Reviews for Saviour of the World

#1
Hi,

I've posted two chapters so far and would appreciate any feedback, if anyone has the time.

The story is called Saviour of the World and is my first effort on the site. It's a swords and sorcery type of thing, with humour.

Description: The two full moons appear together once a year. On that night, the bridge to the Elven world materialises. Davidor intends to make this his last crossing into The Vale. This time they'll give him what he wants, or he'll kill every last one of them.

Chapter 1 is 2500 words
Chapter 2 is 2800 words 

Any kind of comment is welcome, whether style/grammar oriented or story/character stuff. If you only manage to read part of it, where you lost interest would also be of help.

If you have a story you'd like me to check out in return, let me know.

Cheers,
mood

RE: Reviews for Saviour of the World

#2
I think this particular story lacks impressions/thoughts and opinions...
From what I gather, we are in Davidor's Third Person Limited POV? Yet we are seeing Filter Words like: 'he wondered'. What is he wondering?

Aside from that, it is well done.
Watch for those pesky Filter Words and To Be verbs. I also recommend looking up 'Weak words in creative writing' and get to know a few.
(Started, get, got, just, go and went... are some of them)

RE: Reviews for Saviour of the World

#3
12/22/2015 13:02:22Chiisutofupuru Wrote: [ -> ]I think this particular story lacks impressions/thoughts and opinions...
From what I gather, we are in Davidor's Third Person Limited POV? Yet we are seeing Filter Words like: 'he wondered'. What is he wondering?

Aside from that, it is well done.
Watch for those pesky Filter Words and To Be verbs. I also recommend looking up 'Weak words in creative writing' and get to know a few.
(Started, get, got, just, go and went... are some of them)


It's in omniscient POV. Have started removing to be verbs. So far have removed 300 words from the first chapter to speed things up. 

Thanks for the assistance.