Lesson 7: Perspective

#1
Most authors prefer writing in either first person or third person all the time. Both perspectives have their strengths and weaknesses, so people should try them both.

Vague prompt: Write a 500-word scene using the PoV you don't normally use (1st person or 3rd person).

Specific prompt: This is Alex's first day at the illustrious high school, St. Yvonne's, famed for its cutting-edge technology and advanced computer classes. Write a 500-word scene using the PoV you don't normally use (1st person or 3rd person).

RE: Lesson 7: Perspective

#2
Okay, I know this one is a bit unrealistic (Really unrealistic), but forgive me on this one :P

I don't know if I accomplished the goal of being able to write a good third person scene,(or follow the prompt correctly) but I'll let you be the judge.

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Wearing her new store bought shoes, Alex walks through the hollow and empty hallways of St. Yvonne high, a school famed for producing the highest quality of professionals, geniuses and prodigies alike. 
Her lonely footsteps echo with each second passing, making the pressure all the more nerve wracking than it already is.

Passing by various classrooms filled with silence and students. The only sound you'll hear are the lecturer's. Even their voices are gentle, but stern.

Constantly reminding herself of her goal, Alex only accomplishes to pressure herself. The goal to graduate with the highest possible credits. 
The only reason for her being here is attaining a great feat of a nine point nine grade point average, landing her the last, and most sought after spot in the world of technology.
But here in St. Yvonne, it is a whole new world. Students here are expected to have easy nine point zero points, as they scoff at a measly ten point zero, most would easily average a twelve point zero, the highest being a flat nineteen. 

She reaches the classroom she was advised to be in. "Room 102? Is this it?" she asks herself, becoming even more unsure. 
But she enters nonetheless. 

As the door opens, she is greeted by an unenthusiastic group of twelve people. Each one looking to be unique and with his and her own quirks and characteristics that would make them stand out without problem. 
Each one seems uninterested of her arrival, doing their own thing, sleeping, lounging around. 

The lecturer enters without making a sound, walking in front of the whiteboard marker with a blank expression.


"Alright, please take your seats. For today, your task will be to rewrite Ukkonen's algorithm in a separate file, folder complied. Then implement the algorithm in plain English. I'll give you, uhmm, maybe thirty minutes? Failure to accomplish this will result in immediate expulsion, no exceptions. Begin!"

The twelve students move and sit in front of their computers as if it was another normal day, but to Alex, what she heard became a nightmare.

The lecturer looks uninterested at Alex, but notices her nevertheless. "Better take a seat and get started. Wouldn't want to be expelled in your first day, right?"

Alex then changes her expression, turning into a fierce one. She runs to a seat, almost slipping. She boots the computer, pulling the keyboard towards her.
She then starts opening various files and folders in a crazed manner, her eyes darting all over the screen. 
Typing faster than a normal human being, she remembers almost all of the information about the prompt, words are popping up almost instantly.

"And by the way, you will be required to avoid being hacked by alumni. Get hacked, and the same results apply," the lecturer adds, increasing Alex's pressure as she stops typing for a second.
Then returning to the screen, typing profusely as her hands numb.
Her only thoughts are "What have I gotten myself into?" twenty minutes left.

RE: Lesson 7: Perspective

#3
@Series of Rebirths

...Weird school you've designed there. I have no idea why being expelled is so easy.

You can make a "grade point" average whatever you want, but as soon as you write "percent", it has to be out of 100.

There are a bunch of sentence fragments cluttering up this piece, like "Passing by various classrooms filled with silence and students.", "The goal to graduate with the highest possible credits. ", "Each one looking to be unique and with his and her own quirks and characteristics that would make them stand out without problem.", "Then returning to the screen, typing profusely as her hands numb." Sentences generally need a subject (person doing an action) a verb (the action) and an object (the thing the action is being done to); the third one isn't always necessary, depending on the verb.

Generally speaking, 3rd person PoV is written in simple past tense, but it's not wrong to write in present tense. Try writing in different tenses as well as PoVs in order to branch out your writing.

RE: Lesson 7: Perspective

#4
10/17/2016 02:40:31unice5656 Wrote: [ -> ]@Series of Rebirths

...Weird school you've designed there. I have no idea why being expelled is so easy.

You can make a "grade point" average whatever you want, but as soon as you write "percent", it has to be out of 100.

There are a bunch of sentence fragments cluttering up this piece, like "Passing by various classrooms filled with silence and students.", "The goal to graduate with the highest possible credits. ", "Each one looking to be unique and with his and her own quirks and characteristics that would make them stand out without problem.", "Then returning to the screen, typing profusely as her hands numb." Sentences generally need a subject (person doing an action) a verb (the action) and an object (the thing the action is being done to); the third one isn't always necessary, depending on the verb.

Generally speaking, 3rd person PoV is written in simple past tense, but it's not wrong to write in present tense. Try writing in different tenses as well as PoVs in order to branch out your writing.


I still have a long way to go then. But still, I knew that my weak point was using 3rd person perspective. (It's really tricky)

Thank you as always. I'll learn from this and improve for the next one. 

Looking forward to the next night school.

RE: Lesson 7: Perspective

#5
Let's give a try.   >:D  . 

Obs: thirteen more words makes no difference, right?
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Alex was now walking to his school, what is not far from his home, only about 4 kilometers. After a few minutes, Alex could see students entering the school gate.

He pass by the gates and is about to enter the school when he realizes that there is an agglomeration of students in the left side of the building entrance. The students were seeing a stuck panel on the wall.

He realizes that it is a list of rooms and students, respectively, after an approach and a clearer look. He found his name in the first year, room 66.

After entering the school he began searching for his classroom. After all it was his first day and the panel did not say where is the classroom. His eyes analyzing every new thing ahead of him. Students going back and forth while talking, creating an atmosphere a little noisy but also soft.

His new school was well known for its cutting edge technology and advanced computer classes. He dreamed of that thought to be a programmer who lives in luxury in a 4-storey house with swimming pool. And it could be even better with a computer that had a better processor than the intel atom.

Out of his thoughts that will probably never be carried out, he realizes that him is lost. Eventually ended up in the men's bathroom. With its arched eyebrows he looks around. A row of cabins and sinks.

It also reveals an astonished face when he sees another student passing his hand under the tap. And like magic. The faucet on and starts spouting water.

'God, that technology,' he reflects after the same student begin to dry your hands in the hand dryer in the bathroom door side while looking curiously at Alex.

Alex, sensing the opportunity, quickly asks the student looked at him:

"Guy, can you help me?," with a tone of sadness Alex continues, "I missed me in the school."

"We, first of all, must know the name of each other, is not ?," he replied with a very informal tone and a relaxed smile.

"Ah, yes, my name," with a little blush, Alex responds, "Alex Macxuel, pleasure."

Alex raises his hand in a gesture of handshake . Than the other quickly grab and shakes.

"Philip Ash," Philip presents with a friendly face and then inquired, "Well, what is the number of your classroom?"

"Room 66." Alex responds after down up his arm.

"Um ...," after think a little Philip warns, "Follow me."

Both Alex and Philip came out of the bathroom, Philip leading the way. They enter a corridor to the left, from the bathroom entrance and rises up a flight of stairs.

Arriving on the third floor by the stairs, they go into another corridor, now with rooms. The numbers of the room's written in metal plates on top of each door.

"We arrived," Philip said after arriving in the room Alex resigned.

"Thank you," Alex thank before giving a 'goodbye' and enter the room.

The room was already with half of the total students. Alex chose a wallet in the last column and waited for the teacher to arrive.

RE: Lesson 7: Perspective

#6
@Naysed:

I found this piece extremely hard to follow due to the constantly-changing verb tenses (present and past tense) and some of the sentences that just ended.

"Can you help me face ?," <- What does this mean?

"They entered a corridor to the left, from the bathroom entrance and went up a flight of stairs in the." <- In the what?

The word "conurbation" means "extensive urban area results from the expansion of several cities or towns so that they coalesce but usually maintain their separate identities", which does not apply to this situation.

There were other things that simply didn't make sense, like, "Alex responds after downloading his arm."

RE: Lesson 7: Perspective

#7
10/18/2016 23:18:05unice5656 Wrote: [ -> ]@Naysed:

I found this piece extremely hard to follow due to the constantly-changing verb tenses (present and past tense) and some of the sentences that just ended.

"Can you help me face ?," <- What does this mean?

"They entered a corridor to the left, from the bathroom entrance and went up a flight of stairs in the." <- In the what?

The word "conurbation" means "extensive urban area results from the expansion of several cities or towns so that they coalesce but usually maintain their separate identities", which does not apply to this situation.

There were other things that simply didn't make sense, like, "Alex responds after downloading his arm."


I will make a little review. I just used my mother tongue and after use google tradutor. Don't think I am a idiot xD. I thought this is going to work. 

I must give apologies for that.

RE: Lesson 7: Perspective

#8
I hope you don't mind, but I went a bit over the 500 word limit. Sorry. (661 words)
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A great anxiety overcame Alex as he took his first step past the glistening white gates. The high marble walls seemed to glare down at him, exuding an aura of domination. Being meek from the early years of his childhood, it was no surprise that Alex felt severely intimidated. After all, this was St Yvonne's. When he was a kid, his classmates would dream about going to this school, and it was rightly so. Renowned far and wide, St Yvonne's was without a doubt, an elite school.

Inhaling deeply, Alex continued, his feet trying to stay on the ground without slipping. A flurry of emotions raged around in his head. Anxiety, fear, humility- they were all threatening to burst out. It was a surprise that Alex could hold it in. Clenching his fists, he greeted the guard near the gates with a smile. The guard stared at him for a while, and then went about patrolling again. Thinking that his smile must have been awkward, Alex continued heading towards the magnificent white building.

A humongous complex of buildings sprawled over one of the largest campuses. Even now Alex could see the recreational section from the periphery of his eyes. There were some playing tennis, while others just relaxed in lawn chairs. Students were encouraged to just let loose when they felt too bottled up. Taking a turn as per the map directed, Alex headed towards the hostel. Even though he had been here before for the admission, school felt a lot more intimidating without his parents by his side.

The warden's eyes stared at his face as he entered, her wrinkled face turning to look at him. Immediately, Alex felt a wave of fear wash over him. Did she not like him? Did he do something wrong? Such questions ran amok inside his head, his face almost betraying it.

"Greetings. My name is Alexander De Gratze. I joined...a couple days ago." Alex said, bowing towards the warden. She nodded and then went towards the counter, her shoes tapping against the wooden floor. Rummaging around for about a moment behind the counter, she came back and handed him the keys. "Don't make any trouble around here kid. Classes will start in an hour or so, so get ready to leave quickly. I'll give you the rule guidebook once you get back" She said and walked towards her garden, intending to continue what she was doing.

"Ah. You must be Mr Gratze. Come in. Have a seat" The young blond professor smiled at Alex, his snow like teeth glinting in the white room. With small steps, Alex walked towards the empty seat in the front row. The entire hall was like a futuristic science lab, with holograms floating around the white theater like room. Seating himself on the white hard plastic, Alex turned his eyes towards the professor.

"Good morning class. I am Manuel, your computer programming teacher. Well, I'd have liked everyone to introduce themselves, but I think we'll learn your names at a later date. Mr Gratze, please open up your Holo Interface" Prof. Manuel pointed at the white desk before him. With his hand visibly trembling, Alex placed his index finger on the table and slid down. The white surface turned blue as the words 'Holo' revealed themselves. Fading away, a blue semi transparent window opened up in the air before him.

Thankfully, Alex had learned how to use a Holo Interface. Sighing in relief, he continued to open up the Grizal, a note recording application. Prof Manuel smiled at him before he continued.

"Well then. Like I was about to say, today we shall be looking at the METI algorithm designed by Gemini Co..." Prof Manuel said, his voice booming throughout the entire class.

'Maybe. Just maybe, this won't be as bad as I thought?' , Alex wondered as he attempted to break the problem presented to him. A smile was evident on the previously nerve wracked face of his.

RE: Lesson 7: Perspective

#9
@NexusWolf

*glare* don't go over the word limit. It's there to keep you from being long-winded.

There were lots of redundancies you could have cut to stay under 500 words. You don't need to write "A great anxiety came over Alex" followed by "Alex felt severely intimidated". You don't need to write "they were all threatening to burst out" followed by "it was a surprise that Alex could hold it in". Don't add words unless the words add to the story. "Alex felt a wave of fear" conveys the same message as "Alex felt a wave of fear wash over him" - use the shorter one unless the addition actually modifies the meaning; for instance, "Alex felt a wave of fear crash over him" would create a more intense and sudden feeling than the shorter fragment.

The actual events of this piece don't make much sense. If he's moving in, he needs luggage, and I've never heard of anyone moving in less than an hour before class starts. You follow this scene with an abrupt jump to the classroom with no explanation of how he got there or even an extra line break to denote the passage of time.

Fix your punctuation around dialogue tags.
"This is dialogue," he said.
"This is dialogue?" he asked.
"This is dialogue!" he explained.
He said, "This is dialogue."
'This isn't dialogue,' he thought. (The same punctuation applies if you are using single quotation marks)

You ended the scene on a positive note, which I appreciated. Honestly, people, stop trying to make me depressed.

RE: Lesson 7: Perspective

#10
10/21/2016 06:00:46unice5656 Wrote: [ -> ]@NexusWolf

*glare* don't go over the word limit. It's there to keep you from being long-winded.

There were lots of redundancies you could have cut to stay under 500 words. You don't need to write "A great anxiety came over Alex" followed by "Alex felt severely intimidated". You don't need to write "they were all threatening to burst out" followed by "it was a surprise that Alex could hold it in". Don't add words unless the words add to the story. "Alex felt a wave of fear" conveys the same message as "Alex felt a wave of fear wash over him" - use the shorter one unless the addition actually modifies the meaning; for instance, "Alex felt a wave of fear crash over him" would create a more intense and sudden feeling than the shorter fragment.

The actual events of this piece don't make much sense. If he's moving in, he needs luggage, and I've never heard of anyone moving in less than an hour before class starts. You follow this scene with an abrupt jump to the classroom with no explanation of how he got there or even an extra line break to denote the passage of time.

Fix your punctuation around dialogue tags.
"This is dialogue," he said.
"This is dialogue?" he asked.
"This is dialogue!" he explained.
He said, "This is dialogue."
'This isn't dialogue,' he thought. (The same punctuation applies if you are using single quotation marks)

You ended the scene on a positive note, which I appreciated. Honestly, people, stop trying to make me depressed.


Haha, thanks a lot Unice~!

The jump was because I realized that I went well over the word limit... I'll try harder!

RE: Lesson 7: Perspective

#11
I'm pretty happy with this one and I left it with a cliffhanger! Hope you enjoy! BTW, I'm a 3rd person type so that's why it's in first!

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As I was biking my way to the new school it only took one look before I was in complete awe. Everything was in white and in large boxes connected by cuboid walkways and the windows were crystal clean and the fence wasn’t just some bars, it was an electro-magnetic force-field! Everything looked extremely high-tech, something I wished the world would be. I took my bike to the parking rack but as soon as it touched the white pole, it locked on with some sort of neon cuff. Suddenly the floor disappeared with my bike!
“Please place your fingerprint here, you will collect your mobile at the end of work, Alex,” It explained as I tapped the green pad. I found myself walking towards the welcoming entrance of sweet smells.
“Hello! Welcome to St. Yvonne’s! You are very privileged to be here! What’s your name?” The young woman spoke with a kind voice.
“My names Alex Rider, which class am I going to?”
“Just wait a second, at St. Yvonne’s it can be really easy to get lost so we just need to implant the map and your schedule, and… done!” Suddenly I felt as if he knew every corner of the school and where to.
“Have fun!” The woman smiled with such an innocent face man would kill to have her look at them. I quickly ran through the sleek corridors and found myself running into teleporters and picking up gadgets and equipment on the way.
After running for what seemed like forever I entered the class that I had been sent to, Class 78-4 floor-right side. Half the class had already seemed to come in with the same equipment. There was a lot of talk but all of it was about the receptionist.
“I wish she went back to college!”
“She would’ve blushed if she saw me in her days!”
“As if!”
“In your dreams!” I wasn’t really bothered about a receptionist so I just sat down and started setting up my computer. Mum wanted me to make the most out of this school because it was built in the very place of her school. After installing my AI module and all the other things (Which if I did mention you would probably fall out of your chair in boredom), I booted it up and waited for the teacher to come in.
“I’ve heard this school has a mother computer that could control 50 different buildings!”
“Oh really? I’ve heard that a spy once tried to break in but was captured when he went near the building!”
“Settle down everybody!” Suddenly all murmur and chat had disappeared and all focus was intent upon the teacher.
“Today I’m going to be introducing you to A.I. You all know what it means, right?”
“Yes, sir,” the class replied.
“Today’s task is to test your hacking skills, if so, you can enter the GAME. Your time starts now!” what did he mean by game? Why was he testing or powers of hacking? I had a dark suspicion about this school; and it had something to do with this GAME…