Re: Summary Impressions on a Space Apocalypse LitRPG

#1
I've started playing around with a LitRPG set in space. I'd appreciate any feedback (be as harsh as you want, ain't my first rodeo) on this summary and author blurb at the end for expectations setting (this story is not posted yet).

Key things I want you to focus on:
1) Does this summary pique your interest?
2) Would you read it?


Summary:
Making the universe must have been fun if the gods ended up calling it the Big Bang. It was less fun for their eldritch neighbors roused from their long slumber, and least fun of all for the universe’s denizens. Perpetually harried by the voidspawn, loose confederations of planets are tied together by ancient waygates, while bastion arkships and bastard legions are scattered across the cosmos.

Syrus is one such man on one such doomed ship—the Legio Fenix IV. He is no legionary, nor possesses a skill to kill Voidspawn with. He is but a secretariat of a now dead consul, hired for his winning smile and middling ability to whip up tasty cocktails.

So when the eldritch things come knocking, it’s only polite he answer the door.

This is a "light" LitRPG, with little in the way of multipage statblocks, numbers, levelups or formulas, and it will remain that way. The system works on 7 tiers split across 3 broad specialities (Physical / Mental / Social), and the primary means of progression is through skills.


/End of Summary

Re: Summary Impressions on a Space Apocalypse LitRPG

#2
To me the summery is confussing. I am not sure if I am looking at a new universe or what. Summer should include a description of how the MC views this world at the start.

If its a happy world destroyed by something or the other great.

If the world was destroyed eons ago and he is picking up the pieces while monsters are going through the cosmos great.

But as it stands the summary is in my opinion terrible. Tell me something about the MC's view of this world, then add in all the other stuff that pertains to drawing people in.

Re: Summary Impressions on a Space Apocalypse LitRPG

#4
Ooh! A Blurb to pick and poke! I do love doing this. Thank you for posting it.
I do agree with the consensus of those who've commented before me. It does not offer much information. But more importantly, it is written in a passive voice. Let's spice it up a bit!

HaltWrite Wrote: Making the universe must have been fun if the gods ended up calling it the Big Bang. It was less fun for their eldritch neighbors roused from their long slumber, and least fun of all for the universe’s denizens. Perpetually harried by the voidspawn, loose confederations of planets are tied together by ancient waygates, while bastion arkships and bastard legions are scattered across the cosmos.

Syrus is one such man on one such doomed ship—the Legio Fenix IV. He is no legionary, nor possesses a skill to kill Voidspawn with. He is but a secretariat of a now dead consul, hired for his winning smile and middling ability to whip up tasty cocktails.

So when the eldritch things come knocking, it’s only polite he answer the door.

The gods had fun making the universe -- that's why it's called the Big Bang. But it awakened their eldritch neighbors, and now a loose confederation of planets held together by ancient waygates is perpetually harassed by the Voidspawn. A bastion of arkships and bastard legions across the cosmos don't make things any easier. 


Syrus is a doomed man on the ship called Legio Fenix IV. As the former secretary of a now dead consul, he has no discernible skills other than a winning smile and the ability to whip up a tasty cocktail.

So when the neighbors come knocking, it's only polite that he answer the door.

Okay! So that is your blurb written more clearly, and in a more active voice. As has been said before, your blurb is a bit confusing, so I must assume that these following facts are true.

The eldritch neighbors are called Voidspawn. They are from a different universe.
The planets, the arkships and the legions are distinct and separate groups who have different agendas.

Good luck with your story!  ❤🦆😸🐰❤

Re: Summary Impressions on a Space Apocalypse LitRPG

#5
Thanks so much to all those who replied. I have revised my summary to below:

All Syrus wants is a relatively peaceful stint with the legions before his service is up. As the ex-secretariat of a now dead consul, he has no discernible skills other than his winning smile. Unfortunately, that’s not going to impress the eldritch minions who’ve breached the Legio Fenix IV’s hull. Adrift in the vast expanse of space, no help is coming and Syrus can only look to damning pacts with dark gods for his salvation.

Across the universe, civilization is in a slow decline as hordes of horrors known as the voidspawn maintain a perpetual siege. Intelligent life huddles around a threadbare confederation of planets tied together by ancient waygates, or in scattered arkships like the Legio Fenix IV. 

Why? Because the gods had a little too much fun making the universe—that’s why it's called the Big Bang. In the process, they roused their eldritch neighbors.

Now, the neighbors come knocking, so its only polite Syrus answer the door.

ArDeeBurger Wrote: Okay! So that is your blurb written more clearly, and in a more active voice. As has been said before, your blurb is a bit confusing, so I must assume that these following facts are true.

The eldritch neighbors are called Voidspawn. They are from a different universe.
The planets, the arkships and the legions are distinct and separate groups who have different agendas




Hmm that's not quite right, so I think that only proves my old summary was a bust. The voidspawn are merely minions of the eldritch neighbors (who are more like my twist on cthulhu-esque gods). They exist outside the universe though. 

The planets, and the legions (the arkships are just their transports) are more distinct factions within the same polity than outright different groups. 

I also have 2 chapters done (roughly 3k words in total) if that helps clear anything up.

Chapter 1: In Good Company
Chapter 2: Baptism of Fire

Re: Summary Impressions on a Space Apocalypse LitRPG

#6
I'm glad that I could help. Authors the world over seem to have trouble writing blurbs, which is something I am good at. Your new blurb is much more active, more informative, and less muddled. One thing though, I must point out.

You are using the word secretariat incorrectly. The definition of 'secretariat' is 'The Office of the Secretary' or 'The staff who man the Office of the Secretary.' It is not a title an individual person can hold. Calling Syrus the secretariat of a consul is akin to calling a teacher a classroom or a priest a clergy.

Syrus is the adminstrator of the secretariat of the consul, or he is the secretary of the consul.

He cannot be the secretariat. 
And good luck with your story! ❤🦆😸🐰❤