Structure and Grammar Improvement.

#1
I'm still new to writing, and I'm looking to improve my structure and grammar since its definitely one of my weaknesses.

I've tried to format my most recent fiction post to reflect this. 
Basically, I'm asking for a little feedback on whether - Hero, Chapter 2 Part 5 - is an improvement on my previous posts.

If anyone could help with this, it would be much appreciated.

Re: Structure and Grammar Improvement.

#2
I had a quick look and my honest suggestion would be to reconsider some of your commas. Some of the sentences feel obnoxiously long. Example below:

" As the two stood in complete silence, just out of sight of the raiders, obscured by a screen of smoke that engulfed the village, Hero looked behind the butcher, he was looking at the bakery’s hanging sign, which had had the rope holding it up severed on one end, leaving it lopsided, drifting in the wind. "

Have you tried reading it aloud? It can make it more obvious when sentences are longer than they have any right to be. Just breaking it up a little can make it easier to follow, even without changing much of the wording.

The two stood in complete silence, just out of sight of the raiders, obscured by a screen of smoke that engulfed the village. Hero looked behind the butcher. He was looking at the bakery’s hanging sign, which had had the rope holding it up severed on one end, leaving it lopsided, drifting in the wind.

Re: Structure and Grammar Improvement.

#3
If you're worried about grammar, I recommend running your chapters through something like https://hemingwayapp.com/ or https://app.grammarly.com/ . It will find the common mistakes like run-on sentences and comma splices. (Are they splices? I don't know grammar either). Also I use http://naturalreaders.com for reading my chapters aloud to me so that I'm not biased by how it sounds in my head. It'll let you notice things like flow and over-repeating words too much that grammar software won't. I had a lot of issue with my grammar early on as well and these things are mandatory for me now, lol :) 

Re: Structure and Grammar Improvement.

#5

Astrille Wrote: I had a quick look and my honest suggestion would be to reconsider some of your commas. Some of the sentences feel obnoxiously long. Example below:

" As the two stood in complete silence, just out of sight of the raiders, obscured by a screen of smoke that engulfed the village, Hero looked behind the butcher, he was looking at the bakery’s hanging sign, which had had the rope holding it up severed on one end, leaving it lopsided, drifting in the wind. "

Have you tried reading it aloud? It can make it more obvious when sentences are longer than they have any right to be. Just breaking it up a little can make it easier to follow, even without changing much of the wording.

The two stood in complete silence, just out of sight of the raiders, obscured by a screen of smoke that engulfed the village. Hero looked behind the butcher. He was looking at the bakery’s hanging sign, which had had the rope holding it up severed on one end, leaving it lopsided, drifting in the wind.


Yeah, reading through this is clearly one of my bigger problems. Thanks for pointing it out to me, its much appreciated!

Re: Structure and Grammar Improvement.

#6
Hi LloydSA, 

I'm going to echo what the others here have said about comma usage, but I'll add that there are also some clear issues with sentence construction. Keep in mind, in English we have primarily 4 types of sentences (simple, compound, complex, compound-complex) and they each have rules. You build on these four basic types with phrases and clauses, but the fundamentals stay the same. My suggestion is that you look up the basic grammar rules for basic construction, as this will help you eliminate comma splices (your most frequent grammar error, as far as I can tell from this thread). Another issue is that you have very long sentences, which is problematic even if the grammar is good. A style guide may be of help to you; my personal recommendation is Strunks and White's The Elements of Style because it is short and effective. It is also free now and available on Gutenberg.org. 

Hope that's helpful! If you have any specific grammar questions, feel free to DM me. =)

Re: Structure and Grammar Improvement.

#8

Wyatt_Wriots Wrote: For sentence construction, ill leave my favorite quote: https://i.redd.it/snaobur0pl481.jpg


I think this is rather good commentary on style, but let's not use it as a model for sentence construction (i.e. sentence structure). I protest the use of a coordinating conjunction as though it is a subordinating one! (Technically okay in colloquial writing, but yeeeowch! Using it once is fine, but twice in a row? The pain, Wyatt_Wriots. The pain. I can barely take it!)

peogiggle