Asking for Feedback

#1
It is my first time writing, and I am as untrained in this as any other peasant. Could I ask for some feedback from the others here? I would very much like to know what I am doing right, and what I am doing wrong.


2931 AC, 31st of Elkwood

The mornings in Helmsfrost were always beautiful to behold. The ground is covered with a heavy blanket of snow. Sunlight dances across the hoarfrost-encrusted shrubbery, and the evergreen trees are covered with a splendid coat of the finest make, whiter than ivory, and softer than cotton. 

I hate every minute of it. The bards sing of the beauty of Helmsfrost, likening it to Vintergatan in the Mortal Realms, and yet they never mention the balls-shrinking cold. Would not sound good in songs, I suppose. The blasted cold, the ever present cold, sinks in ever deeper with each passing morn. It reminds me of my age, of death coming to hover ever closer. But this morning is an important one. 

My joints creak and groan as I descend to my Sanctum. There, the village elders have gathered; the chieftain is present in all of his regalia. All gather in a half circle around the stone pedestal and the great tome that lies on top of it. In the center of this gathering is a boy of sixteen winters, attempting and failing to hide both his trepidation and excitement.

“So. Here you are, Alaric. Ready to take the mantle of Lorekeeper. It is not an easy burden, or else it would be no duty. You will not have your riches, or your glory, but honor, will flow freely.”

The boy looks frightened by my words; his eyes dart left and right, but before long, he steels himself. He looks at me, fiery resolve overcoming the last bits of fear upon his face. 

“Yes,”he says, “I am willing to do my duty”.

I pass him the dagger. It is a curious thing, crude, almost primitive in it’s make; a blade of lustrous stone, dark as midnight, with a blood red shimmer that seems to move under the torchlight. He takes it, and pricks open his thumb. A single drop, falls, upon the large tome upon the pedestal. 

With a hint of a smile, I speak, “Welcome to our ranks, initiate.”


I am planning to end chapter here and subtly tie it back in to the segue about the cold by "something something successor...no longer fear death... mornings more tolerable" for some quips and some writing device that I dont know the name of.


Thank you very much for your time, I appreciate it very much.

Re: Asking for Feedback

#2
The mornings in Helmsfrost were always beautiful to behold. The ground is covered with a heavy blanket of snow. Sunlight dances across the hoarfrost-encrusted shrubbery, and the evergreen trees are covered with a splendid coat of the finest make, whiter than ivory, and softer than cotton.

Okay! So you are writing in the Present Tense, but your first sentence is in the Past Tense. Plus you ought to avoid unnecesary superlatives, so let's remove the ALWAYS. That changes it to:

The mornings is Helmsfrost ARE beautiful to behold.

Next, HOARFROST-ENCRUSTED is not really a word, and there is no good reason for creating one via the use of a hyphen. Also EVERGREEN TREES are typically called EVERGREENS and you are using four adjectives to describe them - SPLENDID FINEST WHITER and SOFTER. So let's get rid of one. You also use the word COVERED twice, which is redundant.

Sunlight dances across the shrubbery encrusted in hoarfrost, and the evergreens wear a coat of the finest make, whiter than ivory, and softer than cotton.


I hate every minute of it. The bards sing of the beauty of Helmsfrost, likening it to Vintergatan in the Mortal Realms, and yet they never mention the balls-shrinking cold. Would not sound good in songs, I suppose. The blasted cold, the ever present cold, sinks in ever deeper with each passing morn. It reminds me of my age, of death coming to hover ever closer. But this morning is an important one.

Okay again. So here you say EVERY MINUTE OF IT, yet you have not mentioned the passage of any sort of time, so there is no IT to be referred to. Also, saying AND YET is redundant. And you create another fake word by hyphenating BALLS-SHRINKING. Next, your third sentence is a fragment.

I hate the thought of it. The bards sing of the beauty of Helmsfrost, likening it to Vintergatan in the Mortal Realms, yet they never mention the kind of cold that shrinks your balls. I suppose it would not sound good in songs.

in your next sentence you say COLD twice and then say EVER twice, saying EVER again for a third time in the very next sentence. You also say the cold is BLASTED and is PRESENT. These adjectives don't go together well. Finally, you first said it was MORNING but now say it is MORN.

Saying COMING TO HOVER instead of HOVERING is a form of passive writing. Also, you've used IT to refer to MORNING in this paragraph, and then used IT again in the next sentence to refer to BEAUTY. So you ought not use the word IT a third time in the same paragraph, this time to refer to COLD.

The blasted cold sinks in deeper with each passing day, reminding me of my age, and of death hovering ever closer.


My joints creak and groan as I descend to my Sanctum. There, the village elders have gathered; the chieftain is present in all of his regalia. All gather in a half circle around the stone pedestal and the great tome that lies on top of it. In the center of this gathering is a boy of sixteen winters, attempting and failing to hide both his trepidation and excitement.

In this paragraph you have used a semi-colon incorrectly and unnecessarily, creating a run-on sentence by attaching two sentences that have no bearing toward one another. You also say ALL twice in the space of three words, and say GATHERED and GATHER and GATHERING. Next, your second sentence is too wordy, which is another form of passive writing. Finally the words OF and BOTH are not needed.

The village elders are there, the chieftain present in all his regalia. They stand in a half circle around the tome that lies atop the stone pedestal. In the center of this gathering is a boy of sixteen winters, attempting and failing to hide his trepidation and excitement.


“So. Here you are, Alaric. Ready to take the mantle of Lorekeeper. It is not an easy burden, or else it would be no duty. You will not have your riches, or your glory, but honor, will flow freely.”

Here, the only problems are the the comma after RICHES and the comma after HONOR. Both should not be there. Also, using periods instead of commas after SO and ALARIC, and saying OR ELSE is all bad Englsih, but since it is someone talking rather than your narrative, it can be allowed. I would not condone it though.

“So, here you are, Alaric, ready to take the mantle of Lorekeeper. It is not an easy burden, or it would be no duty. You will not have your riches or your glory, but honor will flow freely.”


The boy looks frightened by my words; his eyes dart left and right, but before long, he steels himself. He looks at me, fiery resolve overcoming the last bits of fear upon his face.

Again, you use a semi-colon incorrectly, creating a run-on sentence. Semi-colons should be avoided like the plague! There are only very certain rules to which they must be applied, which I will not go into here. But suffice to say, connecting two sentences together that have no bearing on each other is an incorrect usage. There also should not be a comma after LONG. Also the proper metaphor is LAST BIT, and I would eliminate the comma after ME. Finally, unless the boy is standing on a platform of some sort, thus making you look UP at him, the fear is ON HIS FACE, and not UPON it.

The boy looks frightened by my words. His eyes dart left and right, but before long he steels himself. He looks at me and fiery resolve overcomes the last bit of fear on his face.


In your next sentence, you need a space between the second quotation mark and the word HE. Also, the period at the end goes before the last quotation mark. I'm sure these are just typos.

“Yes,” he says, “I am willing to do my duty.”


I pass him the dagger. It is a curious thing, crude, almost primitive in it’s make; a blade of lustrous stone, dark as midnight, with a blood red shimmer that seems to move under the torchlight. He takes it, and pricks open his thumb. A single drop, falls, upon the large tome upon the pedestal.

Again! Another semi-colon. Uf da, you've got to stop using them! The fragment you've placed after it is too long to be conected to the sentence written prior. Also the possessive form of ITS has no apostrophe. Then, there should be no commas both before the word AND, and before and after the word FALLS. And since the TOME was not at first described as being LARGE, it ought not be so here. Finally, you say UPON twice within three words, and since we already know the TOME sits upon a PEDESTAL, saying so again is just redundant.

I pass him the dagger. It is a curious thing, crude, almost primitive in its make. The blade is a lustrous stone, dark as midnight, with a blood red shimmer that seems to move under the torchlight. He takes it and pricks open his thumb. A single drop falls upon the tome.


In your final sentence, since the word INITIATE is being used as a title, it ought to be capitalized. Also, the word SPEAK cannot be used as a dialogue tag, so the comma that comes after it ought to be a period [full-stop].

With a hint of a smile, I speak. “Welcome to our ranks, Initiate.”


I hope I have been of help, and good luck with your story, It sounds interesting! ❤🐉❤

Re: Asking for Feedback

#5

SpaghettiWerfer Wrote: The mornings in Helmsfrost were always beautiful to behold. The ground is covered with a heavy blanket of snow. Sunlight dances across the hoarfrost-encrusted shrubbery, and the evergreen trees are covered with a splendid coat of the finest make, whiter than ivory, and softer than cotton.


you go from past tense to present tense in the same paragraph

SpaghettiWerfer Wrote: I hate every minute of it. The bards sing of the beauty of Helmsfrost, likening it to Vintergatan in the Mortal Realms, and yet they never mention the balls-shrinking cold. Would not sound good in songs, I suppose. The blasted cold, the ever present cold, sinks in ever deeper with each passing morn. It reminds me of my age, of death coming to hover ever closer. But this morning is an important one.


your narrator is now a first person pov, but your first paragraph is written with a typical book narration. its jarring

SpaghettiWerfer Wrote: Ready to take the mantle of Lorekeeper.


is this meant to be a question?


SpaghettiWerfer Wrote: “So. Here you are, Alaric. Ready to take the mantle of Lorekeeper. It is not an easy burden, or else it would be no duty. You will not have your riches, or your glory, but honor, will flow freely.”


who is speaking here?


SpaghettiWerfer Wrote: duty”.


period goes in the quotations, not on the outside


SpaghettiWerfer Wrote: A single drop, falls, upon the large tome upon the pedestal.
you dont need commas here



SpaghettiWerfer Wrote: I am planning to end chapter here and subtly tie it back in to the segue about the cold by "something something successor...no longer fear death... mornings more tolerable" for some quips and some writing device that I dont know the name of.


id recommend introducing your narrator. if this is meant to be the first chapter, then we have no clue who he is, what his relation is to the tribe hes in, or really anything. Go into depth about the tribe, the significance of the ritual. Make efforts to move the plot along. Talk about the history of the tribe, not to much, but enough to establish a bit of world building. Have your main character interact with more characters, showcase your main setting a bit more. I learned more about the winter than the actual tribe, which is bad.

the other dude went over the grammar with a fine tooth comb, i dont think i need to do that too much, but i hoped my last part helps!

Re: Asking for Feedback

#6
Alright, other people have covered the grammar bits better than I ever could so I'll touch on a few other parts that stuck out to me. One is that we currently have almost zero idea what the main character, his apprentice, or their living area looks like. Since I'm assuming they'll be main characters at least three characteristics tend to be recommended for important characters, things, and settings. The more you describe something the more important the character is led to believe it will be, and as such currently the most important things appear to be the dagger, Helmsfrost, and the old man.

A good way to subtlety introduce some more description would be the old man catching his reflection in the mirror, and going by his self opinion make comments about how ugly/frail or wise/sage he looks in his old age. You can then move onto noting small details about the home area as he carefully steps around furniture or bits of mess the apprentice left behind on the way down to his warmer, yet still too damn cold, basement where the ritual is being set up. You can then introduce aspects of the apprentice by having the old man mentally tally things he's done slightly wrong or how he's behaving, ect. Or have him not comment on any of it, maybe imply that he's honestly stopped caring/paid attention to what his apprentices look like as he's trained so many they've all started running together. 

What you choose to describe and how it's described can tell your reader a lot about the narrator and the world around them so I'd suggest expounding on details a bit more in the future. Especially early on to help the reader settle into the narrator's mindset.