I already published this actions scene but I'm not sure how good it is...

#1
“Lieutenant Commander Tuvok, we’ve got some Kazon ships approaching” A report came through from Voyager

“Standby to beam me, Chakotay and Paris back” Tuvok responded

“Acknowledged” came the reply.

Soon enough they were back in their ships, Chakotay in the Maquis ship and Tuvok and Paris back in Voyager.

“Hail them” Tuvok said

The viewscreen switches on to show Jabin who says “Are you here to investigate the entity’s strange behavior too? "

“Yes, but I advise you to stay away, if you continue your approach we will fire” Tuvok said

“Getting antsy are we?” Jabin said as his ship opens fire.

“Power to shields, attack pattern alpha and charge heavy photon torpedoes”Tuvok said as the fight began.

In about seven minutes three of the Kazon ships fell but Voyager was not doing well either as it struggled to fire at the far more mobile Kazon ships.

Using tactics that seemed to be inspired by Cardassian Hikari class ships maintained constant orbit around Voyager, forcing them to use beam weaponry instead of torpedoes that would destroy the ships in one blow.

The Maquis ship though was of similar size, had better thrusters and weaponry and was having a better time against the ships and managed to effectively clear the field, that is until a large Mogai warbird class ship entered the field.

Though clearly lacking a comparative firepower, it was loaded with an highly miscellaneous assortment of weaponry that overwhelmed the Maquis ship, forcing Commander Chakotay into a dilemma, to retreat behind Voyager and possibly doom both or crash his ship and essential place himself at the mercy of his captors?

In the end the made the decision.

“Voyager, standby for transport” Chakotay said into the com

“Voyager standing by, but we’ll only get one shot at this” Tom replied “Remember Chakotay you’re life’s mine”

As the Maquis evacuated the ship, Chakotay piloted the ship right into the Kazon’s hull, transporting out at the last minute.

Re: I already published this actions scene but I'm not sure how good it is...

#7
Just as the above few people have commented, this is extremely heavy on dialogue and on explanation. While, yes, we may not be given the full context of the scene, it's akin to grabbing a snowball, filling a bucket with it, and throwing the contents at the reader. Bucket included.

Personally, how I do action scenes is to emphasise the tension heavily. Realistic fights can end in a manner of one to two strikes. Battles, minutes, maybe hours. And then there's always someone in a room, red leaver fliped, ready to toggle the switch to launch the missiles. One example from Descent was when the twins were running away from their pursuers, there wasn't any actual conversation between the two parties, nor any elaborate sailor moon power-up scene. What only mattered was winning the fight, with only the means at hand. There was no need to emphasise what would happen if their gamble failed, that they didn't manage to stop everyone hindering their path. Only that they only have one card left to play.

The rest, your audience can infer for themselves, no matter how they infer it.

Also, try going for descriptions of actions instead of going with "said, said, said." This gets repetitive and doesn't show what the characters are doing. For all we know, they could've just shat themselves and would've been a great backstory of combat jitters, PTSD, depression, or some other things that can make the characters feel alive and us liking them.

Edit: Oh, also, as an actual recruit in the army, no, the LTC wouldn't be called by rank. You'll call him Sir, or Ma'am. Most officers would never want to be called by their rank by anyone.

Re: I already published this actions scene but I'm not sure how good it is...

#8

Zearth Wrote: Just as the above few people have commented, this is extremely heavy on dialogue and on explanation. While, yes, we may not be given the full context of the scene, it's akin to grabbing a snowball, filling a bucket with it, and throwing the contents at the reader. Bucket included.

Personally, how I do action scenes is to emphasise the tension heavily. Realistic fights can end in a manner of one to two strikes. Battles, minutes, maybe hours. And then there's always someone in a room, red leaver fliped, ready to toggle the switch to launch the missiles. One example from Descent was when the twins were running away from their pursuers, there wasn't any actual conversation between the two parties, nor any elaborate sailor moon power-up scene. What only mattered was winning the fight, with only the means at hand. There was no need to emphasise what would happen if their gamble failed, that they didn't manage to stop everyone hindering their path. Only that they only have one card left to play.

The rest, your audience can infer for themselves, no matter how they infer it.

Also, try going for descriptions of actions instead of going with "said, said, said." This gets repetitive and doesn't show what the characters are doing. For all we know, they could've just shat themselves and would've been a great backstory of combat jitters, PTSD, depression, or some other things that can make the characters feel alive and us liking them.

Edit: Oh, also, as an actual recruit in the army, no, the LTC wouldn't be called by rank. You'll call him Sir, or Ma'am. Most officers would never want to be called by their rank by anyone.
Thanks for the info, I agree with your said said said point, that is ok in a conversation but probably out of place in an action scene.

As for the other things, the problem is the characters aren't actually doing anything, all Tuvok is doing is yelling certain boosters out and the crew presses the button, the rest is computer driven, the only decision is Chakotay driving his ship into the Kazon's. I'll try to make it more griping though, it will be a while before I get to it though

P.S.=>Starfleet policy is to refer to the CO as 'sir' but Captain Janeway has a problem with that and orders everyone to call her Captain, it's one of her first lines

Re: I already published this actions scene but I'm not sure how good it is...

#9

Verlin Wrote: As for the other things, the problem is the characters aren't actually doing anything, all Tuvok is doing is yelling certain boosters out and the crew presses the button, the rest is computer driven, the only decision is Chakotay driving his ship into the Kazon's. I'll try to make it more griping though, it will be a while before I get to it though
Mmm. But even then, not doing anything can also be an indicator. Maybe this is yet another boring one-sided beatdown, and hence they aren't nervously tapping the armrest. Maybe they aren't pacing the room because it's dangerous, so they decided to check their five-point harness again. "Maybe I can stop working in a quarantine tent, surrounded by Claymore, and C4!"


In any case, try and focus on that aspect, and it'd feel less of a conversation and more of a poetry.
Verlin Wrote: P.S.=>Starfleet policy is to refer to the CO as 'sir' but Captain Janeway has a problem with that and orders everyone to call her Captain, it's one of her first lines

Ah, in that case, that's fine. It's dependent on each COs, and some will really get pissed off if you don't address them by what they are.

Re: I already published this actions scene but I'm not sure how good it is...

#10
My feedback (note that I could be wrong and that you have to actively take a part in considering my words):
The scene you wrote felt as if you were just telling what happens. It doesn't exactly evoke emotions. Felt monotone.

Personally I would go with something like:
"Lieutenant Commander Tuvok," came a report with a hint of worry, "we've got Kazon ships approaching."
Kazon ships?  Tuvoc thought. Sh**.
"Stand by to beam me," Tuvok kept his calm and gave his orders. "Chakotay and Paris, back."

Perhaps it might be because the one you sent is without context, but when there were Kazon ships approaching, there was no tension in your writing. As if it was monotone and without feel.

Speaking of which, the way you write dialogue line is wrong. There needs to be punctuation inside the dialogue.
E.g.: "Fall back!" said the captain, "It is simple," said he.
Not just: "Hey" he said.
Try reading established writers and learn the dialogue punctuation.

Hope this helps!

Re: I already published this actions scene but I'm not sure how good it is...

#11

Verlin Wrote: “Lieutenant Commander Tuvok, we’ve got some Kazon ships approaching” A report came through from Voyager

“Standby to beam me, Chakotay and Paris back” Tuvok responded

“Acknowledged” came the reply.

Soon enough they were back in their ships, Chakotay in the Maquis ship and Tuvok and Paris back in Voyager.

“Hail them” Tuvok said

The viewscreen switches on to show Jabin who says “Are you here to investigate the entity’s strange behavior too? "

“Yes, but I advise you to stay away, if you continue your approach we will fire” Tuvok said

“Getting antsy are we?” Jabin said as his ship opens fire.

“Power to shields, attack pattern alpha and charge heavy photon torpedoes”Tuvok said as the fight began.

In about seven minutes three of the Kazon ships fell but Voyager was not doing well either as it struggled to fire at the far more mobile Kazon ships.

Using tactics that seemed to be inspired by Cardassian Hikari class ships maintained constant orbit around Voyager, forcing them to use beam weaponry instead of torpedoes that would destroy the ships in one blow.

The Maquis ship though was of similar size, had better thrusters and weaponry and was having a better time against the ships and managed to effectively clear the field, that is until a large Mogai warbird class ship entered the field.

Though clearly lacking a comparative firepower, it was loaded with an highly miscellaneous assortment of weaponry that overwhelmed the Maquis ship, forcing Commander Chakotay into a dilemma, to retreat behind Voyager and possibly doom both or crash his ship and essential place himself at the mercy of his captors?

In the end the made the decision.

“Voyager, standby for transport” Chakotay said into the com

“Voyager standing by, but we’ll only get one shot at this” Tom replied “Remember Chakotay you’re life’s mine”

As the Maquis evacuated the ship, Chakotay piloted the ship right into the Kazon’s hull, transporting out at the last minute.
At a glance, you switch tenses. You don't put commas at the end of quotation. And you really need to pump up your verbiage: 

In about seven minutes three of the Kazon ships fell but Voyager was not doing well either as it struggled to fire at the far more mobile Kazon ships.

"Ships fell"       "Voyager was not doing well" "Struggled"

The next seven minutes saw three of the Kazon ships fall in a haze of burning metal. The Voyager held against the onsalught, if only with the shields in a desperate state, the hull punctured in at least three places, and the crew on the command deck bathed in sweat. Another volley erupted from the Voyager, but the smaller Kazon ships evaded with ease. 

See the difference? Paint a picture.