help.  Here it is.

Alexander Kent has many things going for him, but despite all his wonderful qualities, he still finds himself the target of bullies. The harshest of his many critics is the one who worries him the most: his father.

A near-tragic accident renders Alex incapacitated. As he hangs on death’s door, he’s visited by the unlikeliest of beings: a demon. Their unfathomable exchange becomes even more troubling when he’s offered a second chance at life… in exchange for use of his body by the devil himself.

Alex’s deal with the devil leads him into a hidden supernatural world, rife with mystery, danger, and a convoluted web of the worst the underworld has to offer. Now, he has no memory of his ill-fated deal and is desperate to break free of the hold the Demon King and his minions have on him, but escaping their clutches may prove to be more difficult than any battle he’s ever faced.

----It is a modern  supernatural fantasy.  Alexander Kent and Zeltis are both the MC and while it starts with Zeltis borrowing Alex's body to hunt demons to gather power for his revenge they slowly become partners and then friends.  Alex also meets a few others that join them.  Alex also starts to discover many hidden mysteries about his origin and later in the story a prophecy that could mean the end of the world as we know it. Or something along those lines.


I can't find a problem in the current description. If you want me to make changes, then you need to be more detailed in your needs for the description.

RE: I'm willing to edit anyone's story description.

#23
For the story 'Aloga'. https://royalroadl.com/fiction/14432/aloga
I tried to change the description in an attempt to stop it from sounding like it's the summary of a chapter. Most of the details I put in my attempt are pure speculation, so change them if they aren't correct. Still, I suggest you use my version as a framework at least. Your story is still at its starts so I didn't have much to go on. Here is my attempt.
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Confusion shines through Tommy’s deep blue eyes. He’s awoken in a strange new world. Accompanied by five other people, 2 boys and 3 girls, Tommy’s adventure has just begun. Tommy will encounter countless dangers and marvellous people. Follow Tommy as he tries to uncover the mysteries of this giant world, that’s shaped like a disk, and the Top God that transported them here.

RE: I'm willing to edit anyone's story description.

#25
For the story 'Avatar': https://royalroadl.com/fiction/14334/avatar-the-wild-lands
I cleaned up the description and rearranged the word order. I changed some of the miss-used prepositions and added much-needed commas. Overall, the description isn't bad, but the long drawn-out sentences made it jarring to read. I hope you consider the changes that I made to your description.
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The Raiders of the North Sea, in the name of the Spirits of the Deep, ravage the misty shores. The Empire of the Holy Flame’s serfs, hide in their fiefs of Fire Knights and guard themselves against the Dark Spirits that roam the wilds. The Caliphs in the East, leading their Holy Army, head towards the hopeless Heaven's Shrine. There, the beleaguered monks, listen as the Voice of the Wind predict the coming of a saviour. The saviour will teach harmony to a world that has forgotten peace.

This saviour is the Avatar. The ancient embodiment of balance. The Avatar, who wields the power of the four elements, will establish unity among the Four Nations and bring balance to humankind and spirits.

RE: I'm willing to edit anyone's story description.

#26
10/12/2017 12:53:10Danetello Wrote: [ -> ]For the story 'Avatar': https://royalroadl.com/fiction/14334/avatar-the-wild-lands
I cleaned up the description and rearranged the word order. I changed some of the miss-used prepositions and added much-needed commas. Overall, the description isn't bad, but the long drawn-out sentences made it jarring to read. I hope you consider the changes that I made to your description.
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The Raiders of the North Sea, in the name of the Spirits of the Deep, ravage the misty shores. The Empire of the Holy Flame’s serfs, hide in their fiefs of Fire Knights and guard themselves against the Dark Spirits that roam the wilds. The Caliphs in the East, leading their Holy Army, head towards the hopeless Heaven's Shrine. There, the beleaguered monks, listen as the Voice of the Wind predict the coming of a saviour. The saviour will teach harmony to a world that has forgotten peace.

This saviour is the Avatar. The ancient embodiment of balance. The Avatar, who wields the power of the four elements, will establish unity among the Four Nations and bring balance to humankind and spirits.


Thank you. I'll see what I can do.

Just one thing:

"There, the beleaguered monks"""",'""" listen as the Voice of the Wind predictS the coming of a saviour. "

Isn't your comma separating the subject from the verb of its sentence? Shouldn't there be an "s" after the verb to predict since it is at third-person present tense?

Also, do you want any sort of credit for your work? I feel bad for not giving back.

Here's the final version of your edit (I've fixed verbal cohesion and took away commas that separated subjects from verbs):

Stormy clouds hover over the Wild Lands. The Raiders of the North Sea, in the name of the Spirits of the Deep, ravage the misty shores. The Empire of the Holy Flame’s serfs hide in the fiefs of Fire Knights and guard themselves against the Dark Spirits that roam the wilds. The Caliph in the East, leading his Holy Army, heads towards the hopeless Heaven's Shrine. There, the beleaguered monks listen as the Voice of the Wind predicts the coming of a saviour. The saviour who will teach harmony to a world that has forgotten peace.

This savior is the Avatar, the ancient embodiment of balance: the one who wields the Four Elements to establish unity among the Four Nations, as well as between humankind and spirits.

(This is a non-profit fan-fiction. Avatar: The Last Airbender & Avatar: The Legend of Korra are a property of Nickelodeon, Michael Dante DiMartino and Bryan Konietzk. We support the official release)


Thank you again.

RE: I'm willing to edit anyone's story description.

#29
For the story 'Inquisitor: The Hunt': http://royalroadl.com/fiction/14586/inquisitor-the-hunt
I mostly expanded the vocabulary and tried to improve the description's flow. I tried to maintain the original atmosphere and improve it. Overall, the description wasn't bad so there wasn't too much to improve on. You can take parts from my version or the whole thing. Hell, you can disregard my version entirely. It's up to you. Still, I hope you consider the changes I made.
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A shroud of darkness hides the night. The sounds of battle echoes throughout. Steel on steel, clashing in the unknown. A clash of death, uncaring and unjust.

A band of mercenaries surround a mysterious figure clad in ragged black robes. Beneath its weathered cowl, two bloodshot eyes pierce the darkness. Finally, they’ve found him. The bastard who they’ve been searching for, for months.

When they accepted his mark, they were offered a wagon-sized pile of gold crowns; enough to make their jaws slam against the floor. They assumed it would be a tricky job, but never, even in their wildest dreams, did they dare imagine they would be hunting such a ruthless monster. A being, who the devil itself would snarl at beneath his breath.

Now, they’ve found him. That was their second mistake. The first being, accepting his mark. A series of mistakes they’d regret for the rest of their insignificant lives.


For the story 'Devil Princess Reincarnation': https://royalroadl.com/fiction/12145/devil-princess-reincarnation
Your description was grammatically and sentence wise perfect. This left me wondering how I can improve it, so I decided to take your description and rewrite it in my own style with some flair. Overall, I don't believe my edit is necessary, but maybe you can draw some inspiration from my version. It's up to you how you use my version.
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Of the Pine Family’s five children, Olivia Pine Fredirin was the most unremarkable. Born to a Ducal House in the Fredirin Kingdom, she was a naïve, sweet and timid girl. The type that’s completely unsuited to the hard world of royal politics.

However, half the truth is often a whole lie and only children and fools would believe what’s meets the eye. Olivia’s entire persona was fake, manufactured out of necessity. A way to maintain her life until her body grows strong enough to house her true soul.

Now, after seven years of waiting, she has finally awakened.

RE: I'm willing to edit anyone's story description.

#30
10/21/2017 07:42:39Danetello Wrote: [ -> ]For the story 'Inquisitor: The Hunt': http://royalroadl.com/fiction/14586/inquisitor-the-hunt
I mostly expanded the vocabulary and tried to improve the description's flow. I tried to maintain the original atmosphere and improve it. Overall, the description wasn't bad so there wasn't too much to improve on. You can take parts from my version or the whole thing. Hell, you can disregard my version entirely. It's up to you. Still, I hope you consider the changes I made.
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A shroud of darkness hides the night. The sounds of battle echoes throughout. Steel on steel, clashing in the unknown. A clash of death, uncaring and unjust.

A band of mercenaries surround a mysterious figure clad in ragged black robes. Beneath its weathered cowl, two bloodshot eyes pierce the darkness. Finally, they’ve found him. The bastard who they’ve been searching for, for months.

When they accepted his mark, they were offered a wagon-sized pile of gold crowns; enough to make their jaws slam against the floor. They assumed it would be a tricky job, but never, even in their wildest dreams, did they dare imagine they would be hunting such a ruthless monster. A being, who the devil itself would snarl at beneath his breath.

Now, they’ve found him. That was their second mistake. The first being, accepting his mark. A series of mistakes they’d regret for the rest of their insignificant lives.


For the story 'Devil Princess Reincarnation': https://royalroadl.com/fiction/12145/devil-princess-reincarnation
Your description was grammatically and sentence wise perfect. This left me wondering how I can improve it, so I decided to take your description and rewrite it in my own style with some flair. Overall, I don't believe my edit is necessary, but maybe you can draw some inspiration from my version. It's up to you how you use my version.
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Of the Pine Family’s five children, Olivia Pine Fredirin was the most unremarkable. Born to a Ducal House in the Fredirin Kingdom, she was a naïve, sweet and timid girl. The type that’s completely unsuited to the hard world of royal politics.

However, half the truth is often a whole lie and only children and fools would believe what’s meets the eye. Olivia’s entire persona was fake, manufactured out of necessity. A way to maintain her life until her body grows strong enough to house her true soul.

Now, after seven years of waiting, she has finally awakened.



Wow thank you, I love what you did with it. Eventually I'll rework it, but for now, I think I'll just stick with your version. hehe

RE: I'm willing to edit anyone's story description.

#37
For the story 'Cutthroat': http://royalroadl.com/fiction/14113/cutthroat
My aim was for a heroic and tragic feeling. I tried to convey the original description but during this process, I made a lot of assumption. Like always, you can use my version or some parts or you can take some inspiration. I do hope you consider my version at least.
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//Old Description

Four siblings were suddenly transported to the old world where magic still exists. In their quest to find each other and a way back home, they discover that their destiny lies with the old world. There, many people will join them in the ancient war that almost destroyed the old world and halt the creation of the new ones. Together, they will fight against greed, pride and the Dark God to shape the future of Eorth.

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//New Description

Four siblings, united through tragedy, wake in the Old World, a place filled magic and fantasy. In their quest to find each other and to locate a way back home, they will uncover a deep conspiracy.

Here, in the Old World, their destiny lies. A world wrought with danger and destruction.

They will fight for the New World and the Old, but they won’t stand alone. In the ancient war, that history has forgotten they will leave their eternal mark.

They will stand, not as delusional youths, but as heroes.

Through the annals of history, their legend will echo. A tale of unity through adversity. A tale of their struggle against the dark forces that aim to destroy. A struggle will shape the future of Eorth and the people that inhabit it.


For the story 'The Legendary All Jobs Book': https://royalroadl.com/fiction/14672/the-legendary-all-jobs-book
I only restructured the sentences and tried to improve the vocabulary. Like always, you can use my version or some parts or you can take some inspiration. I do hope you consider my version at least.
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//Old Description

This was the enormous Yulan continent, where humans could be said to have no limits. There was a group of humans here who could cultivate the power of their own souls then control their bodies, the natural elements and even other people’s souls with that power! These special beings were called — Soul Warriors.

Yin Yun was a young boy of 14 years old, one day he found a book called the "Legendary All Jobs Book", learning the Legendary All Jobs Book, Yin Yun aims to become a strong Soul Warrior.

Schedule: 1 or 2 chapters per week, maybe, even more, depending on my disponibility.

A/N: You probably might notice it, but this is a fanfiction. The story is inspired by other Xanhuan's world which is the reason why I put this story as a Fanfiction. This is the first story that I've made and I plan to complete the story.

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//New Description

The enormous Yulan continent, stretching further than the eye can see, harbours countless mysteries and fantastical beings.

Here, a group of humans cultivate the power of their souls and in tandem, control their bodies. Through this extraordinary power, they gain dominion over the natural elements and other people’s souls.

These unique individuals are known as Soul Warriors.

Yin Yun, a 14-year-old boy, discovers the "Legendary All Jobs Book". Armed with this mythical book, Yin Yun can finally fulfil his long-held desire.

Follow Yin Yun on his legendary journey to become the strongest Soul Warrior.

Schedule: 1 or 2 chapters per week, maybe, even more, depending on my disponibility.

A/N: As you might have noticed, this is a fanfiction. The story is inspired by other Xanhuan's world which is the reason why I am defining this story as a Fanfiction. This is the first story that I've made, and I do plan to complete it.

RE: I'm willing to edit anyone's story description.

#39
For the story 'Heroics of an Overlord': https://royalroadl.com/fiction/13309/heroics-of-an-overlord
Since the description was lacking, I played my favourite game, the assumption game. I might have gone a little overboard with the poetic components, but I feel it still conveys the original description's message. Like always, you can use my version or some parts or you can take some inspiration. I do hope you consider my version at least.
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//Old Description

The story revolves around a man who often day dreams about being so powerful and able to fix all world problems.

One day his dreams become true but not exactly how it was supposed to be, summoned to a strange world and now an overlord who is seen as the root of all evil, Eli will now plan to work in shadows to see if he could still achieve world peace in his new home. Will he really do so or will he fool around?

The story will take us in an adventure, suspense, comedy, misunderstanding, action and finally unleash a tale never heard before. A tale of a misunderstood hero who is also a demon lord.

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//New Description

To dream of the perfect world, without famine or injustice. A world unbound by the shackles of causality. But, is the profound dream delusional in nature, or an attainable goal worthy of lifelong dedication.

Alas, cruel is the gripes of reality.

Eli, after spending his days dreaming about this perfect world, is summoned to a strange new world. Heralded as an overlord, will Eli’s foolish dream finally see the light of day, or will this idealistic goal crumble under the pressure of society?

Follow the journey of this misunderstood overlord trying to better the world, one step at a time.