Re: I'll read your story and tell you why I stopped

#26
Hey, thanks for doing this! My novel is in my signature, here's the synopsis:

When Mark's troubled friend, Ruby, takes her own life, a grieving Mark heads to her suicide spot to pay his respects. In a strange twist of fate, he is attacked by a powerful spirit that reveals itself to be Ruby. Shen, an exorcist from the Spiritual Anomalies Investigation Bureau, an organisation dedicated to investigating the supernatural, arrives on the scene and attempts to save Mark but complications result in Ruby's spirit binding with Mark. Now, under the guidance of the Spiritual Anomalies Investigation Bureau, Mark has to learn how to use the powers of Ruby's spirit bound to him to exorcise other spirits while revisiting Ruby's troubled past in order to unbind Ruby's spirit and allow her to pass properly into the afterlife.

It's meant for teens to young adults. It has some mentions of suicide as well as supernatural elements. 

Re: I'll read your story and tell you why I stopped

#29

Max Wrote: I love this. Please, tell me.

Target audience is anyone with an internet connection and at least one kidney.



Chapter reached: 2.5

EXCELLENT STORY. I really love it and probably will get back to it,

I actually LOVE how you are pacing your chapters even though it's unconventional. It really allows the reader to absorb the content in isolation and take a deep breath between each of the scenes. Honestly, it almost makes it feel like a script for a play, movie or comic. It really helps focusing on every critical moments.

But I had to put it down here for a moment and seeing as most your reviews also seem to be putting it down around here to tell you as much, I think I should elaborate why i'm stopping.

This chapter (and 2.4 to some degree) are pretty weak logically. It is obvious you are trying to push your story forward and when the rest of the chapters flowed so naturally, it really stands out. I know you need this group of teenagers/young adults to go on an adventurer because that's your story, but the way you went about it lacks believability.

Inoue is likable, but no one batting an eye at the mute boy and the mayor's daughter being the only two volunteer in an entire town feels a bit on the nose. I don't think Inoue's age is outright stated, but as a reader I assumed he was between 14 and 17 (that's the age of a "hormonal boy" in my mind).  We don't have, as reader's a proper understanding of why it's okay for him to go. We don't understand why he's qualified. To be honest 2-3 crowd comments could probably fix that, but for now it's a bit of a stretch.

The whole preparation talk in chapter 2.5 is also too on the nose "If you have to go further, you'll have to figure it out" thing feels way too obvious. I have no doubt in my mind now that the doctor in that other town will either: be dead, 'missing' or not useful.

For such an otherwise well crafted story with beautiful prose, these logic-leap are a bit of a show stopper, but seeing your writting skills, I'm sure this is an easy fix!

Great story!

Despite what I just said I will go back to it, this is simply what made me take a slight step back.

Re: I'll read your story and tell you why I stopped

#34

Kobayashi Wrote: Thanks for getting to First Flame. I figured that would be why but I still don't know why retention for that chapter is so high.

I did finally split it in half though. Do let me know if you pick it back up and where it gets worse.
DrakanWine


One thing I did note on my own stories is that if readers reopen the same chapters multiple time, it counts as more views (some of my chapters have random spikes)

So since those are long chapters, your readers are more likely to read them over multiple day and that might inflate the views (though that's more of a guess)

Re: I'll read your story and tell you why I stopped

#36

Waurpel Wrote:
Kobayashi Wrote: Thanks for getting to First Flame. I figured that would be why but I still don't know why retention for that chapter is so high.

I did finally split it in half though. Do let me know if you pick it back up and where it gets worse.
DrakanWine


One thing I did note on my own stories is that if readers reopen the same chapters multiple time, it counts as more views (some of my chapters have random spikes)

So since those are long chapters, your readers are more likely to read them over multiple day and that might inflate the views (though that's more of a guess)
Didn't think about that. At one point, I should really go back through the first 10 chapters of Carnivore. But like how I encountered with editing the first 3 chapters; the numbers are padded weirdly as a result.


Oh well, thanks for the input!

Re: I'll read your story and tell you why I stopped

#37
Hmm, I am always on the look for souls... I mean new readers, and I would like your input if you are still open to new works.

Since my story can get a bit darker in places, the target audience is 18+. It doesn't mean that there is blood, gore, sex, and torture on every page (not even every ten chapters actually) but there are some heavier topics like assault, human trafficking, war, and drugs that are discussed in a hopefully tasteful manner. If you are not sure if you will be able to read it, take a peek at the other reviews...

Re: I'll read your story and tell you why I stopped

#38
I'm game if you're still doing these! Story is The Stormcrow Cycle and the target audience is 18+ lovers of tragic romance. It's pretty grimdark too, fyi, and slow-moving. (I mean... it's mostly romantic slice-of-life atm so it's all character work for now.)

I've noticed you have quite the backlog, so if you're not still doing these, no problem! I still thank you for your service to the community! =)

Re: I'll read your story and tell you why I stopped

#39
If you don't mind, I'll throw in my story Unending War. Target audience... I guess people who like character regression and war-related themes? There are some scenes of gore and heavy trauma, but they're not very common.

I'm on a very slow journey to simultaneously rewrite old chapters and publish new chapters, so at some point (assuming you reach there) it'll feel very, very jarring. Currently that point is the line between chapter 9 and 10.

Hope you'll find the read interesting!