Need feedback on my excerpt

#1
I wrote a short snippet of my next web novel and I wanted to know how the snippet sounds? It isn't really a blurb, rather I planned on making this the beginning of the actual series. Any feedback would be nice.


Quote:“I am going to die.”

Camiel repeated these words to himself each night like a prayer. Ever since that accursed Mark appeared on his right hand, he knew it. Everything dies… he knew that as a living being, he’d die anyway, and yet knowing that it’d happen made it feel that much… different.

“I am going to die, and there is nothing I can do to stop that.”


What was the point in eating? In sleeping? In working the farms, or even communicating? One random day, or afternoon, or evening… Hell, it could happen while he was cleaning up cow manure for all Camiel knew. Everything ends with his death. He looked down at his right hand and observed the sigil permanently etched into it by whatever demon thought it’d be funny to give him one. It looked the same as it always did—two circles, one outer and one inner. The outer circle displaying words in some strange language only Irregulars like himself seemed to understand: “Death by Void.” The inner circle showing a skull with short, pointed horns protruding from its temple.
Camiel let out a long breath as he observed it, knots forming in his stomach as the reality of his situation seemed to dawn on him for the third time of the day:

“I am going to die.”

Re: Need feedback on my snippet

#3
Well, it's got a good hook, which is more than a lot of stories on here manage.

I'd suggest cutting out the ellipsis. They're occasionally useful, but they're also at the top of my 'most overused punctuation in webfiction' list. You're not actually using them wrong or anything, I just think your first few paragraphs would give a better impression without them.

Um, this line: 'he knew that as a living being, he’d die anyway, and yet knowing that it’d happen made it feel that much' feels kinda confusing. 'he knew, and yet knowing'? Aren't they the same thing? Also, picking a more specific word than 'different' would help it feel more impactful, I think.

Maybe put another paragraph break into the fourth paragraph, it feels kinda chunky in comparison to the rest.

Overall, it's a pretty good start. Good job on the hook. Seems like an interesting premise; kinda like the 'machine of death' anthology, short stories about a world where people can have their cause of death - but not the time or reasons - predicted. Uh, actually, I think that's available for free if you want to read it.

Yeah, here's a link.

I specifically enjoyed 'Torn Apart and Devoured by Lions', personally.

Re: Need feedback on my snippet

#5

Not_A_Hat Wrote: Well, it's got a good hook, which is more than a lot of stories on here manage.

I'd suggest cutting out the ellipsis. They're occasionally useful, but they're also at the top of my 'most overused punctuation in webfiction' list. You're not actually using them wrong or anything, I just think your first few paragraphs would give a better impression without them.

Um, this line: 'he knew that as a living being, he’d die anyway, and yet knowing that it’d happen made it feel that much' feels kinda confusing. 'he knew, and yet knowing'? Aren't they the same thing? Also, picking a more specific word than 'different' would help it feel more impactful, I think.

Maybe put another paragraph break into the fourth paragraph, it feels kinda chunky in comparison to the rest.

Overall, it's a pretty good start. Good job on the hook. Seems like an interesting premise; kinda like the 'machine of death' anthology, short stories about a world where people can have their cause of death - but not the time or reasons - predicted. Uh, actually, I think that's available for free if you want to read it.

Yeah, here's a link.

I specifically enjoyed 'Torn Apart and Devoured by Lions', personally.


I appreciate the feedback! I think when it's time to upload the whole thing I'll definitely be giving it a few extra passes to fix clunky and awkward prose.