eu_cliffe's desk

#1
EUCLIFFE'S DESK

First and foremost, these prompts are really beautiful and I can't wait to be reviewed by a long-term member in this community. Perhaps, I'd get to grasp the writer in me with this. lolol. Fair warning, I am new to such things as web fiction and the process of writing it. However, this, by no means, doesn't mean that critics should be euphemistic. I would like to withstand as much criticisms as possible in regards to my writing. Thank you in advance.

RE: eu_cliffe's desk

#2

Prompt (specific version): John and Teresa are having a conversation while working on a school group project. In 500 words, convey to the reader that John is "disciplined" and Teresa is "good-natured". Do not use the word "disciplined" or "good-natured" (or any variants) in the piece.

LESSON 1 DIALOGUE


“Anything else you need?” John glanced at the speaker as she sprawled essential items beside him, huffs and puffs interrupting each word, yet the sentence was marked by sincerity. John ignored her as she lounged on the classroom chair and continued on gluing sticks to round bottle caps.

John looked up, “4:30 PM,” he whispered, but the sapphire eyes of Teresa that looked expectantly at him was the assurance he needed that she could hear him. “We’ve been here for 30 minutes now, we need to hurry,” the project took longer than he expected.

“I’m sorry I’m not good at engineering,” Teresa’s voice were surprisingly low for her usual cheery voice. “Well, I could help pretty this thing up,” now with her usual toothy grin.

John knew that it was unethical to look onto other things while he’s in the process of conversing but his focus was concentrated on fiddling with the project that it almost clouded his manners, well, almost. He looked up to Teresa, “Can you give me four barbecue sticks? And no!” Knowing Teresa, she’d probably enclose the whole body with glitters and sequins, an additional weight, a potential external error that needed not done.

Teresa pouted as she handed four identical barbecue sticks to John. “You’re not useless,” John said out of thin air, painting confusion in the atmosphere. In his peripheral sight, He saw her frown, her eyes traveling rapidly through various directions. “You know that. You've done enough, Teresa, just wait for me to finish this.”

Teresa lowered her head and curled her hands, finding courage in her tiny fists. “I don’t feel useless”

“You’re lying.”

“No, I’m not.”

“I’ve known you since I was a kid, you think I never noticed?”

“I never wanted you to notice,” she pouted again, looking at the windows. Somehow, John knew that she would say that. She prevented bothering other people. All her life, she'd been averting being the additional weight.

The gravity-powered car is almost finished, he just needed a thread. Several minutes and hums made by Teresa passed, he finally stood, the project’s finished and he needed to stretch his legs out.

The silence was broken down by another whisper that seemed to echo in the forsaken classroom. “You were always like this since we were kids,” John stared at Teresa, “You always tried to help others, Teresa.”

“You know I loved it,” she smiled, bright eyes staring back.

“How could we ever repay?” he was grinning now, her following words already in his knowing mind.

“It’s for free,” her giggles enveloped the room, giving life despite inanimate silence.

I thought so.


"Oh! And tell Lisa she won't have any grades."

RE: eu_cliffe's desk

#3
Hi there eu_cliffe, and welcome to Night School.

I think in terms of the specific goals of this prompt, your John is pretty "disciplined" and your Teresa is pretty "good-natured". However, in terms of the overall scene and giving the reader a clear picture of what's going on, it's a bit incoherent.


For instance, your first sentence minus dialogue: "John glanced at the speaker as she sprawled essential items beside him, huffs and puffs interrupting each word, yet the sentence was marked by sincerity."

- "Sprawl" is generally an intransitive verb that refers to the subject, in this case Teresa, but I think you're using it for the building materials. "Spread" would have been a better choice here
- I have no idea why Teresa is huffing and puffing. Did she just run in from somewhere?


Or take your last sentence: "Oh! And tell Lisa she won't have any grades."
- You didn't mention Lisa at all before this
- You didn't mention that the group project was for more than two people
- If I didn't know what the prompt was, I wouldn't have any idea what the purpose of this sentence was for


You also have a couple of times you switch into present tense for no reason, like "The gravity-powered car is almost finished"

Sometimes, you simply use the incorrect word for the sentence. For instance "She prevented bothering other people." should really be "She avoided bothering other people."

Hope that helped!

RE: eu_cliffe's desk

#4
10/31/2016 01:24:36unice5656 Wrote: [ -> ]Hi there eu_cliffe, and welcome to Night School.

I think in terms of the specific goals of this prompt, your John is pretty "disciplined" and your Teresa is pretty "good-natured". However, in terms of the overall scene and giving the reader a clear picture of what's going on, it's a bit incoherent.


For instance, your first sentence minus dialogue: "John glanced at the speaker as she sprawled essential items beside him, huffs and puffs interrupting each word, yet the sentence was marked by sincerity."

- "Sprawl" is generally an intransitive verb that refers to the subject, in this case Teresa, but I think you're using it for the building materials. "Spread" would have been a better choice here
- I have no idea why Teresa is huffing and puffing. Did she just run in from somewhere?


Or take your last sentence: "Oh! And tell Lisa she won't have any grades."
- You didn't mention Lisa at all before this
- You didn't mention that the group project was for more than two people
- If I didn't know what the prompt was, I wouldn't have any idea what the purpose of this sentence was for


You also have a couple of times you switch into present tense for no reason, like "The gravity-powered car is almost finished"

Sometimes, you simply use the incorrect word for the sentence. For instance "She prevented bothering other people." should really be "She avoided bothering other people."

Hope that helped!


SO SO SO MUCH HELP! I do believe that my word choices and my lack of vocabulary is a problem for me, thank you for helping me and, pretty much, setting up my mind that IT is the problem that I should focus on. |D Looking foward for more opinions fom you :'D i haven't written action scenes in my life so i don't have any idea how to pursue lesson 2 pff