Ch 1: An Impossible Encounter
I feel like I should spice up the chapter titles at some point, but they'll work for now.

I'll bite. Here's the first chapter to Descent.

Kidd_Wadsworth Wrote: Post a link to your first chapter here:

https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/59915/hunted/chapter/1023242/chapter-1-magic

Then Readers please tell us why you will, or will not, keep reading.

THX!

Prologue: The Tomb - The Dreaming Goddess | Royal Road

I'm game. You can also find the link in my signature below.

Storm-Z1 Wrote: Would be interested in hearing thoughts:

https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/62951/the-endless-expanse/chapter/1082119/chapter-1-poseidon-and-his-left-toe

First, I really liked your chapter. GREAT CHAPTER. 

I have a few suggestions, but keep in mind as you read them, that I REALLY LIKED YOUR CHAPTER. I was born in the U.S. and raised in the south and nobody says whilst. It's a perfectly fine word and if you only used it once, I would have ignored it. But it is in the chapter a few times. I'd take out all but one occurrence. This will help your U.S. readers feel more at home. 

Second, a captain of a ship wouldn't say "Change Course," he'd say, "20 degrees to Starboard," or something like that. Something specific. 

Third, I don't think sleep would come over the guy. Unless this has something to do with the world of your story. I'd believe that adrenaline was coursing through his veins, but sleep--no, I don't think so.

Keep writing. Nice work.

 

Cymas Wrote: Not a ton of readers in the forums but it's a slow day at work so...

Silver, Sand & Silken Wings - This chapter doesn't work for me. I see what you're trying to do with it but it's just a prologue with extra steps. You've got my interest with the premise, but it's falling flat in the setup for the story. It's also way too long, imo. If this was tightened up significantly and involved more than just exposition via dialogue I would totally read on.

Just want to add this is in no way meant to discourage anyone! I am admittedly a fairly picky reader and my attention span just isn't what it used to be.

I am quite late to answer, but thanks for the feedback. Although why does it seem like prologue? I know that I like my long and descriptive writing, so that isn't a surprise, but why prologue? It is written from the Main POV at the time the story starts, so by definition it is no longer a prologue. Compared to the actual prologue that is apart from the main story and from a different POV.

Kidd_Wadsworth Wrote:

Storm-Z1 Wrote: Would be interested in hearing thoughts:

https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/62951/the-endless-expanse/chapter/1082119/chapter-1-poseidon-and-his-left-toe

First, I really liked your chapter. GREAT CHAPTER. 

I have a few suggestions, but keep in mind as you read them, that I REALLY LIKED YOUR CHAPTER. I was born in the U.S. and raised in the south and nobody says whilst. It's a perfectly fine word and if you only used it once, I would have ignored it. But it is in the chapter a few times. I'd take out all but one occurrence. This will help your U.S. readers feel more at home. 

Second, a captain of a ship wouldn't say "Change Course," he'd say, "20 degrees to Starboard," or something like that. Something specific. 

Third, I don't think sleep would come over the guy. Unless this has something to do with the world of your story. I'd believe that adrenaline was coursing through his veins, but sleep--no, I don't think so.

Keep writing. Nice work.

 Thanks for the feedback! Will certainly look over again and keep that in mind!

Kidd_Wadsworth Wrote:

Storm-Z1 Wrote: Would be interested in hearing thoughts:

https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/62951/the-endless-expanse/chapter/1082119/chapter-1-poseidon-and-his-left-toe

First, I really liked your chapter. GREAT CHAPTER. 

I have a few suggestions, but keep in mind as you read them, that I REALLY LIKED YOUR CHAPTER. I was born in the U.S. and raised in the south and nobody says whilst. It's a perfectly fine word and if you only used it once, I would have ignored it. But it is in the chapter a few times. I'd take out all but one occurrence. This will help your U.S. readers feel more at home. 

Second, a captain of a ship wouldn't say "Change Course," he'd say, "20 degrees to Starboard," or something like that. Something specific. 

Third, I don't think sleep would come over the guy. Unless this has something to do with the world of your story. I'd believe that adrenaline was coursing through his veins, but sleep--no, I don't think so.

Keep writing. Nice work.

Ahh just doing the edits and see what you mean.

" Fighting through the agony and against the cold touch of sleep, he groped for something to hang onto. There should have been a rope nearby, strapped to the decking just for instances like this."

I was going for something like trying to stay conscious (knocked out = being asleep). I guess I could make that clearer 

Storm-Z1 Wrote:

Kidd_Wadsworth Wrote:

Storm-Z1 Wrote: Would be interested in hearing thoughts:

https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/62951/the-endless-expanse/chapter/1082119/chapter-1-poseidon-and-his-left-toe

First, I really liked your chapter. GREAT CHAPTER. 

I have a few suggestions, but keep in mind as you read them, that I REALLY LIKED YOUR CHAPTER. I was born in the U.S. and raised in the south and nobody says whilst. It's a perfectly fine word and if you only used it once, I would have ignored it. But it is in the chapter a few times. I'd take out all but one occurrence. This will help your U.S. readers feel more at home. 

Second, a captain of a ship wouldn't say "Change Course," he'd say, "20 degrees to Starboard," or something like that. Something specific. 

Third, I don't think sleep would come over the guy. Unless this has something to do with the world of your story. I'd believe that adrenaline was coursing through his veins, but sleep--no, I don't think so.

Keep writing. Nice work.

Ahh just doing the edits and see what you mean.

" Fighting through the agony and against the cold touch of sleep, he groped for something to hang onto. There should have been a rope nearby, strapped to the decking just for instances like this."

I was going for something like trying to stay conscious (knocked out = being asleep). I guess I could make that clearer 

Storm-Z1 Wrote:

Kidd_Wadsworth Wrote:

Storm-Z1 Wrote: Would be interested in hearing thoughts:

https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/62951/the-endless-expanse/chapter/1082119/chapter-1-poseidon-and-his-left-toe

First, I really liked your chapter. GREAT CHAPTER. 

I have a few suggestions, but keep in mind as you read them, that I REALLY LIKED YOUR CHAPTER. I was born in the U.S. and raised in the south and nobody says whilst. It's a perfectly fine word and if you only used it once, I would have ignored it. But it is in the chapter a few times. I'd take out all but one occurrence. This will help your U.S. readers feel more at home. 

Second, a captain of a ship wouldn't say "Change Course," he'd say, "20 degrees to Starboard," or something like that. Something specific. 

Third, I don't think sleep would come over the guy. Unless this has something to do with the world of your story. I'd believe that adrenaline was coursing through his veins, but sleep--no, I don't think so.

Keep writing. Nice work.

Ahh just doing the edits and see what you mean.

" Fighting through the agony and against the cold touch of sleep, he groped for something to hang onto. There should have been a rope nearby, strapped to the decking just for instances like this."

I was going for something like trying to stay conscious (knocked out = being asleep). I guess I could make that clearer 

Chapter 2 is good as well. But you stop the action with backstory in the first paragraphs. Seriously, you don't need those paragraphs. Delete them. Just keep driving forward with the battle scene. Weave the backstory in more delicately when this scene is over. For example, you did some nice weaving when you told us that the Flightless Owl was surviving because every plank had been laced with magic. 

One suggestion: ground the reader a bit with a little more description of each character. How old is Jeremy? What does Delia look like? What does the Captain look like? Is the Captain's name, Gregory? 

Hey anyone else out there. This might be a story for you to try. I'm on Chapter 2. It's good so far.

--Kidd

Kidd_Wadsworth Wrote:

Storm-Z1 Wrote:

Kidd_Wadsworth Wrote:

Storm-Z1 Wrote: Would be interested in hearing thoughts:

https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/62951/the-endless-expanse/chapter/1082119/chapter-1-poseidon-and-his-left-toe

First, I really liked your chapter. GREAT CHAPTER. 

I have a few suggestions, but keep in mind as you read them, that I REALLY LIKED YOUR CHAPTER. I was born in the U.S. and raised in the south and nobody says whilst. It's a perfectly fine word and if you only used it once, I would have ignored it. But it is in the chapter a few times. I'd take out all but one occurrence. This will help your U.S. readers feel more at home. 

Second, a captain of a ship wouldn't say "Change Course," he'd say, "20 degrees to Starboard," or something like that. Something specific. 

Third, I don't think sleep would come over the guy. Unless this has something to do with the world of your story. I'd believe that adrenaline was coursing through his veins, but sleep--no, I don't think so.

Keep writing. Nice work.

Ahh just doing the edits and see what you mean.

" Fighting through the agony and against the cold touch of sleep, he groped for something to hang onto. There should have been a rope nearby, strapped to the decking just for instances like this."

I was going for something like trying to stay conscious (knocked out = being asleep). I guess I could make that clearer 

Chapter 2 is good as well. But you stop the action with backstory in the first paragraphs. Seriously, you don't need those paragraphs. Delete them. Just keep driving forward with the battle scene. Weave the backstory in more delicately when this scene is over. For example, you did some nice weaving when you told us that the Flightless Owl was surviving because every plank had been laced with magic. 

One suggestion: ground the reader a bit with a little more description of each character. How old is Jeremy? What does Delia look like? What does the Captain look like? Is the Captain's name, Gregory? 

Hey anyone else out there. This might be a story for you to try. I'm on Chapter 2. It's good so far.

--Kidd

Yes, I was considering taking it out.

I was initially going to have it as a short story just for the January newsletter entry but reconsidering now haha.

Still have no idea where I'm going with it, but it won't be just stopping at finding land anymore

Angaramwrites Wrote:

Cymas Wrote: Not a ton of readers in the forums but it's a slow day at work so...

Silver, Sand & Silken Wings - This chapter doesn't work for me. I see what you're trying to do with it but it's just a prologue with extra steps. You've got my interest with the premise, but it's falling flat in the setup for the story. It's also way too long, imo. If this was tightened up significantly and involved more than just exposition via dialogue I would totally read on.

Just want to add this is in no way meant to discourage anyone! I am admittedly a fairly picky reader and my attention span just isn't what it used to be.

I am quite late to answer, but thanks for the feedback. Although why does it seem like prologue? I know that I like my long and descriptive writing, so that isn't a surprise, but why prologue? It is written from the Main POV at the time the story starts, so by definition it is no longer a prologue. Compared to the actual prologue that is apart from the main story and from a different POV.

Mainly because nothing happens. It's just your MC explaining their backstory via a long conversation using the other character as a stand-in for readers. She doesn't really have any clear goals or conflicts other than disagreeing with and reacting to the "official" version of events. I was almost expecting it to cut into a flashback or something. Wandering around aimlessly is realistic, but also not very exciting to read about. I really just wanted her to actually, you know, do something. You could easily cut the entire scene in half and use that space to give her some agency or direction, or trim it down even more and combine it with the second chapter where I presume is when the inciting incident happens. I haven't read past the first chapter yet so I'm not sure, but I am still thinking about the story. It just wasn't compelling enough to make me click to the next chapter even though I liked the overall premise.

Ah, I see. You probably wouldn't like the next chapters, because I really like my slow character driven stories. But that is what reader taste is about. Because the disagreement and following self-questioning is her inciting incident, the one event that starts her to really question her place in the world and family.

Current me would probably very much agree that things should be condensed more, but me three years ago wrote it like that and at some point you gotta finish up writing a story or get stuck forever.

Thanks for the comment.

Storm-Z1 Wrote:

Kidd_Wadsworth Wrote:

Storm-Z1 Wrote:

Kidd_Wadsworth Wrote:

Storm-Z1 Wrote: Would be interested in hearing thoughts:

https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/62951/the-endless-expanse/chapter/1082119/chapter-1-poseidon-and-his-left-toe

First, I really liked your chapter. GREAT CHAPTER. 

I have a few suggestions, but keep in mind as you read them, that I REALLY LIKED YOUR CHAPTER. I was born in the U.S. and raised in the south and nobody says whilst. It's a perfectly fine word and if you only used it once, I would have ignored it. But it is in the chapter a few times. I'd take out all but one occurrence. This will help your U.S. readers feel more at home. 

Second, a captain of a ship wouldn't say "Change Course," he'd say, "20 degrees to Starboard," or something like that. Something specific. 

Third, I don't think sleep would come over the guy. Unless this has something to do with the world of your story. I'd believe that adrenaline was coursing through his veins, but sleep--no, I don't think so.

Keep writing. Nice work.

Ahh just doing the edits and see what you mean.

" Fighting through the agony and against the cold touch of sleep, he groped for something to hang onto. There should have been a rope nearby, strapped to the decking just for instances like this."

I was going for something like trying to stay conscious (knocked out = being asleep). I guess I could make that clearer 

Chapter 2 is good as well. But you stop the action with backstory in the first paragraphs. Seriously, you don't need those paragraphs. Delete them. Just keep driving forward with the battle scene. Weave the backstory in more delicately when this scene is over. For example, you did some nice weaving when you told us that the Flightless Owl was surviving because every plank had been laced with magic. 

One suggestion: ground the reader a bit with a little more description of each character. How old is Jeremy? What does Delia look like? What does the Captain look like? Is the Captain's name, Gregory? 

Hey anyone else out there. This might be a story for you to try. I'm on Chapter 2. It's good so far.

--Kidd

Yes, I was considering taking it out.

I was initially going to have it as a short story just for the January newsletter entry but reconsidering now haha.

Still have no idea where I'm going with it, but it won't be just stopping at finding land anymore

All the Best,

Kidd

Angaramwrites Wrote: Ah, I see. You probably wouldn't like the next chapters, because I really like my slow character driven stories. But that is what reader taste is about. Because the disagreement and following self-questioning is her inciting incident, the one event that starts her to really question her place in the world and family.

Current me would probably very much agree that things should be condensed more, but me three years ago wrote it like that and at some point you gotta finish up writing a story or get stuck forever.

Thanks for the comment.

Slower paced and character driven is fine for me. My own story runs along those lines to an extent, at least in the beginning. There is simply a point where the slow pace is too slow and I think that's the case here, is all. She spends too much time passively reacting to essentially a non-event and by the time she was ready to move on, I just didn't feel like following her. I didn't necessarily mean do as in action, like excitement and car chases, but do as in active. I have read and enjoyed books where this style hook does work but the length of this type of introduction typically runs very short, like a page or less. Maybe two pages, at the max. That's why my suggestion is to trim it down and combine it with the following chapter. Something to consider for the next draft.

Believe me, I get how hard it is to balance this sort of thing. I avoid writing prologues, realized it was necessary for my story in ways that don't make sense to readers until about 40 chapters in, and 4 drafts later I'm still not happy with it because I feel it's still not strong enough. First chapters are so important and so hard to write at the same time, lol.

First chapters suck, they gotta say so much all at once. The end is hard too. And so is the middle really, writing is hard

JustACatGod Wrote: Here's a link to the first chapter of my 'Waifu Dungeon' story ...
https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/61282/waifu-dungeon-click-to-play-now/chapter/1049334/chapter-1-waking-up-to-a-new-you

Oh, this is quite interesting. A rare second person pov. Should have a litrpg tag.

The story was interesting. Would keep reading.
There is no problem with the story itself the grammar is okay, the style is also unique

As a reader, I think the problem is just the release date vs the chapter length. If you could post daily, this novel might catch up to some readers. 

Add some spacing between paragraph so it doesn't look like wall of text.

I have recently released mine, so there are not many chapters yet. Still, I hope that those who read my story will enjoy it.

https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/63491/oathkeeper-of-the-origin-sea-a-progression-fantasy/chapter/1091645/chapter-1-the-spirit-awakening-ritual-part-1

Laulau20 Wrote:

JustACatGod Wrote: Here's a link to the first chapter of my 'Waifu Dungeon' story ...
https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/61282/waifu-dungeon-click-to-play-now/chapter/1049334/chapter-1-waking-up-to-a-new-you

Oh, this is quite interesting. A rare second person pov. Should have a litrpg tag.

The story was interesting. Would keep reading.
There is no problem with the story itself the grammar is okay, the style is also unique

As a reader, I think the problem is just the release date vs the chapter length. If you could post daily, this novel might catch up to some readers. 

Add some spacing between paragraph so it doesn't look like wall of text.

Thanks for the feedback. Not real sure what the issue is with RoyalRoad's reader setting for paragraph spacing. Still can't get it to work for my fictions. I'd rather not manually add extra space between paragraphs for now so am holding out hope that the reader paragraph spacing setting will start working eventually.

Here's chapter one of my light novel, Marry X Princess. I split it into two parts so it wasn't overly long in one sitting. Ready to be torn to shreds!

Chapter 1 (part 1)


Chapter 1 (part 2)

AaronBloodgood Wrote: Here's chapter one of my light novel, Marry X Princess. I split it into two parts so it wasn't overly long in one sitting. Ready to be torn to shreds!

Chapter 1 (part 1)


Chapter 1 (part 2)

The image doesn't open on my browser. Maybe you can use another website to hold the image? Is it just me that has this problem?

The premise was incredibly interesting. It would catch fire if it were executed nicely. however, it fails on several premises. now that it still only had five chapters. you could fix it.

1. I find the accident incredibly discomforting. The car flipped over, MC saved the princess, then several minutes or seconds later, the princess' king's guard arrived on the scene. And they already had a summons from the king? Even though the accident is supposed to be an accident? not only is it too fast, can it still be called saving the princess life?

2. the white knight contract. only the king upholds it. neither the princess nor the MC wanted it. which feels like forced marriage. it would be one thing if one of them wanted them. The queen seemed to hate it too. and I can't help but wonder if this law can be misused by some evil noble.

3. Magic. the royals seemed to have magic but MC's life there seemed like ordinary anime highschool. need to explain how this world uses magic.

I would read this. the premise is really interesting.

the good thing
The MC had a background and childhood friend. not just some solitary, lonely MC
childhood friend and the princess both had characters.

I've been waffling back and forth on a rewrite of the first ten or so chapters of my story. Help me make up my mind! 

Rebirth of Civilization