Hello, it's MelasDelta, not the author of He Who Does Not Fight with Monsters, the Primal Hamster, and Acceptance of the Fall. Today, I will be outlining the biggest and best writing advice I can give to all authors. Strap in folks, because these are the five most important things I believe writers should keep in mind when writing their story! You won't believe number 5!

Tip #1: Writing female characters.
This is a common mistake I see a lot of authors in RR do. IMO it's a problem that's actually endemic to progression fantasy as a whole, and there two main parts to this. The first being how female characters are described and the second in how they are portrayed.

I see a lot of progression fantasy authors describing female characters in a very superficial way. For example, saying they are "beautiful", "breathtaking", and adding tiny tidbits on the side like, "she had raven hair".

This is too vague of a description. It's very hard to imagine what 'beautiful' even is. And 'raven hair'? How long is her hair? How is it styled? It's hard to imagine what it even looks like. To leave an impression on your readers, you want to focus on a trait that actually matters and elaborate on that. But no one really cares if a female character has freckles or if she's wearing a green blouse. You want to find a physical feature that actually matters to your readers, and there is only one thing-- or two things-- on a female character that actually matters.

Boobs.

Like, who even cares about anything else? All that matters is a female character's boobs. But you want to elaborate on that too. Clarify what sized boobs we're talking about here. Is it a D cup? A double D cup? A G cup?

Always clarify. Never leave it up to the imagination. Make sure the readers know the exact measurements of your female character's boobs. Added points if you also describe her underwear underneath her clothes too. You may think this may break your readers' suspension of disbelief because how could we possibly see the female character's underwear?

Well, Anton Chekhov once said, “Don’t tell me the moon is shining; show me the glint of light on broken glass.”

So, don't tell me the female character has big boobs; show me the tension of the fabric of her sexy underwear beneath her shirt.

Now to the second part of writing female characters: how they are portrayed. First of all, I see a lot of authors making the mistake of making your protagonist female. Which... makes no sense to me? A female character cannot be the protagonist because protagonists are meant to be driven, independent, and useful, which females are not. So if you're writing a female protagonist, your only task is to delete the document and restart with a male protagonist.

Anyway, now that that's out of the way, the next step is depicting female characters accurately. Alexandre Dumas said that "no one can invent fictional characters without first having made a lengthy study of people" and I have done a lengthy study of females.

Have you ever met a woman? I mean, I haven't. I haven't spoken to a girl since Stacy slapped me for peeping in the girl's bathroom back in elementary school. But that's beside the point. Females are supposed to be useless damsels in distress whose sole purpose of existing is to be saved by the male protagonist. Then, after that, they are to devote their entire life and purpose to servicing the male protagonist.

They cannot have their own wants and needs. They cannot have dreams or ambition. If you have two female characters in a room and they're not talking about a man? You're doing something wrong. You want to maintain an accurate and realistic depiction of females, otherwise it breaks your readers' suspension of disbelief.

Tip #2: Writing side characters.
There is a famous quote from Ernest Hemmingway I didn't really understand when I first heard it-- the quote reads, “There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.”

At the time, I was quite new to writing so I didn't really understand what he meant. Was he asking me to stab myself over my keyboard? Was it a satanic blood ritual meant to conjure words up on the page for me? After performing a few human sacrifices and buying a typewriter, I realized that's not what he meant.

Hemmingway wasn't being literal. He was, in fact, employing this niche, unknown literary technique called a 'metaphor'. What he actually meant was that you're supposed to make the page bleed with the blood of your protagonist's enemies.

If you ever find a side character looking at your protagonist the wrong way, your protagonist has to kill them. If a side character is looking at your protagonist's harem the wrong way, your protagonist has to kill them. If a side character exists, your protagonist has to kill them.

There is no way for your protagonist to assert dominance over others if he doesn't kill literally everyone and anyone he meets that isn't in his harem. Show, don't tell. You can't just tell me your protagonist is strong because he tanked a supernova. You have to show me your protagonist is strong by having him get rid of all competition ever. And that's why these side characters exist-- they are a plot device with only one purpose which is to show off how absolutely amazing your protagonist is.

Tip #3: Diction
I hear this really bad advice from some unknown author constantly circulating around writing circles-- I think his name was Georgie Andwell who wrote a book about farm animals back in the mid 80s or something like that-- that claims you should "never use a long word where a short one will do".

This is a very bad advice IMO because you always want to come across as sophisticated as possible to your readers so they don't think you are dumb, and the only way to do that is by always using a long word.

Instead of saying,

Quote:The man left the crowd with his wife.

You should always say,

Quote:The lugubrious fellow plodded away from the invidious whingings of the throng of rabble with his pulchritudinous but perfidious wife.

Word choice is incredibly important as an author. Make sure you keep a Tyrannosaurus at your side whenever you're writing so you can easily pull up cinnamons whenever necessary to make yourself look smart.

Tip #4: Prose
Many people mistake prose for diction or grammar or orthography. I'm here to tell you it's none of that. When I spent about five seconds skimming around... I mean, watching Brandon Sanderson's lecture on prose on YouTube, he compares prose to a windowpane. He says that it's the glass window that shows us into the world of the story.

I'll be real, I feel like that's an outdated comparison. Most people probably don't even know what a windowpane is. I sure as hell don't. Windows? Isn't that the company that made my laptop? Anyway, I think a more apt modern comparison would be that prose is the filter you put over your social media pictures.

And as everyone knows, when using Instagram or any social media, you want to use as many filters as possible. You want to photoshop the fuck out of your picture so you look as perfect as humanely possible.

This means that every sentence you write has to have a metaphor, a simile, or any other literary technique employed. Never refer to a "ball" as just a "ball". You need to personify it, add in some imagery, make it analogous to some famous classic piece of literature that no one gives two fucks about, and sprinkle in some alliteration without much of a purpose.

Do not say:

Quote:The boy kicked the ball across the field.

Instead say:

Quote:The vessel which carried the hopes and dreams of the young scion flew across the warring battlefield of youth like the Ancient Greek Hero Icarus as he donned the wax wings of Daedalus and soared towards the sun.

Going back to the windowpane analogy, if you want to add a purple tint to the story, what this means is that you want the glass to be colored an entirely opaque purple.

Lastly, Tip #5: Critique
Remember: when people tell you something’s wrong or doesn’t work for them, they are almost always right. When they tell you exactly what they think is wrong and how to fix it, they are almost always wrong. - Neil Gaiman

Now, I never heard of Neil Gaiman before. Neil who? But I looked at his Twitter for five seconds and decided he's cringe because he wrote the song [color=var(--newCommunityTheme-linkText)]Mr Sandman. It's a decent song, but very old honestly, and I don't know why he'd be giving writers advice. Anyway, I strongly disagree with this quote.[/color]

If you write a thing and show it to 1,000 people. If 999 of the people say that X is good, but 1 person says X is bad, you want to listen to the 1 person and remove X completely. In fact, you must always listen to the 1 person no matter what they say. Doesn't matter if it's not constructive criticism. All criticism should be listened to always. Never in the history of humanity as a whole has anyone every been wrong about anything. Ever.

Except for those 999 other people who say that X is good. Those guys are always wrong.

And there you have it. These are my top 5 tips for authors in RR! It covers about everything you need to know about writing. It's great advice, trust me. The source is I made it all the fuck up.

Very trustworthy 

Mindless boobs, bloody murder, truly refined prose, and the critic is always right.

I think I got it, but where does the soul crushing fear of dying a meaningless death play into things.

*Reads tip #1*

I need a weapon.

Truly one of the authors of our time.

Not gonna lie, you had me there for a second.

Gotta give the people what they want.

Great guide!

MVP of Royalroad! A post so good I'm worried that this might get moved and Stickied to the Writing Guides subforum!

I feel the enlightenment flowing through my veins as I bask in the glory of this post.

I've improved as a writer by just reading this post. Thank you  
I realize I must now add a chapter to my catgirls story solely dedicated to describing the girls' boobs. It can contain no other information, other than the shape and size of their underwear. I don't know how I've left this vital information out for so long; I must apologize to all the readers.

I believe a guy named Jonathan Swift might have A Modest Proposal for you.

A quick search tells me there is no writers prize for satire.  Probably too much work for too little pay.  Apparently only litRPG and romcom make people rich.

If the prize existed, I’d nominate you.

🙏🙏🙏

Mad Wrote: It can contain no other information, other than the shape and size of their underwear.

Don't forget the tension of the underwear. Straining to the point of almost tearing!

Yep.... I can see all the great literature I have been missing. All the high-minded creation. The wisdom of process. The "how-to's" liberally shared.

Stretchy fabrics and mammary. 

I couldn't finish the guide. I got stuck on the boobs. 

Having implemented all of these, I can confirm that this advice is spot on. There are nothing but angry comments and reviews calling me a misogynist and a terrible writer, but that's how I know that my story is perfect. Because the Truth makes people angry, and everybody who reads my work is angry. 

Lol god

MelasDelta Wrote: Quote:
The lugubrious fellow plodded away from the invidious whingings of the throng of rabble with his pulchritudinous but perfidious wife.

Grammarly wants me to use "Pulchritudinous" a bit less.

What if I like my female protagonist to play things close to her chest? Do I fail Tip #1?

Write that down write that down!