Re: Okay, trying again

#1
I don't know why, but my last post was deleted... Anyway, I will make it short (again). My story has over fifty thousand words (209pages) and still no feedback (I wonder if it's because I'm a bad writer of if I just had no luck). I don't care the way, but if your honorable self give me a feedback (I don't care id it's just one chap or more) I will gladly accept it.

Link: https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/42161/fearing-life-coveting-death

(If you are about to delete my post, please at least explain why.)

Re: Okay, trying again

#2
Initial feedback:  Consider re-writing your synopsis.  From the tags, your readers generally get that the story is about a male anti-hero in a wuxia/xianxia fantasy.  The title of your work hints that he may have a death wish.  Then turning to the synopsis for more information and... the prospective readers don't get much.  A few vague questions, a declaration by the protagonist that he will move forward (which is almost tautological), and another vague statement.  Who is your protagonist? What is their goal or motivation as a character? Who (antagonist) or what (obstacles) prevent him from reaching his goal immediately? In short, what is the thesis of your story?

Re: Okay, trying again

#3

luda305 Wrote: Initial feedback:  Consider re-writing your synopsis.  From the tags, your readers generally get that the story is about a male anti-hero in a wuxia/xianxia fantasy.  The title of your work hints that he may have a death wish.  Then turning to the synopsis for more information and... the prospective readers don't get much.  A few vague questions, a declaration by the protagonist that he will move forward (which is almost tautological), and another vague statement.  Who is your protagonist? What is their goal or motivation as a character? Who (antagonist) or what (obstacles) prevent him from reaching his goal immediately? In short, what is the thesis of your story?
Thanks for the feedback, I will make another synopysis. I originally made this synopsis while thinking about an important part of my plot ... But now I think it wasn't a good idea.

Re: Okay, trying again

#5

cmr Wrote: It's very hard to tell what the story is about from the blurb. I gave the first few chapters a quick look. The premise is interesting enough. The one thing I'd change would be to either stick to past tense, or to present tense. Mixing them as they are is quite jarring.
Thanks for the feedback. I know it's somewhat jarring, but is this constant change between past and present tense bad enough to make you stop reading? I mean, is it a critical factor? 

Re: Okay, trying again

#7

cmr Wrote:
ILuxTenebris Wrote:
cmr Wrote: It's very hard to tell what the story is about from the blurb. I gave the first few chapters a quick look. The premise is interesting enough. The one thing I'd change would be to either stick to past tense, or to present tense. Mixing them as they are is quite jarring.
Thanks for the feedback. I know it's somewhat jarring, but is this constant change between past and present tense bad enough to make you stop reading? I mean, is it a critical factor?
If you check online for grammar advice, it's generally the rule to stick with one tense in a scene. It's hard to stay immersed if the tense keeps changing, too.
Thanks for explaining. Actually, english is my second language so it's still a bit difficult for me to keep the same tense, but I will do my best.

Re: Okay, trying again

#8


ILuxTenebris Wrote: I don't know why, but my last post was deleted... 

(If you are about to delete my post, please at least explain why.)




If you are talking about your original thread about asking for feedback, then your post wasn't deleted. It was just that no one answered it, and it got buried by other requests for reviews. My guess is that because your big picture came directly from webnovel and many assume that the link for your story will also go there as well, which is kinda iffy.

This new thread at least is more direct and with a clear link to a royalroad story, and I'm glad you got a few responses already.

Here is your original thread link:
https://www.royalroad.com/forums/thread/109437

Re: Okay, trying again

#9
I second what everyone else has said. And now, I'll address another point - your releases are too fast. You have 10 chapters released on the same day! How do you expect to get the readers' attention, if you post ca. once a month 10 chapters in bulk? Your story will get eventually buried by all other stories coming out on the same day. If you have fewer readers, you can't expect major feedback coming naturally. Only a small number of readers are willing to comment and review. Therefore, the more readers you have, the likelier it is to get a rating or even a review (although ratings are more common).

As a whole, consider what everyone above has said about the blurb and tense changes, and probably reconsider your release schedule. More is not always better and a ton of chapter at once is not always what the readers want if it means having to wait for ages until the next release.

Re: Okay, trying again

#10

Ariana Wrote: I second what everyone else has said. And now, I'll address another point - your releases are too fast. You have 10 chapters released on the same day! How do you expect to get the readers' attention, if you post ca. once a month 10 chapters in bulk? Your story will get eventually buried by all other stories coming out on the same day. If you have fewer readers, you can't expect major feedback coming naturally. Only a small number of readers are willing to comment and review. Therefore, the more readers you have, the likelier it is to get a rating or even a review (although ratings are more common).

As a whole, consider what everyone above has said about the blurb and tense changes, and probably reconsider your release schedule. More is not always better and a ton of chapter at once is not always what the readers want if it means having to wait for ages until the next release.
Thanks for the feedback. I will try to change my release schedule.

Re: Okay, trying again

#11
People have mentioned the synopsis and the update rate, so I'll try to give you feedback from another direction - the writing itself.

Quote:Deep World.
The cosmic and spiritual qi disappeared tens of thousands years ago, the whole world changed in more than a hundred ways.
All the life forms are still fighting for survival as before. But without cultivation or magic, the knowledge about how the world works without qi are spread between the intelligent races.
The elves specialized themselves in metallurgy and livestock, the dwarves in mining and construction, the humans in medicine and agriculture.
The world is relatively pacific, since the three major races need each other one way or another. Even without cultivation, life can thrive.
Elven Republic, deep on the elden forest.
"Damn, why hasn't the last volume been released yet?



1) Immediately, the issue here is that you're using these phrases (highlighted in pink) to denote changes in scenery. While I do not like this style and think one is better off without them in favor of some combination of prose + scene breaks, how you've handled it is particularly bad. If you want to do it this way, you must make it clear from the formatting that these serve as shifts in scenery or people will confuse them as prose (which I did for a while). 

The easiest way to do this is to bold them or use italics or underlines.

2) You have a couple of run-on sentences which makes your story a bit awkward to read. For example

"In front of a bookstore, a long line of elves waited, everyone was anxious."

3) You have a habit of putting commas after every ". 

e.g. "The last volume of 'Chronicles of a forgotten world' is now for sale!", the elf woman spoke with a smile.

This is entirely incorrect. Commas should be placed inside ", or not appear at all if one is using a different punctuation ( ! or ? or .) 

This post covers all you need to know about punctuation around speech tags

4) You have a habit of telling instead of showing. You also offload quite a lot of information to readers unnecessarily at the beginning, which makes for a rough introduction.

5) There's no real hook to chapter 1. Nothing happens except Alonn buys a books, returns home, reads it. It's not very exciting, and begs the question "Why do we need to see this?" Here I must repeat that advice given to many writers: "Start as close to the action as possible"

These are all the issues I saw with chapter 1 at a glance, and I'm especially critical of these because if you're ever going to lose a reader, it's here, and even the slightest mistakes can lose you lots of readers.

Re: Okay, trying again

#12

HaltWrite Wrote: People have mentioned the synopsis and the update rate, so I'll try to give you feedback from another direction - the writing itself.

Quote:Deep World.
The cosmic and spiritual qi disappeared tens of thousands years ago, the whole world changed in more than a hundred ways.
All the life forms are still fighting for survival as before. But without cultivation or magic, the knowledge about how the world works without qi are spread between the intelligent races.
The elves specialized themselves in metallurgy and livestock, the dwarves in mining and construction, the humans in medicine and agriculture.
The world is relatively pacific, since the three major races need each other one way or another. Even without cultivation, life can thrive.
Elven Republic, deep on the elden forest.
"Damn, why hasn't the last volume been released yet?



1) Immediately, the issue here is that you're using these phrases (highlighted in pink) to denote changes in scenery. While I do not like this style and think one is better off without them in favor of some combination of prose + scene breaks, how you've handled it is particularly bad. If you want to do it this way, you must make it clear from the formatting that these serve as shifts in scenery or people will confuse them as prose (which I did for a while). 

The easiest way to do this is to bold them or use italics or underlines.

2) You have a couple of run-on sentences which makes your story a bit awkward to read. For example

"In front of a bookstore, a long line of elves waited, everyone was anxious."

3) You have a habit of putting commas after every ". 

e.g. "The last volume of 'Chronicles of a forgotten world' is now for sale!", the elf woman spoke with a smile.

This is entirely incorrect. Commas should be placed inside ", or not appear at all if one is using a different punctuation ( ! or ? or .) 

This post covers all you need to know about punctuation around speech tags

4) You have a habit of telling instead of showing. You also offload quite a lot of information to readers unnecessarily at the beginning, which makes for a rough introduction.

5) There's no real hook to chapter 1. Nothing happens except Alonn buys a books, returns home, reads it. It's not very exciting, and begs the question "Why do we need to see this?" Here I must repeat that advice given to many writers: "Start as close to the action as possible"

These are all the issues I saw with chapter 1 at a glance, and I'm especially critical of these because if you're ever going to lose a reader, it's here, and even the slightest mistakes can lose you lots of readers.

Thanks for the feedback. I know I still have many things to improve... I think all of your points are valid. As for the commas, I corrected this from the tenth chapter onwards. I will slowly make corrections in the early chaps, many thanks for your feedback (again)!