Re: Need to vent?

#3
I feel like I've been spinning my tires in the mud for like 10 years. I'm not even 30 yet, and I feel like I'm stuck. I can't work due to some severe issues and now I spend most of days trying to create something worth while. I got this ever gnawing feeling in me that demands I create something and for it to be liked enough to feel like I've given something back to the world. Instead of being a leech burdening everyone with my failures to function in society on almost every level. This endless, ever present feeling has been eating away at me sense high school and has only grown worse when I got diagnosed. My constant want has been a burden speaking ill to the back of my mind and is always threatening to ruin any attempt at relaxing or slowing down. It's like I'm stuck in a cage with no bars, but still I can't be free. If I ever stopped, it would be the death of me.

Re: Need to vent?

#4

eric_river Wrote:
i feel like work is ripping writing time out of my hands
a feeling i'm sure everybody here well understands
i do my job while daydreaming about tales i will write
but there's not nearly enough time to write them all at night
Drakanflip
Don't know what your job is, but here's how I do it, write between the the little breaks between the meetings, going from one place to the next, when someone else has to pee, lunch break etc.


I'm writing a chapter a day like that

Re: Need to vent?

#5
Life is just utterly wearying sometimes. It's incredibly frustrating to have the time to write but no energy to do it with. I feel like a failure even more for wasting the precious hours when I could have been writing but stare at the screen uselessly instead.

Re: Need to vent?

#7

Crusixblade Wrote: I feel like I've been spinning my tires in the mud for like 10 years. I'm not even 30 yet, and I feel like I'm stuck. I can't work due to some severe issues and now I spend most of days trying to create something worth while. I got this ever gnawing feeling in me that demands I create something and for it to be liked enough to feel like I've given something back to the world. Instead of being a leech burdening everyone with my failures to function in society on almost every level. This endless, ever present feeling has been eating away at me sense high school and has only grown worse when I got diagnosed. My constant want has been a burden speaking ill to the back of my mind and is always threatening to ruin any attempt at relaxing or slowing down. It's like I'm stuck in a cage with no bars, but still I can't be free. If I ever stopped, it would be the death of me.

All I ever wanted to do was write. But I was told it wasn't a reasonable thing to expect to make a living from - to which I still whole heartedly agree because these days it requires business skills, marketing skills, the ability to delegate and seperate yourself from the work, and so many other skills. And then there's the sensitive issue of growth as a writer, which in my experience is something that only a handful of writers are willing to do the listening, the research, and work needed. It's terrifying. So I got a job, telling myself I would write after work. Never did, still don't. 

Through permanent and contract work alike I reminded over-and-over again that I was replaceable - literally told I could be replaced by a monkey. In a work setting, I am not valued. So I freelanced. I saw a lot of personal success through freelancing, but every project was a negotiation and honestly, though I was the person they delegated work too, they did not respect my experience with the work to make their goals a reality. A lot of the time, the client got in their own way of achieving their goals. So that got me thinking - was I getting in my own way? I was. It transformed the way I thought about my projects, my personal goals, and started me down the path of productivity and personal well being. I've been at this for years now... And while I've definately gotten better, I'm not perfect - it requires constant resetting of my intentions, and pushing through resistance - which isn't easy. In it's own way it requires constant vigilance... 

Which lead to learning about personal well being. See productivity is all well and good - but being productive all of the time can lead to self-loathing and burn out. I love the book Getting Things Done. It's an excellent start to getting your space and personal life in some semblance of order. I tend to review and follow his advice on the yearly - just so I'm aware of what needs doing - needs being a subjective term. I often tie this thing into my bi-yearly deep cleaning and organizing of spaces/rooms. I'm a clutterer, so it's very much needed. But I plan for that. I have a 3 day session just to focus on GTD + Spring/Fall cleaning. The point is, I had to know what my focus/energy limit was for a project. 3 days (2 days and a half) then I need a full day of recovery. I can keep on this cycle pretty consistently too. So it's important to honor your down time for mental and energy recovery.

Finally, to help with personality - I ended doing something called the Clifton Strengths, eventually bought the book to give me a quick reference, but I combined that with the Quit Cast. Anyway, the Clifton Strengths is all about playing to your strengths and understanding how they help and impede you. It sounded like a lot of horse s**t when I first did them, but I was helping a friend out at the time. Over the past year, knowing has been a HUGE asset. I'm Strategic, so I need to plot my stories or else I meander in the soggy middles. BUt I'm also Futuristic - so I'm rarely in the present moment, but living the possible future, which brings with it a whole of anxieties "If I don't  succeed then, I'm leeching off of my husband. I'm not contributing to my life/our life. I'm useless." I find when I have those thoughts, I discuss them with my husband, because he's directly involved. I have to remind myself that the future is something that hasn't happened yet, so I need to do the work now. Err...well plan for how I'll do the work in the near future - In my case my contract is potentially ending in mid Oct - so I have plans to throw myself into writing at that point. BUt if I do get renewed, then I have to have a plan to do the work because now i'm answering to a publisher with f*ing deadlines.

That's my advice for you, as someone who has been most of where you've been.

Re: Need to vent?

#9
I can't count the amount of times I read my own work and call myself a fraud and a hack. Like, I have big plans that I'm building up toward which I really want to write, but I just don't know if I can last that long sometimes. So much can happen in between now and when I get to those points. I could lose internet and have to wait months to get it back again. I might come up with something else and forget what I was writing first and foremost. Then when I write stuff and read the reviews of people saying its good, I just think I don't deserve it. After all, I'm barely a writer. I just have a story in my head, but don't really know the best way to convey it. 

Like, I really wanted to make my stories graphic novels or webtoons, but I don't have the artistic skills or money to do it. I've read for most of my life and thought that writing a web novel was the next best option. So I did and when I got feedback on how bad my grammar and style of writing can be to readers, I'd say that made me rethink some things. I appreciate the advice and I want more people to criticize me, but a combination of fraud syndrome and no self-esteem can really overblow something I know wasn't meant as bad to something that I obsess over. 

I got better because of my no self-esteem putting me in my place and realizing my faults, but as a result I obsess over those faults and refuse to let them go. I got better at writing, but at the same time I feel like I'm still the same five year old kid writing stupid berenstein bear fanfics. I got some big things planned, but I just don't know if it'll even be worth it. 

Now that I got that off my chest I'mma return to writing. Hopefully I can stay writing on this site and be able to publish my own books. 

Re: Need to vent?

#10
I’m a tad bummed lately because, while I feel I’ve gotten my writing to a solid point, other things are ultimately getting in the way of getting that work read by a bunch of people who’ll appreciate it and/or give feedback on it.

-Wattpad, while a hotspot for the audience my kind of stuff seems to most appeal to, is way over-saturated, and my work is still too niche to really rise up very far there. 
-Royalroad is mostly male and largely looking for things that a lot of my work is not and that I wouldn’t be super stoked to write
-My work’s (according to some feedback) too novely for Scribblehub, and again—too femme/nb oriented in its target audience 
-Posting on Tapas got me exactly zero feedback ever, which was the main reason I started posting online to begin with 
-Having posted my stuff in all these other places means I can’t traditionally publish

-taking the time to write more projects specifically suited to any of these platforms takes time away from current projects I very much intend to finish

I also know I have a problem with working on way too many projects at once, and that’s holding me back too—if I could devote myself more to one thing and update it way more frequently, I’d be doing at least marginally better. But if I try to work on too -few- things, my brain will do a fuck and I will lose my creative productivity. 

I’m not -that- discouraged though, just thought I’d take the chance to vent because it still helps. I have things I’m working on in the background that I intend to complete and then set to a consistent post schedule, and others I intend to query. As for the rest, I’m hoping that when they’re all finished they’ll find a decent home on Amazon with the help of some of marketing. 


Re: Need to vent?

#17
We really need to stop looking at views per chapter. It's one of the single worst things for our mental health, and we're writing trauma recovery which is hard enough as it is. Reader numbers don't matter! What matters is getting the best quality work out that we can manage.

Re: Need to vent?

#18

Vivian Wrote: We really need to stop looking at views per chapter. It's one of the single worst things for our mental health, and we're writing trauma recovery which is hard enough as it is. Reader numbers don't matter! What matters is getting the best quality work out that we can manage.

I admit, I read the first chapter of your novel and then skipped to chapter 13. 

Re: Need to vent?

#19

Sake Wrote:
Vivian Wrote: We really need to stop looking at views per chapter. It's one of the single worst things for our mental health, and we're writing trauma recovery which is hard enough as it is. Reader numbers don't matter! What matters is getting the best quality work out that we can manage.

I admit, I read the first chapter of your novel and then skipped to chapter 13.
Was it because of the darker topics? Or something else?

Re: Need to vent?

#20

Vivian Wrote:
Sake Wrote:
Vivian Wrote: We really need to stop looking at views per chapter. It's one of the single worst things for our mental health, and we're writing trauma recovery which is hard enough as it is. Reader numbers don't matter! What matters is getting the best quality work out that we can manage.

I admit, I read the first chapter of your novel and then skipped to chapter 13.
Was it because of the darker topics? Or something else?

No, because while I was also abused in the past(including bullying), I can relate to neither Kendall nor Robbie. Their thought process is very foreign to me. 

The dark topic is what drew me in, but if I don't like the characters, I can't enjoy the entire work. I've read chapters 12 and 7 now too. I know that reading out of order is not a good way to enjoy any fiction, but I was curious about what is literally going to happen.
Sometimes works have interesting/clever plots despite having unrelatable or unlikable characters.

Spoiler :
However, the majority of the novel seems to explore inner monologues rather than literal events. Such a focus on characters really makes or breaks the book for people who either like them(and therefore will continue reading it) or dislike them(and therefore will drop it). The major motive in inner monologues seems to be guilt, which is once again a foreign thing to me.

In my abusive past, there were oppressors and there were oppressed. People cursed their powerlessness, or flaunted their power, depending on whether they were on the bottom or the top. Guilt wasn't a thing. Shame, however, was. 

"I landed you in hospital" is something a bully might have said to the victim with an arrogant smirk on his face because being landed in the hospital was seen as shameful. being raped was seen as shameful. Losing a fight was seen as shameful. So victims didn't ask for help and prayed that one-day tables will turn and their time to become an abuser will come. These victims often became cops and other such later in life. 

But I'm going off tanget. My point is that the situation where bully starts questioning herself and feeling bad about what she's done is extremely exotic and unrelatbable.

edit: also bullying, in my experience, is usually done by groups and targeting isolated individuals. A situation where there is only one bully seems very weird to me and kinda forces me to suspend disbelief.