Need help with "serious conversation"

#1
First of all, the novel in question is Evolve Or DIE!! which is about an RPG apocalypse.[url=http://royalroadl.com/fiction/7216][/url]

In the latest chapter that I had uploaded, there was a serious conversation b/w the MC and a girl whom he had met for the first time. I thought that I had done a good worrk in the chapter but, many people mentioned that the conversation was not that good as a result of which I even lost a lot of readers. Here's the excerpt of the conversation, can anyone help me with it. Any help will be appreciated, Thanks.

Quote:Hearing the desperate pleas and cries of the maiden, Tim wanted to save her as a human because he definitely could without risking his life however, he didn’t act immediately because if he saved the girl, he would most likely have to take on the burden of protecting her and feeding her in this apocalypse.
 
Just as Tim was pondering over whether to save her or not while the howls of the girl continued, Tim felt that he should at least save her as he still had humanity left in him.
 
Tim immediately ran at his top speed towards the zombie who was now just inches away from the neck of the maiden while the intensity of her screams further increased. The girl was trying to cast off the zombie by pushing it away using her hands, though to no avail.
 
Just as when she had closed her eyes knowing that this was her end, she felt something falling slightly above her breast which was accompanied by a liquid that stained her shirt.
 
She slowly opened her eyes, only to find that the zombie that was attacking her was now lying lifelessly on her side while its decapitated head was lying on her breast along with a lot of blood.
 
She inspected the surroundings to find out her benefactor who had saved her, when she saw a man with blue eyes who was strangely covered all around in bandages and blood. Although, she knew that this man was her benefactor, she couldn’t help but feel scared for a moment as she shrieked out in fear, though not as loud as before.
 
The blue eyed man in front of her was surprised for a moment after which he held down his hand towards her.
 
She stopped her screaming and slowly grabbed the hand of the blue eyed man because it probably meant that he was helping her to get up. He slowly pulled her up and brought her back to her feet.
 
“Th-Thank You for saving me. If you hadn’t helped me that time, I would’ve definitely died. I’m Scarlett, what’s your name?” asked Scarlett as her eyes were filled with immense respect for the blue eyed man in front of her.
 
“I’m Tim. Don’t misunderstand me but I’m no hero or savior, I just did what felt right but now you’re on your own. I’m not going to take your responsibility, you’re free to do what you want.” replied Tim. Though his words may seem heartless, he was just being practical as he didn’t want to waste precious resources of food for some stranger. 
 
“B-But how will a lone girl like me survive in a world of zombies and monsters?” asked Scarlett as she felt that someone had stabbed her listening to the words of Tim who was probably strong.
 
“Not my problem.”
 
“P-Please, let me stay with you, I’m willing to do anything.” Scarlett had already faced the horrors of the new world and was about to die once, so she knew that it was best to ask for help from someone strong like Tim. She didn’t even have any resource or any information so if she decided to let Tim go, she would most likely die. Moreover, she had already experienced the fear of facing her own death, so she didn’t want to experience it again.
 
“Why don’t understand? I’m not keen on carrying dead meat with me during an apocalypse. Besides, resources are scarce so I can’t afford to spend something so valuable on a stranger like you.”
 
“I-I won’t hold you ba-back. I’ll g-get stronger and help you to fight monsters” Although, Scarlett replied a bit clumsily, it was evident from the glint in her eyes that she really wanted to get stronger and help Tim.
 
Tim pondered for a while before finally asking, “Okay, I’ll let you stay with me however you’ll have to accept four conditions first. Firstly, I’ll help you get stronger by killing the zombies but when you reach class 5 and obtain a class change, you’ll have to choose a healer class and heal me during battles. Secondly, you’ll have only half the food as I have until we have an abundance in the food resources. Thirdly, you have to tell me all about your stats, skills and anything else you might know or have noticed. Lastly, I have to meet my parents as soon as possible so you’ll have to follow me at that time. If you are willing to accept these conditions, I can allow you to come with me. Make your choice.”
 
If anyone heard what Tim’s conditions, they would accuse him of not being a man however, Tim couldn’t care any less about someone being a man or woman until he/she is strong.
 
Hearing Tim’s conditions, Scarlett gritted her teeth in agitation because the conditions were extremely harsh. She knew that if she chose a healer class, she would never be able to get stronger as it was a support role and would always have to rely on Tim to survive. Although she didn’t have much problems with the second and third conditions, she definitely was against the fourth one. She also wanted to ascertain the safety of her only support- her father but if she agreed to his conditions, she would most likely not be able to do so.
 
“I-I don’t have any problems with the first three conditions however, I also want to me-meet up with my father so please after you meet up with your parents, pl-please help me to meet my father.”
 
Tim also knew that his conditions were extremely harsh, so he hadn’t expected that Scarlett would even accept the first condition but he was quite surprised on hearing that she didn’t object against any of first three conditions. Since, the condition that she objected against was not too much, Tim could easily help her to meet her with her father if he ever met his own parents.
 
“Okay, I’ll help you meet with your father but only after I meet up with my parents. Now, tell me everything you know about the apocalypse, the system, your stats, skills and what happened in the pawn shop.”
 
Scarlett started telling everything diligently without any trace of hiding anything, because she knew that Tim was reliable to some extent because he saved her and also the fact that if he found out that she was lying, he might not take her with him.


Please help me with the conversation and what I had done wrong.

RE: Need help with "serious conversation"

#2
First please edit this because it is kinda of a mess. Readable but lot of grammar and just spelling mistakes. 

Second as for the story itself its pretty meh? I mean very contradicting action to save her then ditch her its like why bother in the first place? Also the dialog felt stiff and too fast? I mean the girl was just at death door, she kinda recover her wits way too fast unless this was all a scheme by her or something. Second he refuses her but then immediately decide to keep her if she agrees to a long list of conditions. Again way too sudden change in tone. It's almost like part of that interaction was cut out.

RE: Need help with "serious conversation"

#3
7/28/2016 8:07:47 PMRexZShadow Wrote: [ -> ]First please edit this because it is kinda of a mess. Readable but lot of grammar and just spelling mistakes. 

Second as for the story itself its pretty meh? I mean very contradicting action to save her then ditch her its like why bother in the first place? Also the dialog felt stiff and too fast? I mean the girl was just at death door, she kinda recover her wits way too fast unless this was all a scheme by her or something. Second he refuses her but then immediately decide to keep her if she agrees to a long list of conditions. Again way too sudden change in tone. It's almost like part of that interaction was cut out.


Thanks I'll edit it out.

RE: Need help with "serious conversation"

#4
Disclaimer: I mostly skimmed it. Why? Because if I can catch mistakes doing that, your readers will definitely be able to as well. They may not be able to pinpoint what exactly is wrong, but they’ll know something’s off about it. The readers are smart. They'll spot issues right away.

First, your POV swaps around a lot. These shifts aren’t as pronounced in third person perspective as they are in first, but trust me when I say it’s jarring. While it’s true that third person omniscient allows you to dip into characters heads to some extent, the transitions should be seamless and at logical points in the narrative.

This part starts off in third person limited from Tim’s perspective. It jumps to third person limited from Scarlett’s perspective at this point: “She slowly opened her eyes, only to find that…” Do you see how that transition happens? "Only to find that" is a phrase that can only come from Scarlett's POV. It later jumps to an omniscient narrator’s perspective with the phrase: “Though his words may seem heartless…”

In Scarlett’s first line, she is telling Tim things he already knows. Real people make lot’s of implications when they talk. They rarely spell things out in normal conversation. You can condense the line to this: “Thank you. I’m Scarlett.”

Your paragraphs contain a mixture of dialogue and thoughts. Split them out. Use as many paragraphs as you need to make the story clear and seamless. For example, “she felt that someone had stabbed her,” should not be in the same paragraph as the dialogue that proceeds it.

Also, keep your dialogue tags brief. Only add things to them if the tone of the dialogue is unclear, or if you are specifying actions that happen during or immediately after the dialogue.

In Tim’s line starting with “Don’t misunderstand me,” he is telling Scarlett things that a real person wouldn’t. When two strangers meet in real life, they subconsciously hide their true intentions and feelings. They rarely say what they are actually thinking internally.

In the the line that contains “how will a lone girl like me,” it reads almost as though Scarlett is talking about herself in third person. There is a disjoint between what she is saying and what she is feeling. It should be something more along the lines of this: “I can’t make it on my own!”

And this post is getting long, so I’ll go ahead and leave it at that. Hope this helps.

RE: Need help with "serious conversation"

#5
(Sorry I found myself having a lot of time all of a sudden so I'm going full helpful mode! :D ) 

yeah I kinda agree with the first guy. The conversation is way too fast and a bit forced. 

Without the thoughts of the characters, this is how your conversation goes:

girl: "Gaaaah! Oh you're not gonna kill me? okey then. Thank you thank you."

Boy: "But I'm not gonna bring you either, Im not a goody-goody."

Girl: "What? but im a lonely woman. how can I survive this apocalypse? (Although why i'm walking alone in the middle of the street I don't understand)"

Boy: "You're not coming!"

Girl: "Please please, I'll do anything you want!"

Boy: "Okey then, so my condition is this and this and this and this."

Girl: "Alright, but I have this condition as well."

Boy: "Fine. let go!"

I could understand your thought process in this and it's not bad. The problem is that you cram all that idea in that single conversation and therefore loss the gist of what you are trying to inform your reader. This first encounter should be just about introduction, that's it. You do not forced the MC's agenda in that dialogue, it simply doesn't work. 

Knowing the person's name is not enough. The MC should be asking what the F is she doing there. Does she belong in a group?  Where did she come from?

Meanwhile the girl's reaction is not believable. Contrary to popular beliefs, girls do not want to be damsel in distress, or to be helpless. So what if the guy saved her, maybe he is just saving her so he can rape her later. and so what if he appears strong, she doesn't know the guy. Very few girls, no matter how dire the situation, will just blurt out 'Ill do anything you want.' Most girls have their own pride as well.

Try this: MC saves girl. Girl still traumatized by the close call. MC asked his questions (See questions above). Girl may or may not answer. Satisified, MC abruptly leaves. Girl panics, give lame excuse why they need to be together (ex. going in the same direction) MC realize girl is scared, tells girl bluntly that she is dead weight. Girl blusters that she doesn't need protection. MC shrugs and continue walking while girl followed in a distance. END of conversation.

All his condition are things he can tell or 'suggest' later. for future conversation. there is no hurry and makes the flow of the conversation more natural. It also gives you a chance to give other character (like the girl) a chance for more 'depth.'

People may disagree will lots of what I just said, but the gist is that too many info was cram in a single conversation. If you stretched it a bit it will be so much better.

RE: Need help with "serious conversation"

#6
7/29/2016 3:41:24 AMbatotit Wrote: [ -> ](Sorry I found myself having a lot of time all of a sudden so I'm going full helpful mode! :D ) 

yeah I kinda agree with the first guy. The conversation is way too fast and a bit forced. 

Without the thoughts of the characters, this is how your conversation goes:

girl: "Gaaaah! Oh you're not gonna kill me? okey then. Thank you thank you."

Boy: "But I'm not gonna bring you either, Im not a goody-goody."

Girl: "What? but im a lonely woman. how can I survive this apocalypse? (Although why i'm walking alone in the middle of the street I don't understand)"

Boy: "You're not coming!"

Girl: "Please please, I'll do anything you want!"

Boy: "Okey then, so my condition is this and this and this and this."

Girl: "Alright, but I have this condition as well."

Boy: "Fine. let go!"

I could understand your thought process in this and it's not bad. The problem is that you cram all that idea in that single conversation and therefore loss the gist of what you are trying to inform your reader. This first encounter should be just about introduction, that's it. You do not forced the MC's agenda in that dialogue, it simply doesn't work. 

Knowing the person's name is not enough. The MC should be asking what the F is she doing there. Does she belong in a group?  Where did she come from?

Meanwhile the girl's reaction is not believable. Contrary to popular beliefs, girls do not want to be damsel in distress, or to be helpless. So what if the guy saved her, maybe he is just saving her so he can rape her later. and so what if he appears strong, she doesn't know the guy. Very few girls, no matter how dire the situation, will just blurt out 'Ill do anything you want.' Most girls have their own pride as well.

Try this: MC saves girl. Girl still traumatized by the close call. MC asked his questions (See questions above). Girl may or may not answer. Satisified, MC abruptly leaves. Girl panics, give lame excuse why they need to be together (ex. going in the same direction) MC realize girl is scared, tells girl bluntly that she is dead weight. Girl blusters that she doesn't need protection. MC shrugs and continue walking while girl followed in a distance. END of conversation.

All his condition are things he can tell or 'suggest' later. for future conversation. there is no hurry and makes the flow of the conversation more natural. It also gives you a chance to give other character (like the girl) a chance for more 'depth.'

People may disagree will lots of what I just said, but the gist is that too many info was cram in a single conversation. If you stretched it a bit it will be so much better.


Thnx for the advice!!