Hello looking for beta readers for a fantasy si-fi with a dash of warfare and slice of life novel.

#1
I know this is asking a lot but would anyone be interested in reading all of my first book and then beta reading my second book once I get the new revision done?
I ask this in the forums because no one reached the end and commented so I don't have anyone to ask. Also, anyone who beta reads will have the opportunity to have their name and their book featured in the credits of the novels. If you can't finish the book for some reason tell me no skin off my back.
I will also say that the first book is well past 100,000 words. I understand I'm asking a lot and the whole exposure offer is rather bad in taste but I'm willing to beta read but know I'm rather blunt and if I can't read it all the way i will tell you why but only if you ask.
Things to keep in mind when reading, I am aware some dialogue is odd I did it on purpose.
If anything I can recommend read all of book 1 then re-read the first five chapters.
If you're still interested you can click this link to the google doc to read or talk to me in the comments of this forum. 
                                                                                                                                               -Thank you for your time.
Not edited by Grammarly (I cant load it into google my doc will crash)

https://docs.google.com/document/d/15sxn7RrjOJPrWE9zE_ptorsnubZw9JHX3vIpI9uZmWU/edit?usp=sharing

Edited by Grammarly version

The blood wars | Royal Road

Re: Hello looking for beta readers for a fantasy si-fi with a dash of warfare and slice of life novel.

#2

Theunkownuser24 Wrote: I know this is asking a lot but would anyone be interested in reading all of my first book and then beta reading my second book once I get the new revision done?
I ask this in the forums because no one reached the end and commented so I don't have anyone to ask. Also, anyone who beta reads will have the opportunity to have their name and their book featured in the credits of the novels. If you can't finish the book for some reason tell me no skin off my back.
I will also say that the first book is well past 100,000 words. I understand I'm asking a lot and the whole exposure offer is rather bad in taste but I'm willing to beta read but know I'm rather blunt and if I can't read it all the way i will tell you why but only if you ask.
Things to keep in mind when reading, I am aware some dialogue is odd I did it on purpose.
If anything I can recommend read all of book 1 then re-read the first five chapters.
If you're still interested you can click this link to the google doc to read or talk to me in the comments of this forum. 
                                                                                                                                               -Thank you for your time.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/15sxn7RrjOJPrWE9zE_ptorsnubZw9JHX3vIpI9uZmWU/edit?usp=sharing


Not for nothing, man that is a hard ask. I'm going to read a bit and see if it's something but maybe you should try a critique swap? I'd rather have a review of either of my books than a mention as that's more salient for me. I'll post again with initial thoughts.

Re: Hello looking for beta readers for a fantasy si-fi with a dash of warfare and slice of life novel.

#3

Weavervale Wrote:
Theunkownuser24 Wrote: I know this is asking a lot but would anyone be interested in reading all of my first book and then beta reading my second book once I get the new revision done?
I ask this in the forums because no one reached the end and commented so I don't have anyone to ask. Also, anyone who beta reads will have the opportunity to have their name and their book featured in the credits of the novels. If you can't finish the book for some reason tell me no skin off my back.
I will also say that the first book is well past 100,000 words. I understand I'm asking a lot and the whole exposure offer is rather bad in taste but I'm willing to beta read but know I'm rather blunt and if I can't read it all the way i will tell you why but only if you ask.
Things to keep in mind when reading, I am aware some dialogue is odd I did it on purpose.
If anything I can recommend read all of book 1 then re-read the first five chapters.
If you're still interested you can click this link to the google doc to read or talk to me in the comments of this forum. 
                                                                                                                                               -Thank you for your time.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/15sxn7RrjOJPrWE9zE_ptorsnubZw9JHX3vIpI9uZmWU/edit?usp=sharing


Not for nothing, man that is a hard ask. I'm going to read a bit and see if it's something but maybe you should try a critique swap? I'd rather have a review of either of my books than a mention as that's more salient for me. I'll post again with initial thoughts.
I didn't know there was a name for it thanks for telling me ill try a critique swap sometime. Also thank you I can try at the review depending on the genre.

 

Re: Hello looking for beta readers for a fantasy si-fi with a dash of warfare and slice of life novel.

#4

Please take everything that I say here with a grain of salt. I want you to improve as a writer and I'm a fan of tough love a little bit but ... this was something.

Again this is now about you as a person. I think you're a great person(unless you don't use your turn signal) but your writing could improve a lot.



Let's start with the basics.
(1) Learn how to show don't tell. Watch this.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lqk_a5LfR5Y

(2)
If you haven't let this sit for at least three weeks after you've finished it, then you need to do that. Otherwise.
Go over this after you've sat down with it for at least three weeks this right here...


Lexy let out a dissatisfied huff. She picked up her fork and began to poke at what was left of her pancakes, “When will I leave, because I have archery regionals next week, remember?”

I wanted to add like ten comments before it but this sentence needs a re-write.

(3)
Huffed is used a ton. This is a show not tell. You need to be able to convey character feelings without baldly saying what that character is doing.

"Freya felt sad."
Versus
"Freyas whiskers drooped, lower this time than before."
(freya is a mouse)

(4)
Watch these on character stuff. Seriously the whole thing. Do it. You will improve on your writing.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1NCiuI6F5O0

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJfE-HMfSkk

This exemplifies WHY you need to watch this.

{
Lexy then walked to the bathroom and grabbed her large bottle of prescription pills. Her mother had never told her why she had to take the medication. She stopped questioning after an incident in which she was late in taking the pills, which made her body burn in pain. With the medication in hand, she walked back to her bedroom. She placed the medicine in her bag and closed it with the zipper.
}

Shows that she is not very likeable here, ZERO proactivity, and like 1//1,000 competence. I don't like her. That's find as long as you're setting up her to "save a cat".

AND Then the MC just jumps from being super mad, to just accepting the changed status quo? Uh what?

Characters have WANTS and NEEDS and your story needs to show how they get what they need and why they can't get what they need.

(5)
-------------------------------------------
You need to make a logline and a blurb for this. I have not idea what is going on with the plot yet as it seems like we just jumped from the real world to the upside down world with no debate, no theme stated, nada.


Did you read this after you wrote it? You need to do a second pass, with grammarly because there's a bunch of non-sequitors in it. Did any of your friends take a look at it?

Is your name Lexy and did you do a self insert? This is a common thing that new authors do. Don't do that.

------------------------------------------

If you've read all this, and done the thing, please go back and remove all of the filler words in chapter one and two, add more show don't tell, and then PM me and I'll give it a second look.

Re: Hello looking for beta readers for a fantasy si-fi with a dash of warfare and slice of life novel.

#6

Weavervale Wrote: Please take everything that I say here with a grain of salt. I want you to improve as a writer and I'm a fan of tough love a little bit but ... this was something.

Again this is now about you as a person. I think you're a great person(unless you don't use your turn signal) but your writing could improve a lot.



Let's start with the basics.
(1) Learn how to show don't tell. Watch this.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lqk_a5LfR5Y

(2)
If you haven't let this sit for at least three weeks after you've finished it, then you need to do that. Otherwise.
Go over this after you've sat down with it for at least three weeks this right here...


Lexy let out a dissatisfied huff. She picked up her fork and began to poke at what was left of her pancakes, “When will I leave, because I have archery regionals next week, remember?”

I wanted to add like ten comments before it but this sentence needs a re-write.

(3)
Huffed is used a ton. This is a show not tell. You need to be able to convey character feelings without baldly saying what that character is doing.

"Freya felt sad."
Versus
"Freyas whiskers drooped, lower this time than before."
(freya is a mouse)

(4)
Watch these on character stuff. Seriously the whole thing. Do it. You will improve on your writing.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1NCiuI6F5O0

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJfE-HMfSkk

This exemplifies WHY you need to watch this.

{
Lexy then walked to the bathroom and grabbed her large bottle of prescription pills. Her mother had never told her why she had to take the medication. She stopped questioning after an incident in which she was late in taking the pills, which made her body burn in pain. With the medication in hand, she walked back to her bedroom. She placed the medicine in her bag and closed it with the zipper.
}

Shows that she is not very likeable here, ZERO proactivity, and like 1//1,000 competence. I don't like her. That's find as long as you're setting up her to "save a cat".

AND Then the MC just jumps from being super mad, to just accepting the changed status quo? Uh what?

Characters have WANTS and NEEDS and your story needs to show how they get what they need and why they can't get what they need.

(5)
-------------------------------------------
You need to make a logline and a blurb for this. I have not idea what is going on with the plot yet as it seems like we just jumped from the real world to the upside down world with no debate, no theme stated, nada.


Did you read this after you wrote it? You need to do a second pass, with grammarly because there's a bunch of non-sequitors in it. Did any of your friends take a look at it?

Is your name Lexy and did you do a self insert? This is a common thing that new authors do. Don't do that.

------------------------------------------

If you've read all this, and done the thing, please go back and remove all of the filler words in chapter one and two, add more show don't tell, and then PM me and I'll give it a second look.
Alright, ill get to work on all of this! That and to the question have gone over this before? Yes, I have spent months away from it and then went back through it multiple times. So if these videos can improve my writing? It's time to get some popcorn!! Thank you very much!! Edit: I'm so sorry I forgot to say this! But I can't load Grammarly in the google doc or barely any editing systems. So if you want to see a Grammarly edited version ill put in the link for the version I have here on royal road.

Re: Hello looking for beta readers for a fantasy si-fi with a dash of warfare and slice of life novel.

#7

Theunkownuser24 Wrote:
Weavervale Wrote: Please take everything that I say here with a grain of salt. I want you to improve as a writer and I'm a fan of tough love a little bit but ... this was something.

Again this is now about you as a person. I think you're a great person(unless you don't use your turn signal) but your writing could improve a lot.



Let's start with the basics.
(1) Learn how to show don't tell. Watch this.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lqk_a5LfR5Y

(2)
If you haven't let this sit for at least three weeks after you've finished it, then you need to do that. Otherwise.
Go over this after you've sat down with it for at least three weeks this right here...


Lexy let out a dissatisfied huff. She picked up her fork and began to poke at what was left of her pancakes, “When will I leave, because I have archery regionals next week, remember?”

I wanted to add like ten comments before it but this sentence needs a re-write.

(3)
Huffed is used a ton. This is a show not tell. You need to be able to convey character feelings without baldly saying what that character is doing.

"Freya felt sad."
Versus
"Freyas whiskers drooped, lower this time than before."
(freya is a mouse)

(4)
Watch these on character stuff. Seriously the whole thing. Do it. You will improve on your writing.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1NCiuI6F5O0

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJfE-HMfSkk

This exemplifies WHY you need to watch this.

{
Lexy then walked to the bathroom and grabbed her large bottle of prescription pills. Her mother had never told her why she had to take the medication. She stopped questioning after an incident in which she was late in taking the pills, which made her body burn in pain. With the medication in hand, she walked back to her bedroom. She placed the medicine in her bag and closed it with the zipper.
}

Shows that she is not very likeable here, ZERO proactivity, and like 1//1,000 competence. I don't like her. That's find as long as you're setting up her to "save a cat".

AND Then the MC just jumps from being super mad, to just accepting the changed status quo? Uh what?

Characters have WANTS and NEEDS and your story needs to show how they get what they need and why they can't get what they need.

(5)
-------------------------------------------
You need to make a logline and a blurb for this. I have not idea what is going on with the plot yet as it seems like we just jumped from the real world to the upside down world with no debate, no theme stated, nada.


Did you read this after you wrote it? You need to do a second pass, with grammarly because there's a bunch of non-sequitors in it. Did any of your friends take a look at it?

Is your name Lexy and did you do a self insert? This is a common thing that new authors do. Don't do that.

------------------------------------------

If you've read all this, and done the thing, please go back and remove all of the filler words in chapter one and two, add more show don't tell, and then PM me and I'll give it a second look.
Alright, ill get to work on all of this! That and to the question have gone over this before? Yes, I have spent months away from it and then went back through it multiple times. So if these videos can improve my writing? It's time to get some popcorn!! Thank you very much!!



Yeah I highly recommend all of sanderson's writing series, and most of shaelins stuff is amazing. But really nailing show don't tell... as an editor that's my biggest one. seriously when you re-write chapter one and two let me know, and then I'll read some more and we can  PeoReadingfix this. 

Re: Hello looking for beta readers for a fantasy si-fi with a dash of warfare and slice of life novel.

#8

Weavervale Wrote:
Theunkownuser24 Wrote:
Weavervale Wrote: Please take everything that I say here with a grain of salt. I want you to improve as a writer and I'm a fan of tough love a little bit but ... this was something.

Again this is now about you as a person. I think you're a great person(unless you don't use your turn signal) but your writing could improve a lot.



Let's start with the basics.
(1) Learn how to show don't tell. Watch this.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lqk_a5LfR5Y

(2)
If you haven't let this sit for at least three weeks after you've finished it, then you need to do that. Otherwise.
Go over this after you've sat down with it for at least three weeks this right here...


Lexy let out a dissatisfied huff. She picked up her fork and began to poke at what was left of her pancakes, “When will I leave, because I have archery regionals next week, remember?”

I wanted to add like ten comments before it but this sentence needs a re-write.

(3)
Huffed is used a ton. This is a show not tell. You need to be able to convey character feelings without baldly saying what that character is doing.

"Freya felt sad."
Versus
"Freyas whiskers drooped, lower this time than before."
(freya is a mouse)

(4)
Watch these on character stuff. Seriously the whole thing. Do it. You will improve on your writing.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1NCiuI6F5O0

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJfE-HMfSkk

This exemplifies WHY you need to watch this.

{
Lexy then walked to the bathroom and grabbed her large bottle of prescription pills. Her mother had never told her why she had to take the medication. She stopped questioning after an incident in which she was late in taking the pills, which made her body burn in pain. With the medication in hand, she walked back to her bedroom. She placed the medicine in her bag and closed it with the zipper.
}

Shows that she is not very likeable here, ZERO proactivity, and like 1//1,000 competence. I don't like her. That's find as long as you're setting up her to "save a cat".

AND Then the MC just jumps from being super mad, to just accepting the changed status quo? Uh what?

Characters have WANTS and NEEDS and your story needs to show how they get what they need and why they can't get what they need.

(5)
-------------------------------------------
You need to make a logline and a blurb for this. I have not idea what is going on with the plot yet as it seems like we just jumped from the real world to the upside down world with no debate, no theme stated, nada.


Did you read this after you wrote it? You need to do a second pass, with grammarly because there's a bunch of non-sequitors in it. Did any of your friends take a look at it?

Is your name Lexy and did you do a self insert? This is a common thing that new authors do. Don't do that.

------------------------------------------

If you've read all this, and done the thing, please go back and remove all of the filler words in chapter one and two, add more show don't tell, and then PM me and I'll give it a second look.
Alright, ill get to work on all of this! That and to the question have gone over this before? Yes, I have spent months away from it and then went back through it multiple times. So if these videos can improve my writing? It's time to get some popcorn!! Thank you very much!!



Yeah I highly recommend all of sanderson's writing series, and most of shaelins stuff is amazing. But really nailing show don't tell... as an editor that's my biggest one. seriously when you re-write chapter one and two let me know, and then I'll read some more and we can  PeoReadingfix this.
Ok, so I watched all of what you sent me, and ill answer a few more of your questions did any friends take a look at it? No, I don't really have friends. Have I read the whole story out loud to someone yes. I have done that twice and I'm working on a third. I find reading out loud lets me catch things better. No one close to me ever bothers to actually read it. They will tell me it sounds good and then goes because there too busy. Thus after a few years of working on the project, I began to post it online. That was when I began to make a lot of improvements.

As to Lexy being a self-insert no, not at all. I and she may have similar fiscal traits but that's because I did not base her off of me. I based her on my little sister. Thus the swift mood changes I showed her having. I guess I never thought that as weird because that's exactly what my little sister does and is an aspect I thought would be different for the main character. But as far as Lexy's main desire. Lexy's main desire is to not be alone she wants friends she wants a better relationship with her mom. THus why the first big conflict is her mom sending her away and it's as I'm writing this out that I'm already having a lot better idea of how to show not tell this. But then I revisited my core concepts and I realized it be really REALLY hard to try and change many aspects. I'll explain them to you if you want.

Re: Hello looking for beta readers for a fantasy si-fi with a dash of warfare and slice of life novel.

#9
Alright. Are you willing to do an overhaul of this work? Because we can do a chapter by chapter breakdown, and I’ll help you out.

First send me a google docs link with commentary privilege(not editor!) and I’ll start with one chapter.

But before that, have you gone through ctrl+f for all instances of the word “feel”, “felt”, “saw” etc? Try just those three. There should be leas than ten in the whole book. Substitute each of these with something more descriptive, more show don’t tell. 

Next, do you have an outline? I’ll post mt fish on a fish outline here(major spoilers, but it’s low easy fiction). Can you post it or  PM me?

Also your logline and blurb need a ton of work. But first let’s fix the writing.

Re: Hello looking for beta readers for a fantasy si-fi with a dash of warfare and slice of life novel.

#10
Spoilers for fish on a stick i guess——-







—-/-/— 
You’re about to see how the sausage is made.






—————
Seriously now!


Okay

Outline:

Opening image: an otter eats a fish stick

setup: otter problems
theme stated: fish on a stick? that will never work

catalyst: the festival is coming up and there is a shot to get a regular blastfurnace rather than working off the cart

debate: can we get the sauce? also polygamy, huh?

break into two: uncle gives him clams to get sauces 

F&G: hot boi scenes, making friends, cart stuff, drug deals with the corvid cartel for information on their competitors

midpoint: false defeat as the sauces fall flat?

bad guys close in: the kapi guy is making a killing! others are doing great

all is lost- the cart threatens to break

dark night of the soul - 

break into 3: with a new smoker installed? chip is winning, he's learned the lesson of the sauce

finale: the fall festivities begin

executing the plan: shake em if you got em

high tower suprise: a prominent judge is replaced at the last minute(tie into red mist) dancing girls are attending the kapi vendors cart, he'll win for certain

dig deep down: it's time for uncles famous sauce

final image: he sells a fish stick to an otter or fox, who calls it marvelous

Re: Hello looking for beta readers for a fantasy si-fi with a dash of warfare and slice of life novel.

#11
I got to chapter 2 and it seems like you're having things happen for no reason, which is fine but you're also not having the character reflect on anything that is happening or debating anything; Like she just went from home to this without much fuss. Like she just gave in. At that age, I probably would have run away to some trusted friend's house and been a brat about it. Second, she fights and kills a monster that seems out of place and totally mary sue, first time, you get a critical hit? Unlikely. So let's breakit down. 

You're writing character beats and you need to formalize what you're doing because it seems like this character has either checked out of reality or is so PTSD that she's willing to accept anything.

This is how I outline scenes and scene sequels where the characters go over their feelings of what just happened, processing it.

Scene/sequel thingie to plan out plots:


POINT OF VIEW: 
GOAL:
CONFLICT: 
SETBACK: 


Sequel 1) EMOTIONAL REACTION: 
2) REVIEW, LOGIC, & REASON: 
3) ANTICIPATION:
4) CHOICE: 

Here is an example I used for an upcoming scene in redmist.


POV: Freya
Goal: Show that Freya is having a Terrifying, exciting, brand new experience
Conflict: Mother is trying to show her where she went wrong
Setback: Freya has an actual argument, mother realizes that she’s not in charge of Freyas destiny anymore

Sequel 1) EMOTIONAL REACTION: Freya realizes that mom wants the same thing she wants
2) REVIEW, LOGIC, & REASON: Freya realizes that she could see herself doing something similar if she was her mother
3) ANTICIPATION: Freya will figure out something to make amends.
4) CHOICE: She will ask her mom to take her to the tailor this week

Re: Hello looking for beta readers for a fantasy si-fi with a dash of warfare and slice of life novel.

#12

Weavervale Wrote: I got to chapter 2 and it seems like you're having things happen for no reason, which is fine but you're also not having the character reflect on anything that is happening or debating anything; Like she just went from home to this without much fuss. Like she just gave in. At that age, I probably would have run away to some trusted friend's house and been a brat about it. Second, she fights and kills a monster that seems out of place and totally mary sue, first time, you get a critical hit? Unlikely. So let's breakit down. 

You're writing character beats and you need to formalize what you're doing because it seems like this character has either checked out of reality or is so PTSD that she's willing to accept anything.

This is how I outline scenes and scene sequels where the characters go over their feelings of what just happened, processing it.

Scene/sequel thingie to plan out plots:


POINT OF VIEW: 
GOAL:
CONFLICT: 
SETBACK: 


Sequel 1) EMOTIONAL REACTION: 
2) REVIEW, LOGIC, & REASON: 
3) ANTICIPATION:
4) CHOICE: 

Here is an example I used for an upcoming scene in redmist.


POV: Freya
Goal: Show that Freya is having a Terrifying, exciting, brand new experience
Conflict: Mother is trying to show her where she went wrong
Setback: Freya has an actual argument, mother realizes that she’s not in charge of Freyas destiny anymore

Sequel 1) EMOTIONAL REACTION: Freya realizes that mom wants the same thing she wants
2) REVIEW, LOGIC, & REASON: Freya realizes that she could see herself doing something similar if she was her mother
3) ANTICIPATION: Freya will figure out something to make amends.
4) CHOICE: She will ask her mom to take her to the tailor this week
Originally I had Lexy run away from that part instead of fighting. I changed it to her fighting only recently for the simple fact of not because I want her overpowered I changed it to match her personality better and now that I'm on the factor of overpowered I remember an old idea I had for that part. I was thinking of having her try to fight the monsters but not winning against them. Like someone from the mansion actually coming in and helping with the monsters. But I'm still unsure about that. I know i need to fix that scene i just need to figure out with what.

Re: Hello looking for beta readers for a fantasy si-fi with a dash of warfare and slice of life novel.

#13

Theunkownuser24 Wrote:
Weavervale Wrote: I got to chapter 2 and it seems like you're having things happen for no reason, which is fine but you're also not having the character reflect on anything that is happening or debating anything; Like she just went from home to this without much fuss. Like she just gave in. At that age, I probably would have run away to some trusted friend's house and been a brat about it. Second, she fights and kills a monster that seems out of place and totally mary sue, first time, you get a critical hit? Unlikely. So let's breakit down. 

You're writing character beats and you need to formalize what you're doing because it seems like this character has either checked out of reality or is so PTSD that she's willing to accept anything.

This is how I outline scenes and scene sequels where the characters go over their feelings of what just happened, processing it.

Scene/sequel thingie to plan out plots:


POINT OF VIEW: 
GOAL:
CONFLICT: 
SETBACK: 


Sequel 1) EMOTIONAL REACTION: 
2) REVIEW, LOGIC, & REASON: 
3) ANTICIPATION:
4) CHOICE: 

Here is an example I used for an upcoming scene in redmist.


POV: Freya
Goal: Show that Freya is having a Terrifying, exciting, brand new experience
Conflict: Mother is trying to show her where she went wrong
Setback: Freya has an actual argument, mother realizes that she’s not in charge of Freyas destiny anymore

Sequel 1) EMOTIONAL REACTION: Freya realizes that mom wants the same thing she wants
2) REVIEW, LOGIC, & REASON: Freya realizes that she could see herself doing something similar if she was her mother
3) ANTICIPATION: Freya will figure out something to make amends.
4) CHOICE: She will ask her mom to take her to the tailor this week
Originally I had Lexy run away from that part instead of fighting. I changed it to her fighting only recently for the simple fact of not because I want her overpowered I changed it to match her personality better and now that I'm on the factor of overpowered I remember an old idea I had for that part. I was thinking of having her try to fight the monsters but not winning against them. Like someone from the mansion actually coming in and helping with the monsters. But I'm still unsure about that. I know i need to fix that scene i just need to figure out with what.


When you wrote out this scene was the intention to show that Lexy is competent? proactive? Or that this one time in her life she was lucky?

The thing you're trying to figure out is, why did she go out into the woods, what is the reason she decided to skip breakfast, etc.

Because I think a little of my critique is going to be, jump to the action. Having a page of description of how Lexy put on her clothes and then takes her time going downstairs... that's like,... cut 90% of that.

Re: Hello looking for beta readers for a fantasy si-fi with a dash of warfare and slice of life novel.

#14

Weavervale Wrote:
Theunkownuser24 Wrote:
Weavervale Wrote: I got to chapter 2 and it seems like you're having things happen for no reason, which is fine but you're also not having the character reflect on anything that is happening or debating anything; Like she just went from home to this without much fuss. Like she just gave in. At that age, I probably would have run away to some trusted friend's house and been a brat about it. Second, she fights and kills a monster that seems out of place and totally mary sue, first time, you get a critical hit? Unlikely. So let's breakit down. 

You're writing character beats and you need to formalize what you're doing because it seems like this character has either checked out of reality or is so PTSD that she's willing to accept anything.

This is how I outline scenes and scene sequels where the characters go over their feelings of what just happened, processing it.

Scene/sequel thingie to plan out plots:


POINT OF VIEW: 
GOAL:
CONFLICT: 
SETBACK: 


Sequel 1) EMOTIONAL REACTION: 
2) REVIEW, LOGIC, & REASON: 
3) ANTICIPATION:
4) CHOICE: 

Here is an example I used for an upcoming scene in redmist.


POV: Freya
Goal: Show that Freya is having a Terrifying, exciting, brand new experience
Conflict: Mother is trying to show her where she went wrong
Setback: Freya has an actual argument, mother realizes that she’s not in charge of Freyas destiny anymore

Sequel 1) EMOTIONAL REACTION: Freya realizes that mom wants the same thing she wants
2) REVIEW, LOGIC, & REASON: Freya realizes that she could see herself doing something similar if she was her mother
3) ANTICIPATION: Freya will figure out something to make amends.
4) CHOICE: She will ask her mom to take her to the tailor this week
Originally I had Lexy run away from that part instead of fighting. I changed it to her fighting only recently for the simple fact of not because I want her overpowered I changed it to match her personality better and now that I'm on the factor of overpowered I remember an old idea I had for that part. I was thinking of having her try to fight the monsters but not winning against them. Like someone from the mansion actually coming in and helping with the monsters. But I'm still unsure about that. I know i need to fix that scene i just need to figure out with what.


When you wrote out this scene was the intention to show that Lexy is competent? proactive? Or that this one time in her life she was lucky?

The thing you're trying to figure out is, why did she go out into the woods, what is the reason she decided to skip breakfast, etc.

Because I think a little of my critique is going to be, jump to the action. Having a page of description of how Lexy put on her clothes and then takes her time going downstairs... that's like,... cut 90% of that.
That encounter is of chance because Alcore genuinly wasn't expecting anyone to be there and he really didn't do it on purpose.