RE: First Line of a Story

#41
9/3/2015 7:00:18 AMDarkD Wrote: [ -> ]Pretty much everything I'm gonna say below is minor or I'm not sure about it myself, but my as well tell you how I see it.  

If you feel strongly about the however, you could join it with the last paragraph and make it.  

"Certainly, it was no time for a lady to be trawling the dark alleys of the city, but that was exactly what our poor Miss Duwar was doing."

I get the feeling that your story is written like a diary entry.  It's filled with opinions, and characterized speech.  It sounds very nice, but if that's not what you're intending to do, then it may turn into a problem down the road.  

For example, you use the word "poor" to describe Miss Duwar?  Using the narrator to tell the reader their opinions is an example of the bad kind of telling. Remember, when the narrator has an opinion, it's telling. If it was a diary entry, it's fine, but a standard narrator, I'm not so sure anymore. It's fine right now, but later on...

I held back on this before because I wasn't really sure about it, and I'm still not sure about it, but I don't believe the narrator is supposed to know the name of a character until it's been implied through dialog.  

For instance, this

"However, that was exactly what our poor Miss Duwar was doing."

would be

"However, that was exactly what a certain woman was doing."

Yeah, that was my intention. I like making narrations with flavor to them.

RE: First Line of a Story

#42
Then I think you need to word it to sound more like a diary as well. In this line

Quote:However, that was exactly what our poor Miss Duwar was doing.

Get rid of the word "our". Diaries aren't something you ever plan on sharing with anybody, so the narrator is just writing their own thoughts on the matter. With the word "our" it sounds like the diary is being written as a report to someone else. Or it could also work if the narrator is kinda crazy and thinks the diary is a person whom can be communicated with through diary entries.

RE: First Line of a Story

#43
9/3/2015 8:49:49 AMDarkD Wrote: [ -> ]Then I think you need to word it to sound more like a diary as well.  In this line

Quote:However, that was exactly what our poor Miss Duwar was doing.

Get rid of the word "our".  Diaries aren't something you ever plan on sharing with anybody, so the narrator is just writing their own thoughts on the matter. With the word "our" it sounds like the diary is being written as a report to someone else.  Or it could also work if the narrator is kinda crazy and thinks the diary is a person whom can be communicated with through diary entries.

It's not really a diary entry though. It's more like the narrator is telling the story to the readers.

RE: First Line of a Story

#45
My phone glowed to life as I swiped a finger across its surface. The clock that served as the home screen ticked away, a large display above the analogue clock showing the time in clear green digits. It was a half past ten. ‘An hour left.

I sighed and slipped the phone back into my pocket and leaned back into the uncomfortable seat. Two more hours until I landed in Japan. ‘You can make it, it’s only an hour more.

My fingers wrapped tightly around the handle of my seat. It wasn’t that I was afraid of planes or hated flying. Far from it in fact. I rather enjoyed watching the clouds sail underneath me like willowy wispy fish against an ocean of blue sky

Well that's the first few lines to my story. How is it?

RE: First Line of a Story

#46
9/10/2015 9:13:45 AMSoraton Wrote: [ -> ]My phone glowed to life as I swiped a finger across its surface. The clock that served as the home screen ticked away, a large display above the analogue clock showing the time in clear green digits. It was a half past ten. ‘An hour left.

I sighed and slipped the phone back into my pocket and leaned back into the uncomfortable seat. Two more hours until I landed in Japan. ‘You can make it, it’s only an hour more.

My fingers wrapped tightly around the handle of my seat. It wasn’t that I was afraid of planes or hated flying. Far from it in fact. I rather enjoyed watching the clouds sail underneath me like willowy wispy fish against an ocean of blue sky

Well that's the first few lines to my story. How is it?

1. I sighed and slipped the phone -  Suggestion: Take out the sigh

2. He thinks: An hour left... then narrator states there were two hours till landing, then he thinks only an hour more again...so an hour left till what exactly? I'm already confused! Unless that's just how he convinces himself it is shorter than it is supposed to be... *shrugs* I'm lost.

3. It wasn’t that I was afraid of planes or hated flying. Far from it in fact. I rather enjoyed watching the clouds sail underneath me like willowy wispy fish against an ocean of blue sky Little wordy...Change to: I wasn't afraid of planes, I enjoyed watching...

RE: First Line of a Story

#47
9/10/2015 10:16:18 AMChiisutofupuru Wrote: [ -> ]
9/10/2015 9:13:45 AMSoraton Wrote: [ -> ]My phone glowed to life as I swiped a finger across its surface. The clock that served as the home screen ticked away, a large display above the analogue clock showing the time in clear green digits. It was a half past ten. ‘An hour left.

I sighed and slipped the phone back into my pocket and leaned back into the uncomfortable seat. Two more hours until I landed in Japan. ‘You can make it, it’s only an hour more.

My fingers wrapped tightly around the handle of my seat. It wasn’t that I was afraid of planes or hated flying. Far from it in fact. I rather enjoyed watching the clouds sail underneath me like willowy wispy fish against an ocean of blue sky

Well that's the first few lines to my story. How is it?

1. I sighed and slipped the phone -  Suggestion: Take out the sigh

2. He thinks: An hour left... then narrator states there were two hours till landing, then he thinks only an hour more again...so an hour left till what exactly? I'm already confused! Unless that's just how he convinces himself it is shorter than it is supposed to be... *shrugs* I'm lost.

3. It wasn’t that I was afraid of planes or hated flying. Far from it in fact. I rather enjoyed watching the clouds sail underneath me like willowy wispy fish against an ocean of blue sky Little wordy...Change to: I wasn't afraid of planes, I enjoyed watching...

Ooo, the hour thing was a mistake which I've fixed. And thanks for the critique. I'll be sure to try and change some things around.

RE: First Line of a Story

#48
Ok I recently felt like the first line I thought was amazing and that I posted here before(you guys said it was fine I think) wasn't quit good enough so I wanted to redo it.  I will first post the original one and then the new one and I want to know which one is best and if neither is how to do better and if one is decent if there are ways to improve it.

--Screeching tires and shattering glass cut through the daily traffic noise, only to end in a deadly cold silence.  Blood poured freely from the wound on Alex's head, matting his hair that was splayed across the ground.  The light in his blue eyes died as his heartbeat slowed, and then stopped.--
(ok this is the first version that I felt was dramatic and such but somehow felt something was missing.  Plus I just noticed that it is like third person omniscient instead of just third person which is how most of the book is.)

--Alexander Kent was flying through the air, the wind pummeling him as he went.  As soon as he had been thrown airborne he had panicked and screamed, wind milling his arms as if trying to somehow stop his descent. Time seemed to slow down as the ground was coming closer.  Realizing his wild flailing would not actually help, he tried to curl up into a ball but the ground met him before he could do much.  With a crunch, crack, and snap he slammed into the unforgiving ground.  The flash of intense pain was thankfully brief before he blacked out. --
(still feels dramatic and interesting for a first line but is also know more from Alexes point of view.  So I would love some feedback on these openers.)

RE: First Line of a Story

#49
--Alexander Kent went flying through the air, the wind pummeling(<<okay, so how did he feel this exactly?) him as he went.  As soon as he had been thrown airborne h He had panicked and screamed, wind milling his arms as if trying to somehow stop his descent. Time seemed to slow down as the ground was coming closer.  Realizing his wildly until he hit the ground with flailing would not actually help, he tried to curl up into a ball but the ground met him before he could do much.  With a crunch, crack, and snap he  and slammed into the unforgiving ground.  The flash of intense pain was thankfully brief before he blacked out. --

Less is more, no?
(Sorry, had to put my minimalist style to this, haha.
Here, for reference: http://royalroadl.com/forum/showthread.php?tid=52998