Here are my stories accepted so far (you can review any story you find on my profile);
How long has it been already… I lost track of the time long ago… Perhaps a week? A month? Or maybe even a year? Why not thousands of years!? Why is this happening to me!? Why am I here, what purpose my existence have in this God forsaken place? No, what purpose does my existence have as a whole? What is the point of existing if you cannot even feel the most basic emotions? How am I even sentient? Why do I have all this information about emotions, morals and communication? All I have ever known is this… Whiteness! This perpetual loop of boredom, this emptiness, this cursed everlasting nothingness.
I don’t know how I have come to be, or even why. I simply came to be in this place. Every direction I look at, I can only see white, white, white everywhere! No sounds, no scents, nothing except white! Is this some kind of a sick prank the Gods are playing on me? Are they that bored with monitoring their world!? Why do you do this to me? No… How do I even know what a God is? It really is bugging me, how do I have all this information about things that I have never encountered or seen? Ah, why do I even care, it’s not like it will help me in anyway even if I knew…
It’s been who knows how many… well units of time.. What even is time? Isn’t it just a man-made conception to help us understand even the most basic principle of the universe? Does time really exist? Does what have happened in the past really exist? Is the future a thing? Maybe only the present exists? Maybe I have been in here only for a couple of seconds? Or for an eternity, but then again, does something that is truly eternal exist? I doubt it, but as far as I know, perchance, my existence is too lowly to understand such concept as eternity. After all, all I have ever know is this stupid prick of a whiteness! AT LEAST TALK TO ME!
Well at the very least I don’t feel bad emotions such as hate, grief, wrath and so on, neither do I feel pain.. Or is this a bad thing? Do I want to feel pain and anguish or just don’t feel anything at all? Is it better to not feel anything? If I feel pain and anguish I would at least know that I am alive, right? Yes… please! Make me feel something! MAKE ME FEEL PAIN! I CAN’T STAND THIS NOTHINGNESS ANYMORE!
I’ve stopped caring alot time ago. All I feel now is, well, nothing. Just like everything around me. No emotion, no thoughts, nothing.. I just exist, perhaps, for someone’s entertainment. I wonder, do they feel a sense of fulfilment by watching me break? Is it a good feeling? I want to know, maybe I will try it out if I ever get the chance… But for know.. I will simply keep existing, without a thought nor an emotion.. Just existing.
In this place of nothingness, of everlasting whiteness and boredom, you could see nothing, you could hear nothing. Nothing, except the rumblings of a mind, of a consciousness just drifting around without a purpose, without ever experiencing anything else beside emptiness.
Some might ask how has it not broken already? It has… Who wouldn’t break from being in an almost conscious state, only being able to rationally think, without ever experiencing anything, for an eternity? It has broken alright, the question is how much and is it repairable.
~Another couple of eternities later.
So the problem with this type of opening is....it's bland.
I'd much rather prefer a protagonist with SOME backstory than one with no backstory at all. Why don't you just leave it out to fill it in later on? It's what I do.
If you really need to convey the blank-space experience, a single paragraph is all that's needed. No need to keep repeating the same thing.
A change is happening. For the first time in ever. A distortion in the whiteness seems to be the object of attraction. For the consciousness stirs up, for the first time in eternity.
What? What is happening? What is this!?
Baffled of what is happening the consciousness looks at the distortion without any words to express its feelings.
Wait? Shock? Am I experiencing shock? An emotion? For the first time.. IN MY EXISTENCE I AM EXPERIENCING AN EMOTION? And it’s a neutral one!
Seems like the shock of experiencing a shock was too much on the fragile mind of the consciousness. It has forgotten about the perpetrator of its knew emotion, the distortion of the space in front of it.
No, I need to focus, what is this? A distortion of the space… How do I even react? I mean it’s the first time I’ve seen something else other than the whiteness. Will it hurt me? Or will it not? Perhaps it will save me from this whiteness! A savior!
With a new sense of hope the consciousness looks forward to the full construction of this distortion. It finds itself with a new emotion again, curiosity. And with it , hand in hand, comes the strive to quench the thirst of this curiosity. What shall happen when the distortion forms, will it be bad, or perhaps, good? If it consciousness had a material body, It would be shaking from excitement.
After about 5 minutes the distortion finally formed. 5 minutes, judging from an objective observation, however for the consciousness these 5 minutes bordered with eternity. Which talks a lot if we take to mind that it has already spent what a normal being would call eternity in the whiteness.
What was left after the distortion’s formation was a purple wisp of swirling energy. One could feel the gravity around the wisp change and deform, as if trying to pull everything slowly, but surely towards the wispy energy. Like a mini black hole.
This.. This is so exciting! The first.. Well second thing, if we count out the distortion, that I have ever seen! What exactly is this tiny ball of purpleness, I want to know! Let’s see now.. Can I even move? Let’s try it!
It’s working! Yes, alright let’s try and get to that purple ball and find out what exactly it is.
The consciousness’ imaginational
I don't think imaginational is a word. Did you mean imaginary?
Also, too verbose. You don't really need to say things like "5 minutes, judging from an objective observation, however for the consciousness these 5 minutes bordered with eternity. Which talks a lot if we take to mind that it has already spent what a normal being would call eternity in the whiteness. ". Actually it doesn't even make sense. A mind that has spent an eternity in whiteness wouldn't even perceive 5 minutes. 5 minutes should pass in an instant for him.
body started moving towards the swirling energies of the purple wisp, ignorant to what it may be, but way to excited to think rationally about all the possible bad outcomes of touching the wisp. Perhaps an eternity in doing nothing really do take a huge toll on one’s mind.. Especially if all one has is a mind.
Finally I am in front of this ball! I feel.. I feel a tiny tug on my being, as if this purpleness is calling out to me.. Captivating me.. Inviting me to it’s warm and full of hope embrace.. I want it! I WANT IT!
Thus, as if bewitched by the misty purple ball, the consciousness reaches out with it’s imaginary hand towards the ball, however, right before it could touch the wisp, a voice boomed throughout the whiteness.
A voice, neither male nor female, neither young nor old, neither loud nor quiet, neither noble nor undignified, neither modest nor arrogant.
Soon after the misty ball of purple disappeared, together with the thoughts of the lone, drifting consciousness. This other-worldy voice was the very last thing that was head in this empty world, void of anything else other than whiteness.
Mysterious cliffhanger. Where's the voice from? Guess we'll find out next chapter.
It is cliched btw, but the biggest problem is it's random and comes out of nowhere.
The nightly wildlife had just finished it’s 12 hour cycle. The daily creatures were stirring, sounds of paws and alike hitting the dirt floor, littered with leaves and branches, could be heard everywhere. A musical orchestra could be heard in the background, created by the songs of the various birds, battling each other using the power of their vocal chords to win over the females.
A lush greenery as far as eyes could see. Never ending forest life with colossal dark brownish trees. Here in this wilderness, in the middle of the daily life of it’s inhabitants a rude interruption occurred.
A distortion in the middle of the forest spontaneously appeared. Then with a huge bang an explosion occurred in place of the distortion, creating a huge cloud of dirt particles that was at least 20 meters in radius.
After the dirt cloud dissipated a huge crater could be seen, long at least a few meters in each direction. In the middle of this newly formed crater laid a naked figure. At first glance it seemed male. Black hair, void of all colour flowed unprevented to his shoulders, skin white and pure as a pearl with a muscular, but lean build. What one could notice after further observation of the naked body is that it lacked reproductive organs. The body’s crotch was perfectly smooth, lacking even the smallest bump.
A couple of hours passed until the figure finally started to gain consciousness. By that time the wildlife of the rain forest had returned to its’ normal activity, some insects were even trying to scale the laying naked body, as if it’s a great mountain waiting to be conquered.
Ah, what was that… Where am I? Is this.. Is this a forest? It’s so beautiful!
The laying man found himself shedding a single tear. It is, after all, the first time the man has seen anything else beside the purple wisp! How could he not cry even a little?
He spent an eternity in whiteness. He should have lost all his emotions already. He shouldn't even be capable of crying.
" Never ending forest life with colossal dark brownish trees." you probably want to leave out the "life" in that sentence.
But good description of forest.
Damn it, every part of my body hurts! Wiat.. body? I have a body? Well this feeling is a welcomed novelty!
This sentence feels a little awkward - in particular the phrase "a welcomed novelty". Also you spelled wait wrong.
He proceeded with feeling every part of his body, numerous times, as if to make sure it is not just an illusion created to escape the reality of the everlasting whiteness. Fortunately for the man it seemed that what is happening is indeed the reality.
I can’t believe it, I am finally out of that wicked place! And I even have a body! Can this day get any better!? Wait a second, something seems to be missing!
After a couple of minutes trying to find out why he’s feeling as if something is missing, the man finally came to a conclusion!
I don’t have an reproductive organ? Does that mean that I am neither female or male? Or does it mean I am both? No it definitely is the former. I do, for some reason, feel like a male. Well from now on let it be known that I am a male!
Saying that I realize that I actually do not have a name. Well I never really needed one in my previous place of living. However judging from the information coded into my being every sentient and self aware being has a name to identify itself with.
WHAT? "the information coded into my being"? You need to explain this.
I still do not know my race, however, that won’t stop me from creating a name for myself! Let’s see, a good name that the whole world shall soon enough know! A name that shall be everlasting through the ages!
“Tethus! From now on, I shall be Tethus."
The man screamed with all his might!
Yes! A name, one of the things that I have always wanted! Unfortunately I didn’t find any point in creating a name for myself in the whiteness, after all why would one need a name if he is not going to ever use it? But that is no more.
The nameless floating consciousness is no more. Tethus replaced it!
This makes no sense. Where does "Tethus" come from? You need to explain where he gets the name from after living for an eternity in white space.
After the man proudly proclaimed his name, he thought best to start moving away from his place of appearing. His common sense finally kicked it, telling him that he’s not taking a stroll in a park. In the contrary! He is in the middle of a huge rain forest which ,for all he knew, can be the home to huge and bloodthirsty beasts and monsters.
Judging by the crater created by my… Appearance , it should’ve created quite the loud bang. I need to move and I need to do it fast! Who knows may be coming for me.
Without wasting any more time Tethus got up on his legs and started slowly walking. It took him some time before he could adjust to his new legs and walking, but finally he was confident enough to start jogging. All he could think of at the moment was how to get as far away from the crater in the smallest amount of time.
Damn it, what is wrong with this forest? I can’t move without a plant touching my skin. I cannot deny though, that it is incredibly beautiful! Simply gorgeous. The sheer denseness of the foliage, the rich colours, the thousands of noises, it had all crashed over me as refreshing as any waterfall, not that I know how refreshing a waterfall is, but judging from my information, it should be quite refreshing!
It’s simply… otherworldly! I cannot get enough of it! My wide-open eyes move with pointless speed! I want to see and experience everything! From the brown-black dirt on the floor, the broken branches of the treesh, the trees themselves, to the blue sky, which I can barely see because he enormous green tree tops are in the way. I want to experience it all!
These do not sound like the thoughts of a person who has been living in whiteness for eternity. More like the thoughts of someone who has been living in a prison for a while and then put into hibernation.
Bombarded with different scenes and emotions Tethus’ brain was working overtime to perceive and process all that information! His senses were overridden, setting his mind to a state similar to a chemical soup, just like the one a normal being feels when it falls in love!
Please do not misuse scientific terminology. Just say "he felt in love with nature".
Having lost himself in his own mind, thinking about all the things he wants to experience and see in this new world, Tethus was not able to notice the sudden darkening of his surroundings.
It seems like he was going into a denser part of the rain forest. Trees, bigger than before were sprouting from the ground. Comparing them with the trees that Tethus first encountered when he came to this world would be like comparing royal spirals that soar through the sky with the common brick and wood cottages of the normal population! Truly insignificant existences in front of these colossal treesh!
You misspelled trees. And you really do not need to spend so many words on describing bigger trees.
The shadows cast by their tops filled the ground completely. Not even a single ray of light could make it’s way down to the dirt!
What has happened? How did I manage to get myself this deep into the forest? Did I choose the wrong way? Instead of getting closer to an exit, I wandered deeper into the forest. Damn my luck!
Honestly, I can barely see anymore! But I do not want to go back, chances are that the forest’s beast are already swarming the crater… What do I do!?
After a couple of minutes of industriously trying to come up with a solution to his current problem Tethus finally had a bulb in his mind to light up.
Okay, I think the best course of action is to try and go back, at least to the border that separates the denser part of the forest and the less denser part. From there on I will run as far as I can away from both the crater and the denser section.
Yes, that’s a good plan! It’d rather risk it and go back than continue to go deeper into this dense section, who knows what lives down here.
Alrighty, back we go!
What does he plan to do? You need to explain the plan better. Like, why he thinks it's a good idea, etc.
A viscous roar reverberate throughout the close vicinity. Scaring everything, from insects to bigger mamm?ls, all there could be heard were the stompings of their hooves.
What in God’s name was that!? It sounded quite scary.. God damn my luck, I should’ve come up with my plan faster. Judging from the reaction of the nearby wildlife I do not want to encounter the source of the roar. Only one thing left to do!
Tethus’ legs and arms started working at 110% as he tried to make his way deeper into the denser part of the forest, in an attempt to run away from the source of the voice.
Or he could have played dead. Or climbed up a tree.
Does he actually make decisions? Or just run away from stuff that scares him?
In the sickly sweet aroma of the resident animals, Tethus is unable to savour even a second. Each moment, each beautiful scene untreasured until he can get himself to safety. All he could think of is safety.
Not long after starting to run, though, he started realizing that if what created that roar really was a predator of this forest, then he has no chance of out running it nor could he hide from it’s boosted animalistic senses!
No! There has to be a way to lose it! I cannot fall prey to a lowly beast in the first hour of my meaningful life! I need to, no, I CAN think of something to get me out of its sensory radius! Think Tethus, think!
Just was Tethus was racking his brain, trying to think of a way out of this mess, as if like a helping hand from the universe itself, Tethus found what he was looking for! He found himself stepping in a tiny stream of water flowing through the thick dirt and leaves.
I this.. Water? Water in a dense forest? Wait! Doesn’t that mean that there should be a bigger body of water such as a wake or a river nearby? This is my chance! Yes, thank you God! But do not think that this makes up for the eternity I spent in the whiteness! I still hate you with everything I have!
Getting the cue he so desperately needed, Tethus instantly changed ways and started running with all he’s got against the flow of the tiny stream! The sheer density of the forest coupled with the speed and clumsiness with which Tethus was running resulted in numerous gashes and cuts created by tree branches and spiny bushes. Not to mention his feet, deep crimson cuts made by the sharp stony landscape and twigs littering the ground.
After what seemed like hours, but in reality was only a couple of minutes, Tethus heavily breading, with burning lungs and pain all over his body, finally arrived at his destination.
What laid in front of his eyes was an enormous glistering brightly with sun light and hope river. The river winds through the forest, welcoming any stray flora. It is a part of the forest, integral to life, yet also a thing unto itself.
How.. Beautiful… Such a slice of mellow harmony amid the fragrant leaves. It flows like time, everlasting, onward to its destiny! Such glistering and bright water surface, livened by the brief crescents of white that are the fishes! At the edges it tempts the rich soil to join the cool waters! Simply an irreplaceable scene that I can keep watching and keep taking in without a stop, for days!
Oh shit! No, how in the 7 rings of hell did I manage to forget in what predicament I am! Damn it all, I need to move!
Before Tethus could make even a single step, a loud noise of something big going through bushes and landing on the somewhat watery soil made its way to his ears. It was already too late. He lost way too much time enjoying the new scene of a river.
Tethus decides to?
What did he decide to do? He just runs in a stream ?
Please explain things.
The action is well described.
Tethus slowly turned around and faced his nightmare. A huge, bulky shadow with red luminescent silted eyes, watching him with a predatory eagerness. As if he is but a simple toy to be used and then discarded.
The beast lowered itself until its lower side was almost touching the tiny blades of grass, in a pouncing stance, and waited.
My bad luck is simply boundless. I have no where else to run.. Instead of the river. Judging by the currents I have a fairly good chance to survive, the problem is getting to the river before this .. thing pounces on me and breaks my neck with it’s jaws or paws.
Only one way to find out. It’s either I survive or I die, whatever happens it will be better than going back to that endless and unchanging white world.
“Here goes nothing!”
AGAIN WITH THE CLIFFHANGERS.
Also you didn't explain where the mysterious voice came from.
Please explain things. Describe what the monster looks like. I don't even know shape it is. Is it on 4 legs? 2?
- Lack of technical jargon is good.
- Lack of explaining the protagonist's decisions is bad.
- Description of the forest is good.
- Lack of protagonist backstory and inconsistent characterization (with what has been given so far) is bad.
My novel is here:
I have quite a few chapters up so it's fine with me if you only want to review through 8-10 chapters of my work. Hopefully it's compelling enough for you to finish it :)