I'm struggling to write a nice synopsis for my story, I have written a new one, but I'm unsure if it's better or worse than the original. Which one do you feel is more appealing?

The current one:

Quote:It lies beneath the ground, under a massive mountain range. History books attest that hundreds of years ago all mankind was trapped inside. Nowadays people venture within its walls in search of treasures, fame and knowledge. Bigger than any kingdom, it provides food and resources to entire countries. Bustling human cities and menacing monster lairs can be found in its enormous caverns. It is The Dungeon, and in the world of Seelebierg everything revolves around it.

We will follow a young boy that's eager to enter the dungeon and start his life as an adventurer and a mysterious character who is desperate to escape fom it.

The new one:

Quote:Hi, I'm… Well, I don't remember my name, one day I woke up in this hellhole without my memories, even worse, I was a random filler mob whose only purpose is to annoy adventurers and feed stronger monsters.

Since then my life has been a disaster, but I will get back my memories and escape from this place, it doesn't matter how many tries it takes.

Oh, there is also that guy, Simon, he grew up in some mountain in the middle of nowhere, I swear the only thing in his mind is hunting monsters.

Hello, I'm Simon, I was a humble hunter who grew up in the mountains, one day my parents sent me with my uncle to become an adventurer, the dream job of any young boy. I was doing great until our party crossed paths with this strange monster. I swear I won't rest until I have hunted it down.

The story is written in first person from the perspective of those two characters. Both of them approach the dungeon form a radically different point of view, for Simon it is an exciting place where he can hunt as many monsters as he wants, as for the other character it is an unknown nightmarish place full of deathly dangers.

I would say the second is better but the first isn't bad. The last sentence is probably the weakest part of the first so if that got some tweaking the first would be viable too.

Beneath a massive mountain range lies a series of caverns known simply as The Dungeons. As big as an entire country, menacing monsters and bustling cities are around every corner. History attests that at one time, all Mankind was trapped within its walls. Nowadays, people venture in seeking treasure, knowledge and fame. So much so that in the world of Seelebierg, everything revolves around what's found traveling through The Dungeons.

Follow Simon, a humble hunter from the mountains seeking glory in The Dungeons many traps and lairs. While there, he makes an unusual acquaintance -- a young man much like himself, who no longer remembers his name. As much as Simon dreams of adventure, fighting monsters and finding treasure, all this young man wants to do is escape his nightmare hell.

Simon is his only hope. Salvation lies high in the mountains, while below there's only danger and death.

🐞

If you go with the second version, you need a BIG, CLEAR seperation of the two character's POV's. Currently we talk about The Dungeon, and there's a big random non-sequitur to Simon.

For example:

Quote:The dungeon lalala...

---

"Hello, I'm Simon, lololo."

Also, I would advise to remove the "Hello I'm Simon", it sounds silly, and without " " quotes it's not clear the character is speaking to the reader directly. Like breaking the fourth wall, which is interesting but completely unexpected!

I would like to point out that you wrote a synopsis for your synopsis.

Quote:Both of them approach the dungeon form a radically different point of view, for Simon it is an exciting place where he can hunt as many monsters as he wants, as for the other character it is an unknown nightmarish place full of deathly dangers.

Why not use this as a starting point instead? Two characters, and a dungeon that means very different things to them.

Hello, I read all your messages over the weekend, but didn't have time to write a proper reply.

Fiends Wrote: I would say the second is better but the first isn't bad. The last sentence is probably the weakest part of the first so if that got some tweaking the first would be viable too.

Yes, I feel like the first synopsis just doesn't tell what the story is about. The last sentence is a quick addon I put later to see if it would affect the reader count.

ArDeeBurger Wrote: Beneath a massive mountain range lies a series of caverns known simply as The Dungeons. As big as an entire country, menacing monsters and bustling cities are around every corner. History attests that at one time, all Mankind was trapped within its walls. Nowadays, people venture in seeking treasure, knowledge and fame. So much so that in the world of Seelebierg, everything revolves around what's found traveling through The Dungeons.

Follow Simon, a humble hunter from the mountains seeking glory in The Dungeons many traps and lairs. While there, he makes an unusual acquaintance -- a young man much like himself, who no longer remembers his name. As much as Simon dreams of adventure, fighting monsters and finding treasure, all this young man wants to do is escape his nightmare hell.

Simon is his only hope. Salvation lies high in the mountains, while below there's only danger and death.

🐞

I had a lot of fun reading this. It's also very interesting as a base to write a new synopsis, it would need some work because the second part is not very accurate, ha ha.

Ararara Wrote: If you go with the second version, you need a BIG, CLEAR seperation of the two character's POV's. Currently we talk about The Dungeon, and there's a big random non-sequitur to Simon.
[...]
Also, I would advise to remove the "Hello I'm Simon", it sounds silly, and without " " quotes it's not clear the character is speaking to the reader directly. Like breaking the fourth wall, which is interesting but completely unexpected!

Thank you for pointing the lack of quotes. As a non native speaker I don't really get why the "Hello, I'm Simon" sounds silly :/.
PD: I had a line separating the two POVs's but it got lost somewhere...

madisj Wrote: I would like to point out that you wrote a synopsis for your synopsis.
[...]
Why not use this as a starting point instead? Two characters, and a dungeon that means very different things to them.

I have thought about including it as a point in the synopsis, but don't really know how I should develop it.

---

Thank you for all your feedback. I think I will replace the current synopsis with a slightly changed version of the second one and see how it fares while I write a third one that includes the three points I want to highlight, the big dungeon as a mysterious place, the two main characters of the story and how they approach the dungeon in very different ways. I hope I don't end up with a synopsis that feels too bloated.

EuRoboto Wrote: I had a lot of fun reading this. It's also very interesting as a base to write a new synopsis, it would need some work because the second part is not very accurate, ha ha.

I'm glad you liked the rewrite I made of your blurb.  Something to keep in mind is that a blurb does not have to be 100% accurate. It just has to get a person to want to read your story.

If you were to look at the blurbs of professionally published that you have already read, you would see that some of them skim over certain details, or highlight things that aren't part of the main plot.

It's the reason why professionally published books have someone other than the author write the blurb. 
The idea is to get the book sold -- not tell the whole tale in two paragraphs. 📚

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ArDeeBurger Wrote: I'm glad you liked the rewrite I made of your blurb.  Something to keep in mind is that a blurb does not have to be 100% accurate. It just has to get a person to want to read your story.

If you were to look at the blurbs of professionally published that you have already read, you would see that some of them skim over certain details, or highlight things that aren't part of the main plot.

It's the reason why professionally published books have someone other than the author write the blurb. 
The idea is to get the book sold -- not tell the whole tale in two paragraphs. 📚

Oh, I see, I should aim to 'sell' the story to my readers, not to make a resume. For now I have changed the first synopsis for the the second one, but it's not doing very well.

karei714 Wrote: There is literally no question. 
one of them is talking in god narrator mode, and the other is following two different characters, now while I'm certain this is 1st person narrative, it doesn't feel like it is right now, which is really good because I cant stand the "feel" of 1st person. and people who love 1st person, don't mind if that, "feeling" isn't there as long as they can, "become" the character.

Um... Maybe it's beacuse I'm too tired right now but I can't really tell which synopsis you like.

Well, after trying the second synopsis for a couple chapter releases I must say it's amazing... at not bringing in any new readers. Curiously, while I have had zero new readers at the time of release I seem to have a stream of new readers at random days.

I think I will put back the original synopsis for now since I haven't written a new one yet. I guess my next step will be to get some review swaps, I have read about them in the forums but I'm not sure how it all works, I will look into it tomorrow.