Seeking a coherency check
please tell me if this is readable and coherent in its current state, I have edited it up to chapter 5. I have zero experience in writing, so asking the community what I am getting right and wrong is key. I'm looking to refine my style and have a polished product by the end.
any articles and guides you deem pertinent to me based on what you see in my writing are welcome.
Spend a load of time plodding out the world and plot points the issue I'm having is the actual writing part.
I can understand what you are trying to say, albeit with difficulty, as the grammar confuses me. Sometimes the sentences are blended together.
I think you should ask for writing help in another thread with a paragraph from the story. The community will tell you what to fix.(Dw, my grammar isnt too good either.)
Best of luck! You have good ideas, and I would love to read your work again after a polishing.
The grammar is a bit erratic, there seemed to be quite a lot of sentences that omit commas where they would be appropriate to break up a sentence, and a few others that add commas where it wouldn't be appropriate. The dialogue seems to have many questions that lack question-marks. This can make it a bit difficult to read, especially since the dialogue is often not spaced out. Typically, people add a new line each time a new character is speaking, rather than placing a long conversation into a single paragraph.
The writing switches tone and perspective a bit too quickly sometimes. For instance, the prologue switches from describing a man having a conversation to an overall summary of the story without any clear division between the two. The first chapter also switches between the past and present with little warning, and this can make it unclear what is happening.
The writing switches between past tense and present tense sometimes, and this can be a bit awkward. The space between paragraphs is also larger sometimes, and it's not always explained why.
Some of the dialogue is written a bit awkwardly, so I tried to illustrate how that could be dealt with in basic terms:
Quote:Deric spoke, tearing Clive away from his current thought, “Oh right, is your sister coming?”
“I’ll bring Alley, just like I do every year,” Clive replied, before his expression shifted and he changed the subject. “How have the deer been?" he asked Deric.
“Why are you asking that - oh... your sister is 14 now, isn't she?”
Clive gave an affirming nod, “It’s about that time, dad told me to do it since he doesn’t have the time, she’s already started fasting.”
There was an awkward pause.
“I know it’s that time, but isn’t keeping her from eating a bit cruel?” Derrick replied.
Clive looked down, balling his fists as if recalling something painful. He said, “I- I can’t say I’m a fan either, but there is a reason for it... It’s a family matter, it's not something you would be in a position to understand, it's part of what made me who I am.”
That still probably has issues, I just tried to make some slight improvements. For instance, 'he asked Deric' and 'why are you asking that' are a bit repetitive, so it might be easier to omit the first 'asked' and just let the question-mark make it clear that it's a question, as here:
Quote:“I’ll bring Alley, just like I do every year,” Clive replied, before his expression shifted and he changed the subject. “How have the deer been?"
In general, you seem to have a story that you'd like to tell here, but there are issues like grammar that can make it unclear.