I Need feedback so that i can improve

#1
at the moment  am close to finishing my first book and when I get to making the second book i want to have not as many problems as i do while writing the first one, and knowing me i can for the hell figure out what problems are present while write excluding basic grammar and pacing I think.

so yeah umm don't hold back give me the feedback i have always wanted to hear dammit.
Have a nice day and enjoy reading it I guess.
now that i think about it this an ad well if this gets removed then it gets removed I trust the almighty mods and admins wisdom. 

Re: I Need feedback so that i can improve

#2
Ok, with just a glance, I can tell you a few things.

-You need to use periods and punctuation. Some of your sentences go forever and ever.

-You need to pick a point of view. It seems to bounce around a little. 

-Capitalization and punctuation need work. A lack of periods, lack of capitals. 

All of this makes it very hard to read your story. I would really suggest using a spell checker, and even before that, reading a book on basic sentence structure. You've written 20 chapters. I would do some work on making them better before moving forward.

Re: I Need feedback so that i can improve

#3
The Wrote: Ok, with just a glance, I can tell you a few things.

-You need to use periods and punctuation. Some of your sentences go forever and ever.

-You need to pick a point of view. It seems to bounce around a little. 

-Capitalization and punctuation need work. A lack of periods, lack of capitals. 

All of this makes it very hard to read your story. I would really suggest using a spell checker, and even before that, reading a book on basic sentence structure. You've written 20 chapters. I would do some work on making them better before moving forward.

yea i do need to go back and re write those chapters as they were originally done on the website itself but after chapter 6 i moved over to word which i do not understand why i did not mover over sooner but thanks for the advice.

Re: I Need feedback so that i can improve

#5
I second everything that Walrus King suggested, and fully agree that it is almost impossible to get through the first couple of chapters.  

My advice would be to slow down.  Don't aim for a "flow" of words.  Instead, think about what you want to do with each chapter.  Prologue- The hook.  You want to give just enough to make people want to read more.  Chapter 1, introducing your characters and your world.  Etc.  But take your time with it.  Richard is the all-time hide and go seek champ?  Good idea building a scene around that fact and using it to introduce the friends he will leave behind.  Good effort on the showing not telling.  Contrast this with:

that hit hard i never really thought about that how would others feel if i die or leave for a while how would be i guess that's why i joined and want to join sooner so that i can make sure the same thing that happened to my younger brother does not happen again.

You are rushing to get the words out, so you make a lot of avoidable errors and take the drama out of what should be a touching, painful and relatable scene.  This is all completely fixable stuff, by the way.  Writing is like any other skill- it takes practice and effort.  You will get there.  

You might be able to find Steven King's book On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft in your library.  It certainly provided me with a lot of inspiration and ideas.  Strunk And White is a reliable style manual, though there are others.  If you want to read something free and online, google George Orwell's Politics and the English Language.  A longish essay, and the style feels dated given it's age, but still very good advice on writing generally.  As you might expect from Orwell, he does a good job of showing you exactly how the system works against you.

All in all, I hope you keep at it.  Best of luck!

Re: I Need feedback so that i can improve

#6
Disclaimer I didn't read your work but following the feedback you received


tools I use:

1) grammarly.com, you can use the online version. It even saves your doc online if you're premium or installs the addition on your PC and phone. It is REALLY a good investment.

2) Microsoft Word Speak Aloud (under the Review tab) - the voicing is really good to see if the sentences make sense, catching typos and placing proper punctuation

3) Deepl if you are ESL (it is free, no use for pro, I tried it for a year, the perks don't compensate the 200 euros); however, best translator online. Especially when your brain starts to fog between languages.

Re: I Need feedback so that i can improve

#7
Damn, so what i am seeing is that old me was rushing to get stuff out quick smart and that has backfired on me?

Damn you old me if i had a time machine i would slap and tell you to take your time! but thanks guys for the help and what not with the advice and where i should focus improving myself in i find it really hard sometimes to spot things that are areas i need to be better so i ask others and so here i am, so you guys are such a big help and so i will get to editing and tackle the task of editing chapter 3 when i get there. 

he will be taken down!