Hey Guys,

I have recently revised the first chapter of my novel, as I feel it was not engaging enough for potential readers. However, I would greatly appreciate your opinion on the revised chapter.

Thank you very much for your time and consideration.

The first few paragraphs are obstacles, in my opinion. It's just the weirdest existential crisis I've ever seen: oh no, they abducted me - then MC mocks stories he's read in the past. Other than that, the strength is in the possibility of the protagonist acting like a third-rate bogeyman to gain power. I guess there is a way to act for every species. Sounds good. Put Lucifer at the end of the first chapter instead of the beginning of the next. It is more impactful, no doubt. You practically amputated a chunk of the first chapter with that ending. Good luck writing.

Apologies if this is harsh. Tbh I think you should delete most of the first chapter, but I haven't read your second chapter.



I wrote my thoughts out while reading, and here's the only positive one:

Quote:Fear points is a really interesting system. Could be like monsters inc. And it could work decently in a city, but he might be out of luck if he's in the middle of nowhere.

Here are all of the streams of thought I wrote down:

Quote:why is this guy talking about his eyelids? Are they chekov's gun? Is he gonna shoot someone with his eyelids later?

why is he struggling to wake up?

Aha, 'trapped in someone else's novel', 4th wall breaking in the first chapter. That brought me out even after I was speed-reading to get through.

'face the heavens alone'? He's stuck in darkness. What is he gonna do?

Food? Oh no, is this a character who's main or only motivation is food?

'Unable to find a suitable body', ah, so we're in a loading screen. Why do we have so much text dedicated to a loading screen?

System said he'd die in an hour, then gathered energy from the environment to sustain him? Why didn't it do that in the first place?

What? A ghost is a life-form? Why? If anything it's an unlife-form.

This guy's on a roller coaster of emotions. I'd probably just be going 'wtf?' or panicking the whole time. Not really enough time to feel despair.

Fear points is an interesting system. Could be like monsters inc. And it could work decently in a city, but he might be out of luck if he's in the middle of nowhere

Yay insulting the UI... (sarcasm)

'energy loss increases'... 0.5 of 10 per hour = 20 hours. Upgrade to 1 of 100 per hour = 100 hours. A lot more time there. Can the MC do math?

There is some fun humor in it, and I appreciate that the MC is quirky and actually surprised or annoyed by things that happen vs. a stoic, easily adapting MC. That said, there is way too much internal thought processing and mis-timed jokes that bog down the plot. It could be combed over, as 80% of his thoughts and random musings aren't contributing here. 

His inner monologues were awkward and the comedy(?) was forced. Would definitely benefit from some trimming down. Found myself skimming over 90% of it all, praying that it would end.
Don't really understand what's the point of the Human Vision skill. Are ghosts visually impaired? Even then, I think it's kinda unnecessary.
Fear Points is a pretty cool concept.

Overall: 6/10
-The grammar is decent, I only found one minor mistake. (commented on the chapter)
-It would be a 7/10 if the inner monologues weren't so lengthy.
-Doesn't stand out much.  Fear Points are slightly interesting, but it's the only intriguing thing in the entire chapter. It'd certainly help to add something else to make it stand out among the crowd of isekais already on RR.