Re: I'm willing to edit anyone's story description.

#321
For the story 'The world traveler from the future': https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/33875/the-world-t
I mostly cleaned up the tenses and improved the flow of the sentences. I hope you like it. You can choose to use my version or take some inspiration from it, either work. Good luck with the writing.
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//Old

This is a spin-off of my main series, Immense Space.

Charles Barlow was an engineer in the Empire, until one day he woke up inside a cave. His artificial intelligence companion still with him, he finds himself surrounded by monsters and people from old fantasy literature.

The world itself following strange rules of magic and cultivation. Technology acting as if it was an artifact.

But he soon shook himself out of his stupor, a goal in his mind. Make this world into the perfect colony of the Empire, find a way to open a permanent portal, and finally annex this land.
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//New

This is a spin-off of my main series, Immense Space.


Charles Barlow was an engineer in the Empire. One day, he wakes up inside a mysterious cave. His artificial intelligence companion is still with him, but he’s surrounded by monsters and people from old fantasy literature.

The world itself follows the strange rules of magic and cultivation. Technology acts as if it’s an artifact.

He shakes himself out of his stupor; he has new a goal in mind. He will make this world into a perfect colony for the Empire, find a way to open a permanent portal, and finally annex this land in the name of the Emperor.

Re: I'm willing to edit anyone's story description.

#322
For the story ‘Monarchy of the Ancients’: https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/34184/monarchy-of-the-ancients
I tried to trim down the original text, as well as compact some of the sentences into a more compact structure. I didn’t read your book, so if I made any contextual mistake then I apologise. I hope you like it. You can choose to use my version or take some inspiration from it, either work. Good luck with the writing.
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//Old

Perhaps inheriting the Crown was a terrible idea.

Meet Phoenix, a teenager whose descendants were the royalty of the Kingdom of Raycania. One day, he received a letter from his father, telling him that he was retiring due to his old age, and Phoenix will inherit the Crown. Due to there being no other known descendants, he has to accept it.

As per tradition, the King of Raycania must find people to be the new Raycanian Mythics, with the King as the leader of the group. This group is tasked with defending the Kingdom from any harm. Phoenix decides to bring his old friends from his college days to be part of the Mythics.

It was all fun at first, but then trouble started to arise. Two mysterious people begin to threaten the peace of the kingdom.

It seems there were other reasons for his father to retire other than “old age.”
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//New

Perhaps inheriting the Crown was a terrible idea.


Phoenix, a teenager whose ancestors are the royalty of Raycania, receives a letter informing him of his ascension to the Crown. As the last remaining successor, he forced to accept his fate.

As per tradition, he must select the new Mythics, whom he will lead as King. This group is tasked with the defence of Raycania.

As two mysterious people begin to threaten peace, this selection becomes a matter of life or death.

It seems “old age” wasn’t the only reason for his father’s early retirement.

Re: I'm willing to edit anyone's story description.

#323

Danetello Wrote: For the story ‘Monarchy of the Ancients’: https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/34184/monarchy-of-the-ancients
I tried to trim down the original text, as well as compact some of the sentences into a more compact structure. I didn’t read your book, so if I made any contextual mistake then I apologise. I hope you like it. You can choose to use my version or take some inspiration from it, either work. Good luck with the writing.
---------------------------------------------
//Old

Perhaps inheriting the Crown was a terrible idea.

Meet Phoenix, a teenager whose descendants were the royalty of the Kingdom of Raycania. One day, he received a letter from his father, telling him that he was retiring due to his old age, and Phoenix will inherit the Crown. Due to there being no other known descendants, he has to accept it.

As per tradition, the King of Raycania must find people to be the new Raycanian Mythics, with the King as the leader of the group. This group is tasked with defending the Kingdom from any harm. Phoenix decides to bring his old friends from his college days to be part of the Mythics.

It was all fun at first, but then trouble started to arise. Two mysterious people begin to threaten the peace of the kingdom.

It seems there were other reasons for his father to retire other than “old age.”
---------------------------------------------
//New

Perhaps inheriting the Crown was a terrible idea.


Phoenix, a teenager whose ancestors are the royalty of Raycania, receives a letter informing him of his ascension to the Crown. As the last remaining successor, he forced to accept his fate.

As per tradition, he must select the new Mythics, whom he will lead as King. This group is tasked with the defence of Raycania.

As two mysterious people begin to threaten peace, this selection becomes a matter of life or death.

It seems “old age” wasn’t the only reason for his father’s early retirement.

Thank you so much! This is so much better than mine!  peolove

Re: I'm willing to edit anyone's story description.

#327

Danetello Wrote:
Nyxorian Wrote: I'd be grateful if you could take a look at mine. I'm satisfied with it, but having another set of eyes on it would be wonderful.
In my opinion, your description seems fine. Any improvement that you could make to it would require a complete rewrite of the description but I don't believe that's necessary. Sorry, I can't be of more help.


Thank you, regardless! I'm glad you could take the time to give me a second opinion!

Re: I'm willing to edit anyone's story description.

#329
Hello, it's awesome that you're doing this.



This was my first description:

The story of a little monster trying to find her way in a world where she doesn't quite belong.



This is the one I replaced it with:


This is the story of a little monster pushed into a world where she understands nothing and wants to understand everything.

Born as one of many, she finds herself unlike those around her, brimming with curiosity at all the simple wonders that fill the waking world.


Join her on her journey as she faces challenges and encounters amazing new experiences that expand her world from such small beginnings. 




Here's my story:

https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/34473/shade-touched


I'm still not really satisfied with it.

Any help is greatly appreciated! 



Thank you!

Re: I'm willing to edit anyone's story description.

#332
Hey, this sounds really cool! I could use some help here:  https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/34542/the-morgulon


Two other versions  I considered: 

"Seventeen year old Greg is the youngest son of the famous Baron Bram Feleke, the most accomplished werewolf hunter in the country. Greg’s three older brothers David, Andrew and Nathan have been hunting with him for years to earn both fortune and glory, but Greg is left behind over and over again. Until, just two days before the biggest hunt of the decade, Andrew breaks his arm, and Greg finally gets to take his place in the line.

It’s a bad idea, David thinks. This is not a good pack for an untested hunter to face. But they need another beater, and there is no one else to take Andrew’s place, so he doesn’t talk their father out of it.
Disaster strikes that night, and Greg suddenly finds himself running for his life. To escape the Inquisition, and possibly his own family, he joins a crew of railway navvies who are building a line through forests infested with the Rot, the corrupting residue of dark magic that creates monsters possibly more terrifying than even a werewolf." 
 



There is no creature more evil in all the sacred lands of the holy Empire than the werewolves of Loegrion. They may look human in daylight, and some may even talk, but do not let them fool you. Their souls have long been consumed by darkness, and when shadows fall, you will soon face a terrible monster: A wolf, as big as a horse, with a rugged coat as strong as any armour, paws as big as a bear’s, and a huge maw filled with gleaming, cursed teeth, eternally hungry for human flesh, and intend to spread its own curse.
It is the will of our one and only God, Lord Mithras, and his First Servant on Earth, the sublime Roi Solei, that these foul creatures be destroyed wherever they may roam. But be warned if you would take up the holy cause: These demons do not die easily. Faith is your best armour in the face of such corruption, temperance your best protection against depravity. In the face of darkness, courage is your best weapon, and when the monster rushes you, resort to patience.
 
The church had it, of course, all backwards. When a werewolf came rushing, patience was the last thing needed, but rather quick wits and silver-tipped bolts. Courage was all well and good, but faith never stopped a werewolf’s teeth. Greg would know: His family has hunted werewolves for generations, and it’s finally his turn to pick up the crossbow.

 

Re: I'm willing to edit anyone's story description.

#333

boudreaubooks Wrote: Thank you for doing this! I’d really appreciate some help with mine. I was told it wasn’t good by someone else on this website, so I’m open an overhaul! Here’s the link to my fiction:

https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/34435/celestial-trinity


This book hasn't been updated in over 2 weeks and thus the request won't be considered. We'll revisit it once you've begun updating again.

Re: I'm willing to edit anyone's story description.

#334
For the story, 'Arthur and the Mystery of Reincarnation': https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/30253/arthur-and-the-mystery-of-reincarnation

So I've often heard advice that rather than saying "Mr. XYZ who lives in Blahblah land, realizes..." its' far better to describe the person's field/focus of operation along with what the story entails. For example, "A renowned physicist discovers that the rules of our reality are more flexible than anyone realized and..."
Please take from my suggested summary whatever you like :) and good luck with your story!

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//Old Summary

“In the end, we only regret the chances we didn't take...”
28-year-old Arthur Mondragon lived a satisfying life. He had a happy family and a promising career ahead of him. However, everything began to fall apart when the love of his life announced her engagement to a different man. A few months after her wedding, the girl tragedically died at the hands of her husband.
Heartbroken and filled with regret, Arthur made poor decisions one after another, resulting in his untimely death. When he woke up, he found himself in the magical world of Cleo.
Arthur and the Mystery of Reincarnation follows Arthur as he ventures through the world of Cleo, trying to understand the mystery behind his reincarnation. However, the road will not be easy as he tumbles through turbulent events in Cleo, over and over again.

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//New Summary

Dying has a way of putting things into perspective. Regrets, past shames, the dreams you didn't even try to fulfill.

When the love of his life announced her engagement to another man, Arthur Mondragon was crushed. The icing on top of the cake? Her husband murdered her a few months into their marriage. Distraught and filled with regret, Arthur spiraled into unhealthy behaviors, which resulted in his early death as well.

But death was only the beginning. 
Arthur gets reincarnated into a magic filled world called Cleo. Magical and full of conflict, Arthur ventures out into Cleo, trying to understand the reason for his reincarnation while staying alive. 

Re: I'm willing to edit anyone's story description.

#335
For the story, 'Tethered': https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/33867/tethered

Your author's notes in the synop are pretty fun to read, though I personally would recommend condensing them down to the funniest and most relevant bits.
Good luck with your story! If there are any funky bits in the summaries I suggest, please excuse me, as I've spent so long  poring over them I'm not sure what I'm reading anymore >.< Use them as you like!

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//Old Summary

Noah Fel was a [Ritualist] for the Collegium.

As a professor, his daily routine consisted largely of grading papers, writing apprentice recommendations, and helping to ensure that his students didn't blow themselves up.

Truly, it was a rewarding job.

Now, displaced from his home in the after-effects of a ritual gone wrong, follow Fel on a fantasy world adventure!


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//New Summary

Professor Noah Fel's record was perfect.
No student in his [Ritualist] course had ever gotten hurt. They considered him a genius of the practice.
But handing explosive reagents to students was bound to go wrong at some point, right? When a safety protocol is disturbed, Fel's life is turned upside down.
Though there were no explosions, the results of the mess up were decidedly worse.
Fel is transported to a distant place, his entire life's worth of levels and skills lost. With no clue where he is, and no survival skills (he's an academic, not an adventurer!) Fel will have to navigate his new surroundings to try to find a way home and regain his lost magical mastery.

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//Alternative New Summary (I actually read some of Tethered a while back)

[Ritualist] Professor Noah Fel loves his job at the Collegium. Grading papers about explosive reagents and and then putting the theory into action is awesome. Apprentice placement, not  so much, but every job has its boring bits.
During an exam a student screws up a safety protocol in place, managing to kill himself and ruin his professor's life in one misstep.
It isn't that the Collegium would fire Professor Fel over the incident--they have insurance against such mistakes--but a byproduct of the magic buildup during the ritual transports Professor Fel to a distant place, distorting his abilities. Levels reset and and skills lost, Fel will have to navigate this strange new place while trying to find his home and regain his mastery over magic.
The biggest obstacle? Professor Fel is an academic, no seasoned adventurer...and then there's that bizarre class he's gained. What exactly is a Simulcrum? 

Re: I'm willing to edit anyone's story description.

#337
For the story, 'Shade Touched': https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/34473/shade-touched

Your cover is really awesome! Please take from my rewrites whatever you like, and good luck with your story! :)
------
//Old Summary

This is the story of a little monster pushed into a world where she understands nothing and wants to understand everything.

Born as one of many, she finds herself unlike those around her, brimming with curiosity at all the simple wonders that fill the waking world.

Join her on her journey as she faces challenges and encounters amazing new experiences that expand her world from such small beginnings. 

-------
//New Summary

A monster births a litter, and one of her little darlings is not like the others. 
With a mind that yearns for more than just hunting the next kill, this newborn monster wants to know the why of the world she inhabits.
A world waits to be explored.
The pursuit of knowledge begins.
 
------
//New Summary Two

A monster is born in the depths of the wilds, but she isn't like her siblings. 
Curiosity colors her every thought, and a hunger for understanding grows within this little creature.
She's not just hunting her next meal anymore. Her prey is something far greater: knowledge.
Everything is a wonder waiting to be discovered.



Re: I'm willing to edit anyone's story description.

#338

SomethingNew Wrote: For the story, 'Shade Touched': https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/34473/shade-touched

Your cover is really awesome! Please take from my rewrites whatever you like, and good luck with your story! :)
------
//Old Summary

This is the story of a little monster pushed into a world where she understands nothing and wants to understand everything.

Born as one of many, she finds herself unlike those around her, brimming with curiosity at all the simple wonders that fill the waking world.

Join her on her journey as she faces challenges and encounters amazing new experiences that expand her world from such small beginnings. 

-------
//New Summary

A monster births a litter, and one of her little darlings is not like the others. 
With a mind that yearns for more than just hunting the next kill, this newborn monster wants to know the why of the world she inhabits.
A world waits to be explored.
The pursuit of knowledge begins.
 
------
//New Summary Two

A monster is born in the depths of the wilds, but she isn't like her siblings. 
Curiosity colors her every thought, and a hunger for understanding grows within this little creature.
She's not just hunting her next meal anymore. Her prey is something far greater: knowledge.
Everything is a wonder waiting to be discovered.

Wow. Those are both great. Thank you so much for your help!