What is love, no, really.

#1
So I’m writing about love right now and am finding myself in a bit of a pickle. 


There’s this theory by a guy called Robert Sternberg called the triangular theory of love, in short the theory forms a metaphorical triangle in which each vertice is an aspect of love, with the center of the triangle being perfect/consummate love. The vertices themselves are passion, commitment and intimacy.


Anyhow, I’ve had my problems with this theory for a while now, but can’t quite place were the point of failure lies, in a non-psychological sense.

I’m probably going to have to think about this myself a bit more, but hey who knows, maybe I can find the answer here.

Re: What is love, no, really.

#2

My advice is to write what you know. Exploring philosophical theories can be fun, but if you don't fully understand them, then chances are your readers will get confused too. 
So write love as you know it, write about the small gestures people do for one another, or the feeling of longing for one's SO. 
 
Unless you're ready to accept certain confused and/or negative comments for the sake of your stylistic/thematic choices, you should write something accessible to your readers.

Re: What is love, no, really.

#4
While it's an interesting theory, I personally think that something like 'love' is experienced and perceived differently by everyone. It is also heavily dependent on the length and nature of each specific relationship that I think can't be measured in an experiment of that nature based on what I read through that article.

Then again I could be the one talking utter nonsense and not know anything about love. Who knows? One of the mysteries of the cosmos. I would however like to learn what conclusions you come to yourself if you're willing to post them.

Re: What is love, no, really.

#6

Evieleyn Wrote: My advice is to write what you know. Exploring philosophical theories can be fun, but if you don't fully understand them, then chances are your readers will get confused too. 
So write love as you know it, write about the small gestures people do for one another, or the feeling of longing for one's SO. 
 
Unless you're ready to accept certain confused and/or negative comments for the sake of your stylistic/thematic choices, you should write something accessible to your readers.


While I think that that is generally great advice, I think it doesn’t work as well in my situation, I have read and I believe somewhat understood Sternberg original 1986 paper on the topic, but I’ve had a nagging feeling that it was wrong in some respect.

The story would probably work if I just wrote around it and made up some arbitrary reason for why I feel that it’s wrong, but I imagine that that would be a bit vapid.

Re: What is love, no, really.

#7

OrenonawaSteevie Wrote:
Paradoxcloud Wrote: What is love

Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more.

Sorry for this useless post but I had to do it.
I hope you'll find someone wiser or at least less-dumber than me to help you.


Don’t worry I made that same joke in the chapter I’m writing, did you know that that single was released in an album called the album. Absolute lad.

Re: What is love, no, really.

#8

slok Wrote: While it's an interesting theory, I personally think that something like 'love' is experienced and perceived differently by everyone. It is also heavily dependent on the length and nature of each specific relationship that I think can't be measured in an experiment of that nature based on what I read through that article.

Then again I could be the one talking utter nonsense and not know anything about love. Who knows? One of the mysteries of the cosmos. I would however like to learn what conclusions you come to yourself if you're willing to post them.


Some critics have had the same idea and have pointed out that it’s possible, and highly probable, that people perceive love differently and that the metaphorical triangle is likely to be different for each person.

Re: What is love, no, really.

#9
🎼🎶What is love? Oh baby, don't hurt me no more. 🎶

Sorry. That stupid Haddaway song kinda ruins the question for everyone.

But I think the answer to 'What is Love?' is rather simple. It's whatever motivates you to put the wants and needs of another person on a par that is equal to yours. And the more you love that person -- or better yet, the more that person loves you -- the more often their wants and needs take precedent over yours.

Not to the point where the relationship is always about them and never about you. It's just that the more you love a person, the more joy you are able to derive simply by making them happy. 

And when you get good at making people happy -- and deriving joy from doing so -- you heart opens up like a flower. 
 ❤😻❤

Re: What is love, no, really.

#11
It's pasta time! 

Quote:When you say ‘love loses its intensity with time’, we obviously mean love in terms of being in a relationship.

First of all, it is wonderful that you have understood a very fundamental truth, which is that, whenever anything turns into a relationship, it goes wrong.

I understand what I am saying is a little puzzling but stay with me and remain attentive.

·        Love is a particular quality of relating.
·        Love is right now.
·        Love is not the concept of the mind, it is something absolutely new.
·        Love does not happen because you had thought about it; there is no background to love.

That is why when it happens it throws you off your feet.

·        Because it is something which is not planned
·        Because it is something which is not premeditated
·        Because real love is not a thought or conceptual

That is why when it comes it comes as a fresh breath of air.

Now, that is love which is something new, something fresh, it just happens; it’s just a surprise. You have not planned that I must fall in love with that fellow. That’s why it rejuvenates. You discover that you are young. It’s so beautiful.

What happens to this?
- Now, this love which had a fresh quality of relating, we give it a particular name it and we turn it into a relationship and relationship is always dependent upon the past.

Understand the difference between love and relationship.

·        Love is fresh; relationship depends upon the past and is very limited.
·        The moment you declare that I have a particular relationship with somebody you already have a concept in mind. Love is not a concept but husband and wife are a concept.

Love cannot have a name, love is not a fixed relationship. But our mind, our poor little mind, it cannot tolerate the freshness of love. It has no power to live with the freshness and uncertainty of love.

So, what does it do?
·        It gives a name to the relationship.
·        It formalizes the agreement
·        It takes the sanction of the society.

So, the first name they will give to each other is, we are lovers.
Then they say that lets formalize it even more and then they will say that now we are husband and wife.
And the more you are formalizing it, the more names you are giving it, the more trouble you are creating for yourself.

·        You are thinking that all this is happening out of love. I am saying that all this is taking you out of love.
·        You think that the relationship is born out of love, from love and I am saying that because of relationship you are moving out of love, away from love.

But we are so keen to turn love into a relationship and the moment it becomes a relationship, love is gone.

- Now, there will be expectations, now there will be a definite code of conduct.
- Now love is gone and duty has come in.

Love is not duty, love is absolute freedom. In your freedom, you love. You are not compelled to love.

The society does not want you to love. The society does not want lovers, it wants husbands and wives. The society hates lovers but it loves husbands and wives. It will say go, quickly get married. You don’t love each other, doesn’t matter. Go and get married. Marriage is good, love is bad. And marriage is a name, so is any other relationship.

- I am not advocating a live-in kind of a thing even that is a name, even in that there are expectations.
- And I am not talking of just the love between a man and a woman.

In every relationship, there are no individuals. Father and son - do they really talk to each other?
- No, it’s the father talking to the son, not an individual talking to an individual. That’s why sons are restless with their fathers and fathers are never happy with their sons.

Only an individual can be happy with another individual, not one identity with another.

Relating is another thing, relationship is totally different.

·        Life is not hell; you have made it into hell.
·        Life is worth living only in love and you killed love.
·        You killed love because you are so insecure; you wanted to get into a relationship.

Let love be like a wild flower, when it grows, it just grows.
It can grow even on a rooftop or by the side of small stream. Let it just grow, don’t call it anything.
- Don’t try to freeze it.
- Don’t try to limit it.
It will be dead.

- If you try to capture a flower, what happens to the flower?
- If you try to capture a butterfly, what happens to the butterfly?
It’s gone its dead. All you will be left with is a skeleton.

Why do you want to capture love? Why can’t you just love and let it be?
Don’t raise expectations, let it flow.

Re: What is love, no, really.

#12
If it's research/theories on love you're looking for, I'd say Google scholar is a good bet for pulling resources. From what I've read already, I have some recommendations from within my own field of study. There's Alain Badiou's In Praise of Love. There's Roland Barthes's A Lover's Discourse. There's Lauren Berlant's Love/Desire. There's bell hooks's All About Love: New Visions. Eve Kosofsky Sedgwick and Julia Kristeva have also written on the topic of love. Quite a lot to pull from.

Re: What is love, no, really.

#13
So I'm part of a minority who doesn't equate love with physical intimacy (ace). So personally I find any kind of "love has to have physical intimacy" things to be kinda closeminded as there's so many kinds of love.

In its simplest form love (romantic) is when you look at a person, and that's a person you want to spend time with. That you're willing to give a piece of your heart to keep, for however long they wish to hold it. Love is wanting to experience the world with them beside you, want to go to them when the everything is too much. A person you turn to when you feel weak, and alone and lost. A person you want to see smile and laugh for no other reason than because you want them to be happy.

Re: What is love, no, really.

#14
Love is a burning fire, and we all know that fire comes from a triangle. Someone took that literally and tried to make a triangle of love. 

Love is many things to many people. How many billions of hours have poets, artists, songwriters, star-struck fans, and romantically inclined singles spent trying to distill the exact nature and tenor of love? You are not going to find your answer on a RR forum. Do what everyone else does-- make it up as you go, and hope that you don't get laughed at too hard. The trick of it is, it doesn't matter if you get laughed at because everyone gets laughed at. 


Re: What is love, no, really.

#15
Mystique Wrote: In its simplest form love (romantic) is when you look at a person, and that's a person you want to spend time with. That you're willing to give a piece of your heart to keep, for however long they wish to hold it. Love is wanting to experience the world with them beside you, want to go to them when the everything is too much. A person you turn to when you feel weak, and alone and lost. A person you want to see smile and laugh for no other reason than because you want them to be happy.
Aw. That's really sweet. I'm verklempt. ❤😻❤

Re: What is love, no, really.

#17
Sometimes when we talk about love in real life, you see sweet ones that are almost impossible. And then you see realistic ones that also includes long term goal and two people working together to gather up money, where there is a minimum amount of money the wife or husband wants to have before tying the knot.

And then there is the one that start off really sweet and then crash and burn because the wife is a girl that is a party girl and a career woman. And the husband is an old-fashioned type that wants the wife to not work and then get divorced a few years later.

Love is weird. Love is hard. Love is sweet and bitter and outright nonsense.
But then again, love is so many things that up to this day, the only thing that we know is this.
We know nothing about love.

Re: What is love, no, really.

#18
Love is many things, the Greeks had 7 different terms for it and each one applies to a different aspect of life. Nowadays, the most commonly referred to love to them is known as 'eros' which is far more in line with sexual passion then what they thought a good love should be. In regards to the love people have, I think it's a joke. If there truly was a deep mental connection between two people, then why does sex matter? Why do people still have sexual preferences? Because that type of love is none other then uncontrolled desire and lust in my opinion.

Re: What is love, no, really.

#19

Mystique Wrote: So I'm part of a minority who doesn't equate love with physical intimacy (ace). So personally I find any kind of "love has to have physical intimacy" things to be kinda closeminded as there's so many kinds of love.
This wiki entry doesn't seem to define intimacy as physical intimacy, specifically. It's an eupherism for sex sometimes but it's not necessarily about physical touch. People can be wholesomely intimate with children, their pets, their friends or their potted plants. In itself, intimacy just refers to a kind of closeness and understanding of someone else. In that context, it's probably a pretty common part of even aro/ace relationships. 


At the same time, tho? On some level I can't put my finger on, I agree with you. This just feels very flat somehow and while I can't seem to find anything specifically wrong with it.. idk. 

Re: What is love, no, really.

#20
Love is though one, I mean it is technically different for every single person. What I see it as is that you have a deep connection with the other person, like you miss them when they are not there, you like doing things together (well not necessarily, more of you prefer to do things with them), and then yeah the whole sex thing comes into play too (though I think it is more that you prefer to do it with that person, you enjoy it more I think, at least that is what I feel). But it is a whole lot of other emotions involved with the whole Love thing as well, so really hard to actually explain.

Just my 2 cents on that one. Not great but that is what I think.