When you are under a spotlight,
It is difficult to see what is happening.
In the moment,
There is nothing but a car's high beams
As they drive past on a country road.
You do not get to see how you shine.

There are times where practice can only go so far,
Where the world disappears into darkness
And you are drowning in the absence of light.
There are times where you are thrust, unprepared on stage.
All you can do
Is make your own light
And sing.

The last leaf of autumn has been swept off your yard,
And you go inside, sweaty but ready to grab some lemonade.
You bow, after the final encore on closing night
And bask in the flowers thrown your way.
You look at a clock,
And find yourself pleasantly surprised at how early you've gone to bed.
The hard yards are done,
For now at least.
It's time to rest.

I do not rest easy.
I tense up at massages
And bedrest makes me want to tear out my hair.
My default state is ennui,
And as much as I try to appreciate a still world
It is frozen and fragile
And my heartbeat does not belong.

I am only alive on the precipice of disaster,
Balanced on a rope tied between chaos and success,
A gambler even when there's nothing to gain and everything to lose.

One day, I may learn to slow down.
One day, I will meditate and take in the present moment
Anywhere I go.
I can only hope that learning that lesson will be kind.